[User]
Jan: "I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes."
Michael: "Ok. Excuse me. What’s going on? What is it?"
Jan: "Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: What are you doing?


[User]
Jan: "Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]"
Michael: "What are you doing?"
Jan: "Don’t you know what I’m doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, but you could tell me. What… What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.


[User]
Jan: "Don’t you know what I’m doing?"
Michael: "Yes, but you could tell me. What… What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy."
Jan: "Shut up."

[Assistant] Michael: What has gotten into you?


[User]
Jan: "Shut up."
Michael: "What has gotten into you?"
Jan: "Come on."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no.


[User]
Jan: "Slam me up against the wall, right here."
Michael: "I’m not going to slam you up against the wall."
Jan: "Oh, please."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re acting inappropriate. Jan.


[User]
Jan: "I feel sick."
Michael: "You didn’t have any of the potato salad did you?"
Jan: "No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.


[User]
Jan: "No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public."
Michael: "Well, if that’s the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly."
Jan: "Please don’t cry."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don’t you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.


[User]
Jan: "Please don’t cry."
Michael: "I’m not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don’t you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces."
Jan: "It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him."

[Assistant] Michael: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.


[User]
Jan: "Tired. I’m tired. And I didn’t eat enough. And, and, that’s all. That was it."
Michael: "That’s all, you didn’t mean it?"
Jan: "That’s all. I didn’t mean it. That’s all. I’m just saying I didn’t mean it."

[Assistant] Michael: I love you, Jan.


[User]
Jim: "Hey, Mike.  Since Roy left I’ve been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise."
Michael: "Hmm, well that’s interesting Darryl.  I think… [mumbling softly] that maybe you should… [mumbling jibberish]"
Jim: "I can’t hear you."

[Assistant] Michael: What I’m saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]


[User]
Jim: "I can’t hear you."
Michael: "What I’m saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]"
Jim: "Still nothin’."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, see what I did?


[User]
Darryl: "Are you wearin’ lady clothes?  Those look like lady… pants."
Michael: "No, this is a power suit."
Darryl: "That there’s a woman’s suit."

[Assistant] Michael: [Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman’s clothes.  I would not make that mistake again.


[User]
Darryl: "This is gonna make him feel better."
Michael: "All right."
Darryl: "This is too good."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, you know what?  Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman’s suit?


[User]
Pam: "Michael, the pants don’t have any pockets."
Michael: "No, they don’t.  See?  [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]"
Pam: "[Laughing, covering her mouth]"

[Assistant] Michael: Italians don’t wear pockets.


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton."
Michael: "Um, let’s just do this in 15 minutes."
Darryl: "Okay, can you just stand right there?  [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails."

[Assistant] Michael: Negotiations are all about controlling things.  About being in the driver’s seat.  And make one tiny mistake, you’re dead.  I made one tiny mistake.  I wore woman’s clothes.


[User]
Darryl: "Well, it’s simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right?  So now we’re shipping twice as many orders as we used to.  With Roy gone we got a smaller crew.  And I’m pickin’ up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin’ a raise."
Michael: "[mumbles jibberish]"
Darryl: "What?  I can’t hear you."

[Assistant] Michael: [mumbling softly] That was a very good point.


[User]
Darryl: "What?  I can’t hear you."
Michael: "[mumbling softly] That was a very good point."
Darryl: "I can’t— what, Mike?  Are you—"

[Assistant] Michael: [mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument.


[User]
Darryl: "Why can’t I just… tell you?"
Michael: "Because, that is the way these things are done.  In… films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide— slide it, yes."
Darryl: "There you go."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. [scoffs] Come on.  Be serious.


[User]
Darryl: "There you go."
Michael: "Oh. [scoffs] Come on.  Be serious."
Darryl: "I am serious, Mike.  That’s a 10% raise.  That’s what I want."

[Assistant] Michael: I… I can’t give you that, I— I don’t make this much.


[User]
Darryl: "I am serious, Mike.  That’s a 10% raise.  That’s what I want."
Michael: "I… I can’t give you that, I— I don’t make this much."
Darryl: "Come on, be for real Mike."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t.  Want me to prove it to you?  There is… a pay stub.


[User]
Darryl: "Come on, be for real Mike."
Michael: "I don’t.  Want me to prove it to you?  There is… a pay stub."
Darryl: "[laughs] Are you serious?  You’re earning this?"

[Assistant] Michael: Plus perks, yes.


[User]
Darryl: "Mike, this is barely more than I make.  You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]"
Michael: "Fourteen years."
Darryl: "Ho-ho!"

[Assistant] Michael: No, please, please…


[User]
Darryl: "Ho-ho!"
Michael: "No, please, please…"
Darryl: "Oh, I’m sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one.  [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, let’s take 15, again.


[User]
Darryl: "That’s ’cause of you, Mike.  They’re not gonna give the workin’ man more than the boss."
Michael: "Well what am I supposed to do?"
Darryl: "Get your own raise.  You gotta get out there and earn, son."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now.  That is ridiculous.


[User]
Darryl: "Get your own raise.  You gotta get out there and earn, son."
Michael: "I’m not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now.  That is ridiculous."
Darryl: "Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put"

[Assistant] Michael: [exhales] That’s true.


[User]
Darryl: "Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put"
Michael: "[exhales] That’s true."
Darryl: "Yeah that’s true.  You gotta call your girl, and get paid.  Show her who wears the pants in the relationship."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what?  I should.


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah that’s true.  You gotta call your girl, and get paid.  Show her who wears the pants in the relationship."
Michael: "You know what?  I should."
Darryl: "Yeah, you should."

[Assistant] Michael: I have been a loyal employee for a long time.


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah, you should."
Michael: "I have been a loyal employee for a long time."
Darryl: "Fourteen years long."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what?  I deserve a bump.


[User]
Darryl: "Fourteen years long."
Michael: "You know what?  I deserve a bump."
Darryl: "Make it happen, cap’in."

[Assistant] Michael: I am makin’ it happen, sergeant.


[User]
Jan: "Why don’t we talk next month, after the quarter ends?"
Michael: "No, Jan.  I’ve never asked for a raise in 14 years.  This is long overdue.  I wanna do it today."
Jan: "Today.  All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yshhyah.  Um, yeah.  I’ll leave right away.


[User]
Jan: "Today.  All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?"
Michael: "Yshhyah.  Um, yeah.  I’ll leave right away."
Jan: "Great.  Uh, and listen.  Because of our, uh, our… you know, situation, we’re gonna need to have a third party present."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I’m bringing Darryl.


[User]
Jan: "Da— Darryl from the warehouse?"
Michael: "Mm-hm."
Jan: "No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep.  So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, I’d rather kill myself.


[User]
Jan: "No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep.  So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby."
Michael: "Hey, I’d rather kill myself."
Jan: "Michael, he’s your branch’s HR rep…"

[Assistant] Michael: [talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible.  Toby is the worst human being I’ve ever known.


[User]
Jan: "Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello.  Come in.  [exhales] Ah, Okay."
Michael: "Who’s the boy toy?"
Jan: "That’s my new assistant."

[Assistant] Michael: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?


[User]
Jan: "That’s my new assistant."
Michael: "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?"
Jan: "I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?"

[Assistant] Michael: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.


[User]
Jan: "Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First— [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation.  All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside.  Are we clear?"
Michael: "Pippity poppity."
Jan: "Right now we can offer you a 6% raise."

[Assistant] Michael: Six percent?  After all we’ve been through?


[User]
Jan: "Right now we can offer you a 6% raise."
Michael: "Six percent?  After all we’ve been through?"
Jan: "Oh, God."

[Assistant] Michael: I got you… jade earrings.


[User]
Jan: "What’s wrong with you?"
Michael: "Ohh.  It was a weird day.  I accidentally cross-dressed.  And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money.  And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.  And then, your assistant, is all young and hot.  And I—"
Jan: "Okay, Michael.  I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15."

[Assistant] Michael: Well that’s ridiculous I’m not gonna make—


[User]
Jan: "Okay, Michael.  I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15."
Michael: "Well that’s ridiculous I’m not gonna make—"
Jan: "No, just… I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it.  Okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, so…  All right, Levinson.  Here’s the rub.  I would like a 15% raise.


[User]
Jan: "No, just… I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it.  Okay?"
Michael: "Ah, so…  All right, Levinson.  Here’s the rub.  I would like a 15% raise."
Jan: "No.  But we can offer you 12."

