[User]
Jim: "Andy still doesn’t know that Angela’s having an affair with Dwight. And it’s been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he’ll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it’s just… awkward."
Michael: "[sighs] How can he still not know?"
Jim: "We can’t figure that out."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t take it anymore.


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, what?  You can’t take what?"
Michael: "I am telling Andy."
Dwight: "No. You can’t do that. It shouldn’t come from you."

[Assistant] Michael: Who should it come from, then?


[User]
Andy: "When what? [clears throat] When what?"
Michael: "You know this can’t go on."
Andy: "What can’t go on?"

[Assistant] Michael: We have to put an end to this.


[User]
Andy: "What can’t go on?"
Michael: "We have to put an end to this."
Andy: "Seems like…"

[Assistant] Michael: Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael’s office]


[User]
Dwight: "Angela said she was going to tell him. She’s just not ready."
Michael: "When will she be ready?"
Dwight: "I don’t know."

[Assistant] Michael: Is she crazy in bed?


[User]
Jim: "This shouldn’t be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue."
Michael: "It’s too late."
Jim: "Well it’s not too late, because you haven’t done anything."

[Assistant] Michael: I am already walking.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, once this gets out… I don’t know how it’s going to go down."
Michael: "Okay, what does that mean?"
Dwight: "Might get ugly."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it.


[User]
Andy: "Will do, boss-man."
Michael: "Ohh, I do not have much time… car’s all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say… say these things, that… are bad things… that you hear… in your ears… this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn’t want to hear…"
Andy: "You’re not making any sense."

[Assistant] Michael: Well… no, I’m not. So I… I’m not very articulate today, so I’ll just leave it for another time. Another day.


[User]
Andy: "You’re not making any sense."
Michael: "Well… no, I’m not. So I… I’m not very articulate today, so I’ll just leave it for another time. Another day."
Andy: "All righty."

[Assistant] Michael: Which will be fine. I am off!


[User]
Andy: "All righty."
Michael: "Which will be fine. I am off!"
Andy: "Have a good meeting!"

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you! [gets into his car]


[User]
Andy: "Have a good meeting!"
Michael: "Thank you! [gets into his car]"
Andy: "[through the car window] Kick Wallace’s ass!"

[Assistant] Michael: [through the car window] Okay. I will… Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so…


[User]
Andy: "[through the car window] Kick Wallace’s ass!"
Michael: "[through the car window] Okay. I will… Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so…"
Andy: "I can’t hear you through the glass"

[Assistant] Michael: [rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They’ve been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.


[User]
David: "So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don’t know exactly how to put this, but… what are you doing right?"
Michael: "Right what?"
David: "Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you’re not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing… is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is."

[Assistant] Michael: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter… where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.


[User]
David: "Hi Michael how are you?"
Michael: "Hi, I am well, how are you?"
David: "So listen, as you know, we haven’t yet filled the regional supervisor job."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, have you not?


[User]
David: "I’ll fax over some of the things we’re looking for."
Michael: "Fax, why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?"
David: "Look, this is important, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, well, then, email it to me.


[User]
Dwight: "[riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?"
Michael: "I will seduce her."
Dwight: "No, I wanna seduce her."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I will seduce her.


[User]
Dwight: "No, I wanna seduce her."
Michael: "No, I will seduce her."
Dwight: "Please Michael, please."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I got it.


[User]
Dwight: "Please Michael, please."
Michael: "No, I got it."
Dwight: "You’ll fall in love with her."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support.


[User]
Dwight: "You’ll fall in love with her."
Michael: "Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support."
Dwight: "Okay, let’s go over the plan again."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper.  I find out everything about their prices and policies


[User]
Dwight: "Then we meet at the Denny’s…"
Michael: "[interrupting] No."
Dwight: "…and then we compare notes."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, I never said Denny’s. IHOP.


[User]
Dwight: "You know how I feel about IHOP."
Michael: "Oh, don’t start,"
Dwight: "Are you socialist?"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? I don’t want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP.


[User]
Dwight: "Are you socialist?"
Michael: "You know what? I don’t want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP."
Dwight: "I’ll have a cup of a coffee."

[Assistant] Michael: You will have pancakes and you’ll like it.


[User]
Dwight: "Store only has three employees."
Michael: "So what?"
Dwight: "It means they are not expanding."

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe they are shrinking.


[User]
Dwight: "[spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch."
Michael: "Mm hmm ."
Dwight: "Which Means they’re not acquiring new business. So once again no growth."

[Assistant] Michael: And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business.


[User]
Dwight: "Which Means they’re not acquiring new business. So once again no growth."
Michael: "And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business."
Dwight: "Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus."

[Assistant] Michael: Argh, why are you all…


[User]
Dwight: "Get your clouds right."
Michael: "Shut up."
Dwight: "So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good."

[Assistant] Michael: Ready to do this?


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "Oh, please come in"
Michael: "Thank you."
Prince Grandfather: "What kind of business are you in."

[Assistant] Michael: We are a law firm.


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "What kind of business are you in."
Michael: "We are a law firm."
Prince Grandfather: "I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office."

[Assistant] Michael: You know, I will be honest with you… about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn’t feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office."
Michael: "You know, I will be honest with you… about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn’t feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?"
Prince Grandfather: "About 80."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? That many? This doesn’t seem like a very big operation.


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "About 80."
Michael: "Really? That many? This doesn’t seem like a very big operation."
Prince Grandfather: "It’s just me, my wife and my son."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, so when did you set up shop?


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "It’s just me, my wife and my son."
Michael: "Ah, so when did you set up shop?"
Prince Grandfather: "I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh Vietnam, I hear it’s lovely .


[User]
Prince Grandfather: "You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer."
Michael: "Well that is… because… I am a genius."
Prince Grandfather: "Oh really?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession.


[User]
Dwight: "My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. [Michael takes offense and charges over]"
Michael: "Hey, hey, how is your interview going?"
Dwight: "It’s going very well."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?


[User]
Dwight: "[both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car."
Michael: "Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time."
Dwight: "Thank you very much."

[Assistant] Michael: I cannot wait to contact your clients.


[User]
Dwight: "Someone’s looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching]"
Michael: "Oh shoot."
Dwight: "You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching]"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh God, what was that?


[User]
Dwight: "Oh my God."
Michael: "Aw, it’s alright."
Dwight: "Oh man,"

[Assistant] Michael: Aw, my car.


[User]
Dwight: "Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them."
Michael: "Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We’re doing fine. They’re doing fine."
Dwight: "They could do better."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t we just, live and let live?


[User]
Dwight: "I’m not familiar with that expression,"
Michael: "It’s from James Bond."
Dwight: "It doesn’t make sense, of course I’m alive."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not going to make this call.


[User]
Dwight: "It doesn’t make sense, of course I’m alive."
Michael: "I’m not going to make this call."
Dwight: "Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate?  Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?"

[Assistant] Michael: My heart says…


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate?  Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?"
Michael: "My heart says…"
Dwight: "Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions."

[Assistant] Michael: That is true.


[User]
Dwight: "Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going?"
Michael: "Just something I have to do first."
Dwight: "Where are you taking the client list?"

[Assistant] Michael: Somewhere safe, where it can’t hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]


[User]
Dwight: "Where are you taking the client list?"
Michael: "Somewhere safe, where it can’t hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]"
Dwight: "Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don’t do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot]"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around]


[User]
Dwight: "No no no, I can’t let you do this!"
Michael: "Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door]"
Dwight: "Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: Give it, give it. We can’t do this to those people.


[User]
Dwight: "Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael]"
Michael: "Give it, give it. We can’t do this to those people."
Dwight: "Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up]"

[Assistant] Michael: Im not a shark.


[User]
David: "Good work."
Michael: "Thank you."
David: "Look I’ll be in touch, thanks buddy."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, bye bye.


[User]
Dwight: "No, we don’t know that.  The smoke could be coming through an air duct."
Michael: "Oh my God! Okay, it happening.  Everybody stay calm."
Dwight: "What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?"

[Assistant] Michael: Stay [bleep] calm!


[User]
Dwight: "What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure?"
Michael: "Stay [bleep] calm!"
Dwight: "Wait, wait, wait."

