[User]
Dwight: "Let’s see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael’s desk]"
Michael: "Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight."
Dwight: "I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, “Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.” Well I say, “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day.


[User]
Jim: "Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?"
Michael: "Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me."
Jim: "OK, great."

[Assistant] Michael: This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I.


[User]
Dwight: "Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let’s put it this way:"
Michael: "This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who’s abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead."
Dwight: "No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, yes I would. And I would survive.


[User]
Dwight: "And they would call me the Overkill Killer."
Michael: "You… you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK."
Dwight: "What are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can’t retrace my steps. I don’t know what streets we’ve been— [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?


[User]
Dwight: "What are you doing?"
Michael: "I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can’t retrace my steps. I don’t know what streets we’ve been— [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?"
Dwight: "It would be better if you were unconscious."

[Assistant] Michael: No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it.


[User]
Dwight: "It would be better if you were unconscious."
Michael: "No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it."
Dwight: "Do you want to do this right or not?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?


[User]
Jim: "There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are."
Michael: "[flashback to Stanley’s birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug."
Jim: "And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to “Happy Birthday.” And he’s a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault."

[Assistant] Michael: [flashback to Kelly’s birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday!


[User]
Dwight: "Spin. I’m trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael’s blindfold off] Behold."
Michael: "Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight."
Dwight: "Here’s your knife. Here’s your duct tape."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]


[User]
Dwight: "Here’s your knife. Here’s your duct tape."
Michael: "Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]"
Dwight: "Good luck, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]


[User]
Dwight: "Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don’t know what he’s searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch."
Michael: "Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious."
Dwight: "About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs]."

[Assistant] Michael: I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn’t come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I’m startin’ to feel it a little bit. Ohh… It’s Creed’s birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy.


[User]
Jim: "Sure glad you’re back."
Michael: "You are relieved."
Jim: "You have no idea."

[Assistant] Michael: So what did I miss?


[User]
Jim: "So, terrible idea."
Michael: "Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake."
Jim: "You did do it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you’ll figure it out.


[User]
Jim: "You did do it?"
Michael: "Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you’ll figure it out."
Jim: "Well, I don’t think I’ll be here in ten years."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what I said. That’s what she said.


[User]
Jim: "Well, I don’t think I’ll be here in ten years."
Michael: "That’s what I said. That’s what she said."
Jim: "That’s what who said?"

[Assistant] Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.


[User]
Jim: "That’s what who said?"
Michael: "I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard."
Jim: "That’s what she said."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, it’s Creed’s birthday today.  Should we get him an ice-cream cake?  Mint chocolate chip?"
Michael: "Pam, are you my friend?"
Pam: "Oh, no."

[Assistant] Michael: We have been friends forever, right?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, no."
Michael: "We have been friends forever, right?"
Pam: "Yes, I have been working with you forever."

[Assistant] Michael: Hypothetically… would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you?  And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping.  That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.


[User]
Pam: "Here’s the thing.  When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation."
Michael: "Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?"
Pam: "I do."

[Assistant] Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?


[User]
Dwight: "Look at that.  Perfectly balanced.  This is a fine precision instrument."
Michael: "All right, Dexter, just give me the knife."
Dwight: "Don’t you want a sheath for that?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael]  All right.


[User]
Dwight: "Don’t you want a sheath for that?"
Michael: "No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael]  All right."
Dwight: "Anything else?  Flint…"

[Assistant] Michael: MmMmm.  All I need…


[User]
Jim: "I think you did."
Michael: "I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?"
Jim: "Oh, I-"

[Assistant] Michael: You said you didn’t have plans. That’s what you said.


[User]
Jan: "How are you?"
Michael: "Come on in. Good to see you."
Jan: "Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?


[User]
Jan: "Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we’re still a work in progress here."
Michael: "Well, thats…"
Jan: "This is my office."

[Assistant] Michael: Yep, never been used.


[User]
Jan: "It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said “Honey keep the trophies.”"
Michael: "Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies."
Jan: "[doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll get it.


[User]
Jan: "You know Pam, in Spain they often don’t start eating until midnight."
Michael: "When in Rome."
Jan: "Do you have a preference, upstairs first?"

[Assistant] Michael: Whatever you say babe.


[User]
Jan: "I was watching Jim."
Michael: "And he was laughing."
Jan: "No smiling."

[Assistant] Michael: Look at him, he’s laughing.


[User]
Jim: "Katie Holmes."
Michael: "No, Baah! But he’s married to her!"
Jim: "Oh, Dawson’s Creek."

[Assistant] Michael: No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I’m gonna pass, I’m gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.


[User]
Jan: "[eyes Pam] I’m so, so sorry for the temperature in here.  The um, sliding glass door shattered. It’s actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?"
Michael: "I don’t like that story babe."
Jan: "Come on, it’s a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!"

[Assistant] Michael: Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don’t. I shouldn’t say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.


[User]
Jan: "Come on, it’s a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!"
Michael: "Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don’t. I shouldn’t say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible."
Jan: "You are so right, you’re so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil."

[Assistant] Michael: Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I’m in hell! Aaahhh I’m burning, help me!


[User]
Jan: "Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want."
Michael: "Whatever I want? It’s never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?"
Jan: "We saw Wicked."

[Assistant] Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.


[User]
Jan: "We saw Wicked."
Michael: "When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children."
Jan: "I am so sorry that I don’t want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay?  But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let’s have a [bleep]ing kid."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]


[User]
Jan: "How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it."
Michael: "No. No. I’m gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together."
Jan: "Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter’s CD really loud]"

[Assistant] Michael: [to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don’t think he’s that good.


[User]
Jan: "Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter’s CD really loud]"
Michael: "[to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don’t think he’s that good."
Jan: "At least he’s an artist."

[Assistant] Michael: BFD. I’m a screenwriter.


[User]
Jan: "At least he’s an artist."
Michael: "BFD. I’m a screenwriter."
Jan: "[shouting] AND I’M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON’T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!"

[Assistant] Michael: NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!


[User]
Jan: "[shouting] AND I’M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON’T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!"
Michael: "NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!"
Jan: "FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!"

[Assistant] Michael: MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!


[User]
Jan: "FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!"
Michael: "MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!"
Jan: "YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!"

[Assistant] Michael: OH GOOD. I’LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!


[User]
Jan: "YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!"
Michael: "OH GOOD. I’LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!"
Jan: "AND YOU’RE HARDLY MY FIRST!"

[Assistant] Michael: [yells] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael’s dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]


[User]
Pam: "The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?"
Michael: "Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She’s got – I don’t know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch."
Pam: "Or in a great chair."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?


[User]
Pam: "Or in a great chair."
Michael: "Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?"
Pam: "I definitely remember your dinner party."

[Assistant] Michael: I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.


[User]
Pam: "I definitely remember your dinner party."
Michael: "I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands."
Pam: "Actually, I put the catalog in your hands ’cause you have to pick out a new chair."

[Assistant] Michael: What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.


[User]
Kevin: "If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I’d take her for myself."
Michael: "I thought that you were engaged?"
Kevin: "Nope. Stacy broke up with me."

[Assistant] Michael: Whaaaat? God, that’s terrible man. Eghh, she’s crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?


[User]
Phyllis: "Sandy. She’s gorgeous and she’s got a feisty personality, too."
Michael: "Hmm, I see, feisty. So she’s not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?"
Phyllis: "Umm, no, she’s a professional softball player."

[Assistant] Michael: Oooo. Catcher or in field?


[User]
Phyllis: "Umm, no, she’s a professional softball player."
Michael: "Oooo. Catcher or in field?"
Phyllis: "Umm I don’t know Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?


[User]
Phyllis: "Umm I don’t know Michael."
Michael: "Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?"
Phyllis: "What are you asking?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think I’m being very clear what I’m asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you’re not answering the question.


[User]
Phyllis: "What are you asking?"
Michael: "I think I’m being very clear what I’m asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you’re not answering the question."
Phyllis: "No, alright no, she can’t fit in a row boat."

[Assistant] Michael: Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!


[User]
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "Wendy’s."
Michael: "Hello Wendy, this is Kevin’s friend, Michael."
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "This isn’t Wendy."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I’m sorry, could you put her on please?


[User]
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "This isn’t Wendy."
Michael: "Oh, I’m sorry, could you put her on please?"
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "Dude, this is a Wendy’s restaurant."