[Assistant] Michael: But you just said 15.


[User]
Darryl: "No do not touch it!"
Michael: "…would I go near—"
Darryl: "There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: Toby now has the floor…  and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life.  Let me rephrase that.  I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl.  Here we go!


[User]
Toby: "Ok, um, one thing that you’re gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome.  It’s recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour.  For your circulation, you’re gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour."
Michael: "Yes, good.  Fine.  Like stretching and…"
Toby: "Um, yeah.  You’re computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it’s also recommended that you step away for about… about ten minutes every hour."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, that is… that time really adds up.  That’s like… a half an hour, every hour?


[User]
Dwight: "[on the roof] Okay, let’s do this thing!  I’ll go summon the troops!"
Michael: "Maybe we should test it first.  Letterman-style.  Throw a TV over, or…"
Dwight: "We measured it once…"

[Assistant] Michael: Go buy some watermelons.


[User]
Dwight: "Got it."
Michael: "Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler."
Dwight: "We’re not allowed to use the baler."

[Assistant] Michael: Have Pa–adge do it, or… the sea monster.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh yeah, this is much better.  Safer.  Excellent decision."
Michael: "Yes, thank you for seeing that."
Dwight: "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old.  These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know if I wanna do this.


[User]
Dwight: "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old.  These bouncy castles are not designed for adults."
Michael: "I don’t know if I wanna do this."
Dwight: "Do you wanna do another test?  I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!"

[Assistant] Michael: No.  No more.  The tests are going terrible.  If we keep doing it, we’re not gonna want to jump.  This is about doing, not thinking.


[User]
Dwight: "Do you wanna do another test?  I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!"
Michael: "No.  No more.  The tests are going terrible.  If we keep doing it, we’re not gonna want to jump.  This is about doing, not thinking."
Dwight: "That’s right!  Doing!  Totally doing!  It’s rock n’ roll!"

[Assistant] Michael: Rock n’ roll!


[User]
Dwight: "[outside] Come on, hurry up you guys!"
Michael: "[on the roof] My life!  Oh, my life…"
Dwight: "[on megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong?!"

[Assistant] Michael: Everything’s wrong.  The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.


[User]
Dwight: "[on megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong?!"
Michael: "Everything’s wrong.  The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression."
Dwight: "Depression?  Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?"

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.  Depression is a very serious illness.  Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year!  According to a 2004 study!


[User]
Dwight: "Depression?  Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?"
Michael: "Dwight, you ignorant slut.  Depression is a very serious illness.  Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year!  According to a 2004 study!"
Dwight: "Is that the last year the data was available?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes!  My head is in such pain!  And turmoil!


[User]
Dwight: "Is that the last year the data was available?"
Michael: "Yes!  My head is in such pain!  And turmoil!"
Dwight: "Don’t do anything rash!"

[Assistant] Michael: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?


[User]
Dwight: "Don’t do anything rash!"
Michael: "Wait, where are the warehouse guys?"
Dwight: "I didn’t… [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn’t think you needed them for this part."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay… that’s…


[User]
Dwight: "I didn’t… [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn’t think you needed them for this part."
Michael: "Okay… that’s…"
Dwight: "you said to just…"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s the whole point, dummy.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael’s up on the roof and he’s acting strange!"
Michael: "Oooooh, my life!"
Dwight: "Michael!  What’s wrong?"

[Assistant] Michael: Everything is wrong, Dwight.  The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael!  What’s wrong?"
Michael: "Everything is wrong, Dwight.  The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed."
Dwight: "Depressed?  Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?"

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.


[User]
Pam: "Hey Michael!  I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it."
Michael: "What is it?"
Pam: "Come down and… open it and you’ll see."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, find out what the present is.


[User]
Darryl: "Mike, this is the opposite of safety.  You jump, you’re gonna serious hurt yourself."
Michael: "You told me, that I lead a… cushy, wimpy, Nerf life."
Darryl: "Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for."

[Assistant] Michael: What do I have to live for?


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for."
Michael: "What do I have to live for?"
Darryl: "A lot… of things.  Uh, you, uh… What about Jan?  Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.  It’s goin’ good, right?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s complicated with Jan.  And I don’t know where I stand, or what I want.  The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.


[User]
Darryl: "A lot… of things.  Uh, you, uh… What about Jan?  Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.  It’s goin’ good, right?"
Michael: "It’s complicated with Jan.  And I don’t know where I stand, or what I want.  The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be."
Darryl: "Mike, you’re a very brave man.  I mean, it takes courage just to"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you really mean that?


[User]
Darryl: "Mike, you’re a very brave man.  I mean, it takes courage just to"
Michael: "Do you really mean that?"
Darryl: "I couldn’t do it. I— I ain’t that strong.  And I ain’t that brave."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m braver than you?


[User]
Dwight: "Come on."
Michael: "Field Trip."
Dwight: "Step lively. Single file everybody."

[Assistant] Michael: Like we’re going to the science museum.


[User]
Dwight: "Step lively. Single file everybody."
Michael: "Like we’re going to the science museum."
Dwight: "Let’s single…"

[Assistant] Michael: Learn by touching.


[User]
Dwight: "Let’s single…"
Michael: "Learn by touching."
Dwight: "Single… OK."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve been told that I’m a tactile learner.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah, I gotta call out on that."
Michael: "No, no, no, no.  Not good enough.  This is a keystone account.  I want you in the school.  In person."
Jim: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to bring a partner.


[User]
Barbara: "Well it isn’t ended.  I’m… I’m very angry. I— I could have lost business."
Michael: "I know, I know you’re angry.  And we are truly, truly sorry."
Barbara: "I don’t accept your apology.  The watermark was obscene and horrifying."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, we are extremely sorry.


[User]
Barbara: "I, for starters, I think that you should resign."
Michael: "Well… [exhales] OK, well…  Um, wasn’t really my fault.  The guys at the papermill—"
Barbara: "You’re the head—"

[Assistant] Michael: The guys at the papermill— No no no!


[User]
Barbara: "Yes, and that makes it your responsibility—"
Michael: "No, I’m a regional manager—"
Barbara: "And so you should lose your job!"

[Assistant] Michael: No— my— OK, this is insane.  You can get out of here.  Get out!


[User]
Pam: "It’s just the Scranton Times…"
Michael: "No, then Newsweek picks it up.  And then CNN does a story about it.  Then… YouTube gets a hold of it…"
Pam: "You know what?  I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re right.  It will blow over.  But it’s not… going to take… a week or two.  [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?


[User]
Dwight: "I’m just saying…"
Michael: "I know."
Dwight: "They would flank you.  Throw in a concussion grenade."

[Assistant] Michael: I understand that, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "They would flank you.  Throw in a concussion grenade."
Michael: "I understand that, Dwight."
Dwight: "You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you think you’re taking it a little… literally, Dwight?  And now we’re wasting tape.  I’m gonna have to cut this all out.  Can you say cut?


[User]
Pam: "Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother."
Michael: "Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out."
Pam: "My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association."

[Assistant] Michael: And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you’d be the weirdos.


[User]
Dwight: "You’re right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down."
Michael: "Are we ready?"
Dwight: "Final touch-ups."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Am I shiny?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot."
Michael: "Really? Is she OK?"
Pam: "Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down."

[Assistant] Michael: OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]


[User]
Toby: "Hey, what’s going on? There’s a police car in the…"
Michael: "What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down]"
Toby: "What’s going on?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It’s, uh… [laughs]


[User]
Toby: "What’s going on?"
Michael: "Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It’s, uh… [laughs]"
Toby: "I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, come on.  We are laughing at Phyllis, but she’s not even here, so no harm, no foul.


[User]
Toby: "I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response."
Michael: "Oh, come on.  We are laughing at Phyllis, but she’s not even here, so no harm, no foul."
Toby: "I don’t think the women in this office –"

[Assistant] Michael: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you’re the flasher.


[User]
Toby: "I don’t think the women in this office –"
Michael: "Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you’re the flasher."
Toby: "I was at a parent-teacher conference."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh-huh. Prove it. Let’s see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I… you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.


[User]
Jan: "…come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body."
Michael: "I don’t know. I feel… I drive a lot. I’m spending a fortune on gas and tolls –"
Jan: "I’ll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I’ll leave it on the dresser."

[Assistant] Michael: Um, that… I don’t know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.