[Assistant] Michael: Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, wait, wait."
Michael: "Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!"
Dwight: "No! No, Michael! No!  Touch the handle.  If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway."

[Assistant] Michael: What does warm mean?


[User]
Jim: "No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this!"
Michael: "He’s going to swallow is tongue."
Jim: "No. Michael. Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Open your mouth.  Come on. Don’t swallow it.


[User]
Jim: "No. Michael. Michael."
Michael: "Open your mouth.  Come on. Don’t swallow it."
Jim: "[everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: Leave me al–


[User]
Dwight: "Yes I shouted “fire!”.  I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what– heeded–"
Michael: "Hed. Hedded"
Dwight: "When no one hedded–"

[Assistant] Michael: Take hedded of.


[User]
Dwight: "N-no one would take hedded of my instructions."
Michael: "Heed. Heed."
Dwight: "So, you–"

[Assistant] Michael: Take heed of.


[User]
Dwight: "So, you–"
Michael: "Take heed of."
Dwight: "And, well, I don’t see my co-workers–"

[Assistant] Michael: Take heed of.


[User]
David Wallace: "No, we are mad."
Michael: "Yes. We are. We are livid.  But we are going to let this one slide."
David Wallace: "No, we’re not."

[Assistant] Michael: I am not a mind reader, David.


[User]
Dwight: "Come on."
Michael: "I’m a smart guy.  I’ll figure it out."
Dwight: "That’s preposterous."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I will.


[User]
Phyllis: "That’s not a good idea, Michael."
Michael: "Come on."
Phyllis: "He needs to rest."

[Assistant] Michael: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working.  What are you gonna do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops?


[User]
Stanley: "I would die."
Michael: "And you’re okay with that?"
Stanley: "I’m okay with the logic of it."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh-uh.  No, no, no.  Come on. Get up.  Let’s do this.


[User]
Stanley: "I’m okay with the logic of it."
Michael: "Uh-uh.  No, no, no.  Come on. Get up.  Let’s do this."
Stanley: "Yes. I had a heart attack.  I would quit, but I’m too old to find another job and I don’t have enough saved to retire.  I feel like I’m working in my own casket."

[Assistant] Michael: Come on Stanley.  You’re losing you.  You’re losing you. Do it!


[User]
Rose: "Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees.  Do you know that song?"
Michael: "Yes, yes I do.  I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified."
Rose: "No, it’s–Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I got it.


[User]
Stanley: "It’s my bio-feedback machine.."
Michael: "Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?"
Stanley: "It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down."

[Assistant] Michael: You have stress?


[User]
Stanley: "Would ya, would ya step back please"
Michael: "Ok, alright."
Stanley: "Please. A little further."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. [beeping slows down]


[User]
Stanley: "Please. A little further."
Michael: "Ok. [beeping slows down]"
Stanley: "That’s better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ok… I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh… Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That’s what HE said! Right guys, ’cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley’s monitor now] Let’s give this a shot.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?"
Michael: "Si senor."
Oscar: "That’s offensive."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s not! It’s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, or I’m a womanizer… fair game. Whatever. I don’t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.


[User]
Dwight: "How dare you all attack him like this."
Michael: "Oh, stop it Dwight."
Dwight: "Michael is your superior."

[Assistant] Michael: No no no no no no!


[User]
Dwight: "Michael is your superior."
Michael: "No no no no no no!"
Dwight: "Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight your’e supposed to do it this way.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him."
Michael: "Dwight your’e supposed to do it this way."
Dwight: "Ok, no, they don’t understand who they have…"

[Assistant] Michael: That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot.


[User]
Dwight: "Ok, no, they don’t understand who they have…"
Michael: "That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot."
Dwight: "You’re interrupting me. I’m trying to get your back."

[Assistant] Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.


[User]
Pam: "Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses."
Michael: "Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?"
Pam: "Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]"

[Assistant] Michael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.


[User]
Darryl: "Mike claims, we’re all a family isn’t that right?"
Michael: "We are, we are a family."
Darryl: "Ok, so um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh very funny.


[User]
Darryl: "Ok, so um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there."
Michael: "Oh very funny."
Darryl: "What’s his name?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy?


[User]
Darryl: "What’s his name?"
Michael: "Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy?"
Darryl: "Roy left years ago. What’s his name?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t believe I have had the pleasure.


[User]
Jim: "I didn’t, I’ll look somewhere else."
Michael: "All right."
Jim: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.


[User]
Pam: "He brought a sled."
Michael: "No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you’re gonna find a snowy hill so… Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie."
Pam: "Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, oh don’t say bucks, it’s not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks."
Michael: "Yeah, oh don’t say bucks, it’s not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night."
Pam: "Separate rooms."

[Assistant] Michael: Well that goes without saying.


[User]
Pam: "Separate rooms."
Michael: "Well that goes without saying."
Pam: "I’m going to say it anyway."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey! Look at what you’re wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician’s assistant?  That’s…


[User]
Pam: "I’m going to say it anyway."
Michael: "Hey! Look at what you’re wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician’s assistant?  That’s…"
Pam: "This is a new cardigan."

[Assistant] Michael: …kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.


[User]
Pam: "Can I turn on the radio?"
Michael: "No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare."
Pam: "But then you fall asleep and there’s nothing for me to do."

[Assistant] Michael: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.


[User]
Pam: "But then you fall asleep and there’s nothing for me to do."
Michael: "Then listen to your iPod, Pam."
Pam: "That’s dangerous."

[Assistant] Michael: Well then… hey you know what then let’s just talk.


[User]
Pam: "That’s dangerous."
Michael: "Well then… hey you know what then let’s just talk."
Pam: "That’s okay I can… I’m fine. I’ll just play a song in my head."

[Assistant] Michael: You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so…


[User]
Pam: "That’s okay I can… I’m fine. I’ll just play a song in my head."
Michael: "You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so…"
Pam: "No, that was a long time ago."

[Assistant] Michael: Is that why your wearing makeup today?


[User]
Karen: "Of course not!"
Michael: "Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you’re huge! That’s incredible! I… God sorry, sorry my head is… I’m just, I’m trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and…"
Karen: "Let’s just get this over with, shall we?"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?


[User]
Karen: "Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?"
Michael: "I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died."
Karen: "But now we think you’re a liar."

[Assistant] Michael: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]


[User]
Karen: "Okay. All right everyone, meeting’s over."
Michael: "Oh, I still have more."
Karen: "Can I please see you in my office, please?"

[Assistant] Michael: She is pregnant. She is knocked up. “K” Karen. Pam, let’s go.


[User]
Pam: "Are you asleep?"
Michael: "No.  I’m just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?"
Pam: "No, remind me."

[Assistant] Michael: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.


[User]
Pam: "No, remind me."
Michael: "Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small."
Pam: "Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly."

[Assistant] Michael: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she… she just left. And I didn’t… I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven’t talked to her since. I haven’t seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.


[User]
Pam: "Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly."
Michael: "She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she… she just left. And I didn’t… I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven’t talked to her since. I haven’t seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that."
Pam: "Okay, lets go."

[Assistant] Michael: [scoofs] I’ll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.


[User]
Receptionist: "Hi, can I help you?"
Michael: "Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch."
Receptionist: "Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. … Um… is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?


[User]
Receptionist: "Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat."
Michael: "Thank you. … Um… is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?"
Receptionist: "Actually, she’s on an HR retreat for the next three days."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh- She’s not here?


[User]
Receptionist: "But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He’s a salesman here."
Michael: "A.J."
Receptionist: "Yeah, he’s her boyfriend. He’s just over there."

[Assistant] Michael: She has a boyfriend.


[User]
Pam: "I’m so sorry, Michael."
Michael: "How could she do this to me, Pam?"
Pam: "She’s not doing it to hurt you."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t do the presentation, I can’t- [voice cracks] … just… oh… thinking about seeing him… and… thinking about… him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]


[User]
Pam: "She’s not doing it to hurt you."
Michael: "I can’t do the presentation, I can’t- [voice cracks] … just… oh… thinking about seeing him… and… thinking about… him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]"
Pam: "Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn’t want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, just… uh, please, I’m going through something, okay? [exhales]


[User]
Pam: "Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn’t want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-"
Michael: "I know, just… uh, please, I’m going through something, okay? [exhales]"
Pam: "You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she’ll realize what she’s missing."