[Assistant] Michael: [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?


[User]
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "Dude, this is a Wendy’s restaurant."
Michael: "[under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?"
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "You have to come to the restaurant to order food."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’ll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.


[User]
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "You have to come to the restaurant to order food."
Michael: "Well, I’ll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready."
Wendy’S Phone Operator: "It’s ready now."

[Assistant] Michael: Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm… yeah.


[User]
Dwight: "OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies."
Michael: "Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm… this one says chair model…"
Dwight: "I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn’t have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit."

[Assistant] Michael: That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy’s, get my food. Come back and then go.


[User]
Dwight: "The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed."
Michael: "She’s dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She’s so young."
Dwight: "She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, God. Oh…


[User]
Pam: "OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you."
Michael: "Oh really? What’s her name? Burger King?"
Pam: "No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She’s really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t, I don’t think I’m ready. Is she hot?


[User]
Pam: "No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She’s really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael]"
Michael: "I don’t, I don’t think I’m ready. Is she hot?"
Pam: "I’m setting Michael up with my land lady. She’s really sweet and… whatever, I just can’t take Michael like this."

[Assistant] Michael: No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.


[User]
Kevin: "The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There’s Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him “Cool Guy Paul.” W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean."
Michael: "[still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don’t have time for this right now. I’m trying to get a date with Pam’s hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now."
Kevin: "[to Andy] I’m calling the meeting anyway."

[Assistant] Michael: [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So… behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn’t respond]


[User]
Margaret: "Are you Michael Scott?"
Michael: "Is who a Michael what?"
Margaret: "Oh, I’m sorry, I’m, I’m supposed to be meeting someone named Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, that’s not, yeah I’m not… OK…


[User]
Margaret: "I don’t know."
Michael: "You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that."
Margaret: "She’s beautiful."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Yeah, and you can’t see her whole body. Down here, she’s got a boob job. Just… she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don’t know.


[User]
Margaret: "I’m gonna head out."
Michael: "Oh, OK. Well, umm… I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus."
Margaret: "That’s incredibly rude."

[Assistant] Michael: Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves]


[User]
Dwight: "She was stoned apparently."
Michael: "You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that’s just silly because she’s dead. What do you do?"
Dwight: "You wait until next year’s chair catalog comes out and you find someone who’s still alive."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, you move on.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay, so look that over, make sure it’s accurate."
Michael: "Oh.  What is this?"
Dwight: "Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount."

[Assistant] Michael: You were charging me?  I’m your friend.


[User]
Dwight: "Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount."
Michael: "You were charging me?  I’m your friend."
Dwight: "You occupied the America room for six weeks.  That’s our most popular room."

[Assistant] Michael: There was no other guest the entire time I was here.


[User]
Dwight: "You occupied the America room for six weeks.  That’s our most popular room."
Michael: "There was no other guest the entire time I was here."
Dwight: "Right.  Because you were in the America room.  In an election year."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay.  All right, Dwight.  Take my money.  Go ahead.  Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction.  The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends.  Just ring me up.  Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill].


[User]
Angela: "I don’t."
Michael: "A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or…"
Angela: "A Catholic schoolgirl?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, obviously older.


[User]
Angela: "A Catholic schoolgirl?"
Michael: "No, no, obviously older."
Angela: "A nun?"

[Assistant] Michael: Love.  Marriage.  Baby carriage.  Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song.  Jan and I had love.  We did not have marriage.  We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.


[User]
Kelly: "Hi, Michael."
Michael: "[sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly."
Kelly: "Yeah, what are you doing here?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nothing.  Just hangin’.  Chillin’.  No agenda.  Would you consider hookin’ me up with one of your friends?


[User]
Kelly: "Oh, my God…"
Michael: "That’s hilarious.  What’s her number?"
Kelly: "She’s 23."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm… nah, that’s too young.


[User]
Pam: "No, I don’t, I…"
Michael: "How ’bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?"
Pam: "I just…"

[Assistant] Michael: You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn’t have to be a model.  I’m not, don’t rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories.  There’s face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] – yes.


[User]
Jim: "How’d you get gum in your hair?"
Michael: "I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley’s car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil."
Jim: "But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter."

[Assistant] Michael: Kill me… right now.


[User]
Dwight: "Taste good too."
Michael: "Oh don’t. That’s disgusting."
Dwight: "Wow! Lot of calories."

[Assistant] Michael: Well just don’t leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that’s nice.


[User]
Ryan: "You too."
Michael: "Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan]"
Ryan: "Michael let me go. Let me go Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me.


[User]
Jim: "I’m gonna go to my desk."
Michael: "Jim, it’s not the horniness, ok it’s the loneliness that…"
Jim: "I know."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s go to New York. We’ll go clubbing with Ryan.


[User]
Jim: "I know."
Michael: "Let’s go to New York. We’ll go clubbing with Ryan."
Jim: "I can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you can, you’re single, I’m single. It’ll be awesome.


[User]
Jim: "I can’t."
Michael: "Yes you can, you’re single, I’m single. It’ll be awesome."
Jim: "I’m not single."

[Assistant] Michael: Who you dating?


[User]
Dwight: "Fire hazard."
Michael: "Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall."
Dwight: "Women look like white slaves."

[Assistant] Michael: No, they’re just hotties.


[User]
Girl In Club: "I’ve never heard of that movie."
Michael: "Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course."
Girl In Club: "How old are you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Forty… I’m in my forties.


[User]
Girl In Club: "Well I’m gonna go back to my group now."
Michael: "Oh, OK."
Girl In Club: "Thanks for the drink."

[Assistant] Michael: You are welcome.


[User]
Ryan: "Did you want a place where we could meet older women?"
Michael: "I would love a place where we could meet older"
Ryan: "Hell yeah. I’ll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ahh, wow. That’s dangerous.


[User]
Girl In 2Nd Club: "I’m just gonna just use the powder room."
Michael: "All right."
Girl In 2Nd Club: "So I’ll see ya soon."

[Assistant] Michael: Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office – All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan]


[User]
Ryan: "You’re doing it man."
Michael: "I know. I don’t wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom."
Ryan: "Hey man, you ever think there’s gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they’ll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare’s gonna rule the world?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy]


[User]
Dwight: "I got sofa. I got sofa."
Michael: "Dwight, I’m the boss."
Dwight: "I got floor."

[Assistant] Michael: Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t wannna get my head stepped on.


[User]
Dwight: "Ohhh, man!  [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes."
Michael: "Ahh, ooh!"
Dwight: "I am so sorry.  I’m so sorry, sir."

[Assistant] Michael: [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on.


[User]
Ryan: "Yeah, New York is great."
Michael: "No, I mean this apartment building, it’s fantastic."
Ryan: "Oh, this, this is not my apartment.  This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.


[User]
Phyllis: "When I was a little girl…"
Michael: "Okay… Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let’s hear it!"
Phyllis: "We-we found some wet cement in the park…"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s drying, it’s drying…


[User]
Phyllis: "We-we found some wet cement in the park…"
Michael: "It’s drying, it’s drying…"
Phyllis: "In our neighborhood…"

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!


[User]
Phyllis: "In our neighborhood…"
Michael: "Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!"
Phyllis: "What did we write?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ahh come on!


[User]
Pam: "[wearing glasses] Um… yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend’s house and, I forgot my contact solution, so… I had to wear my backup glasses… Shut up."
Michael: "All right, everybody… Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You’re moving in the wrong direction…"
Pam: "I don’t have my contacts…"

[Assistant] Michael: Ub, dub dah, don’t need, I can’t even hear you. It’s just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we’re going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.


[User]
Jim: "What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?"
Michael: "Now we’re cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme…"
Jim: "An urban thing…"

[Assistant] Michael: An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?… Stanley, earth to Stanley…


[User]
Stanley: "Leave me alone, dammit."
Michael: "We’re havin a little brainstorm session…"
Stanley: "DID I STUTTER?"

[Assistant] Michael: …Good, this is good. I’m going to grab a glass of water.


[User]
Toby: "Can I talk to you a second?"
Michael: "Ugh, what?"
Toby: "Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning…"

[Assistant] Michael: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.


[User]
Toby: "Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning…"
Michael: "What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened."
Toby: "Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate."

[Assistant] Michael: That? In the conference room?