[User]
Dwight: "[lays a folder full of pictures on Michael’s desk] There are several penises there I’d love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert."
Michael: "This is the last"
Dwight: "Look at that one."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, are those your pants? That’s a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand]


[User]
Karen: "What you’re saying is extremely misogynistic."
Michael: "Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything."
Karen: "I’m saying that you’re being sexist."

[Assistant] Michael: No. I’m being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, you shouldn’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with."
Michael: "Jan says anything that doesn’t scare us is not worth doing. I don’t know. Maybe we’re different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex."
Pam: "Oh, my God."

[Assistant] Michael: [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, you need to get out of this."
Michael: "No, she’s… she’s fooling around. It’s a woman thing."
Pam: "No, normal women don’t do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he’s about to start crying]"

[Assistant] Michael: No… No, it’s all right. I’m OK. I’m OK. [sniffing] You guys… what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]


[User]
Pam: "No, normal women don’t do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he’s about to start crying]"
Michael: "No… No, it’s all right. I’m OK. I’m OK. [sniffing] You guys… what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]"
Pam: "Read the pros first."

[Assistant] Michael: OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.


[User]
Phyllis: "I bet you know. Don’t think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?"
Michael: "I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan."
Phyllis: "My mom taught me that."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.


[User]
Pam: "Here, uh… Meredith? Why don’t you put your hazards on."
Michael: "Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let’s see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the… all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts]"
Pam: "I think I’ve got it."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you have a… a crescent? A crescent Allan?


[User]
Pam: "I think I’ve got it."
Michael: "Do you have a… a crescent? A crescent Allan?"
Pam: "I don’t think we really need that, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh… you know what? I’m going to… you take care of that. I’m gonna do traffic… detail.


[User]
Jan: "Michael… [clears throat] I was, um… I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I… I just – I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So… [takes Michael’s hand] I’m sorry."
Michael: "Thank you."
Jan: "So… we’re good?"

[Assistant] Michael: Abso-fruit-ly.


[User]
Jan: "OK. [voice on phone] “It’s me, Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want…”"
Michael: "Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] “… to remain friends. Or at least business associates -” [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] “who get along. Oh, just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. OK, buddy.”"
Jan: "Oh. [door closes]"

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.


[User]
Jan: "So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription?"
Michael: "Love it."
Jan: "Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, yes, I am.


[User]
Jan: "Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?"
Michael: "Uh, yes, I am."
Jan: "Good, good, it’s the best business reporting isn’t it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, yeah, it’s okay. Its just, I don’t think the cartoons are very funny.


[User]
Jan: "Good, good, it’s the best business reporting isn’t it?"
Michael: "Uh, yeah, it’s okay. Its just, I don’t think the cartoons are very funny."
Jan: "Wait, wait, what cartoons?"

[Assistant] Michael: The a cartoon that goes with each article.  This one says Mel Karmazin?  I don’t, I don’t know. I guess I get it.


[User]
David: "[on phone] Michael, I am calling—"
Michael: "And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there?"
David: "Jan is out of town right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan’s heart, David, and it was awful. It was… It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes…


[User]
David: "Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch."
Michael: "Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say."
David: "That’s not necessary."

[Assistant] Michael: May God guide you in your quest.


[User]
Toby: "Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30."
Michael: "Oh, you know what? Uh, you’re not going."
Toby: "It’s Beach Day…"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Toby. We… um… Somebody has to stay here.


[User]
Pam: "Thanks Toby."
Michael: "Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you"
Pam: "I thought we were just having fun at the beach."

[Assistant] Michael: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people’s character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.


[User]
Pam: "You want me to write down people’s indefinable qualities?"
Michael: "I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?"
Pam: "I have the most boring job in the office, so… why wouldn’t I have the most boring job on beach day?"

[Assistant] Michael: This way to the partay bus.


[User]
Stanley: "Oh, sweet mother of God."
Michael: "If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus."
Stanley: "Excuse me?"

[Assistant] Michael: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.  Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities.  Funtivities!  And there is a special secret prize for the winner!


[User]
Dwight: "Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn’t just a trip to the beach."
Michael: "Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm’s turning people off."
Dwight: "I hope there will be management parables."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down?


[User]
Pam: "Like what?"
Michael: "Like everything I said and everything they did and… Just don’t…"
Pam: "Well… no, I don’t… exactly… what?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well write it down before you forget it. That’s… You’ve just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can’t stay mad at you.


[User]
Dwight: "I choose Michael!"
Michael: "I’m not playing."
Dwight: "OK, temp."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.


[User]
Stanley: "I don’t care what you call my team."
Michael: "Then I will name your team the Red team."
Stanley: "No [crosses arms], the blue team."

[Assistant] Michael: I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America.


[User]
Pam: "Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?"
Michael: "Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it’s not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I’m going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it."
Pam: "When’s the contest?"

[Assistant] Michael: Like umm…[looks at watch] ten minutes?


[User]
Pam: "When’s the contest?"
Michael: "Like umm…[looks at watch] ten minutes?"
Pam: "How am I supposed to… get…"

[Assistant] Michael: Thanks a bunch.


[User]
Stanley: "Do you expect me to believe that you’re truly making your recommendations on this basis?"
Michael: "[points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let’s see it."
Stanley: "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!"

[Assistant] Michael: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!


[User]
Pam: "I think they’re even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don’t really know how to compare those units."
Michael: "Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook."
Pam: "I really doubt it, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Please just check.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, ’cause I don’t want my feet to get burned."
Michael: "You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager."
Jim: "That’s harsh."

[Assistant] Michael: Who’s next? Andy? Where’s Andy? Andy is never here today.


[User]
Group: "Three. Two. One."
Michael: "Count the other way. Count… no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one."
Group: "One. Two. Three!  Go! Do it!  Go, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?


[User]
Kelly: "Who’s Bob Hope?"
Michael: "God! He’s a comedian."
Kelly: "Oh, like Amanda Bynes."

[Assistant] Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?


[User]
Kelly: "Oh, like Amanda Bynes."
Michael: "Who’s Amanda Bynes?"
Kelly: "She’s from “What a Girl Wants.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope.  So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got.


[User]
Jim: "Hey, I know what you’re looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don’t think I should be considered as your replacement."
Michael: "You are being too modest."
Jim: "Michael, on Thursday I’m going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York."

[Assistant] Michael: Hhhh… okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us.


[User]
Meredith: "[Sign says ‘No Alcohol, No Loud Talking’] Um, What the hell?"
Michael: "It’s a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go."
Meredith: "Um, I forgot my…"

[Assistant] Michael: Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?


[User]
Dwight: "I know, we’re putting on a play for Japanese investors."
Michael: "No, we are not."
Dwight: "Please tell me. I’ve been so good…"

[Assistant] Michael: You are really annoying me. If you don’t knock it off…


[User]
Meredith: "Can we please pull over at the next rest stop?"
Michael: "No. We’re only 10 minutes from the lake."
Meredith: "Pull over! Pull over! [Meredith uses a bush while all the other passengers look the other way, except Creed]"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.


[User]
Jim: "The torches are lit."
Michael: "Yes, for dramatic affect."
Jim: "No, Michael, people are blindfolded. That’s a hazard."

[Assistant] Michael: Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready?


[User]
Pam: "Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest but she also threw her egg at Jim."
Michael: "Because he wasn’t following the rules."
Pam: "I think they were just having fun."

[Assistant] Michael: But they didn’t complete their task, Pam! If people can’t carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?


[User]
Pam: "I think they were just having fun."
Michael: "But they didn’t complete their task, Pam! If people can’t carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?"
Pam: "It tells me nothing."

[Assistant] Michael: Exactly. Are you sure you’re doing that right? Taking an awfully long time.


[User]
Pam: "It tells me nothing."
Michael: "Exactly. Are you sure you’re doing that right? Taking an awfully long time."
Pam: "There’s 800 of them!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, all right.


[User]
Dwight: "I do!"
Michael: "Who’s got the hungry?"
Dwight: "I do!"

[Assistant] Michael: Come on, Ryan…


[User]
Dwight: "I do!"
Michael: "Come on, Ryan…"
Dwight: "Let’s go."

[Assistant] Michael: Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now.


[User]
Ryan: "Michael, since Andy isn’t here, maybe I could be the team captain."
Michael: "You? You haven’t made a sale."
Ryan: "I know, but I’d like to give this a try."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out.


[User]
David: "Isn’t our interview tomorrow?"
Michael: "Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I’d drop in and say hello."
David: "You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?"

[Assistant] Michael: Thought I’d catch a show.