[Assistant] Michael: And then she’ll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.


[User]
A.J.: "No, what are you talking about?"
Michael: "[sighs loudly] Does it feel good?"
A.J.: "Does what feel good?"

[Assistant] Michael: [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let’s just- We’ll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, get off the floor!"
Michael: "Yeah, yeah… uh, I can’t do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards."
Pam: "[whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it-"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, I’m okay. I’m all right. [sighs heavily] Okay… okay.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, Michael…"
Michael: "I also stole something off of her computer. A document called “Dear Michael.”"
Pam: "You did what?"

[Assistant] Michael: I shouldn’t have done it. It just- I couldn’t help it.


[User]
Pam: "You did what?"
Michael: "I shouldn’t have done it. It just- I couldn’t help it."
Pam: "She never sent it to you?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, sh- she didn’t. I’m gonna read it.


[User]
Pam: "Because, she didn’t send it to you!"
Michael: "I know, I know. You’re right, you’re right."
Pam: "I could read it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, that wouldn’t-


[User]
Pam: "I could read it."
Michael: "No, that wouldn’t-"
Pam: "Yeah, I could read it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you don’t have to do that.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I could read it."
Michael: "No, you don’t have to do that."
Pam: "Go get your laptop."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [leaves to get laptop]


[User]
Pam: "She still has feelings for you."
Michael: "She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?"
Pam: "I can’t tell you specifically, but… it’s not over."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re sure?


[User]
Pam: "I can’t tell you specifically, but… it’s not over."
Michael: "You’re sure?"
Pam: "[nods and smiles]"

[Assistant] Michael: [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay.


[User]
Pam: "No, we don’t need to do that."
Michael: "Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!"
Pam: "You mean Tony?"

[Assistant] Michael: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!


[User]
Pam: "You mean Tony?"
Michael: "Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!"
Pam: "Oh, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Man, was he fat. So, so… fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.


[User]
Jim: "They’re for her to look at, Michael."
Michael: "Can I have a word with you, Jim?"
Jim: "Yes, let’s have a word."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, um, Jim.  Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.


[User]
Jim: "Yes, let’s have a word."
Michael: "Yes, um, Jim.  Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office."
Jim: "Oh, I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah.  And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it’s creating a bit of a hostile work environment.


[User]
Jim: "Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key."
Michael: "Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest–"
Jim: "We do."

[Assistant] Michael: –that none of us can be a part of–


[User]
Blood Girl: "Hi, I cant talk right now.  I’m sorry."
Michael: "Oh, OK."
Blood Girl: "Whew, I’m really nervous."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, me too.


[User]
Blood Girl: "Whew, I’m really nervous."
Michael: "Yeah, me too."
Blood Girl: "Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, well, that’s fine.


[User]
Blood Girl: "Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up."
Michael: "Oh, well, that’s fine."
Blood Girl: "Whew, it’s better for me just to be quiet, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, can I point something out to you?


[User]
Blood Drive Worker: "Alright, here we go."
Michael: "Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]"
Blood Drive Worker: "Just relax."

[Assistant] Michael: Yup, I’m good, whew.  Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch.


[User]
Blood Girl: "That’s not good."
Michael: "Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don’t have blood in them?"
Blood Girl: "Well, ok… bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad."

[Assistant] Michael: That was mean.


[User]
Blood Girl: "Um, a hat."
Michael: "A hat."
Blood Girl: "A hat with no blood in it?"

[Assistant] Michael: That is full of soup.


[User]
Blood Girl: "Ah, we did it!"
Michael: "Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don’t think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]"
Blood Girl: "Is he OK?"

[Assistant] Michael: [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out?  [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]


[User]
Oscar: "I don’t think so."
Michael: "Come on, I’m sure there’s something you need to get off your chest."
Oscar: "I can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure?  I’m sure whatever you did it wasn’t your fault.  OK well, who else?


[User]
Oscar: "He told me he wasn’t gay. [everyone groans]"
Michael: "Really sad."
Oscar: "I’m not done yet."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God.


[User]
Dwight: "You’re right.  OK everyone,  back to work."
Michael: "No, no, no, no.  I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine’s, and I think that there are other single people out there too.  We just need to find them.  There’s a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park.  There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together."
Dwight: "A net? a giant net?"

[Assistant] Michael: No.  Not a giant net.


[User]
Dwight: "A net? a giant net?"
Michael: "No.  Not a giant net."
Dwight: "What do you have in mind?"

[Assistant] Michael: I was thinking maybe like a mixer.


[User]
Dwight: "What do you have in mind?"
Michael: "I was thinking maybe like a mixer."
Dwight: "Oh God, that’s a terrible idea."

[Assistant] Michael: Old fashioned meet market —


[User]
Dwight: "Hey.  No movement."
Michael: "Ah, still early."
Dwight: "Eh, its not that early."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] So how you holding up?


[User]
Dwight: "Eh, its not that early."
Michael: "[sighs] So how you holding up?"
Dwight: "I’m ok.  Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side."

[Assistant] Michael: No.  No, I meant about being single today.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m ok.  Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side."
Michael: "No.  No, I meant about being single today."
Dwight: "Oh.  Meh."

[Assistant] Michael: Meh, exactly.  Eh.


[User]
Dwight: "OK.  Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot.  God!"
Michael: "Hey, you don’t deserve her."
Dwight: "Thanks, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, if anybody wants to go…


[User]
Pam: "[on the phone] Sure. Uh huh."
Michael: "Pam? Knock, knock."
Pam: "I’m on the phone."

[Assistant] Michael: I know you are. Knock, knock.


[User]
Pam: "I’m on the phone."
Michael: "I know you are. Knock, knock."
Pam: "[on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1–"

[Assistant] Michael: [at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1


[User]
Pam: "[on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1–"
Michael: "[at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1"
Pam: "0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. [to Michael] It really makes us look unprofessional."

[Assistant] Michael: They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over]


[User]
Dwight: "[in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!"
Michael: "What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight]"
Dwight: "What are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: What are you doing?


[User]
Dwight: "What are you doing?"
Michael: "What are you doing?"
Dwight: "Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!"

[Assistant] Michael: You, you like that?


[User]
Dwight: "Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!"
Michael: "You, you like that?"
Dwight: "C’mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke."

[Assistant] Michael: Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That’s it.


[User]
Pam: "[Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka] Good morning, Michael."
Michael: "Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa."
Pam: "Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages."

[Assistant] Michael: Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!


[User]
Pam: "Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages."
Michael: "Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!"
Pam: "Jelly beans."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!


[User]
Jim: "We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends —"
Michael: "Too many words. Good ideas are simple. ‘Golden ticket.’"
Jim: "‘Free paper.’"

[Assistant] Michael: No. Jim. We’re a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon.


[User]
Jim: "[on phone] Hey, Tom. What’s that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. [puts hand on receiver and speaks to office] One of my clients found a golden ticket. [Michael screams in excitement] [Jim back on phone] Yup. No, congratulations. [Michael dances in background]"
Michael: "Woo hoo."
Jim: "[on phone] I’ll take that down right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips…


[User]
Jim: "[on phone] I’ll take that down right now."
Michael: "Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips…"
Jim: "I’m on the phone."

[Assistant] Michael: …or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?


[User]
Jim: "I’m on the phone."
Michael: "…or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?"
Jim: "[on phone] Hold on one second."

[Assistant] Michael: Invite them on the tour.


[User]
Jim: "[on phone] Hold on one second."
Michael: "Invite them on the tour."
Jim: "[to Michael] It’s actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? That’s kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?


[User]
Oscar: "They can."
Michael: "No, they can’t."
Oscar: "Yes, they can."

[Assistant] Michael: Oscar, you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.


[User]
Oscar: "Yes, they can."
Michael: "Oscar, you don’t know what the hell you are talking about."
Oscar: "Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?"

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, then we’re screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so –


[User]
Jim: "So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I’m a little pissed too."
Michael: "Thank you, Jim is with me."
Jim: "Absolutely not, I’m mad at you."

[Assistant] Michael: Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.


[User]
David: "[on speaker phone] Michael, what the hell is going on here?"
Michael: "How are you doing?"
David: "Fine. What is going on?"