[User]
Toby: "Um, why don’t you go ask him that?"
Michael: "Okay, I will… I’m not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but…"
Toby: "You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter’s stomach hurts when there’s a mean girl at school…"

[Assistant] Michael: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it’s probably psychological.


[User]
Dwight: "However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly."
Michael: "What’s the pink?"
Dwight: "Menstrual cycles."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok… Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?


[User]
Darryl: "No, no, no…"
Michael: "I know, it’s very, very personal…"
Darryl: "No, um… I have."

[Assistant] Michael: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?


[User]
Darryl: "Oh my goodness."
Michael: "Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?"
Darryl: "Well see, um… in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers."

[Assistant] Michael: What is that?


[User]
Stanley: "I’ve watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I’m filing a lawsuit, and I’m gonna tell them about every stupid thing you’ve ever done up in this office."
Michael: "Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice."
Stanley: "So I’m not fired."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s it. And uh… do you have anything to say to me?


[User]
Stanley: "Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before."
Michael: "That’s not-"
Stanley: "And I think, “there’s no possible way–"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, all right…


[User]
Stanley: "Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I’ve gotten to know you, the less I’ve come to respect you. Any other theories?"
Michael: "All right, you don’t respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can’t talk to me that way in this office, you just can’t. I am your boss. Can’t allow it."
Stanley: "Fair enough."

[Assistant] Michael: I am good person, and sometimes, good people don’t get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don’t get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, “I don’t respect you!” Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don’t get no respect? Airplane food. Why don’t they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don’t get no respect, some–take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don’t get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What’s the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don’t get no respect!


[User]
Pam: "[laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs."
Michael: "Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me."
Pam: "This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, “only the best and the brightest.”


[User]
Pam: "This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin."
Michael: "Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, “only the best and the brightest.”"
Pam: "He’s nice and he seems interested."

[Assistant] Michael: He’s totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey.


[User]
Pam: "I only brought the one."
Michael: "Are you mental?"
Pam: "Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, “Are you sure Michael?” And you said “Pam! Pam! Pam!” And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, “Don’t worry, it’s just allergies.” Do you remember that?"

[Assistant] Michael: I… don’t.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, “Are you sure Michael?” And you said “Pam! Pam! Pam!” And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, “Don’t worry, it’s just allergies.” Do you remember that?"
Michael: "I… don’t."
Pam: "Okay. I’ll go look for another one. [she leaves]"

[Assistant] Michael: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I know you’re swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day."
Michael: "Who cares? I’m not there, Jim’s not there, why should they have to be there?"
Dwight: "So… what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich-"

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this?


[User]
Pam: "A piece of paper."
Michael: "This isn’t Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap."
Pam: "Well I think they’ll get the spirit of it."

[Assistant] Michael: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We’re dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock.


[User]
Pam: "Well I think they’ll get the spirit of it."
Michael: "Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We’re dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock."
Pam: "Are you serious?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. And don’t call me Shirley.


[User]
Justin: "You didn’t want me before. That’s what you said."
Michael: "No, I didn’t. You misconstrued me."
Justin: "You were kind of a jerk to me."

[Assistant] Michael: I, uh, hmm.


[User]
Justin: "You were kind of a jerk to me."
Michael: "I, uh, hmm."
Justin: "And I’m, I’m gonna go now."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t… hey.


[User]
Brad: "Sales, uh, sales would be cool."
Michael: "Sales is and could be very, very cool.  If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you."
Brad: "Well, that’s great."

[Assistant] Michael: Right here.  We have a lot of fun.


[User]
Brad: "Are you sure?"
Michael: "Mmm, yeah."
Brad: "Sweet. [camera zooms in on Pam]"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t fold it, though.


[User]
Brad: "Well, it was nice meeting you, I’m, I’m gonna take off."
Michael: "Hey, you know what?  Coincidence – I am going to go for a little stroll myself.  Are you psyched about the summer?"
Brad: "Oh, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, me, too.


[User]
Brad: "Oh, yeah."
Michael: "Yeah, me, too."
Brad: "Okay, well, I’m gonna go to the bathroom."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, be my guest.


[User]
Brad: "Whoa, come on!"
Michael: "So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this…"
Brad: "Yeah, I get it, okay, I’m not interested.  Stop following me around; you’re really starting to creep me out."

[Assistant] Michael: One other thing I wanted to…


[User]
Brad: "Yeah, I get it, okay, I’m not interested.  Stop following me around; you’re really starting to creep me out."
Michael: "One other thing I wanted to…"
Brad: "Nnn, look.  I was just being polite.  I don’t want to waste my life selling paper for your stupid company, okay? [walks away]"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs]  Ohh…Nah.


[User]
Dwight: "So what do we know about her?"
Michael: "Well, we know that Toby thinks she’ll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already."
Dwight: "I hate her too."

[Assistant] Michael: Why do you hate her?


[User]
Dwight: "I hate her too."
Michael: "Why do you hate her?"
Dwight: "Because she… stinks… with her… ways… and her… head."

[Assistant] Michael: You know, Dwight, sometimes… I don’t know, I think you say things just to agree with me.


[User]
Dwight: "Because she… stinks… with her… ways… and her… head."
Michael: "You know, Dwight, sometimes… I don’t know, I think you say things just to agree with me."
Dwight: "Would that be such a bad thing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?


[User]
Holly: "Oh… [laughs along] Nice, I’ve never heard that one before actually."
Michael: "I bet."
Holly: "That’s good."

[Assistant] Michael: I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?


[User]
Holly: "That’s good."
Michael: "I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?"
Holly: "No, no, I…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh… What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?


[User]
Holly: "No, no, I…"
Michael: "Oh… What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?"
Holly: "Ooh, uh…"

[Assistant] Michael: You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?


[User]
Jim: "Okay. Let’s start with the “I love you” level."
Michael: "Hey, what’s the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?"
Jim: "Yes. You don’t love Holly."

[Assistant] Michael: I think I do.


[User]
Jim: "Yes. You don’t love Holly."
Michael: "I think I do."
Jim: "But you just met her."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.


[User]
Jim: "But you just met her."
Michael: "Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears."
Jim: "Oh, okay, it doesn’t work like that."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you’re not a romantic.


[User]
Jim: "Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow."
Michael: "Yeah, you took it too slow."
Jim: "Well, we’re really happy."

[Assistant] Michael: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.


[User]
Jim: "Well, we’re really happy."
Michael: "This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me."
Jim: "And that’s really sweet. And you can think that. But you don’t say that out loud, and you definitely don’t say it to her."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t want her to get away.


[User]
Holly: "[tool clicking] Damn it!"
Michael: "Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don’t, uh, you don’t have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That’s how we buy them actually."
Holly: "Oh, I’m trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby’s chair and… that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that… is the story of me on the floor. It’s pretty good, right? You know, I’m gonna sell the movie rights."

[Assistant] Michael: And the sequel, “Woman Stands at Desk and Works.” So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that.


[User]
Holly: "[as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will."
Michael: "So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I’m not-I’m not… I’m not gonna be in town. I’m going out of town."
Holly: "Ohh, so you can’t make my orgy? Kidding!"

[Assistant] Michael: Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting!


[User]
Jim: "What’d you do?"
Michael: "I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know… not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point."
Jim: "Wow. Okay, so how’d that feel?"

[Assistant] Michael: It was hard. I wanted to kiss her.


[User]
Jim: "Wow. Okay, so how’d that feel?"
Michael: "It was hard. I wanted to kiss her."
Jim: "Oh, I’m so glad you didn’t."

[Assistant] Michael: Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base…


[User]
Toby: "[Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What’d you guys do?"
Michael: "Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don’t you go home, and come back for the party?"
Toby: "Well, we still have to do the exit interview."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes we do.


[User]
Holly: "[enters conference room] Hello."
Michael: "Hey! Hi, good to see you."
Holly: "You too."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m just having a little exit interview.


[User]
Holly: "You too."
Michael: "I’m just having a little exit interview."
Holly: "Yeah, I know, that’s why I’m here."

[Assistant] Michael: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don’t you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?


[User]
Holly: "Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?"
Michael: "Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I’ll take a little look-see."
Holly: "Here you go."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?


[User]
Toby: "This place, um…"
Michael: "Well, no no no no no…"
Toby: "I’ve got some ideas, I guess…"

[Assistant] Michael: No no no no no. I’m not asking it. I’m just reading it out loud.