[User]
David: "You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?"
Michael: "Thought I’d catch a show."
David: "In the middle of a work day?"

[Assistant] Michael: Naaah. You know what? Since I’m here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.


[User]
David: "We’re only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people."
Michael: "Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?"
David: "I don’t think so."

[Assistant] Michael: Great. One more… question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?


[User]
David: "I don’t think so."
Michael: "Great. One more… question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?"
David: "I believe we put you in charge."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, great. No further questions.


[User]
Jan: "[walks through front door] Michael."
Michael: "Why… are you here?"
Jan: "Uh, how are you?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m good. How are you, Janet? It’s good to see you.


[User]
Jan: "I’m great. Uh, can we, can we talk… privately… for a minute?"
Michael: "Why privately?"
Jan: "I just, [quietly] I uh… I don’t uh… I, I don’t, I don’t like the way that we left things."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don’t you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.


[User]
Pam: "What do you want me to do?"
Michael: "Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen."
Pam: "What about Meredith?"

[Assistant] Michael: No. She’s an alternate.


[User]
Jan: "I’ve made some big changes in my life and… I miss you. I want us to get back together."
Michael: "Would you excuse me for a second?"
Jan: "Ohh… [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]"

[Assistant] Michael: Defcon twenty.  She wants to get back together.


[User]
Pam: "This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her."
Michael: "I wasn’t."
Pam: "You’re so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m gonna go in there and tell her that we can’t be together.


[User]
Jan: "I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities."
Michael: "First got priorities."
Jan: "And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation…"

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]


[User]
Jan: "Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?"
Michael: "Yes, indeed."
Jan: "Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye."

[Assistant] Michael: So, I guess we’re getting back together.


[User]
Hunter: "Uh, administrative assistant."
Michael: "Jan in yet?"
Hunter: "I think she’s comin’ in… later."

[Assistant] Michael: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?


[User]
David: "Michael, good to see you!"
Michael: "Good to see you.  Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for."
David: "Oh, great.  I’ve been meaning to thank you by the way.  You didn’t lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget?  That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat.  What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?"

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are?  I work too hard.  I care too much.  And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.


[User]
David: "Oh, great.  I’ve been meaning to thank you by the way.  You didn’t lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget?  That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat.  What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?"
Michael: "Why don’t I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are?  I work too hard.  I care too much.  And sometimes I can be too invested in my job."
David: "Okay.  And your strengths?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, my weaknesses are actually… strengths.


[User]
David: "Thanks for comin’ in, Michael."
Michael: "Thank you."
David: "It is always a treat when our paths cross."

[Assistant] Michael: It is always a treat when


[User]
David: "It is always a treat when our paths cross."
Michael: "It is always a treat when"
David: "You’re back together."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes.  And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her… or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that’s not sexual, just… we’re all professionals.


[User]
David: "You’re back together."
Michael: "Yes.  And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her… or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that’s not sexual, just… we’re all professionals."
David: "Okay, uh.  Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position… the job you’re applying for… is Jan’s job."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t understand. So, we’re gonna tag team it?


[User]
David: "Actually, Michael, I think we’re gonna take it in another direction."
Michael: "Good, I’m glad we’re on the same page.  I have a lot of ideas for new directions."
David: "No, we’re not giving you the job."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what?  That… is actually good… because, um, I don’t think I could take… my girlfriend’s job.  That’s not being a good boyfriend.  So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.  Do you accept my withdrawal?


[User]
David: "No, we’re not giving you the job."
Michael: "You know what?  That… is actually good… because, um, I don’t think I could take… my girlfriend’s job.  That’s not being a good boyfriend.  So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.  Do you accept my withdrawal?"
David: "I do."

[Assistant] Michael: Good.  Very good.  I’m glad we are finally on the same page.  Still have my job in Scranton, though.


[User]
Jan: "Oh, God!  I mean, I just don’t understand!  It’s just"
Michael: "I know.  I know, I’m sorry about that.  That was terrible."
Jan: "Oh, just… No, actually I think it’s good, you know?  It’s fine, actually, I do.  I really think it’s great that it happened.  Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so… [laughs]"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it’s… [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don’t cry, it’s gonna be OK.


[User]
Jan: "Oh, just… No, actually I think it’s good, you know?  It’s fine, actually, I do.  I really think it’s great that it happened.  Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so… [laughs]"
Michael: "Well, it’s… [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don’t cry, it’s gonna be OK."
Jan: "[sobbing] Oh, I know, I know.  It’s just… I’m sorry.  It’s just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery.  Ohhh!  They make my moods totally unpredictable!  Wow!  What am I gonna do?"

[Assistant] Michael: [whispers] I don’t know.  [normal volume] Well I guess… you could come and stay at my condo.  I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.


[User]
Jan: "[sobbing] Oh, I know, I know.  It’s just… I’m sorry.  It’s just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery.  Ohhh!  They make my moods totally unpredictable!  Wow!  What am I gonna do?"
Michael: "[whispers] I don’t know.  [normal volume] Well I guess… you could come and stay at my condo.  I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile."
Jan: "Live together.  Actually, wait a minute!  This could be great!  This could be perfect!  You know, my full-time job could be our relationship.  I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work.  This could work, really!"

[Assistant] Michael: [in the office, imitating the terminator] I’ll be baaaaack!  And I am baaaack!


[User]
Dwight: "To intimidate my subordinates."
Michael: "That’s stupid."
Dwight: "It was Andy’s idea."

[Assistant] Michael: You shouldn’t have taken it.  Bad management!  Good thing I’m baaaaaack.  [laughs] Ryan, coffee.


[User]
David: "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Michael: "Well, [clears throat] I’ve actually done a lot of thinking about that.  And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids.  And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth.  And, because it’s the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day."
David: "A… multivitamin?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I don’t know what it’s gonna be called, but… my point is, the future of this company is now.  And the future… is me.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s only Meredith."
Michael: "Yeah, it’s only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something."
Dwight: "Hey… Why did you do it?"

[Assistant] Michael: It was an accident.


[User]
Ryan: "Back? Why is that Michael?"
Michael: "Well, I ran down Meredith in my car."
Ryan: "Oh! Did you do this on purpose?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she’s in the hospital, she’s fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in…


[User]
Ryan: "Oh! Did you do this on purpose?"
Michael: "No, I was being negligent. But she’s in the hospital, she’s fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in…"
Ryan: "Did this happen on company property?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so… double jeopardy, we are fine.


[User]
Ryan: "Did this happen on company property?"
Michael: "Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so… double jeopardy, we are fine."
Ryan: "I don’t think you understand how jeopardy works."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, right, I’m sorry. What is: we are fine?


[User]
Meredith: "Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I’ll see you guys at the office."
Michael: "Oh, OK… Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody."
Meredith: "Michael, I’m not gonna do that."

[Assistant] Michael: Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness.


[User]
Meredith: "You cracked my pelvis"
Michael: "Look, I just… I don’t understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug."
Meredith: "You’re not forgiven."

[Assistant] Michael: Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith.


[User]
Dwight: "No, I have not."
Michael: "Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects."
Dwight: "I do not respect her, but I will go."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.


[User]
Toby: "Oh, Michael, you can’t ask about religious beliefs…"
Michael: "Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite."
Toby: "Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let’s just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.


[User]
Dwight: "So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine."
Michael: "Oh God, Rabies?"
Dwight: "Mm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?


[User]
Dwight: "Mm-hmm."
Michael: "I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?"
Dwight: "No, no. You’ve gotta be bitten by something."

[Assistant] Michael: This place is so cursed.


[User]
Dwight: "No, no. You’ve gotta be bitten by something."
Michael: "This place is so cursed."
Dwight: "Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in… Lock jaw."

[Assistant] Michael: [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith’s life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.


[User]
Pam: "Michael Scott’s Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam."
Michael: "Pro-Am."
Pam: "Pro-Am race for the… They hung up."

[Assistant] Michael: A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.


[User]
Pam: "Oh my God."
Michael: "What are you doing?"
Pam: "You said come in!"

[Assistant] Michael: No I didn’t, just please don’t…


[User]
Pam: "[Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in."
Michael: "May I enter the room?"
Pam: "Yes. Or come in."

[Assistant] Michael: See how I did that. That’s the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear.


[User]
Pam: "On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark."
Michael: "European offices are naked all the time."
Pam: "They’re so not."

[Assistant] Michael: Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so…


[User]
Darryl: "[feeding a squirrel] I’m giving him a peanut."
Michael: "No, don’t give him… just, did you hear anything I said?"
Darryl: "Look how happy he is."