[Assistant] Michael: [reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.


[User]
David: "Fine. What is going on?"
Michael: "[reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera."
David: "Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We’re going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don’t… I don’t know.


[User]
David: "Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We’re going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?"
Michael: "Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don’t… I don’t know."
David: "How could you not know Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.


[User]
David: "How could you not know Michael?"
Michael: "I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant."
David: "Might have hi— OK, what firm?"

[Assistant] Michael: You’re breaking up.


[User]
Dwight: "That was your idea."
Michael: "Woah, wow, who told you that?"
Dwight: "You did. Several times. Over and over again."

[Assistant] Michael: [same time as Dwight] No, I don’t think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "You did. Several times. Over and over again."
Michael: "[same time as Dwight] No, I don’t think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight."
Dwight: "[same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so…"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not taking… I’m not taking…


[User]
Dwight: "[same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so…"
Michael: "I’m not taking… I’m not taking…"
Dwight: "Wasn’t my idea. Loved – but I can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.


[User]
Dwight: "Wasn’t my idea. Loved – but I can’t."
Michael: "Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary."
Dwight: "You don’t keep a diary."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes I do. You’ve just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.


[User]
Dwight: "You don’t keep a diary."
Michael: "Yes I do. You’ve just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets."
Dwight: "Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March… 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year."

[Assistant] Michael: Why do you have a diary?


[User]
Dwight: "Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March… 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year."
Michael: "Why do you have a diary?"
Dwight: "To keep secrets from my computer."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.


[User]
Dwight: "I wasn’t given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren’t allowed to see movies. So… do the math."
Michael: "What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary]"
Dwight: "Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn’t mine. Discussed movies."

[Assistant] Michael: Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?


[User]
Dwight: "OK, what am I thinking right now?"
Michael: "Umm, nacho chips."
Dwight: "No… How skin is the largest organ of the body."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.


[User]
Dwight: "I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won’t happen again."
Michael: "Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what’s the point? You’re cooped up in there all day. You don’t get to do your farming. You’re not dating Angela anymore. It doesn’t matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn’t matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly."
Dwight: "What about Shoe La La?"

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] It’s not ready yet.


[User]
Dwight: "No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom."
Michael: "That’s it. That’s it. You can’t put a price on freedom."
Dwight: "Try me."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s why you made the decision. That’s why you made…


[User]
Dwight: "Try me."
Michael: "That’s why you made the decision. That’s why you made…"
Dwight: "I haven’t made a decision yet."

[Assistant] Michael: You kind of have.


[User]
Dwight: "It is my idea."
Michael: "Oh how dare you."
Dwight: "It is my idea. I’m filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas."

[Assistant] Michael: You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It’s a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?


[User]
Dwight: "Horse Boat."
Michael: "Oh please."
Dwight: "A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!"

[Assistant] Michael: Toilet sponge. It’s a hollowed out sponge…


[User]
Dwight: "A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!"
Michael: "Toilet sponge. It’s a hollowed out sponge…"
Dwight: "Oh give me a break."

[Assistant] Michael: …that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh give me a break."
Michael: "…that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas."
Dwight: "That’s because they’re easy!"

[Assistant] Michael: They’re not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.


[User]
Andy: "Can I talk to you a minute?"
Michael: "You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!"
Andy: "I just wanted to tell you that… Oh What?  [takes a present out from behind his back]  What’s that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! Hey. What is this about?


[User]
Andy: "I hope I get to work with you someday again."
Michael: "Me too, me too. Is this wine?"
Andy: "Ah… busted. Yes"

[Assistant] Michael: I already have wine.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah… .you want me to come in your office?  Oh."
Michael: "Okay, oh okay, okay.  Close your eyes."
Jim: "I would prefer not to."

[Assistant] Michael: Just close your eyes. I’m going to start my own paper company.


[User]
Jim: "No, I did that before, it added nothing."
Michael: "Close them."
Jim: "Okay. [keeps eyes open]"

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?


[User]
Jim: "And you are not going to, either."
Michael: "Oh, agreed, mmm, except…"
Jim: "Here’s the thing.  What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary.  Because they’re set up to do that kind of thing."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey hey… what’s up Chuck?


[User]
Pam: "Like Michael Scott Paper Company?"
Michael: "You… oh.  Somebody has been talking in bed.  Pillow talk."
Pam: "Hmm… yeah.  Listen Michael.  Have you really thought this through?  ‘Cause it’s a pretty big risk."

[Assistant] Michael: This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now.


[User]
Pam: "Hmm… yeah.  Listen Michael.  Have you really thought this through?  ‘Cause it’s a pretty big risk."
Michael: "This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now."
Pam: "Yeah… you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know."

[Assistant] Michael: Before you got here, I’m the one who landed all these clients.  Half of them, at least. I can do it again.  I know the market, I know the price points.  I’m on it, don’t worry.  So, how do I do that?


[User]
Pam: "Yeah… you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know."
Michael: "Before you got here, I’m the one who landed all these clients.  Half of them, at least. I can do it again.  I know the market, I know the price points.  I’m on it, don’t worry.  So, how do I do that?"
Pam: "Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image."

[Assistant] Michael: Can’t I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?


[User]
Pam: "Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image."
Michael: "Can’t I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?"
Pam: "Yeah. Good."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you very much.


[User]
Dwight: "What a courageous venture."
Michael: "It’s… it’s very courageous, very exciting. Um…"
Dwight: "Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities…"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what I was thinking, with the farm, so… You getting to wherever I’m gonna put my thing.


[User]
Dwight: "Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities…"
Michael: "That’s what I was thinking, with the farm, so… You getting to wherever I’m gonna put my thing."
Dwight: "Okay. So yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: So think about it.  Lets put a pin in it for now.


[User]
Oscar: "You put a note in my food?"
Michael: "I made it sterile."
Oscar: "Just to say “sterile” doesn’t make it so."

[Assistant] Michael: I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me.


[User]
Oscar: "Just to say “sterile” doesn’t make it so."
Michael: "I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me."
Oscar: "Do you have a business plan?  A funding request? Market research, financials?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no no.


[User]
Oscar: "Five years?"
Michael: "Okay, hey, you already have the job.  You don’t have to convince me."
Oscar: "It’s just not prudent Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: [from inside the restroom] Stanley?


[User]
Kevin: "Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?"
Michael: "I was going to, I wanted to.  But I had to start somewhere."
Kevin: "But you didn’t want to start with us?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, of course not.  But now I want everybody. Jim!  Jim?  Buddy, Hey!  Buddy, Jimbo?  Did you have time to think about my offer?


[User]
Charles: "Okay, let me know if you find it."
Michael: "Okay, Okay, we don’t have much time.  Just act normal.  Don’t look at me people. Stop.  Don’t look down. Don’t look down. He’s going to see me.  Don’t look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height.  Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future.  Hello, I am your future.  You’re older, and you are very happy now.  Because you went with Michael Scott.  Right.  So everybody come on down.  Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright?  Come on!  Are you, are you doing your best here?  Are you being the best that you can be?  [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who’s going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot.  Okay, alright. Come on. You’re coming with me.  Come on Phyllis.  Here we go, here we go!"
Charles: "Michael get up!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh God… okay alright. It’s time to go it’s time to go. Jim, let’s go. Come on!


[User]
Charles: "Michael get up!"
Michael: "Oh God… okay alright. It’s time to go it’s time to go. Jim, let’s go. Come on!"
Charles: "Michael, what are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think maybe Hank should be here.


[User]
Charles: "Michael, what are you doing?"
Michael: "I think maybe Hank should be here."
Charles: "Hank?  No, I don’t need Hank Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re going to mess with me, is that what you’re going to do? I’ll tell you something Charles, I don’t even care. Cause I’ve got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it’s not even worth it.


[User]
Pam: "Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we’re starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. [picks up piece of mail] Look, it’s official! [door opens, Michael is in a bath robe]"
Michael: "Oh, good. My hooker’s here. [laughs] Hi."
Pam: "Michael, you were expecting me, right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes I was. Yes I was.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, you were expecting me, right?"
Michael: "Yes I was. Yes I was."
Pam: "Are you wearing anything under the robe?"