[User]
Pam: "So what is your gift?"
Michael: "My gift is forthcoming, Pam."
Pam: "What is it?"

[Assistant] Michael: I am going to give Toby…


[User]
Pam: "What is it?"
Michael: "I am going to give Toby…"
Pam: "Your watch?"

[Assistant] Michael: …Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?


[User]
Pam: "Your watch?"
Michael: "…Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?"
Pam: "I just knew."

[Assistant] Michael: How did you know?


[User]
Holly: "Michael, are you okay?"
Michael: "[voice straining] I’m just worried about my friend."
Holly: "Oh, of course you are."

[Assistant] Michael: Just, I’m fine. I’m holding it together. I-I have a business to run.


[User]
Holly: "Oh, of course you are."
Michael: "Just, I’m fine. I’m holding it together. I-I have a business to run."
Holly: "No, hey."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m cool.


[User]
Holly: "No, hey."
Michael: "I’m cool."
Holly: "Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He’s your friend. You know what I usually find?…"

[Assistant] Michael: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I’m pretty sure she’s baked on a professional level.


[User]
Phyllis: "Kevin, take your shoes off first!"
Michael: "No antigravity machine, huh?"
Phyllis: "Sorry, Michael, I don’t think they’re real."

[Assistant] Michael: Ferris wheel’s pretty cool though.


[User]
Dwight: "[Mose drops cage and runs] Mose!"
Michael: "What the hell is going on here?!"
Dwight: "N-nothing you need to know the details of."

[Assistant] Michael: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!


[User]
Dwight: "N-nothing you need to know the details of."
Michael: "There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!"
Dwight: "N-no there’s not."

[Assistant] Michael: Why did you do that?


[User]
Dwight: "N-no there’s not."
Michael: "Why did you do that?"
Dwight: "It was playful hazing."

[Assistant] Michael: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right?


[User]
Pam: "[everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis!"
Michael: "Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter."
Pam: "Song parody writer."

[Assistant] Michael: I have done things like um, “Beers in Heaven.”


[User]
Pam: "I’m gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office."
Michael: "[singing] Goodbye Toby, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise…"
Pam: "Don’t tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute."

[Assistant] Michael: [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby’s goin’ away! See ya! He’s outta here! See ya! He’s outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!


[User]
Holly: "Not bad."
Michael: "Oh, hey. Thanks."
Holly: "Someday I would love to hear “Beers in Heaven.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It’s uh, it’s uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.


[User]
Kevin: "Yeah, Michael, I’m at Gerrity’s. You have to come down here."
Michael: "Just pay for it and we’ll reimburse you when you get back."
Kevin: "No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there’s something that you need to see."

[Assistant] Michael: What is it?


[User]
Holly: "Is he okay?"
Michael: "Yeah. He’s at the supermarket and he needs me."
Holly: "Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket… it’s a big day for him."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, that’s true. Don’t move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I’ll-okay, I’ll be back.


[User]
Jan: "Yeah, so…"
Michael: "O-kay. Hello Jan."
Jan: "Hello… Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, Kevin, really? We’re- [to Jan] Sorry. We’re in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here?


[User]
Jan: "Uh, no."
Michael: "Good. Good. Thank God."
Jan: "I didn’t…"

[Assistant] Michael: Cause that’s…


[User]
Jan: "I didn’t…"
Michael: "Cause that’s…"
Jan: "… touch that."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy…


[User]
Jan: "I went to a sperm bank."
Michael: "You did?"
Jan: "Yuh-huh."

[Assistant] Michael: When we were going out?


[User]
Jan: "Yuh-huh."
Michael: "When we were going out?"
Jan: "Uh, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: W-I don’t understand. You always used to be very cautious… I’d wear two condoms.


[User]
Jan: "Uh, yeah."
Michael: "W-I don’t understand. You always used to be very cautious… I’d wear two condoms."
Jan: "I know."

[Assistant] Michael: You’d rather have somebody else’s sperm than my sperm?


[User]
Jan: "Oh, that’s really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table."
Michael: "I’m glad you told me."
Jan: "Look, I don’t know what you’re gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um… you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner…"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, I’ll… I have to think about it.


[User]
Toby: "Thanks… [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael?"
Michael: "Sorry. Corporate policy."
Toby: "It’s not."

[Assistant] Michael: You might take something.


[User]
Toby: "Okay, okay, I’m going."
Michael: "Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it.  It’s very funny and charming and heartwarming.  And it rhymes, and if it’s not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp.  [laughs] No!  So, take it away, Toby!  Whoo!"
Toby: "Well, uh, okay. Um.  It’s really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight.  I’m gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I’m gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily]  Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where…"

[Assistant] Michael: Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music.


[User]
Toby: "I’m gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells ‘yeah!’, Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I’d love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas.  You know, it’s a, it’s a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh…"
Michael: "Blah, blah, blah, blah…"
Toby: "…building looked into…"

[Assistant] Michael: …blah, blah, overstaying your welcome!  Let’s keep it moving!  Let’s keep it moving!  Toby, everybody!


[User]
Jim: "Because most of the time, friends don’t talk about other friends’ butts."
Michael: "I know."
Jim: "But what have you learned about her?"

[Assistant] Michael: I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she’s allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read “Lonesome Dove” three times.


[User]
Jim: "Well, I tried. [Michael laughs]"
Michael: "[follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That’s insane."
Jim: "I’ll just go later."

[Assistant] Michael: I thought you had to pee.


[User]
Pam: "I should really get going."
Michael: "No. OK. Um, the last word is “seagulls.”"
Pam: "I’m sure it was really lovely."

[Assistant] Michael: I took a lot from other poems.


[User]
Pam: "Can you put me down I’m getting a little nauseous?"
Michael: "Pam, I’d like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day."
Pam: "The nerve."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, calm down, weirdo. It’s just a joke. She’s such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can’t find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?


[User]
Pam: "The nerve."
Michael: "Oh, calm down, weirdo. It’s just a joke. She’s such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can’t find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?"
Pam: "They’re on the supply shelf."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go.


[User]
Pam: "They’re on the supply shelf."
Michael: "Let’s go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go."
Pam: "New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city’s awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?"

[Assistant] Michael: OK, everybody, let’s suck in our guts.


[User]
Jim: "Maybe put up some shelves."
Michael: "Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don’t want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me."
Jim: "OK, thank you for … this."

[Assistant] Michael: You want more?


[User]
Ryan: "And you got a goatee!"
Michael: "I did!"
Ryan: "Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes.  Gooooo-tee!


[User]
Holly: "Eight point five.  I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt.  But he’s cute, right?"
Michael: "[groans painfully]"
Holly: "What’s wrong?"

[Assistant] Michael: [struggling to speak] Mmm— mmm…  Um…


[User]
Holly: "Dieting’s only half of it."
Michael: "Mmm-hmm.  Saunas."
Holly: "And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym."

[Assistant] Michael: Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]


[User]
Jan: "It’s like nothing’s happening."
Michael: "You’re…you know what?  I read in one of those books that you’re not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor."
Jan: "Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m digging.


[User]
Jan: "Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners."
Michael: "I really, I don’t want to get panty liners, please…"
Jan: "Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I…"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, it’s…


[User]
Holly: "What was the dilemma?"
Michael: "To tell you or not.  And I’m glad I did.  I feel very very good.  Cathartic.  I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble.  You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity."
Holly: "Oh— no no no."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, [interrupting gibberish].  Come on, anybody.  Let it fly.


[User]
Meredith: "Liaisons, you mean meet-ups?  I don’t know, once a month for six years.  Something like that."
Michael: "Meredith, why don’t you tell Holly… it’s not what she thinks.  Nothing unethical happened… and that you just like to sleep around."
Meredith: "Am I in trouble here or something?"

[Assistant] Michael: No… no, this is just a stupid formality.


[User]
Holly: "It’s Mike-raculous."
Michael: "Hoo-ooh!  Reaching!  You’ll get there.  Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there’s no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can’t, you know, just… sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out."
Holly: "Sounds good."

[Assistant] Michael: Good.  Would you care to bang it out over lunch?


[User]
Holly: "Sounds good."
Michael: "Good.  Would you care to bang it out over lunch?"
Holly: "Oh I already bought this…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh no, no, no.  Your food is no good here, my lady.  [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses]  Sorry!  You know what?  Let’s go out!  Dunder Mifflin’s treat.  Um, actually you’re not a client… so… we’ll just split it?  Ethical.