[Assistant] Michael: He’s happy because he’s insane. You know what, that’s the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where’s the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse’s outfit] This is the reason we’re here.


[User]
Jan: "Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?"
Michael: "No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water… solidarity!"
Jan: "Michael that’s irrational."

[Assistant] Michael: Rabies victims… have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So… least I could do.


[User]
Jim: "What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or…"
Michael: "I can’t finish. I feel so weak, I just…"
Jim: "Well, you’re probably dehydrated."

[Assistant] Michael: What do you want me to do Jim?


[User]
Jim: "Well, you’re probably dehydrated."
Michael: "What do you want me to do Jim?"
Jim: "Glass of water would be a start."

[Assistant] Michael: No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They’re deformed, and they’re abnormal, and… they’re illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don’t have any money. Public TV is bust. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t… you know. There’s just one of me, and there’s a thousand of them. And rabies wins.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00."
Michael: "That’s a good deal."
Pam: "And Michael, you don’t have rabies. And chances are you’re not going to get it anytime soon. So… you don’t really have to think about it too much."

[Assistant] Michael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.


[User]
Pam: "And Michael, you don’t have rabies. And chances are you’re not going to get it anytime soon. So… you don’t really have to think about it too much."
Michael: "Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done."
Pam: "Yeah, but there’s other, better people out there who are helping."

[Assistant] Michael: You just don’t think I am capable, of making a difference.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, but there’s other, better people out there who are helping."
Michael: "You just don’t think I am capable, of making a difference."
Pam: "I know you Michael, I saw you naked."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t, you don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I’m the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this… GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!


[User]
Meredith: "See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he’s talking, Creed takes Meredith’s pills]"
Michael: "Let’s just… Why can’t you just forgive… Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off?  How do you know that you weren’t born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?"
Meredith: "Oh please, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not going to leave until you forgive me.


[User]
Meredith: "Oh please, Michael."
Michael: "I’m not going to leave until you forgive me."
Meredith: "You’re gonna be here a"

[Assistant] Michael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.


[User]
Oscar: "I was raised Catholic, but I’m agnostic now, so I guess I’m a secular humanist."
Michael: "Oh.  Great.  We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting."
Oscar: "Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes.  It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.


[User]
Phyllis: "Go get him Bobby!"
Michael: "Come on, I’m going backwards."
Phyllis: "Sic him!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, all right!  All right!  All right!  All right!


[User]
Phyllis: "Sic him!"
Michael: "Oh, all right!  All right!  All right!  All right!"
Phyllis: "Sic him!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]


[User]
Toby: "Yes, uh some people in the office have complained…"
Michael: "Oh really."
Toby: "…about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it’s not appropriate to, to do that."

[Assistant] Michael: Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don’t think. I don’t think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don’t think it’s any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight…


[User]
Ryan: "Stop that! Stop that!"
Michael: "That’s right! That’s right!"
Ryan: "[to Kevin] You scared me."

[Assistant] Michael: Fire guy. Don’t start any fires, Ryan.


[User]
Creed: "We’re screwed."
Michael: "Who is?"
Creed: "Us? You and me. The old timers."

[Assistant] Michael: I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred.


[User]
Ryan: "OK, what’s up?"
Michael: "Yeah, kay. I was just… After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?"
Ryan: "Well it is business, but not as usual."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I know I understand… we’re making great strides and we’re updating, but business as usual, no?


[User]
Ryan: "Well it is business, but not as usual."
Michael: "Yeah, I know I understand… we’re making great strides and we’re updating, but business as usual, no?"
Ryan: "No. [shaking head] We’re throwing out the entire playbook, we’re starting from scratch, we’re implementing a brand new system."

[Assistant] Michael: Good, so, we’re on the same page?


[User]
Ryan: "No. [shaking head] We’re throwing out the entire playbook, we’re starting from scratch, we’re implementing a brand new system."
Michael: "Good, so, we’re on the same page?"
Ryan: "No. We’re not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself."

[Assistant] Michael: We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that’s who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans.


[User]
Jan: "I hope he’s gets hit with an ageism suit."
Michael: "What is that… word?"
Jan: "Ageism? Companies they can’t discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off."

[Assistant] Michael: So older people have just as many rights as younger people?


[User]
Ryan: "We’re not doing this today."
Michael: "Have a seat. Like everybody else."
Ryan: "OK. This is…"

[Assistant] Michael: Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also… illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did.


[User]
Ryan: "Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second?"
Michael: "Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] ‘Scuse me. [closes door]"
Ryan: "We have actual work to do."

[Assistant] Michael: Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]


[User]
Robert Dunder: "I’m 87."
Michael: "Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?"
Robert Dunder: "Well, I, I, I haven’t been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you.


[User]
Robert Dunder: "Well I, I, I came here in a cab."
Michael: "Perfect. [starts closing the door]"
Robert Dunder: "Well, cou, could you get me another… [Michael closes door]"

[Assistant] Michael: Inspirational. What have we learned?  Well, we have learned that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, because it’s illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]


[User]
Ryan: "Well, today was a fantastic waste of time."
Michael: "I disagree, I think it was very valuable."
Ryan: "Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving."

[Assistant] Michael: I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it.


[User]
Pam: "Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about.  Ryan wants you to share it with everyone."
Michael: "Oh, does he?"
Pam: "He does."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmmmmm.  Okay.  Attention.  Earthlings.  I have some news.  Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep.  Okay.  Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people.  On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave.  Thank you.


[User]
Angela: "Then it would say lanch party, Kevin.  Would it really be better if it said lanch party?"
Michael: "Ohh, lunch party."
Angela: "It’s supposed to say launch!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, wow!  Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.


[User]
Jim: "I’m driving?"
Michael: "Yes.  Thank you."
Jim: "Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh yeah, you’d better.  You better say good-bye to Pam.  Say good-bye to Pam.  Byyyyyye.  I love you.  [kissing noise, kissing noise]  I love ya Pam… okay.  [singing]  I’m leavin’ inside Jim’s car, I don’t know when I’ll be back again.  Yes I do.  Tomorrow I’ll be back.  I’ll be back.  Tomorrow.  Um… yeah.  So you know what?  Why don’t you guys take off a little bit early tonight?


[User]
Jim: "What was that?"
Michael: "Leaving Pennsylvania."
Jim: "Oh.  Two kisses."

[Assistant] Michael: One for me one for Jan.


[User]
Jim: "That would be fun."
Michael: "Wanna come over Friday?"
Jim: "Uhhh.  Can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: After work you guys…


[User]
Jim: "Uhhh.  Can’t."
Michael: "After work you guys…"
Jim: "Oh, no cause… you’re gonna let me know when we’re close, right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes.  Actually I will tell you right now.  It’s a club called Chatroom, and there’s a password to get in, which is actually password.  So…


[User]
Angela: "Something made of ice?"
Michael: "Those are just things.  This is how I want it to feel."
Angela: "Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?"

[Assistant] Michael: I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important…


[User]
Angela: "Go-Go dancers?"
Michael: "I want it to embarrass all other parties.  I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, “Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?”"
Angela: "I can’t do this."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you can.


[User]
Angela: "I can’t do this."
Michael: "Yes you can."
Angela: "I can’t do it."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you can.  I know you can.  I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t hundred percent believe it.  Who else could do this?


[User]
All: "[shouts of disapproval]"
Michael: "Okay, okay, what’s better?  A medium amount of good pizza?  Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?"
All: "Medium amount of good pizza."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs, walks back into office]


[User]
Pizza Guy: "Hey.  Sixty-three fifty, and that’s not including tip."
Michael: "Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty."
Pizza Guy: "The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas.


[User]
Pizza Guy: "The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas."
Michael: "Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas."
Pizza Guy: "I don’t care what you told them on the phone, that’s our policy."

[Assistant] Michael: You didn’t actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?


[User]
Pizza Guy: "Not my problem."
Michael: "It is your problem.  That’s no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off.  End of story."
Pizza Guy: "Great story.  It’s sixty-three fifty, and that’s not including tip."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not giving that to you.


[User]
Pizza Guy: "Great story.  It’s sixty-three fifty, and that’s not including tip."
Michael: "I’m not giving that to you."
Pizza Guy: "Well then you’re not getting you’re pizzas."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no you’re not going anywhere.  You’re staying here until we figure this out.


[User]
Pizza Guy: "I’m not going in there."
Michael: "Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza.  Please, thank you."
Pizza Guy: "This is stupid."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you don’t even know what stupid is.  It’s about to get all stupid up in here.