[Assistant] Michael: That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in.


[User]
Pam: "Are you wearing anything under the robe?"
Michael: "That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in."
Pam: "This looks great, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. Would you like some french toast?


[User]
Pam: "So, what do you say we get started?"
Michael: "After breakfast."
Pam: "I’m full."

[Assistant] Michael: So how you feeling about the new company?


[User]
Pam: "I’m full."
Michael: "So how you feeling about the new company?"
Pam: "I feel good. [sees a huge pile of French toast] Wow."

[Assistant] Michael: You excited? About the new company?


[User]
Pam: "Yeah. I’m excited to start the company."
Michael: "After breakfast."
Pam: "We did that. So, what’s next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m whipping them.


[User]
Pam: "We did that. So, what’s next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second."
Michael: "No, I’m whipping them."
Pam: "No, I know you are."

[Assistant] Michael: Just let go.


[User]
Pam: "No, I know you are."
Michael: "Just let go."
Pam: "Just let me have… Oh."

[Assistant] Michael: Let go, please. Just gimmee –


[User]
Pam: "Just let me have… Oh."
Michael: "Let go, please. Just gimmee –"
Pam: "Fine! [eggs splatter all over his robe] Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t do this! This is pathetic, isn’t it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs.


[User]
Pam: "Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. [Michael doing leg lifts] Eat an enormous breakfast. Check."
Michael: "Don’t patronize me, Pam."
Pam: "I think you should get dressed."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not getting dressed. I’m not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients.


[User]
Pam: "I think you should get dressed."
Michael: "I’m not getting dressed. I’m not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients."
Pam: "Michael, that seems impossible."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s totally impossible!


[User]
Pam: "Michael, that seems impossible."
Michael: "It’s totally impossible!"
Pam: "We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today."

[Assistant] Michael: Assemble a sales team. A dream team.


[User]
Pam: "No. What? Why?"
Michael: "He’s everything I’m not and everything I am. He’s the whole package."
Pam: "No. We’re not gonna hire Ryan."

[Assistant] Michael: Umm… Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I’ve ever met.


[User]
Pam: "We have an investor already?"
Michael: "Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her."
Pam: "Michael, that’s fantastic."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I guess it’s not so bad. Got a few things cookin’. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm…


[User]
Pam: "Next on the list – open the mail."
Michael: "Oh. Wow. “Michael Scott Paper Company.” Okay. Very official. “Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence.”"
Pam: "No, okay. It’s fine. It’s fine. We’re just gonna add “find office”…"

[Assistant] Michael: How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?


[User]
Pam: "No, okay. It’s fine. It’s fine. We’re just gonna add “find office”…"
Michael: "How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?"
Pam: "Next on the list —  song parodies."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Okay. “Achey Breaky Fart.”


[User]
Pam: "Next on the list —  song parodies."
Michael: "Okay. Okay. “Achey Breaky Fart.”"
Pam: "Great. Let’s sing it in the car."

[Assistant] Michael: No! No No. No. “My Stumps.” Like “My Humps” but a guy with no legs.


[User]
Pam: "It’s not."
Michael: "It is."
Pam: "[looks at list] When did you add this to the list?"

[Assistant] Michael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?


[User]
Pam: "What is he doing?"
Michael: "He’s stealing them. Okay, okay."
Pam: "Oh my God."

[Assistant] Michael: He’s already paying for himself.


[User]
Nana: "So let’s hear it."
Michael: "Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit."
Nana: "How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?"

[Assistant] Michael: By wanting it more. By working hard-


[User]
Nana: "Michael, I don’t know about this."
Michael: "Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this."
Nana: "I’m not so sure."

[Assistant] Michael: Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don’t – it doesn’t have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other…


[User]
Pam: "I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I – I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?"
Michael: "Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that’s why God made so many."
Pam: "We don’t have any money. We don’t have an office. We don’t have anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Well we  should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let’s get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay…


[User]
Pam: "We don’t have any money. We don’t have an office. We don’t have anything."
Michael: "Well we  should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let’s get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay…"
Pam: "How come out of everyone in the office, I’m the only one that went with you? Is it because I’m that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn’t even believe in you!"

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That’s what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit.


[User]
Pam: "I could work here. I could see this."
Michael: "It’s right in the middle of the paper belt."
Pam: "Are you good?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I’m good. You good?


[User]
Pam: "Are you good?"
Michael: "Yeah, I’m good. You good?"
Pam: "I’m good."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where “Dunder Mifflin” is listed right above “Michael Scott Pap”]


[User]
Toby: "Not much? What’s up with you? [from bathroom above] Nah it’s okay. I’m in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It’s so good. No, you gotta tune in, it’s as good as anything on HBO. [sound of pissing] Hey does blue go with tan?"
Michael: "Would someone just make the copy?"
Toby: "I have like, like a blue shirt? I don’t wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh."

[Assistant] Michael: Just make that copy okay?


[User]
Pam: "Oh yeah I bet."
Michael: "They’re getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he’s too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim."
Pam: "Michael, we can hear you."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m on the phone, please. Mom, I’m gonna have to call you back. P’s being a giant B.


[User]
Pam: "I thought that was your corner."
Michael: "No, this is where I work. I can’t relax in the same corner where I work."
Pam: "So my corner’s the one with the copier?"

[Assistant] Michael: Pam, I don’t make the rules. [Pam walks out.]


[User]
Dwight: "Hey. Ed’s Tires is thinking of making a change."
Michael: "[gestures to ‘Bed & Breakfast’ magazine] Is this good?"
Dwight: "They have some great kitchen ideas."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Okay. Ed’s Tires, huh?


[User]
Dwight: "They have some great kitchen ideas."
Michael: "Oh. Okay. Ed’s Tires, huh?"
Dwight: "It’s small, I know."

[Assistant] Michael: I really appreciate it.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s small, I know."
Michael: "I really appreciate it."
Dwight: "Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s for your trouble.


[User]
Dwight: "Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?"
Michael: "It’s for your trouble."
Dwight: "Wh-  I don’t need $6 to help a friend."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this.


[User]
Dwight: "Wh-  I don’t need $6 to help a friend."
Michael: "No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this."
Dwight: "Michael, you know I can’t take this."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I do.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, you know I can’t take this."
Michael: "Yes, I do."
Dwight: "But don’t forget you owe me $10."

[Assistant] Michael: That was four years ago. Why don’t you let it go?


[User]
Ryan: "I can get there."
Michael: "Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce."
Ryan: "Oh, awesome."

[Assistant] Michael: Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]


[User]
Dwight: "[sighs] It’s firm."
Michael: "[on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you’re charging Ed’s tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin."
Dwight: "I don’t know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something’s come up."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something’s come up."
Michael: "Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?"
Dwight: "No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It’s not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they’re changing fast."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not following you.


[User]
Dwight: "No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It’s not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they’re changing fast."
Michael: "I’m not following you."
Dwight: "Imagine… Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there’s this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero."

[Assistant] Michael: Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I’m getting your drift.


[User]
Dwight: "Imagine… Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there’s this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero."
Michael: "Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I’m getting your drift."
Dwight: "Good, do you see what I’m saying?"

[Assistant] Michael: Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you’re writing?


[User]
Dwight: "It is possible that I could be talking about us."
Michael: "Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?"
Dwight: "It is the situation that we are in now."

[Assistant] Michael: So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don’t you?


[User]
Dwight: "It is the situation that we are in now."
Michael: "So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don’t you?"
Dwight: "I’m not a barbarian."

[Assistant] Michael: Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?


[User]
Charles: "No, Mich-Michael."
Michael: "Dwight, run!"
Charles: "Michael, no, let’s be cool, ok?"

[Assistant] Michael: You be cool.


[User]
Dwight: "[on phone] Dwight Schrute."
Michael: "Hello, traitor."
Dwight: "I think you have the wrong number, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market.  So it’s not exactly like ‘Highlander,’ but still…"
Michael: "Hello, Dwight, I’ve been expecting your call. What do you want?"
Dwight: "I would like to arrange a truce."

[Assistant] Michael: So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?


[User]
Dwight: "I would like to arrange a truce."
Michael: "So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?"
Dwight: "Meet me in our spot in four minutes."