[User]
Holly: "Oh I already bought this…"
Michael: "Oh no, no, no.  Your food is no good here, my lady.  [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses]  Sorry!  You know what?  Let’s go out!  Dunder Mifflin’s treat.  Um, actually you’re not a client… so… we’ll just split it?  Ethical."
Holly: "So, I’ve gone over corporate policy."

[Assistant] Michael: What do you think?  What do you think of this place?


[User]
Holly: "So, I’ve gone over corporate policy."
Michael: "What do you think?  What do you think of this place?"
Holly: "Oh, it’s very nice."

[Assistant] Michael: Istn’t it?  Yeah, it’s kind of… business/romantic.  So you’re from Des Moines?


[User]
Holly: "In Summer."
Michael: "Here too.  You know what my favorite season is?"
Holly: "Maybe we should talk about Meredith first."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way.  Autumn was what I was going to say.  When the leaves change.  It’s just, I… I think it is the most contemplative of seasons.


[User]
Holly: "Maybe we should talk about Meredith first."
Michael: "Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way.  Autumn was what I was going to say.  When the leaves change.  It’s just, I… I think it is the most contemplative of seasons."
Holly: "Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don’t think there is any way I can write a report that doesn’t end with her being terminated."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, terminator, terminator.


[User]
Holly: "Well, that’s very sweet but we have to follow the protocol.  Those are the rules."
Michael: "Ok, new idea.  We don’t report it at all.  We just punish her."
Holly: "We punish her?"

[Assistant] Michael: Mmhmm, tell her she can’t have sex for six months.


[User]
Holly: "We punish her?"
Michael: "Mmhmm, tell her she can’t have sex for six months."
Holly: "I don’t think we could enforce that."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know.  I saw this thing, like a belt with a key.


[User]
Holly: "I don’t think we could enforce that."
Michael: "I don’t know.  I saw this thing, like a belt with a key."
Holly: "A chastity belt."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal.  You know what I am talking about.  You unlock a little door that… down… where you, where you put, where you put the…


[User]
Holly: "What am I saying?"
Michael: "Well… bleh busted.  I don’t…"
Holly: "I’m saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don’t think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family.


[User]
Holly: "I’m saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don’t think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated."
Michael: "Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family."
Holly: "It’s not a family.  It’s a workplace."

[Assistant] Michael: I will be honest with you.  That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault.  The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don’t want to take the elevator with her.  And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly’s leftovers in the trash]


[User]
Ryan: "Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too."
Michael: "What’s the only thing worse than one HR rep?"
Ryan: "Two HR reps."

[Assistant] Michael: You get me.


[User]
Meredith: "Hey, how did it go?"
Michael: "Oh, cr…, oh, God.  Meredith, you know what?  I just need a minute, okay?"
Meredith: "Okay. [remains sitting]"

[Assistant] Michael: What do you need?


[User]
Meredith: "Okay. [remains sitting]"
Michael: "What do you need?"
Meredith: "I’m getting fired, aren’t I?  I can’t get fired.  I got nothing else.  Nothing.  No skill set.  Can’t type, bad on the phone, not great with people."

[Assistant] Michael: I… really want to keep you.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael! My water’s breaking!"
Michael: "Oh, OK! OK!"
Dwight: "Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?"

[Assistant] Michael: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.


[User]
Dwight: "Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?"
Michael: "I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital."
Dwight: "Right. Highways or surface roads?"

[Assistant] Michael: I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.


[User]
Dwight: "Right. Highways or surface roads?"
Michael: "I take Quincy Ave to Gibson."
Dwight: "No, Gibson is covered in potholes.  Your car breaks down. Adapt!"

[Assistant] Michael: I checked the route – there are no potholes.  Come on, get in here and have the baby.


[User]
Dwight: "No, Gibson is covered in potholes.  Your car breaks down. Adapt!"
Michael: "I checked the route – there are no potholes.  Come on, get in here and have the baby."
Dwight: "It’s about adapting to the circumstances."

[Assistant] Michael: [annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?


[User]
Dwight: "No. OK, no.  I’m crowning!  I’m crowning!  Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael’s office]"
Michael: "All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry.  Sorry.  Here we go.  Here we go!"
Dwight: "The pressure!  The pressure!"

[Assistant] Michael: Do it! Do it!  Scream!  Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out.


[User]
Dwight: "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise.  Growing up, I performed my own circumcision."
Michael: "Just keep pushing…"
Dwight: "[lying on Michael’s desk] Hold me!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m right here.


[User]
Dwight: "[lying on Michael’s desk] Hold me!"
Michael: "I’m right here."
Dwight: "Cradle my head!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m right here, I’m right here.


[User]
Dwight: "Cradle my head!"
Michael: "I’m right here, I’m right here."
Dwight: "I’m screaming, I’m screaming, I’m screaming! Aaaaaaaa!"

[Assistant] Michael: [annoyed] All right.  Dwight.  Just push and breathe.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m screaming, I’m screaming, I’m screaming! Aaaaaaaa!"
Michael: "[annoyed] All right.  Dwight.  Just push and breathe."
Dwight: "Numb me up. I want anesthesia!"

[Assistant] Michael: Shhh. No, you can’t have it.  It’s too late.


[User]
Dwight: "Numb me up. I want anesthesia!"
Michael: "Shhh. No, you can’t have it.  It’s too late."
Dwight: "No! I don’t want natural!"

[Assistant] Michael: No.  You have to just push it out!


[User]
Dwight: "Do you have the Sharpie?!"
Michael: "Keep simulating."
Dwight: "Do you have the Sharpie?!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I do!


[User]
Jan: "Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-"
Michael: "I could have helped."
Jan: "And the birth instructor thought it wasn’t a good idea for you to be there, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.


[User]
Jan: "And the birth instructor thought it wasn’t a good idea for you to be there, so…"
Michael: "Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways."
Jan: "OK, you don’t have any idea what I’ve been through, so, let’s…"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I don’t!


[User]
Jan: "OK, you don’t have any idea what I’ve been through, so, let’s…"
Michael: "No, I don’t!"
Jan: "I’m sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet."

[Assistant] Michael: Can I hold her?


[User]
Jan: "I’m sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet."
Michael: "Can I hold her?"
Jan: "Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: [cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK.


[User]
Kevin: "Michael, the baby’s already been born."
Michael: "Uh, duh."
Kevin: "So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them."

[Assistant] Michael: No, the baby doesn’t ruin anything, Kevin, OK?  The baby multiplies the fun.  Let’s just do what you were going to do.


[User]
Kevin: "So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them."
Michael: "No, the baby doesn’t ruin anything, Kevin, OK?  The baby multiplies the fun.  Let’s just do what you were going to do."
Kevin: "OK…  Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, how about some presents?  I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes.


[User]
Jan: "You’re sad about this.  I know that, and I wish that I…  but…  would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?"
Michael: "[smiling] Uh, yeah."
Jan: "All right.  Um, I’m just going to lie down for a couple of minutes.  I’m exhausted, so um.  Remind me to talk to you about Astrid’s 529.  Wake me in twenty."

[Assistant] Michael: [voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt… shortchanged.


[User]
Darryl: "What’s up, Mike?"
Michael: "Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another."
Darryl: "You a baby daddy?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I a baby daddy.  Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby?  Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?


[User]
Darryl: "You a baby daddy?"
Michael: "Yeah, I a baby daddy.  Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby?  Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?"
Darryl: "Hell yeah.  You know why?  Because that was my baby."

[Assistant] Michael: I just saw this baby daddy-


[User]
Darryl: "Hell yeah.  You know why?  Because that was my baby."
Michael: "I just saw this baby daddy-"
Darryl: "You should stop calling yourself “baby daddy.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Why, Darryl, because I’m quote white quote unquote?


[User]
Darryl: "You feel connected to his baby over there?"
Michael: "It’s- that’s different."
Darryl: "You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s not a baby.


[User]
Darryl: "You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]"
Michael: "That’s not a baby."
Darryl: "You want to hold me, to see how you feel?"

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Could I?


[User]
Jan: "OK, you know what, I don’t think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I’m just going to get rid of all of that, so…"
Michael: "Seventeen.  I say seventeen squares."
Jan: "OK, give me the roll.  I’ll do it."

[Assistant] Michael: Do the boobs!