[User]
Jim: "Yes, but not by kidnapping."
Michael: "I’m not kidnapping him, I’m keeping him until I get what I want."
Jim: "As a hostage."

[Assistant] Michael: I think you’re over-thinking it.


[User]
Jim: "As a hostage."
Michael: "I think you’re over-thinking it."
Jim: "I think you’re under-thinking it."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, is Alfredo there?  Can I speak to a manager then?  Okay, can you tell the manager that I’m keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered.  Yes, I know it is not on the coupon.  Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our…


[User]
Dwight: "Shut up, or I’m going to punch you in the throat!"
Michael: "Hey, hey, hey stop it.  Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no.  I kidnapped a kid."
Dwight: "You had to, what other choice did you have?"

[Assistant] Michael: I could have paid for the pizza.


[User]
Dwight: "You had to, what other choice did you have?"
Michael: "I could have paid for the pizza."
Dwight: "Well, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God, oh my God.


[User]
Ryan: "Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out."
Michael: "You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you."
Ryan: "Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he’s being held against his… [Michael hangs up on Ryan]"

[Assistant] Michael: [to Dwight] Mmm-kay.  I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent.


[User]
Dwight: "Now what?"
Michael: "Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens."
Dwight: "Alright.  Oh, I assume I’m going to be reimbursed for the pizzas."

[Assistant] Michael: Not now Dwight, please, it’s not the time.


[User]
Dwight: "Later on."
Michael: "[mocking Ryan] I’m Ryan, and tonight didn’t go the way that I thought it would, because it didn’t work out for me, and I’m very embarrassed.  I got egg all over my face."
Dwight: "And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper."

[Assistant] Michael: I never sold any paper, because I’m an idiot.


[User]
Dwight: "And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper."
Michael: "I never sold any paper, because I’m an idiot."
Dwight: "I started a fire with my cheese pita."

[Assistant] Michael: I made it with my cheese pita.


[User]
Dwight: "I started a fire with my cheese pita."
Michael: "I made it with my cheese pita."
Dwight: "I date Indian girls."

[Assistant] Michael: I started a fire, I started a fire.


[User]
Dwight: "I date Indian girls."
Michael: "I started a fire, I started a fire."
Dwight: "Now I’ve got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I’m your boss."

[Assistant] Michael: And I’m hot, I’m so hot. That’s why everybody…


[User]
Dwight: "Now I’ve got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I’m your boss."
Michael: "And I’m hot, I’m so hot. That’s why everybody…"
Dwight: "I don’t get that, I don’t understand that."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it’s part of it, it’s just the… uhhh.


[User]
Pam: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods]  Don’t avoid this.  I know you’re dying to say it, so just say it."
Pam: "Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence."

[Assistant] Michael: What, no.  No.  Okay, bags.  I have bags under my eyes, Pam.  I didn’t see it at home, I didn’t see it in the bathroom, I didn’t see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light…


[User]
Pam: "Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence."
Michael: "What, no.  No.  Okay, bags.  I have bags under my eyes, Pam.  I didn’t see it at home, I didn’t see it in the bathroom, I didn’t see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light…"
Pam: "[interrupting] The city mirrors, or the…?"

[Assistant] Michael: The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles?  The big round things.


[User]
Pam: "[interrupting] The city mirrors, or the…?"
Michael: "The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles?  The big round things."
Pam: "The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes.  I have bags under my eyes, and I can’t go to New York like this!  What do I do?  What do I do?


[User]
Pam: "He’s a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s identified with her character."
Michael: "Get me Armani."
Pam: "A suit?"

[Assistant] Michael: On the phone.


[User]
Pam: "A suit?"
Michael: "On the phone."
Pam: "Like the main company number? Because I’m gonna have to call information."

[Assistant] Michael: Where’s Armani? He’s on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I’m so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter]


[User]
Pam: "You finished the movie."
Michael: "Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won’t ruin it for you."
Pam: "No. Go ahead."

[Assistant] Michael: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what’s best for you, Mo Chuisle.


[User]
Jan: "You do."
Michael: "I haven’t heard the same about you. So let’s just go with mine."
Jan: "Well, they both go with the carpet I’ve ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too."

[Assistant] Michael: We already have a sofa. So why do—


[User]
Jan: "Well, they both go with the carpet I’ve ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too."
Michael: "We already have a sofa. So why do—"
Jan: "A futon’s not a sofa."

[Assistant] Michael: It… folds up. You’ve only seen it flat.


[User]
Jan: "A futon’s not a sofa."
Michael: "It… folds up. You’ve only seen it flat."
Jan: "I know what a futon is, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I— Ok. How much is this going to cost?


[User]
Ryan: "[on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint."
Michael: "Yes, and thank you for sending that to me."
Ryan: "I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up.


[User]
Ryan: "I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint."
Michael: "Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up."
Ryan: "Hold on, I’ll get them on the phone."

[Assistant] Michael: [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it.


[User]
Jan: "So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight."
Michael: "Oh! Um, actually, I need the car."
Jan: "Why? Improv? Why don’t you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?"

[Assistant] Michael: Use to have two cars, traded ’em in, now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her.


[User]
Nick: "What’s going on here?"
Michael: "Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call."
Nick: "We’re a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision—"

[Assistant] Michael: No, they’re with me, so… this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!


[User]
Nick: "Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes."
Michael: "These meetings are useless."
Nick: "I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Very inspirational. [laughter]


[User]
Stanley: "Why are you calling me here at home?"
Michael: "[Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your—"
Stanley: "Michael, I know that’s you. Why are you calling me here at home?"

[Assistant] Michael: [speaking with a different voice] Have you— Have you considered satellite television?


[User]
Nick: "[hangs up phone] My office."
Michael: "You bet."
Nick: "Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don’t know why we have to keep on having this conversation."

[Assistant] Michael: Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes—


[User]
Nick: "Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don’t know why we have to keep on having this conversation."
Michael: "Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes—"
Nick: "A few more minutes is a waste of our time."

[Assistant] Michael: It is not a waste of our time.


[User]
Nick: "You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That’s how Vikram does it."
Michael: "Vikram doesn’t have my people skills."
Nick: "Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.


[User]
Vikram: "Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice."
Michael: "Oh, that looks good."
Vikram: "Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?"

[Assistant] Michael: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.


[User]
Vikram: "Oh yeah."
Michael: "Wonder what I would’ve been back home?"
Vikram: "Well this is your home."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, but it’s competitive here. What’s a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something.


[User]
Vikram: "Well this is your home."
Michael: "I know, but it’s competitive here. What’s a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something."
Vikram: "Uhh, no."

[Assistant] Michael: I would’ve been chief of surgery… Or a cowboy.


[User]
Jan: "You drive, I had too much wine."
Michael: "Okay. How’s yoga?"
Jan: "I didn’t go."

[Assistant] Michael: Wh-Why not?


[User]
Vikram: "Good night."
Michael: "Hey, congrats on the bonus."
Vikram: "Thank you Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m gonna have it one of these nights.


[User]
Ryan: "Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?"
Michael: "Um… that wasn’t much of an introduction."
Ryan: "Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott."

[Assistant] Michael: Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we’re gonna be talking… about…PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!


[User]
Ryan: "You didn’t prepare a presentation at all, did you?"
Michael: "No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that."
Ryan: "I’m your boss."

[Assistant] Michael: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.


[User]
Ryan: "I’m your boss."
Michael: "My other boss, Mr. Figaro."
Ryan: "You have another job?"

[Assistant] Michael: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one’s business but mine and my other business’.


[User]
Ryan: "You can not have another job if it affects your work here."
Michael: "It won’t."
Ryan: "It did, all ready."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs]


[User]
Toby: "It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object."
Michael: "Thank you."
Toby: "To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word."

[Assistant] Michael: No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.


[User]
Mr. Figaro: "Are you quitting?"
Michael: "I am."
Mr. Figaro: "Come back anytime, don’t forget to disinfect your headset."

[Assistant] Michael: I was never in this for the money.  But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me.  I tried to live the dream.  I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed.  But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.


[User]
Kevin: "I do gamble Michael."
Michael: "Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself.  You know, just a little bit of money.  Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times.  I don’t know, kind of just for fun.  I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things.  Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he’s tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something.  Like, who do I call about that?"
Kevin: "The mob."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you know anybody in the mob?