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There’s no-


[User]
Dwight: "You were making me do things that were not all right."
Michael: "So you just rat me out? You could have said no."
Dwight: "And not come through for you?"

[Assistant] Michael: If you want a truce, I will give you a truce.


[User]
Dwight: "And not come through for you?"
Michael: "If you want a truce, I will give you a truce."
Dwight: "I want a truce."

[Assistant] Michael: I do too.


[User]
Dwight: "He’s technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael’s office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?"
Michael: "Yeah, sure."
Dwight: "Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? [takes all the items off Michael’s desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He’ll be here in a sec.


[User]
Dwight: "Did you enjoy your lunch?"
Michael: "Dwight, not now, we’ve been robbed."
Dwight: "No, Michael, you were sabotaged."

[Assistant] Michael: No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You’re still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying “Dwight did it!!”] You?


[User]
Dwight: "You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you’ve created. You have unleashed the wolf!"
Michael: "Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it."
Dwight: "And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard!


[User]
Dwight: "And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you’re begging for mercy, huh?  Well, you will find none here."
Michael: "Dwight, do you mind if we talk?"
Dwight: "Sure. That’d be fine."

[Assistant] Michael: If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed.


[User]
Dwight: "Sure. That’d be fine."
Michael: "If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed."
Dwight: "This is war and that is what happens."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, one more thing. I’m going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client.


[User]
Dwight: "This is war and that is what happens."
Michael: "Oh, one more thing. I’m going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client."
Dwight: "Oh, no. No. No. No. No."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, uh oh, I’m turning you down right now.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, no. No. No. No. No."
Michael: "Oh, uh oh, I’m turning you down right now."
Dwight: "Michael! Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: You can hear me, but I can’t hear you.


[User]
Dwight: "La la la! Continuing.  Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!"
Michael: "I’m going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin…"
Dwight: "Come on."

[Assistant] Michael: Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.


[User]
Mr. Schofield: "Why don’t you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?"
Michael: "That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual."
Mr. Schofield: "Uh, ok, sure."

[Assistant] Michael: Good, good, good. I will see you.


[User]
Pam: "You didn’t happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?"
Michael: "Milk and sugar."
Pam: "Oh, awesome.  You’re a life saver.  [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what I said.


[User]
Ryan: "Most dorm rooms don’t even have that."
Michael: "Most do in the magazines."
Ryan: "Let’s see what a delivery guy costs."

[Assistant] Michael: We should look into that.  Or we just go for the loft.


[User]
Financial Guy: "Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct–"
Michael: "They are correct, sir."
Financial Guy: "Then you can’t afford to pay him anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. A lame attempt at humor.  Swing and a miss.


[User]
Financial Guy: "Then you can’t afford to pay him anything."
Michael: "Okay. A lame attempt at humor.  Swing and a miss."
Financial Guy: "Your prices are too low."

[Assistant] Michael: Lowest in town.


[User]
Financial Guy: "…business expansion–"
Michael: "Whatever, yeah."
Financial Guy: "At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you’ll make."

[Assistant] Michael: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.


[User]
Financial Guy: "At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you’ll make."
Michael: "Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business."
Financial Guy: "They’re actually putting you out of business."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay.  Hold on, hold on.  Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.


[User]
Pam: "Steve Martin’s not dead, Michael."
Michael: "I know.  But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life.  I was wrong.  It’s this."
Pam: "You want to hear something sad?"

[Assistant] Michael: I would love that.


[User]
Ryan: "I went to Fort Lauderdale."
Michael: "Was it nice?"
Ryan: "Yeah, it was amazing.  There was a great Pad Thai place, though."

[Assistant] Michael: I love Pad Thai.


[User]
Ryan: "Yeah, it was amazing.  There was a great Pad Thai place, though."
Michael: "I love Pad Thai."
Ryan: "You’ve never had Pad Thai."

[Assistant] Michael: No.  There’s a lot I haven’t done.


[User]
Jim: "Okay, so I’ll be back in, um– back in a bit."
Michael: "[knocking on door] Hmm?"
Jim: "Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?"

[Assistant] Michael: We’re not hiring, Jim.


[User]
Jim: "Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?"
Michael: "We’re not hiring, Jim."
Jim: "Actually here for something else."

[Assistant] Michael: Listen, I can’t make you laugh right now.


[User]
Jim: "Three yeses.  I will see you titans of industry upstairs."
Michael: "Yes, well, we’re not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks."
Jim: "Missed the last part."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s a pun.


[User]
Jim: "Missed the last part."
Michael: "That’s a pun."
Jim: "Got it."

[Assistant] Michael: Yep. Oh… wow.


[User]
Ryan: "Okay, so you are not going to reveal  in any way that we’re broke."
Michael: "Of course not."
Ryan: "That we’re having any problem at all."

[Assistant] Michael: Nope, nope, nope.


[User]
David: "Here’s the situation.  Your company is four weeks old.  I know this business.  I know what suppliers are charging.  I know you can’t be making very much money.  I don’t know how your prices are so low, but I know it can’t keep up that way.  I’m sure you’re scared.  Probably in debt. This is the best offer you’re gonna get."
Michael: "I’ll see your situation and I’ll raise you a situation.  Your company is losing clients left and right.  You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you’re going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding.  So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO.  So I don’t think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin.  I think I just have to wait out you."
David: "Okay, now I don’t know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How’s about $60,000.  Hmm?  $60,0000.  Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: [stutters] We’ll have to talk–


[User]
David: "Okay.  Please continue."
Michael: "And Ryan."
David: "Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael.  Ryan is–"

[Assistant] Michael: You know, David.  I don’t care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.


[User]
David: "Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael.  Ryan is–"
Michael: "You know, David.  I don’t care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me."
David: "Do you realize what you’re asking for here?  You’re talking about salary plus health benefits–"

[Assistant] Michael: And dental this time.


[User]
David: "Do you realize what you’re asking for here?  You’re talking about salary plus health benefits–"
Michael: "And dental this time."
David: "Insurance, taxes, social security for three people.  This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand.  You’re talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out."

[Assistant] Michael: These are our demands.


[User]
David: "Insurance, taxes, social security for three people.  This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand.  You’re talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out."
Michael: "These are our demands."
David: "Your company cannot be worth that much."

[Assistant] Michael: Our company is worth nothing.  That’s the difference between you and I.  Business isn’t about money to me, David.  If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company.  And  then another and another and another.  I have no shortage of company names.


[User]
Ryan: "What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls."
Michael: "Mm-hmm."
Ryan: "Chiklis style."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, the Commish.


[User]
Ryan: "Chiklis style."
Michael: "Yeah, the Commish."
Ryan: "Yes, but Chiklis Shield style.  Not Commish style."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, yeah. The Shield.


[User]
Ryan: "That looks great."
Michael: "Dwight, is that a meat sandwich?  You guys hungry?"
Ryan: "I can eat."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m going to o have some of this meat sandwich.


[User]
Dwight: "Gasp.  Are you talking about a secret meeting?"
Michael: "Whatever you guys did earlier."
Dwight: "I don’t know that first things about secret meetings."

[Assistant] Michael: Just do it, okay?


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t know that first things about secret meetings."
Michael: "Just do it, okay?"
Dwight: "I’ll do–"

[Assistant] Michael: Get ’em there.  Get ’em there.


[User]
Dwight: "I’ll do–"
Michael: "Get ’em there.  Get ’em there."
Dwight: "I’ll do the best I can."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you kidding me?


[User]
Dwight: "I’ll do the best I can."
Michael: "Are you kidding me?"
Dwight: "Deceit does not come easy to me."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay, okay.


[User]
Stanley: "Are you giving us our clients back?"
Michael: "If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say,  “apology accepted”, I think we would all feel better.  And then we can break out  my gift to you–complimentary white chocolate bark."
Stanley: "Nobody likes that stuff except for you."

[Assistant] Michael: They wouldn’t make it unless people liked it.


[User]
Jim: "I don’t want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan.  You know that."
Michael: "You’re close with Pam too."
Jim: "Eh, she’s nice, I guess.  You know what?  Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list."

[Assistant] Michael: Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he’s my number one choice.