[User]
Holly: "It would help."
Michael: "I, uh… [to camera] I let her win."
Holly: "[to camera] No, he didn’t."

[Assistant] Michael: So, when, um, can I see you again?


[User]
Holly: "[gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can’t tonight."
Michael: "[concerned] Why?"
Holly: "I’m going out with you."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow… Oh, wait a second, I can’t tonight…


[User]
Holly: "I’m going out with you."
Michael: "Wow… Oh, wait a second, I can’t tonight…"
Holly: "[shakes head] No more."

[Assistant] Michael: Tonight’s so…


[User]
Holly: "[shakes head] No more."
Michael: "Tonight’s so…"
Holly: "No more."

[Assistant] Michael: Too many times. It’s all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day.


[User]
Holly: "No more."
Michael: "Too many times. It’s all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day."
Holly: "Thank you, you too."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re welcome.


[User]
Holly: "We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog."
Michael: "Some of what we order depends on whether we’re having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we’re going to have sex tonight?"
Holly: "…Hell yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then… then… then we can do… We’ll just do the restaurant thing first.


[User]
Holly: "…Hell yeah."
Michael: "Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then… then… then we can do… We’ll just do the restaurant thing first."
Holly: "Yeah, that’s good."

[Assistant] Michael: Probably get soup or something light.


[User]
Holly: "Yeah, lets go grab them."
Michael: "All right."
Holly: "Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom]"

[Assistant] Michael: Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]


[User]
Holly: "Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom]"
Michael: "Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]"
Holly: "I didn’t forget my keys, I just didn’t want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?"

[Assistant] Michael: Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can’t hear us at all.


[User]
Holly: "I didn’t forget my keys, I just didn’t want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?"
Michael: "Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can’t hear us at all."
Holly: "Oh, good."

[Assistant] Michael: We’re totally alone.


[User]
Holly: "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Michael: "Yeah. Oh… oh!"
Holly: "That wasn’t us, right? I mean… you remembered to lock the doors?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, did you?


[User]
Holly: "That wasn’t us, right? I mean… you remembered to lock the doors?"
Michael: "No, did you?"
Holly: "Michael I think this is our fault."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, no, my God.


[User]
Phyllis: "I think it’s a fun idea."
Michael: "Thank you."
Phyllis: "We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn’t get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?


[User]
Phyllis: "We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time."
Michael: "Okay, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn’t get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?"
Phyllis: "Move on, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let’s have an auction. Let’s do this. We’ll auction off people like in the olden days.


[User]
Kevin: "Hi, I’m Kevin. And I’ll do your taxes."
Michael: "Let’s hear an opening bid, everybody. Who’s first? Kevin do your taxes. He’s the tax man. Kevin the tax man."
Kevin: "Federal and State."

[Assistant] Michael: Federal and State. [no one bids]


[User]
Kevin: "Federal and State."
Michael: "Federal and State. [no one bids]"
Kevin: "Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage.


[User]
Holly: "Oh, look at all this stuff! It’s only seven hours."
Michael: "When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire."
Holly: "Michael is taking a personal day to move me up."

[Assistant] Michael: Road trip!  Right?


[User]
Holly: "Michael is taking a personal day to move me up."
Michael: "Road trip!  Right?"
Holly: "Breaker one-nine, copy?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again.


[User]
Holly: "Yeah it did look shorter on the map-"
Michael: "Ah! Ah! Ahhhh!  [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare."
Holly: "You were sleeping?  You were talking before."

[Assistant] Michael: Was I?  Really? Was I saying anything interesting?


[User]
Holly: "No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]"
Michael: "What’s the matter?"
Holly: "It’s not gonna work."

[Assistant] Michael: Sure it is.


[User]
Holly: "It’s not gonna work."
Michael: "Sure it is."
Holly: "There’s too much distance."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh no no no.. It’s gonna work, it’ll be fine.


[User]
Holly: "There’s too much distance."
Michael: "Oh no no no.. It’s gonna work, it’ll be fine."
Holly: "Michael we’ve only been dating each other for a few weeks"

[Assistant] Michael: Listen to me. I like you so much.


[User]
Holly: "Michael we’ve only been dating each other for a few weeks"
Michael: "Listen to me. I like you so much."
Holly: "And I like you too."

[Assistant] Michael: And I’ve dated four women in the last–


[User]
Holly: "And I like you too."
Michael: "And I’ve dated four women in the last–"
Holly: "I’ve dated four guys last year too."

[Assistant] Michael: Not last – no. In like the last ten years.


[User]
Holly: "Years?  Of just a few hours every weekend?"
Michael: "Here’s my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy."
Holly: "[kisses his temple] Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you’ve met me, and you are happy.


[User]
Darryl: "This is the last of it."
Michael: "Oh that’s mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck."
Darryl: "You’re not staying?"

[Assistant] Michael: You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I’ll just ride back with you.


[User]
Darryl: "You’re not staying?"
Michael: "You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I’ll just ride back with you."
Darryl: "But you want me to put it back in the truck."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?


[User]
Darryl: "Da  na na na na."
Michael: "Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "Da  na na na na."

[Assistant] Michael: Da  na na na na.


[User]
Darryl: "Da  na na na na."
Michael: "Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "No, wait. You’re, you’re supposed to… Never mind. Da  na na na na."

[Assistant] Michael: Da  na na na na.


[User]
Darryl: "No, wait. You’re, you’re supposed to… Never mind. Da  na na na na."
Michael: "Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "Da  na na na na."

[Assistant] Michael: Da  na na na na.


[User]
Darryl: "Da  na na na na."
Michael: "Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "Da  na na na na!!"

[Assistant] Michael: Da  na na na na!!


[User]
Darryl: "Da  na na na na!!"
Michael: "Da  na na na na!!"
Darryl: "Da  na na na na ."

[Assistant] Michael: [deeper] Da  na na na na.


[User]
Darryl: "Da  na na na na ."
Michael: "[deeper] Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "Yeah!  Da  na na na na."

[Assistant] Michael: [deeper] Da  na na na na.


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah!  Da  na na na na."
Michael: "[deeper] Da  na na na na."
Darryl: "YEAH! Da  na na na na."

[Assistant] Michael: [blues singer] Da  na na na na…


[User]
Darryl: "You gotta include me in the conversation."
Michael: "Fair enough."
Darryl: "If you don’t mind."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the ‘hood?


[User]
Darryl: "All right, I made it up."
Michael: "[visibly shocked] What? Why?"
Darryl: "Because I wanted you to like me."

[Assistant] Michael: [gasps] I do! Hey, come on!


[User]
Darryl: "[trying not to laugh] Okay."
Michael: "Jackson Five."
Darryl: "[makes sudden sharp turn to the left, causing DVD player to fall out open window, then grins to camera]"

[Assistant] Michael: [rubbing noses with Holly] You’re the one.


[User]
Holly: "No, you."
Michael: "You are."
Holly: "You are."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you are.


[User]
Darryl: "Oh, thanks. Thanks. No."
Michael: "Come on, it’ll be fun."
Darryl: "Thank you. Thank you. No."

[Assistant] Michael: [emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?


[User]
Holly: "No, Michael. I don’t….[mimicking Scooby-Doo] I’m gonna puke!"
Michael: "[laughs] I’ll save you! I’m Superman! Scooperman!"
Holly: "Darryl didn’t want any?"

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t ask.


[User]
Mother: "[on speakerphone] Hello?"
Michael: "Mom, I’m getting married."
Mother: "No, you’re not."

[Assistant] Michael: Why do you always do that? Whenever I’m getting married, you don’t believe me.


[User]
Mother: "Well, are you getting married?"
Michael: "No. [laughs]"
Mother: "Are you– [Michael ends call]"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not, I’m not getting married. So… [laughs] Psych.


[User]
Kelly: "So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I’m out $100."
Michael: "And I’m out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?"
Kelly: "Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and — oh. Oh, it’s the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What’s that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.


[User]
Dwight: "What does it say?"
Michael: "Dwight, your feedback is horrible."
Dwight: "That’s impossible."

[Assistant] Michael: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.


[User]
Dwight: "That’s impossible."
Michael: "A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful."
Dwight: "I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no, no.


[User]
Dwight: "I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]"
Michael: "No, no, no, no, no."
Dwight: "Wait, is this a joke? I’m getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes."

[Assistant] Michael: Do I look like I am joking?