[User]
Kevin: "The mob."
Michael: "Do you know anybody in the mob?"
Kevin: "[shakes head no]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, um, Oscar, I’m going to need to take another advance on my salary.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, are you having money problems?"
Michael: "Monkey problem? No, I’m not having monkey problems.  Why would I have monkey problems?"
Oscar: "You heard me correctly."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I hate monkeys.


[User]
Pam: "What’s going on, why do you have a second job?"
Michael: "I don’t have a second job.  Maybe I’m having an affair with Suzanne Summers."
Pam: "Doesn’t Jan have money?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t talk to my girlfriend about money.  It is rude, and unsexual.


[User]
Creed: "Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.  When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider."
Michael: "How would that help Creed?  In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose."
Creed: "You don’t go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts.  Nobody just picks up “get out of jail free” cards, those things cost thousands."

[Assistant] Michael: That is a good point.


[User]
Creed: "You don’t go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts.  Nobody just picks up “get out of jail free” cards, those things cost thousands."
Michael: "That is a good point."
Creed: "Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature’s do-over.  It’s a fresh start, it’s a clean slate."

[Assistant] Michael: Like the witness protection program.


[User]
Oscar: "Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon."
Michael: "Oh, that’s the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic."
Oscar: "Twelve hundred dollars.  What’s a Core Blaster Extreme?"

[Assistant] Michael: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core.  This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist.  It strengthens your entire core.  Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it.  I think that’s how they got a core.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, I’m going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy."
Michael: "No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this."
Oscar: "She has to know."

[Assistant] Michael: We will find another way, we’ll ask power-point.


[User]
Oscar: "She has to know."
Michael: "We will find another way, we’ll ask power-point."
Oscar: "Michael, this is a presentation tool."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re a presentation tool if you think I’m gonna tell Jan about this.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, this is a presentation tool."
Michael: "You’re a presentation tool if you think I’m gonna tell Jan about this."
Oscar: "I’m done!"

[Assistant] Michael: No you’re not! Ok, just… you’re not a tool. Look, we’ll tell her that it’s bad, but it could’ve been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half.


[User]
Jan: "What’s going on?"
Michael: "Not much, what’s up with you?"
Jan: "Well, why are you sitting on a train?  Where are you going?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m out of answers Jan.


[User]
Jan: "Well, why are you sitting on a train?  Where are you going?"
Michael: "I’m out of answers Jan."
Jan: "What does that mean?"

[Assistant] Michael: I told you, no more answers.  This is who I am now.  A guy on a train with no answers.  I hope that can be enough for you.


[User]
Jan: "What does that mean?"
Michael: "I told you, no more answers.  This is who I am now.  A guy on a train with no answers.  I hope that can be enough for you."
Jan: "Michael, come on.  Running away from your problems won’t solve anything.  You know that."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know that.


[User]
Jan: "Michael, come on.  Running away from your problems won’t solve anything.  You know that."
Michael: "I don’t know that."
Jan: "Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease.  Your debt follows you around the world, electronically."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll stay off the grid.


[User]
Jan: "Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease.  Your debt follows you around the world, electronically."
Michael: "I’ll stay off the grid."
Jan: "Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this.  It’s not that bad."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah it is, it is.  I really messed up.


[User]
Jan: "Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this.  It’s not that bad."
Michael: "Yeah it is, it is.  I really messed up."
Jan: "Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn’t have anyone.  I mean, my whole family still won’t even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s really nice of you to say.


[User]
Jan: "Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn’t have anyone.  I mean, my whole family still won’t even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen."
Michael: "That’s really nice of you to say."
Jan: "Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me.  By my side.  Without even a thought.  That’s just who you are.  I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I’m going through, you just, you are there for me.  And that is a guy worth staying beside.  So, where’s this train taking us?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think the engineer left.


[User]
Jan: "I’m keeping them. I know you like them. They’re kind of uncomfortable though."
Michael: "That’s nice though."
Jan: "It’s kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now."

[Assistant] Michael: It looks cute though.


[User]
Dwight: "What… [mumbling]"
Michael: "Were you listening to what I was saying?"
Dwight: "I was aware that you were speaking."

[Assistant] Michael: What is the matter with you?


[User]
Oscar: "Okay, you need to focus, Michael.  You need to stop spending money."
Michael: "Yeah.  What?"
Oscar: "I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, my CDs.


[User]
Oscar: "You have CDs?"
Michael: "I do."
Oscar: "Okay, good, okay.  What bank?"

[Assistant] Michael: My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic


[User]
Oscar: "Okay, good, okay.  What bank?"
Michael: "My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic"
Oscar: "[whispers] Case Logic."

[Assistant] Michael: And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car.  There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head]  What?


[User]
Oscar: "[whispers] Case Logic."
Michael: "And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car.  There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head]  What?"
Oscar: "I’m asking about Certificates of Deposit."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve been putting money into CDs for years.  I bought music that I didn’t even like.  No. [shakes head]


[User]
Jan: "I think you can.  I… what?"
Michael: "I don’t know if I can do that.  I can’t see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole."
Jan: "All right, well then maybe there’s another way, you know?  I mean, we could just… we’ll think of something else."

[Assistant] Michael: We will?  I can’t.  I don’t have an idea in my head.


[User]
Jan: "Well… well, we will."
Michael: "I have…"
Jan: "We just will."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay.  What?  Um…


[User]
Jan: "I have some ideas."
Michael: "Tell me."
Jan: "[laughs] I am not going to tell you yet."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, please?  I won’t tell anybody.


[User]
Jan: "[laughs] I am not going to tell you yet."
Michael: "Well, please?  I won’t tell anybody."
Jan: "Oh, yes, you will."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I will.


[User]
Ad Guy 2: "Hey, Michael."
Michael: "Regional manager."
Ad Guy 2: "Hey Michael, nice to meet you"

[Assistant] Michael: Excited to talk ideas.


[User]
Ad Guy 1: "Let’s do it, man."
Michael: "You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing."
Ad Guy 1: "That sounds great."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, good, well this is what we have to work with.


[User]
Andy: "Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!"
Michael: "He gives the best back rubs in the office."
Andy: "It’s true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got ‘Nard dogged!"

[Assistant] Michael: Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe.


[User]
Ad Guy 1: "Okay I can tell that your time is valuable—"
Michael: "Actually I don’t get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so…"
Ad Guy 1: "That all sounds really, really ambitious."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I know.


[User]
Ad Guy 1: "That all sounds really, really ambitious."
Michael: "Yeah, I know."
Ad Guy 1: "Why don’t we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?"

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]


[User]
Ryan: "I told you not to call about small problems."
Michael: "Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don’t like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas."
Ryan: "That’s good. They’re creative, you’re not."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m creative, Ryan.


[User]
Ryan: "That’s good. They’re creative, you’re not."
Michael: "I’m creative, Ryan."
Ryan: "It’s not part of your job, it’s like, maybe you can cook but it doesn’t mean you should start a restaurant."

[Assistant] Michael: Well actually I can’t cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike’s Cereal Shack. I’m thinking we’ll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store.


[User]
David Wallace: "This is weird."
Michael: "I’m willing to stake my entire reputation on it."
David Wallace: "Okay, I’ll see it tomorrow."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way.


[User]
Darryl: "Dunder Mifflin."
Michael: "Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought… I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap."
Darryl: "What’s rap?"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I’ll make you a mix.


[User]
Darryl: "Dunder Mifflin."
Michael: "Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music."
Darryl: "You’re right, it’s better than you! It’s us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I hate it! I hate it! …I don’t hate it, I just don’t like it at all. And it’s terrible.


[User]
Darryl: "You’re right, it’s better than you! It’s us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin."
Michael: "No, I hate it! I hate it! …I don’t hate it, I just don’t like it at all. And it’s terrible."
Darryl: "You’re on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl.


[User]
Darryl: "You’re on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]"
Michael: "Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl."
Darryl: "You just said you hated it."

[Assistant] Michael: No. I said I hate the, the style.


[User]
Andy: "[singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar."
Michael: "Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible."
Andy: "Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon."

[Assistant] Michael: Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don’t get this, if we don’t nail it, we’re going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?


[User]
Phyllis: "[crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton’s book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn’t supposed to take no for an answer."
Michael: "That’a girl."
Phyllis: "So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?


[User]
Phyllis: "So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends."
Michael: "Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?"
Phyllis: "[sobbing] No."

[Assistant] Michael: Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]


[User]
Pam: "[on phone] Yes?"
Michael: "Pam, please clear my phone lines."
Pam: "Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear."