[User]
Jim: "Eh, she’s nice, I guess.  You know what?  Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list."
Michael: "Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he’s my number one choice."
Jim: "Well, that’s–"

[Assistant] Michael: I like his hair.


[User]
Jim: "He definitely stole my iPod."
Michael: "That sounds pretty biased."
Jim: "You didn’t hear my pros.  Environmentally-conscious ’cause his mom drives him to work everyday."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Pam, pros.


[User]
Jim: "You didn’t hear my pros.  Environmentally-conscious ’cause his mom drives him to work everyday."
Michael: "Okay. Pam, pros."
Jim: "Mm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: I like her.  I think that she is a fast learner.  Cons, she doesn’t always follow through.  Sh–New York and the whole art school thing.  And Roy.  She has a weird voice.


[User]
Jim: "Mm-hmm."
Michael: "I like her.  I think that she is a fast learner.  Cons, she doesn’t always follow through.  Sh–New York and the whole art school thing.  And Roy.  She has a weird voice."
Jim: "That’s not true."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t need to tell you that.


[User]
Jim: "That’s not true."
Michael: "I don’t need to tell you that."
Jim: "I think she’d be a really good salesperson."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven’t said one bad thing about Pam.


[User]
Jim: "I think she’d be a really good salesperson."
Michael: "I don’t think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven’t said one bad thing about Pam."
Jim: "And I won’t."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay.  So be it, then you’ve lost credibility.  And I’m going to go with my guy, and that’s Ryan.


[User]
Jim: "And I won’t."
Michael: "Okay.  So be it, then you’ve lost credibility.  And I’m going to go with my guy, and that’s Ryan."
Jim: "All right.  You’re right, sometimes when she’s tired, she can be a little bit shrill.  But that’s not a weird voice."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, wow!  Whoa!


[User]
Jim: "All right.  You’re right, sometimes when she’s tired, she can be a little bit shrill.  But that’s not a weird voice."
Michael: "Oh, wow!  Whoa!"
Jim: "Take it easy."

[Assistant] Michael: Ho-ho, man!  Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey!  I want you to bring the garbage out.  ‘Cause I’m not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba–


[User]
Pam: "Just tell me."
Michael: "I gave Ryan the sales job.  There just weren’t enough clients for the two of you.  So I had to–"
Pam: "No, okay."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m sorry, sorry.


[User]
Pam: "No, okay."
Michael: "I’m sorry, sorry."
Pam: "Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling?  Is this a joke?  [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this– did I get the job?"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughing] Yes, you did.


[User]
Pam: "For real, you’re not kidding?"
Michael: "No, you–no."
Pam: "I did?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, you’re the best person for the job.  You’re going to be great.


[User]
Pam: "I did?"
Michael: "No, you’re the best person for the job.  You’re going to be great."
Pam: "Oh, Michael, thank you.  Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughing] Oh, oh!


[User]
Pam: "Oh, Michael, thank you.  Thank you."
Michael: "[laughing] Oh, oh!"
Pam: "Thank you.  You will not be sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: You should have seen your face.  Oh man! Oh, that was classic.


[User]
Pam: "Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn’t get it."
Michael: "Oh, really?"
Pam: "Yeah.  ‘Cause you said I didn’t"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, man.  That was really good.  That was really good.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah.  ‘Cause you said I didn’t"
Michael: "Oh, man.  That was really good.  That was really good."
Pam: "What about Ryan?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know, I offered him his temp job back.  We’ll see.  He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn’t get the job, so–


[User]
Pam: "What about Ryan?"
Michael: "I don’t know, I offered him his temp job back.  We’ll see.  He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn’t get the job, so–"
Pam: "Yeah.  Maybe you shouldn’t fake fire people anymore."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t appreciate you telling me what to do.  So clean out your desk, you are through here.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah.  Maybe you shouldn’t fake fire people anymore."
Michael: "I don’t appreciate you telling me what to do.  So clean out your desk, you are through here."
Pam: "Thanks, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! What’s our receptionists name?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, I can’t do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor."
Michael: "Oh, really? Ok."
Pam: "Just sent it."

[Assistant] Michael: What about the rest of you? [complete silence]


[User]
Erin: "Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?"
Michael: "No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh."
Erin: "Well, I like to swim."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s good.


[User]
Erin: "Well, I like to swim."
Michael: "That’s good."
Erin: "You have a cool place to come hang."

[Assistant] Michael: If you ever want to come down here, door’s always open, lock’s broken, so…


[User]
Erin: "Now I do got it."
Michael: "Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?"
Erin: "Oh, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.


[User]
Erin: "Oh, yeah."
Michael: "You gotta keep yourself dehydrated."
Erin: "That’s rule #1."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. I love it. I love it.


[User]
Angela: "Kevin, come."
Michael: "Stay, stay."
Angela: "Come on, right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Cookie. Kevin, cookie.


[User]
Phyllis: "Hey. I like."
Michael: "[starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude."
Phyllis: "Oh! Mother ******!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!


[User]
Phyllis: "[moans in pain]"
Michael: "You didn’t do that. You’re ok. You’re ok. Let’s lie down. You want to go down? Alright."
Phyllis: "Wow! Sorry!"

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. That’s ok. That’s not a problem. Ok, sweetie.


[User]
Phyllis: "It’s my back."
Michael: "It’s her back. We just – We need – Let’s – You know what?"
Phyllis: "Call a doctor."

[Assistant] Michael: We’re going to take care of you. We’re gonna get you help. Let’s – come on.


[User]
Phyllis: "Call a doctor."
Michael: "We’re going to take care of you. We’re gonna get you help. Let’s – come on."
Phyllis: "No. Call Bob."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, no. No. No. This is no good.


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries."
Michael: "I don’t need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?"
Dwight: "What do you think history is?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat.


[User]
Angela: "No. I didn’t come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these."
Michael: "Oh. Alright. There you go."
Angela: "No. You need to sign them all."

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. No. Here is the deal – one signature for every song.


[User]
Angela: "No. You need to sign them all."
Michael: "No. No. No. Here is the deal – one signature for every song."
Angela: "Look, I hate to be “that” person but I just don’t like the general spirit of music."

[Assistant] Michael: I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, ” This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We’re not going to eat you.” [Angela shows Michael the papers again] No.


[User]
Holly: "Oh no, I see they’re letting just anybody in here."
Michael: "Mmhmm. Yeah, that’s right."
Holly: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.


[User]
Holly: "All right."
Michael: "All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey."
Holly: "Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?"

[Assistant] Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.


[User]
Aj: "We’re designing a house."
Michael: "Cool. For who?"
Aj: "For us."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow… I’m designing a chair. It’s part of your pants. You sit down, you’re supported.


[User]
Holly: "Yep, the old comedy team is back together again."
Michael: "That’s right."
Holly: "[in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Newspapers for sale!


[User]
Holly: "Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?"
Michael: "[watching her eat] What?"
Holly: "Do you have a script for the sketch, or…"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, no, I just thought we’d wing it. That cool?


[User]
Holly: "We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time… fix their parents. [both laugh]"
Michael: "Could we get a Delorean?"
Holly: "Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! [to the theme of “Jaws”] Dun-der. Dun-der…


[User]
Holly: "Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community."
Michael: "Oh! [to the theme of “Jaws”] Dun-der. Dun-der…"
Holly: "Dun-der. Dun-der…"

[Assistant] Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]


[User]
David: "Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song."
Michael: "[shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it’s a sketch now."
David: "Okay, introducing Scranton’s Michael Scott performing with Nashua’s Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]"

[Assistant] Michael: And now, presenting…


[User]
Holly: "Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?"
Michael: "Yes, I am."
Holly: "For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ohh, I’m thinking… I’m going to say… B, tour of Dartmouth College.


[User]
Holly: "For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?"
Michael: "Ohh, I’m thinking… I’m going to say… B, tour of Dartmouth College."
Holly: "That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!


[User]
Holly: "That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]"
Michael: "[screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!"
Holly: "[now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you’ll get in?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I’m definitely getting in. I’m a shoo-in.


[User]
Holly: "[now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you’ll get in?"
Michael: "Yeah, I’m definitely getting in. I’m a shoo-in."
Holly: "I’m Robert Dunder."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience’s response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]


[User]
Holly: "I’m Robert Dunder."
Michael: "I’m Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience’s response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]"
Holly: "Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!"

[Assistant] Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head.


[User]
David: "What about the fact that they’re here today? What about that? That didn’t throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, “oh, this would be really funny.”"
Michael: "Thank you."
David: "Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, “is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?”"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, he’s just thinking about his own gifts.


[User]
Holly: "How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?"
Michael: "I think it went well. I think it was good."
Holly: "There weren’t any laughs."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it was a tough audience.


[User]
Holly: "There weren’t any laughs."
Michael: "No, it was a tough audience."
Holly: "Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience."

[Assistant] Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.


[User]
Holly: "Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience."
Michael: "Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them."
Holly: "Well, I’m glad we did it."

[Assistant] Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year’s sketch.


[User]
Phyllis: "They’re not getting married. It’s just talk."
Michael: "Did everybody know about this but me?"
Phyllis: "There’s nothing to know, it’s just gossip."

[Assistant] Michael: [shaking head disgustedly] Okay… okay. [leaves room]


[User]
Dwight: "[typing] Okay, let me finish this thought."
Michael: "Eric likes Megan."
Dwight: "[still typing] He most definitely does. He’s been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well."

[Assistant] Michael: [annoyed] How do you know this?


[User]
Dwight: "[still typing] He most definitely does. He’s been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well."
Michael: "[annoyed] How do you know this?"
Dwight: "[still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it’s because of my low cheekbones. And… boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can’t I guess?"

[Assistant] Michael: I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it’s not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn’t exist. Or that the sport doesn’t exist? I should’ve known. Poopball?


[User]
Maurie: "Did Stanley tell you?"
Michael: "[confused] Stanley was on your group date?"
Maurie: "No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn’t wave back."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Does anybody else know about this?


[User]
Stanley: "I’m meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?"
Michael: "No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I’m casting a movie and I’m looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?"
Stanley: "Goodbye. [walks away]"

[Assistant] Michael: Pays five million dollars. Nudity required.


[User]
Jim: "[approaching Michael] You have to stop this."
Michael: "[giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley’s having an affair?"
Jim: "I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it’s really sad because everybody thinks you’re a loser…


[User]
Jim: "I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people."
Michael: "Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it’s really sad because everybody thinks you’re a loser…"
Jim: "Do you know if it’s true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life."

[Assistant] Michael: [stares at Jim silently, then walks away]


[User]
Stanley: "[as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?"
Michael: "So It’s not true. Okay, well… ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just… racial profiling gossip."
Stanley: "[hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club."

[Assistant] Michael: [nodding] So stupid!


[User]
Stanley: "[hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club."
Michael: "[nodding] So stupid!"
Stanley: "It’s just that… Teri’s been traveling a lot…"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know.


[User]
Stanley: "It’s just that… Teri’s been traveling a lot…"
Michael: "I know, I know."
Stanley: "And it’s been lonely."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I bet.


[User]
Stanley: "And it’s been lonely."
Michael: "Oh, I bet."
Stanley: "Cynthia’s been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill… I didn’t…"

[Assistant] Michael: Wait, hold, hold, hold… so it IS true?


[User]
Stanley: "Cynthia’s been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill… I didn’t…"
Michael: "Wait, hold, hold, hold… so it IS true?"
Stanley: "Yeah, but Michael, I’m going to go break it off. That’s where I’m headed right now. I swear."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they’re going on sales calls and then go someplace else? ‘Cause that’s not cool.


[User]
Stanley: "Yeah, but Michael, I’m going to go break it off. That’s where I’m headed right now. I swear."
Michael: "Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they’re going on sales calls and then go someplace else? ‘Cause that’s not cool."
Stanley: "I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please."

[Assistant] Michael: [muttering] I’m not saying… a damn thing.


[User]
Stanley: "I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please."
Michael: "[muttering] I’m not saying… a damn thing."
Stanley: "I’m counting on you, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: [looking afraid] You can count on me.


[User]
Kevin: "I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat."
Michael: "Did you hear about Angela? That’s pretty weird."
Kevin: "Yeah… what do you mean exactly?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno’s on the turnpike.


[User]
Erin: "She always eats my lunch."
Michael: "Anorexia. She’s an anorexatic."
Erin: "We should do something."

[Assistant] Michael: Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess.


[User]
Angela: "No. We heard that about Jim."
Michael: "Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself."
Angela: "How is that a bad rumor?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because a lot of people think that models, even though they’re very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It’s set our industry back quite a bit.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, we only told our parents last week."
Michael: "Did you pee on a stick?"
Jim: "I did. It was inconclusive."

[Assistant] Michael: You should’ve told me.


[User]
Jim: "[gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay]"
Michael: "Hold on a second, Cynthia."
Jim: "[hangs up Michael’s phone, leaves room]"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael’s office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael’s Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So… you can’t stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don’t think you should ever try.


[User]
Oscar: "Yeah sure."
Michael: "I’m going in for a procedure today."
Oscar: "Is everything okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, it’s routine.  I’m just a little bit scared.


[User]
Oscar: "Is everything okay?"
Michael: "Yeah, it’s routine.  I’m just a little bit scared."
Oscar: "I’m sure everything will be fine.  [pulls up a chair]  What do you? What’s the procedure, if you don’t mind my asking?"

[Assistant] Michael: It is a colonoscopy.


[User]
Pam: "Okay, it’s just three or four steps but thank you, thank you."
Michael: "You and Jim are close, huh?"
Pam: "Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you…


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together."
Michael: "Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you…"
Pam: "Ummm, I don’t know."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.


[User]
Pam: "Ummm, I don’t know."
Michael: "Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in."
Pam: "Did I?  Doesn’t sound like me, not very superstitious."

[Assistant] Michael: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar.  That’s how it works.  They inherit things through the breast milk.


[User]
Pam: "Did I?  Doesn’t sound like me, not very superstitious."
Michael: "If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar.  That’s how it works.  They inherit things through the breast milk."
Pam: "Please don’t talk about my breast milk."

[Assistant] Michael: I just don’t want you to lie to me.  I don’t want you to ever lie to me.  Have I ever lied to you?


[User]
Creed: "Think they’re talking about me?"
Michael: "No, I think they’re talking about me."
Creed: "Yeah, that makes way more sense.   Okay thanks boss."

[Assistant] Michael: What is Jim telling him?  That I can’t handle this job?  That ‘s bull crap.  That is bull crap.  Although, it has been chaotic lately.  Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients.  I will tell you there has been work everyday.  Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve… I left my cell phone here.


[User]
David: "Are you sure you’re okay with these new responsibilites?"
Michael: "Look who you’re talking to."
David: "I’m just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone’s talents."

[Assistant] Michael: Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.


[User]
David: "I’m just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone’s talents."
Michael: "Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever."
David: "What about Jim?  Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?"

[Assistant] Michael: [looks at Jim]   Permission to speak on the record?


[User]
David: "What about Jim?  Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?"
Michael: "[looks at Jim]   Permission to speak on the record?"
David: "Please do."

[Assistant] Michael: Jim is like Big Bird.  He is tall and yellow and very nice.  But would I put him in charge?  No, I don’t think so.  Because Big Bird doesn’t make the tough decisions.  I… If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.


[User]
David: "Please do."
Michael: "Jim is like Big Bird.  He is tall and yellow and very nice.  But would I put him in charge?  No, I don’t think so.  Because Big Bird doesn’t make the tough decisions.  I… If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe."
David: "I thought you liked Jim?"

[Assistant] Michael: Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it’s his performance report… right here.  Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.


[User]
David: "I thought you liked Jim?"
Michael: "Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it’s his performance report… right here.  Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable."
David: "[reading performance report]  “Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is.”"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s not very well written, but you get the gist.


[User]
David: "[reading performance report]  “Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is.”"
Michael: "It’s not very well written, but you get the gist."
David: "Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?"

[Assistant] Michael: I can just continue to run it myself.


[User]
David: "Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?"
Michael: "I can just continue to run it myself."
David: "Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position."

[Assistant] Michael: This was Jim’s idea?


[User]
Jim: "When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?"
Michael: "Well we did talk about how handsome you are."
Jim: "Why don’t we head in your office to talk?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh what a week, God.  We said… I know there were certain things we said…