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, is this a joke? I’m getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes."
Michael: "Do I look like I am joking?"
Dwight: "No, but that’s sometimes part of it."

[Assistant] Michael: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?


[User]
Dwight: "No, but that’s sometimes part of it."
Michael: "If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?"
Dwight: "Impossible to say. I can’t see myself."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re not.


[User]
Jim: "I think you mean smug"
Michael: "[points at Jim] Arrogance."
Jim: "Michael, I’m just trying to —"

[Assistant] Michael: And there’s our smudgeness.


[User]
Jim: "Now, you listen to me, sir."
Michael: "Here we go."
Jim: "The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult."

[Assistant] Michael: Give me the phone.


[User]
Jim: "Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?"
Michael: "Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager."
Jim: "Well, this is William M. Buttlicker."

[Assistant] Michael: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?


[User]
Kelly: "I love your tie, Michael."
Michael: "[looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly."
Kelly: "I was raped."

[Assistant] Michael: You cannot say “I was raped” and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don’t keep doing that. I’ll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.


[User]
Kelly: "See? I wasn’t lying."
Michael: "You were lying."
Kelly: "I was lying."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.


[User]
David Wallace: "[on speakerphone] Do you have your passport?"
Michael: "I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket]"
David Wallace: "Got your per diem?"

[Assistant] Michael: I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on.  I am going to buy a sweater.


[User]
David Wallace: "Got your per diem?"
Michael: "I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on.  I am going to buy a sweater."
David Wallace: "Michael, the… that’s for your food."

[Assistant] Michael: Well I’ll just… I’ll use different money for that.


[User]
David Wallace: "Michael, the… that’s for your food."
Michael: "Well I’ll just… I’ll use different money for that."
David Wallace: "I was happy to send Michael on this trip.  He’s been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire.  But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it’s pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November."

[Assistant] Michael: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best.  Actually better than a five-star hotel ’cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine.  I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce.


[User]
David Wallace: "I was happy to send Michael on this trip.  He’s been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire.  But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it’s pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November."
Michael: "And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best.  Actually better than a five-star hotel ’cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine.  I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce."
David Wallace: "Well, I’m just glad to know you’re happy because you know I felt bad."

[Assistant] Michael: Well that is all in the past.


[User]
David Wallace: "Well, I’m just glad to know you’re happy because you know I felt bad."
Michael: "Well that is all in the past."
David Wallace: "And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge."

[Assistant] Michael: They have one of those?


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, why do you need three suitcases?"
Michael: "Two are for souvenirs."
Dwight: "Do you have your money belt?"

[Assistant] Michael: I do. It’s right here. [indicates to waist]


[User]
Dwight: "Do you have your money belt?"
Michael: "I do. It’s right here. [indicates to waist]"
Dwight: "No, no, no, no, no.  You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates]"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I don’t want to wear a bra.


[User]
Dwight: "No, no, no, no, no.  You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates]"
Michael: "No, I don’t want to wear a bra."
Dwight: "Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael’s money belt]"

[Assistant] Michael: Stop it! Stop it!


[User]
Dwight: "Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael’s money belt]"
Michael: "Stop it! Stop it!"
Dwight: "Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay.  Where is my translator?


[User]
Meredith: "It’s just a van."
Michael: "Its not just a van."
Meredith: "Look, I know my way around a van.  That is just a van."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, can you get those please?


[User]
Andy: "Ah… sweet!"
Michael: "Handed to me as I sat down.  This was my hot towel.  It is still wet."
Andy: "Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!"

[Assistant] Michael: Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa]


[User]
Andy: "For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine]"
Michael: "Oh, thank you."
Andy: "You’re welcome."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you, Andy.


[User]
David Wallace: "[on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale."
Michael: "Yeah, we locked him up for two years."
David Wallace: "Good, very good.  See, told you.  Sounds like somebody had a good trip."

[Assistant] Michael: No. Actually the trip sucked.


[User]
David Wallace: "Good, very good.  See, told you.  Sounds like somebody had a good trip."
Michael: "No. Actually the trip sucked."
David Wallace: "Excuse me?"

[Assistant] Michael: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip.


[User]
David Wallace: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip."
David Wallace: "What are you talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van.


[User]
David Wallace: "The hotel? What, M— okay."
Michael: "It was not, it sucked."
David Wallace: "I’m sorry to hear the hotel was bad."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige.  That was great.  That was great.  That was— that was a—


[User]
Kelly: "Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby."
Michael: "Yeah why don’t you send that to him in Costa Rica?"
Kelly: "Um, I’m just gonna hand it to him right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Heh, okay, weirdo.


[User]
Jim: "Why is that, why is that weird?"
Michael: "She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing]"
Jim: "[laughing] She’s probably going to, cause they sit next to each other."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, they used to.


[User]
Jim: "[laughing] She’s probably going to, cause they sit next to each other."
Michael: "Yeah, they used to."
Jim: "Toby works here again."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, can you imagine?


[User]
Jim: "You don’t know."
Michael: "I don’t know.  What?"
Jim: "You should probably just meander back there; take a look.  See if he’s, see if he’s back."

[Assistant] Michael: Hmmm, dare I? [laughs]  You know what? I’m going to, for old time’s sake.  [walks to the annex, standing in Toby’s cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby]


[User]
David: "Michael, is everyone okay?"
Michael: "Uh, well I’m afraid not.  Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance."
David: "I don’t understand, is anyone hurt?"

[Assistant] Michael: Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David.


[User]
David: "All in caps.  Do you know what 911 means?"
Michael: "I learned a while back that if I don’t text 911 people will not return my calls.   Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened."
David: "Now what I’m curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there."

[Assistant] Michael: I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved.


[User]
Toby: "Well thanks Michael."
Michael: "You’re welcome.  Missed you.  Missed you as part of our family."
Toby: "Well that’s sweet, I missed you guys too."

[Assistant] Michael: So Costa Rica that was – did you have fun?  That must have been fun.


[User]
Toby: "Well that’s sweet, I missed you guys too."
Michael: "So Costa Rica that was – did you have fun?  That must have been fun."
Toby: "Well, um, it was amazing.  It really was, thanks for asking.  Um the beaches were pristine…"

[Assistant] Michael: Nice beaches, pristine beaches?


[User]
Toby: "Well, um, it was amazing.  It really was, thanks for asking.  Um the beaches were pristine…"
Michael: "Nice beaches, pristine beaches?"
Toby: "…and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic."

[Assistant] Michael: Why’d you come back?  Why didn’t you stay?


[User]
Toby: "…and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic."
Michael: "Why’d you come back?  Why didn’t you stay?"
Toby: "It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found."

[Assistant] Michael: I bet, for you.


[User]
Toby: "It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found."
Michael: "I bet, for you."
Toby: "And uh, yeah, plus it was hot."

[Assistant] Michael: [shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn’t you get an air-condition— should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself.


[User]
Toby: "And uh, yeah, plus it was hot."
Michael: "[shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn’t you get an air-condition— should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself."
Toby: "Are you all right, Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I am.  I am.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay, fireable offenses include:"
Michael: "That’s it, that’s it, perfect.  We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act."
Dwight: "I love catching people in the act.  That’s why I always whip open doors."

[Assistant] Michael: Mm.  Me too.  Okay, let’s get this started.


[User]
Dwight: "I love catching people in the act.  That’s why I always whip open doors."
Michael: "Mm.  Me too.  Okay, let’s get this started."
Dwight: "Okay [stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie]"

[Assistant] Michael: What are you doing?


[User]
Dwight: "[removes glasses] I am the bait."
Michael: "For what?"
Dwight: "Men find me desirable."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no.


[User]
Dwight: "Men find me desirable."
Michael: "No, no, no."
Dwight: "Oh, it’s a good day too. I’m wearing my mustard shirt."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re the bait for Toby?


[User]
Jim: "[laughs and swings his arm out which doesn’t come close to touching the reception desk] I’m always this close."
Michael: "Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah.  Hello, Pam.  Jim may I have a moment with Pam please."
Jim: "Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, oooh his mistress.  No. I’m kidding.  No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam.


[User]
Ryan: "[kisses for a little longer]  What’s up?"
Michael: "Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?"
Ryan: "Yeah, yeah I’ll see them."

[Assistant] Michael: Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What’s the matter?  What’s the matter? You scared?


[User]
Dwight: "Those are fighting words."
Michael: "You mad? You mad at me?"
Dwight: "I hope he doesn’t haul off and just hit you."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want to do that?  You want to hit me, you want to punch me?


[User]
Dwight: "Ryan.  Come on, man?"
Michael: "No do it, do it.  I dare you."
Dwight: "Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face."

[Assistant] Michael: Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch.  Come on! Come oooon…


[User]
Dwight: "I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day"
Michael: "[mouth full of brownie] Just stop it.  You haven’t done anything helpful all day."
Dwight: "There’s still one thing we could do to get Toby fired."

[Assistant] Michael: What’s that?


[User]
Dwight: "[goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs."
Michael: "Frame him?"
Dwight: "Yeah, it’s illegal, but… everything they do on The Shield is illegal."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve never framed a man before, have you?


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah, it’s illegal, but… everything they do on The Shield is illegal."
Michael: "I’ve never framed a man before, have you?"
Dwight: "Oh I’ve framed animals before.  I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.  And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage."

[Assistant] Michael: Just seems awfully mean.  But sometimes the ends justify the mean.


[User]
Toby: "Oh my God!"
Michael: "No, no no no… No, no."
Toby: "That was… I went to Costa Rica for a few months.  What is going on?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, that was… that was legitimate.  That was totally legitimate.


[User]
Toby: "Did you?"
Michael: "Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad… anywhere."
Toby: "You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you kidding me?  Are you kidding me, that’s who you’re worried about?  You’re… you’re worried about the cop’s time?  You think I framed you, and you’re worried about the taxpayer?  Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.


[User]
Toby: "I did leave."
Michael: "Yes, you did.  And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of… history."
Toby: "Well, I don’t see it that way."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want to hear a lie?


[User]
Oscar: "You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300."
Michael: "Mmhmm, okay."
Oscar: "But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year’s budget."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t you explain this to me like I’m five.


[User]
Oscar: "So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer…"
Michael: "I’ll be six."
Oscar: "And you ask them for money, they’re gonna give you nine dollars. ‘Cause that’s what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand."

[Assistant] Michael: So the dollar’s a surplus. This is a surplus.


[User]
Oscar: "And you ask them for money, they’re gonna give you nine dollars. ‘Cause that’s what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand."
Michael: "So the dollar’s a surplus. This is a surplus."
Oscar: "We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it’ll be deducted from next year’s budget."

[Assistant] Michael: [whistles poorly] Whoo.


[User]
Oscar: "We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it’ll be deducted from next year’s budget."
Michael: "[whistles poorly] Whoo."
Oscar: "We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um… okay, I-I think I’m getting you…


[User]
Jim: "Let’s go."
Michael: "Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
Jim: "Let’s do it."

[Assistant] Michael: All right! Cool!


[User]
Jim: "Let’s do it."
Michael: "All right! Cool!"
Jim: "Where we going?"

[Assistant] Michael: I have no idea.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, that must’ve been so fun."
Michael: "it was fun. We had a good time."
Pam: "Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, thank you.


[User]
Pam: "Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?"
Michael: "Oh, thank you."
Pam: "Yeah, is that a new tie?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, no, not… no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, is that a new tie?"
Michael: "Um, no, not… no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars."
Pam: "That is amazing!"

[Assistant] Michael: You think that’s good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars.


[User]
Pam: "[applauding] No way!"
Michael: "Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh."
Pam: "Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes they were.


[User]
Pam: "All right, see you later…"
Michael: "See ya."
Pam: "Hot tie guy."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Hahaha!… well…


[User]
Pam: "There’s that ass!"
Michael: "Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!"
Pam: "Woo! Yeah. Aw, don’t take it away!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh… ah, I almost choked.


[User]
Hank: "So what are we talking about?"
Michael: "Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-"
Hank: "I know what a surplus is."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here’s the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs.


[User]
Hank: "I know what a surplus is."
Michael: "Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here’s the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs."
Hank: "Is that the copier?"

[Assistant] Michael: It is, yes.


[User]
Hank: "Hmm, not much lumbar support."
Michael: "Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party."
Hank: "On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do."

[Assistant] Michael: So, the copier.


[User]
Hank: "On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do."
Michael: "So, the copier."
Hank: "Well, let me finish."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, yes.


[User]
Hank: "Well, let me finish."
Michael: "All right, yes."
Hank: "Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, what should I do?


[User]
Hank: "Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair."
Michael: "Well, what should I do?"
Hank: "…Let me see the copier again."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, get out. Get out.


[User]
David: "[on speakerphone] Michael."
Michael: "Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I’m stopping now."
David: "Is this why you’re calling me?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I’m calling- [coughs again] I’m sorry.


[User]
David: "You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?"
Michael: "No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I’m not the bad guy."
David: "Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus."

[Assistant] Michael: The what now?


[User]
David: "Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus."
Michael: "The what now?"
David: "Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings."

[Assistant] Michael: …Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!


[User]
Jim: "[on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday… Okay? Sure, no, I can… I’ll double-check that for you."
Michael: "All right, attention everyone."
Jim: "Let me call you right back. Okay."

[Assistant] Michael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier… is… [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly.


[User]
Oscar: "That’s the original."
Michael: "Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam’s chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct… it’s a good chair. I think we’re spoiled because we don’t appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers?  [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don’t have copiers. They don’t even- [struggles to get up from Pam’s chair] Gah! They don’t even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing."
Oscar: "Do you know?"

[Assistant] Michael: Do I know what?


[User]
Jim: "Ah… would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?"
Michael: "No, no. I celebrate privately."
Jim: "That’s cool."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t we just do it now? We’ll do it quickly.


[User]
Meredith: "I am fine."
Michael: "Was John Belushi fine?  Was Bob Hope fine?  Hey– come here.  If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do."
Meredith: "I know I drink. I like to party"

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to say I’m an alcoholic.


[User]
Meredith: "I know I drink. I like to party"
Michael: "I want you to say I’m an alcoholic."
Meredith: "I am not an alcoholic!"

[Assistant] Michael: You can say it as loudly as you want, but we’re not going to believe you.


[User]
Meredith: "We just missed Poor Richards."
Michael: "We did?"
Meredith: "Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, shoot.  Oh well, we’ll have to go someplace else then I guess.


[User]
Meredith: "Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?"
Michael: "Oh, shoot.  Oh well, we’ll have to go someplace else then I guess."
Meredith: "The Bog? Cooper’s, Kelly’s…"

[Assistant] Michael: We could go there, sure.


[User]
Meredith: "…Brixx’s, Carmen’s…"
Michael: "Yes, yes."
Meredith: "…The Fort, Andy Gavin’s."

[Assistant] Michael: I have a new place.


[User]
Meredith: "…The Fort, Andy Gavin’s."
Michael: "I have a new place."
Meredith: "Well, it must have just opened up."

[Assistant] Michael: It– yep, recently.


[User]
Meredith: "Yeah… all right."
Michael: "All right."
Meredith: "Enough of this Christmas crap.  Let’s get some party music. [changes radio station]  Yeah!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, oh there you go.


[User]
Meredith: "Sunrise Rehab?  No! No! No!  I told you no! There is no way!"
Michael: "It’s okay. It’s all right."
Meredith: "No way!  There is no way! No way!"

[Assistant] Michael: Meredith, we are doing this for your own good.  Okay. Come on–


[User]
Meredith: "No way!  There is no way! No way!"
Michael: "Meredith, we are doing this for your own good.  Okay. Come on–"
Meredith: "No way!  No way!  There is no way!"

[Assistant] Michael: Here we go. This is gonna be good.


[User]
Meredith: "No way!  No way!  There is no way!"
Michael: "Here we go. This is gonna be good."
Meredith: "No! No way! I told you. We talked about this.  There is absolutely no way.  No!  No! There is no way!  No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car]


[User]
Meredith: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!"
Michael: "Shhh… just calm down."
Meredith: "[runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!  No! No!"

[Assistant] Michael: [chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh…


[User]
Meredith: "[runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!  No! No!"
Michael: "[chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh…"
Meredith: "No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!"

[Assistant] Michael: Here’s the door. Here’s the door.


[User]
Meredith: "No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!"
Michael: "Here’s the door. Here’s the door."
Meredith: "There is no way!  There is no way! No! No!"

[Assistant] Michael: [dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let’s start meeting– Hello. How are you?