[Assistant] Michael: They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God…I better call.


[User]
Toby: "Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it’ll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be:"
Michael: "There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad."
Toby: "I spent three years in advertising before I came here."

[Assistant] Michael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that’s them!  Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos."
Michael: "Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it."
Pam: "Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, good. Good.


[User]
Jim: "Mmmhmm.  Why don’t you start by telling me what you got."
Michael: "We start on a single blank sheet of paper."
Jim: "Love it."

[Assistant] Michael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.


[User]
Jim: "Love it."
Michael: "And we widen to reveal ancient Rome."
Jim: "Mm, can’t do that."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman’s womb.


[User]
Jim: "Mm, can’t do that."
Michael: "Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman’s womb."
Jim: "Definitely can’t do that."

[Assistant] Michael: Bull[censored] man!


[User]
Jim: "Definitely can’t do that."
Michael: "Bull[censored] man!"
Jim: "You know what?"

[Assistant] Michael: This is bull[censored]!


[User]
Jim: "You know what?"
Michael: "This is bull[censored]!"
Jim: "Okay, Scott, why don’t you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial."

[Assistant] Michael: Ahhhh!  [sweeps toys off his desk]


[User]
Jim: "Okay, Scott, why don’t you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial."
Michael: "Ahhhh!  [sweeps toys off his desk]"
Jim: "I’m just doing my job, man."

[Assistant] Michael: If you don’t let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!


[User]
Jim: "I’m just doing my job, man."
Michael: "If you don’t let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!"
Jim: "Good!  Fine!  I’ve got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee… [dialing phone]"

[Assistant] Michael: No!  No!  Jim, Jim, don’t, don’t…


[User]
Jim: "Good!  Fine!  I’ve got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee… [dialing phone]"
Michael: "No!  No!  Jim, Jim, don’t, don’t…"
Jim: "What?  What?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I can do it.


[User]
Jim: "Okay, make a commercial."
Michael: "[taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?"
Jim: "Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]"

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial.  Huh?


[User]
Dwight: "He looks like your twin."
Michael: "This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door.  When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring.  Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone."
Dwight: "I will know."

[Assistant] Michael: But, you will not tell anyone.


[User]
Dwight: "I will know."
Michael: "But, you will not tell anyone."
Dwight: "I won’t need to because we’ll be together playing hooky.  Yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, sometimes.  Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl.  [knock on the door]  Yes?  Oh good, good Stanley!  First victim, this is what I want you to do.  Go out, come back in.  We’re going to hide.  I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?


[User]
Karen: "Listen, I-"
Michael: "To the right?"
Karen: "I’m-"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, enough small talk, go ahead.


[User]
Karen: "I’m-"
Michael: "Okay, enough small talk, go ahead."
Karen: "You called me."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, listen, um…  You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.


[User]
Karen: "You called me."
Michael: "Yes, listen, um…  You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this."
Karen: "I’m pretty sure his family’s coming with him."

[Assistant] Michael: No, his work family.  Look, this is very hard for me, but I’m going to give you my best man.  You may have Toby.


[User]
Karen: "I’m pretty sure his family’s coming with him."
Michael: "No, his work family.  Look, this is very hard for me, but I’m going to give you my best man.  You may have Toby."
Karen: "Toby’s not a salesperson."

[Assistant] Michael: You can train him.  He’s very very smart, and funny, and charming… You know, I can’t do it, Toby is the worst.  That- that was a bluff, um…  Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I’m going to poach one of yours.


[User]
Karen: "Toby’s not a salesperson."
Michael: "You can train him.  He’s very very smart, and funny, and charming… You know, I can’t do it, Toby is the worst.  That- that was a bluff, um…  Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I’m going to poach one of yours."
Karen: "Oooh.  Good-bye Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, good-bye.  Wait!  Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please?  Your best one?  [Karen hangs up]


[User]
Jim: "So what are you going to do?"
Michael: "What are we going to do?  We are going to make a monster sale, that’s what we’re going to do.  Corcroan dropped Staples."
Jim: "Did they?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it.  You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we’re going to crush this sale.  We’re going to prove, what the hell is that music?


[User]
Dwight: "Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah."
Michael: "What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?"
Dwight: "Well, gee, Jim, I don’t know, I guess there’s no sales call today."

[Assistant] Michael: We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we’re doing.


[User]
Jim: "We’re going to Utica?"
Michael: "Uh-huh."
Jim: "I’m not going to Utica right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you are.  Oh, buckle up Jim.


[User]
Jim: "You know what?  I’m just going to call a cab from here."
Michael: "Alright, you’re going to miss the best prank ever."
Jim: "Alright.  Wait, what are you planning on doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you really wanna know?


[User]
Jim: "Alright.  Wait, what are you planning on doing?"
Michael: "Do you really wanna know?"
Jim: "Oh, God. [hangs up phone]"

[Assistant] Michael: Follow me, come here.  Here’s what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse.  I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.


[User]
Dwight: "Or real bombs."
Michael: "No, no, not real bombs."
Dwight: "Yeah, come on, it will be so badass."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, maybe, maybe, I don’t know.


[User]
Jim: "Are you kidding me?  We’ve been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?"
Michael: "Teach her to offer Stanley more money."
Jim: "So the deal was, Dwight doesn’t blow anything up, and I wear a costume.  And a moustache."

[Assistant] Michael: So, why did you and Karen break up?  Was it the sex?


[User]
Jim: "Why don’t we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?"
Michael: "Okay, I will start.  Um, “A.” [singing] “A” my name is Alan, and my wife’s name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell…  Damn it! What do we sell?  Um…"
Jim: "It doesn’t matter."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m trying to think of what we could sell.


[User]
Jim: "It doesn’t matter."
Michael: "I’m trying to think of what we could sell."
Jim: "Doesn’t matter."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, la, la, la. What is that?  That sound…  The air-conditioning leaking or something?


[User]
Jim: "Doesn’t matter."
Michael: "Ah, la, la, la. What is that?  That sound…  The air-conditioning leaking or something?"
Jim: "That doesn’t make sense, couldn’t be."

[Assistant] Michael: What is that?  Dwight, are you peeing?


[User]
Jim: "No, Michael.  I’m not leaving the car."
Michael: "Yeah, Dwight, here’s how it’s going to go down.  You and I-"
Jim: "Guy’s going by. Shh."

[Assistant] Michael: You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers.  And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place.


[User]
Jim: "Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home."
Michael: "We found something far better, their crown jewel.  Their industrial copier."
Jim: "Isn’t that thing huge?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s enormous, but it’s got wheels.  We’re wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell.  Get the car ready, keep the engine running.


[User]
Jim: "Okay! First of all, stop using my name.  And second of all-"
Michael: "Dwight, you gotta move!"
Jim: "Damn it guys!"

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, could you move over a little bit.


[User]
Jim: "No, I’m not doing that."
Michael: "Just say you wanna get back together."
Jim: "No, I’m not doing that!"

[Assistant] Michael: It doesn’t have to mean anything.  Just, do it for Stanley.  Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.  Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies.


[User]
Dwight: "Wait!  I wanted to sit next to you."
Michael: "No, Dwight!  Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me.  You’re gonna sit in the back left  where I don’t have to see your ugly moongob."
Dwight: "Okay, that is so mean!  You know what, I’m not going."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Dwight, you’re handsome.  You’re a very handsome man, get in the car.


[User]
Toby: "Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]"
Michael: "[from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up."
Toby: "Michael wasn’t invited."

[Assistant] Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, can’t go today, ’cause I’m donating blood."
Michael: "How often can you actually donate blood?"
Jim: "Is there a limit?"

[Assistant] Michael: Your body only has a certain amount.


[User]
Jim: "Is there a limit?"
Michael: "Your body only has a certain amount."
Jim: "Well, is that it? Or?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame.


[User]
Jim: "Well, is that it? Or?"
Michael: "Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame."
Jim: "How so?"

[Assistant] Michael: A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s’mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]


[User]
Jim: "How so?"
Michael: "A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s’mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]"
Jim: "What’s that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Hello, I’m Broken Mountain. You know, here’s the thing. That’s not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself—


[User]
Jim: "Not gonna change."
Michael: "I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos."
Jim: "I thought we had that looked at."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m sick of it Jim. I’m sick of this place.


[User]
Dwight: "[winks] I’m on it. [leaves room]"
Michael: "OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what…"
Dwight: "Let’s see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael’s desk]"

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight.