[User]
Creed: "Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?"
Michael: "Just trying to be your friend."
Creed: "Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all."

[Assistant] Michael: Of course, I did. I always… Yes, I do.


[User]
Creed: "Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all."
Michael: "Of course, I did. I always… Yes, I do."
Creed: "Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?"

[Assistant] Michael: Are you pulling my leg or…


[User]
Jan: "[on the phone] This is Jan."
Michael: "His name was Devon."
Jan: "Excuse me?"

[Assistant] Michael: The human being man’s name was Devon.


[User]
Jan: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "The human being man’s name was Devon."
Jan: "Devon. The… Oh, is this the man that you…"

[Assistant] Michael: [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes.


[User]
Jan: "Devon. The… Oh, is this the man that you…"
Michael: "[talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes."
Jan: "The person that you fired, Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, it is.


[User]
Jan: "The person that you fired, Michael?"
Michael: "Yes, it is."
Jan: "Is that what you’re… Okay. Oh, you sound a little… A little upset."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined.


[User]
Jan: "Is that what you’re… Okay. Oh, you sound a little… A little upset."
Michael: "Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined."
Jan: "Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know… I know how hard that was."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you? I don’t think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me.


[User]
Jan: "Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know… I know how hard that was."
Michael: "Do you? I don’t think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me."
Jan: "Well, I’m glad you did it, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: [talking over Jan] You’re glad?


[User]
Jan: "Well, I’m glad you did it, Michael."
Michael: "[talking over Jan] You’re glad?"
Jan: "And so, good job. Good job."

[Assistant] Michael: Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?


[User]
Jan: "And so, good job. Good job."
Michael: "Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?"
Jan: "Yeah. Good job."

[Assistant] Michael: [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I’m gonna give myself a pat on the back.


[User]
Jan: "Yeah. Good job."
Michael: "[talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I’m gonna give myself a pat on the back."
Jan: "[talking over Michael] Yup. Yes."

[Assistant] Michael: There. I’m doing it. Right there. Great.


[User]
Ryan: "Did you ask me here for any specific reason?"
Michael: "Uhh, yes, I did, here’s the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information."
Ryan: "Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael’s office]"

[Assistant] Michael: [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.


[User]
Pam: "Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign."
Michael: "Yes, thank you. I know where to sign."
Pam: "It’s just last year you…"

[Assistant] Michael: Last year they were out of order, weren’t they Pam?


[User]
Pam: "It’s just last year you…"
Michael: "Last year they were out of order, weren’t they Pam?"
Pam: "Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier."

[Assistant] Michael: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That’s pretty good. Um, actually, I’m sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.


[User]
Jim: "Well, Dwight’s a purple belt, so…"
Michael: "So? I’ve beaten up black belts."
Jim: "Uh, how did you know they were black belts?"

[Assistant] Michael: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I’m just lucky I got out.


[User]
Jim: "I can’t. I just got a manicure."
Michael: "Oh, queer… [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That’s a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it."
Jim: "Just have Dwight punch you."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year’s Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight."
Michael: "Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?"
Dwight: "Ok, I’ll punch you."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.


[User]
Pam: "I just have a quick question."
Michael: "I haven’t signed them, ok?"
Pam: "No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?"

[Assistant] Michael: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.


[User]
Pam: "No, it’s not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?"
Michael: "Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough."
Pam: "He’s a purple belt. That’s really high."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That’s ridiculous. I could murder him.


[User]
Pam: "He’s a purple belt. That’s really high."
Michael: "Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That’s ridiculous. I could murder him."
Pam: "It’s just out there, you…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, so that’s what they are saying?


[User]
Dwight: "I didn’t sucker punch you, Michael."
Michael: "No, Really?"
Dwight: "In case you remember, I was defending my honor… like a samurai."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.


[User]
Dwight: "In case you remember, I was defending my honor… like a samurai."
Michael: "Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22."
Dwight: "Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!"

[Assistant] Michael: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches:


[User]
Dwight: "Eat it!"
Michael: "Alright, that’s the way you want it."
Dwight: "Two more."

[Assistant] Michael: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.


[User]
Ira: "No points for pants."
Michael: "Dwight, you have… No, you have something… God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]"
Ira: "Clean single kick, gentlemen."

[Assistant] Michael: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.


[User]
Dwight: "No holding."
Michael: "You can’t see. You can’t see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]"
Dwight: "No, stop it! Come on! Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Open your mouth.


[User]
Dwight: "No, stop it! Come on! Michael."
Michael: "Open your mouth."
Dwight: "No, Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? “Raging Bull.” Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work… Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This’ll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn’t pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we’re playing phone tag.


[User]
Ryan: "I have the emergency contacts."
Michael: "Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I’ll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?"
Ryan: "Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably."

[Assistant] Michael: If you’re doing anything crazy, give me a shout.


[User]
Dwight: "Of course."
Michael: "And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager."
Dwight: "Michael, I don’t know…"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn’t be offering it if I didn’t think you could handle it.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I don’t know…"
Michael: "I know, I know, I know, I wouldn’t be offering it if I didn’t think you could handle it."
Dwight: "I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, title change only.


[User]
Dwight: "I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office."
Michael: "No, no, title change only."
Dwight: "I’ll have Pam send out a memo."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let’s not tell anybody about this right now.


[User]
Dwight: "I’ll have Pam send out a memo."
Michael: "No, no. Three month probationary period. Let’s not tell anybody about this right now."
Dwight: "Just a formality."

[Assistant] Michael: Absolutely but not really.


[User]
Dwight: "Just a formality."
Michael: "Absolutely but not really."
Dwight: "Michael, I have so much to learn from you."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes you do.


[User]
Dwight: "You just said it. You just said it."
Michael: "No, that’s not how I meant it."
Dwight: "Die. You just… You said it."

[Assistant] Michael: Shut up, Dwight.


[User]
Master: "You’re gonna have to take them off. It’s a sign of respect."
Michael: "Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin’. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]"
Master: "Here’s your gear. Please put this on."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?


[User]
Stanley: "Hi, Michael."
Michael: "Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn’t much of a fight, actually."
Stanley: "No. Are those purchase orders signed?"

[Assistant] Michael: I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him.


[User]
Stanley: "No. Are those purchase orders signed?"
Michael: "I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him."
Stanley: "Huh? What?"

[Assistant] Michael: I went medieval on his heinie.


[User]
Stanley: "Huh? What?"
Michael: "I went medieval on his heinie."
Stanley: "Are those purchase orders signed?"

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, Stanley. I don’t tell you how to do your job, do I? He…


[User]
Stanley: "Are those purchase orders signed?"
Michael: "Hey, Stanley. I don’t tell you how to do your job, do I? He…"
Stanley: "Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don’t get these purchase orders…"

[Assistant] Michael: Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That’s not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay.


[User]
Pam: "This is what you had Ryan do."
Michael: "Yes, under my tutelage."
Pam: "Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?"

[Assistant] Michael: If you didn’t badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now.


[User]
Jan: "So when we get to the Radisson, I’d like to, um-"
Michael: "I changed it.  To Chili’s."
Jan: "Excuse me?"

[Assistant] Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, “Oh, I’m doing business at the Radisson”.  It’s kind of snooty.  So.


[User]
Jan: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "Radisson just gives out this vibe, “Oh, I’m doing business at the Radisson”.  It’s kind of snooty.  So."
Jan: "You had no right to do that, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Here’s the thing. Chili’s is the new golf course.  It’s where business happens.  Small Businessman Magazine.


[User]
Jan: "You had no right to do that, Michael."
Michael: "Here’s the thing. Chili’s is the new golf course.  It’s where business happens.  Small Businessman Magazine."
Jan: "It said that."

[Assistant] Michael: It will.  I sent it in.  Letter to the editor.


[User]
Jan: "It said that."
Michael: "It will.  I sent it in.  Letter to the editor."
Jan: "Alright.  But you will let me run this meeting."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip.


[User]
Jan: "Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?"
Michael: "No, no.  That would not be efficient.  Actually, they just don’t get very much work done when I’m not here.  [Jan stares at Michael] That’s not true.  I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I’m not here.  Not more.  The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare]  Hey, everybody, listen up.  This is what we’re gonna do.  You sit tight, until I return.  Sound good?  Doesn’t matter, it’s an order.  Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok?  Alright, ciao.  [to Oscar] Adios!"
Jan: "So which way is Chili’s?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, I’ll drive.


[User]
Jan: "So which way is Chili’s?"
Michael: "Uh, I’ll drive."
Jan: "Oh, no, that’s alright.  I wanna leave straight from there."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s just a couple blocks away, so… boy, you really don’t know Scranton, do you?


[User]
Jan: "Why would we need a signal?"
Michael: "Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-"
Jan: "What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I… it could be either of us.


[User]
Jan: "Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I’m so sorry.  Excuse me."
Michael: "Wow, you’re kidding me!  Do you wanna talk about?"
Jan: "Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?"

[Assistant] Michael: When did this happen?


[User]
Christian: "That’s right."
Michael: "You know?"
Christian: "You were really brave!  You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s true.


[User]
Christian: "Right down the street?"
Michael: "Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised.  Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin’.  I know this place.  I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have.  It’s home, you know?  I know the challenges this county’s up against.  Here’s the thing about those discount suppliers.  They don’t care.  They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we’re all gone, they jack up the prices."
Christian: "I know."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s bad.


[User]
Christian: "I know."
Michael: "It’s bad."
Christian: "It’s terrible."

[Assistant] Michael: It, you know what, it really is.


[User]
Jan: "Bye… thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!"
Michael: "We did it!"
Jan: "We got it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Nailed it.  Nailed it!  Come here.


[User]
Dwight: "Jan Levinson-Gould."
Michael: "Uh, no, no, no Gould."
Dwight: "Did you do her?"

[Assistant] Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-


[User]
Dwight: "Did you do her?"
Michael: "This is none of your affair because she is your boss-"
Dwight: "And she is your boss."

[Assistant] Michael: And she is a woman.  She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.  And you know what?  I don’t think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera]  Jan, I defend your honor.  [to Dwight]  Is that all?


[User]
Jan: "What do you mean?"
Michael: "Uh, I have a pajama party.  At the Playboy Mansion.  With the bunnies."
Jan: "Michael.  I need you to take this seriously."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t get out of it!


[User]
Jan: "Are you hearing me?"
Michael: "I’m hearing you, meeting confirmed."
Jan: "This is a very important-"

[Assistant] Michael: Meeting confirmed.  Would you like your confirmation number?  Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once.


[User]
Pam: "It’s performance review day, company-wide.  Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds.  So, I don’t really know what to expect."
Michael: "Pam, you’re trustworthy-"
Pam: "Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: And a woman-


[User]
Pam: "Thank you."
Michael: "And a woman-"
Pam: "Oh, no."

[Assistant] Michael: And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] “Michael, it’s Jan. I guess I missed you.  I’ll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews.  I hope it’s understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.”  First impressions?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, no."
Michael: "And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] “Michael, it’s Jan. I guess I missed you.  I’ll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews.  I hope it’s understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.”  First impressions?"
Pam: "Uh, just off the top… I think she’ll be here this afternoon."

[Assistant] Michael: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced.  Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we’ll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing.  We just sort of got caught up in the moment.  The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager.  Just, uh, she didn’t want it to continue for some reason.  It, we both, I didn’t want it, we both didn’t want it to continue.  Was not professional.  Um, when people say something’s mutual, it never is.  But this was mutual.


[User]
Pam: "She missed you."
Michael: "But then she goes on to say “that will be our only topic of discussion”.  That doesn’t mean anything, those are just words."
Pam: "I have one idea of what it means."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. Yeah, what, what?


[User]
Pam: "I have one idea of what it means."
Michael: "Ok. Yeah, what, what?"
Pam: "Well I don’t think you’re gonna be very happy with this."

[Assistant] Michael: Ohhh, great.  Well, now I’m in a terrible mood.  Let’s do your performance review-


[User]
Pam: "Well I don’t think you’re gonna be very happy with this."
Michael: "Ohhh, great.  Well, now I’m in a terrible mood.  Let’s do your performance review-"
Pam: "Because she’s conflicted.  She has to be professional, but she’s fighting feelings… for you."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, why, that’s great news?   That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?


[User]
Pam: "Because she’s conflicted.  She has to be professional, but she’s fighting feelings… for you."
Michael: "Ah, why, that’s great news?   That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?"
Pam: "Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, wow, wow.  Alright, let’s listen to that again. [plays Jan’s message] “Michael, it’s Jan.  I guess I missed you”.


[User]
Jan: "I am returning your many calls."
Michael: "Well, hello to you, too.  Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili’s."
Jan: "No. No, we won’t be discussing that, Michael.  The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili’s.


[User]
Jan: "I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior."
Michael: "Been thinking about you."
Jan: "Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior."

[Assistant] Michael: Um, I don’t see how that’s unprofessional. Just-


[User]
Pam: "What suggestion box?"
Michael: "The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously?  Maybe there’s prizes?"
Pam: "Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t you find it and tell people to get theirs… never mind, I’ll tell them.  Hello, everybody?  Yeah, uh, attention, please.  Jan Levinson’s coming, very soon, and so, we’re going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.


[User]
Jan: "I’m good; how are you?"
Michael: "Good to see you."
Jan: "Nice to see you."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. [tries to kiss Jan’s hand] Ok, why don’t we just step into my office?  We’re gonna go in here.


[User]
Jan: "Nice to see you."
Michael: "Ok. [tries to kiss Jan’s hand] Ok, why don’t we just step into my office?  We’re gonna go in here."
Jan: "Can we please go in your office?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yep, right after you.  Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, it’s time for the suggestion box meeting."
Michael: "I’m kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn’t interrupt."
Pam: "You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here."

[Assistant] Michael: I did not, not, not use those words.


[User]
Dwight: "Next suggestion."
Michael: "Arrr, dooby dooby do. “You need to do something about your B.O.”"
Dwight: "You need to do something about your B.O."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, I don’t know who this suggestion is meant for, but it’s more of a personal suggestion and it’s not an office suggestion.  Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.


[User]
Angela: "Sometimes you talk to us real close."
Michael: "Yeah, is that hard for you?  Alright, well-"
Angela: "Well, when you have coffee breath-"

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll work on that-


[User]
Angela: "Well, when you have coffee breath-"
Michael: "I’ll work on that-"
Angela: "It’s hard."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s keep going.  Keep it going.  Yep.  What do we have here?  We have somebody’s piece of gum.  Somebody put a piece of gum in there.  This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company.  This is not a place for gum.  I don’t wanna have to read these tomorrow.


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?"
Michael: "Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion."
Dwight: "Next suggestion."

[Assistant] Michael: “Don’t sl-“, ok, that’s blank [Dwight picks up note] Don’t, just put it-


[User]
Jan: "I can’t, I can’t-"
Michael: "I don’t understand why you’re so upset."
Jan: "Please sit down."

[Assistant] Michael: Let me ask you-


[User]
Jan: "Please sit down."
Michael: "Let me ask you-"
Jan: "You’re gonna sit here and I’m gonna go sit over there."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, let me ask you this.


[User]
Jan: "You’re gonna sit here and I’m gonna go sit over there."
Michael: "Ok, let me ask you this."
Jan: "Please, sit yourself down."

[Assistant] Michael: Let me ask you something.


[User]
Jan: "Please, sit yourself down."
Michael: "Let me ask you something."
Jan: "What, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Where did you get your outfit?


[User]
Dwight: "I’d also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace."
Michael: "Ok, third wheel, why don’t you do that?"
Dwight: "For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office."

[Assistant] Michael: That was deer!? Gross, oh!


[User]
Dwight: "For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office."
Michael: "That was deer!? Gross, oh!"
Dwight: "You liked it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, did not!


[User]
Jan: "Michael, now is not the time or the place."
Michael: "Ok, so you’re saying that there is a different time or place?"
Jan: "No, I am saying we are never having this conversation."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, ok, well never as in ‘never ever ever’, or never as in there’s still a chance?


[User]
Jan: "No, I am saying we are never having this conversation."
Michael: "Well, ok, well never as in ‘never ever ever’, or never as in there’s still a chance?"
Jan: "Never, for me, always means ‘never ever ever.’"

[Assistant] Michael: I just want to know, from the horse’s mouth, what is the dealio?


[User]
Jan: "Never, for me, always means ‘never ever ever.’"
Michael: "I just want to know, from the horse’s mouth, what is the dealio?"
Jan: "Michael, it has nothing-"

[Assistant] Michael: Am I too short?


[User]
Jan: "Really.  You’re, you’re, you’re a great guy, ok?"
Michael: "I appreciate that, thank you."
Jan: "And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I wasn’t, I didn’t cry-


[User]
Jan: "And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-"
Michael: "No, I wasn’t, I didn’t cry-"
Jan: "At this time in my life.  I just am not in the place right now where I’m looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but… ok?"

[Assistant] Michael: So my looks have nothing to do with it?


[User]
Jan: "At this time in my life.  I just am not in the place right now where I’m looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but… ok?"
Michael: "So my looks have nothing to do with it?"
Jan: "Ohhh, God."

[Assistant] Michael: Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now.  And it doesn’t matter how great a guy I am.  And that is all I needed; I’m good.  I can go home now.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, I don’t know what to say."
Michael: "Um, you’re in accounting…"
Oscar: "Yes, I’m in accounting and I’m sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit."

[Assistant] Michael: So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I’m a big believer in people being here more.


[User]
Jim: "So, that’s… It’s great."
Michael: "Yes, it is."
Jim: "Yeah. You have fun?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I did.


[User]
Jim: "Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly?"
Michael: "Um, yup, wait, yes."
Jim: "Pop-up?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, there… Later there was.


[User]
Jim: "So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I’m saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn’t he?"
Michael: "I didn’t, you know, it was… It was dark, for one thing."
Jim: "Office romances. Um… [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam ’cause she’s in an office romance, technically."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s just push on, shall we?


[User]
Dwight: "There’s one more suggestion."
Michael: "How pleasant. You can…"
Dwight: "“Way to go man, Jan’s really hot.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I think we’re good.


[User]
Jan: "Did you call my ex?"
Michael: "No, I did not."
Jan: "Gould, you said, Gould."

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe I did. Maybe I  called him, I don’t know.


[User]
Jan: "Okay, how dare you do that?"
Michael: "I didn’t do that. I… Maybe he called me."
Jan: "Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ex-husband, you have to let it go.


[User]
Dwight: "Ok, I’m sorry.  What is going on in there? Why is he here?  What are you doing?"
Michael: "I can’t tell you."
Dwight: "You have to tell me."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t have to tell you anything.


[User]
Dwight: "You have to tell me."
Michael: "I don’t have to tell you anything."
Dwight: "Look, Michael, I know you don’t want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok?  I’m in the best shape of my life.  Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr!  That’s strong!


[User]
Dwight: "Look, Michael, I know you don’t want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over."
Michael: "Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok?  I’m in the best shape of my life.  Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr!  That’s strong!"
Dwight: "Yeah, but that doesn’t matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not going get a brain-


[User]
Dwight: "Or get hit by a car-"
Michael: "Stop it."
Dwight: "Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok?  Why don’t you just go… away?


[User]
Jim: "Yup, it’s, uh, four o’clock."
Michael: "One more hour.  Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don’t know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don’t, we could hang out."
Jim: "Oh, um… .I can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: You have plans.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, um… .I can’t."
Michael: "You have plans."
Jim: "Uh hmm, definitely."

[Assistant] Michael: I do, too. I do, too.


[User]
Jim: "Uh hmm, definitely."
Michael: "I do, too. I do, too."
Jim: "You do?"

[Assistant] Michael: I do, yeah. Big plans.


[User]
Jim: "You do?"
Michael: "I do, yeah. Big plans."
Jim: "Because you said “do you wanna hang out”-"

[Assistant] Michael: Tonight, I can’t do it tonight, no.  Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-


[User]
Jim: "Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun."
Michael: "It’s the best.  It’s the best.  I would not miss it for the world.  But if something else came up, I would definitely not go."
Jim: "Improv sounds great."

[Assistant] Michael: It is. Ok.


[User]
Dwight: "Battlestar Galatica."
Michael: "That’s, whatever stupid show you want-"
Dwight: "I can’t-"

[Assistant] Michael: To watch tonight


[User]
Bill: "Oh, don’t worry.  We’re all gonna carpool."
Michael: "So Bernie’s, huh?  We’re all going to Bernie’s? [to camera]  Go to Bernie’s?"
Bill: "Oh sorry, we’re not going as a group, it’s just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing."

[Assistant] Michael: Right, right, right.  Well guys, I’d love to go to Bernie’s with you, but, you know, I have an office party.  A big office party I need to go to, so…  Can’t get out of it.


[User]
Sadiq (It Guy): "Why do you have that?"
Michael: "Comedy; it’s funny.  It’s Johnny Carson, Karnak.  It’s, um, put it back.  Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?"
Sadiq (It Guy): "In Pittsburgh?  Yeah, but I never really watched him."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. You were forbidden.


[User]
Sadiq (It Guy): "In Pittsburgh?  Yeah, but I never really watched him."
Michael: "Oh. You were forbidden."
Sadiq (It Guy): "No, I’m much younger than you.  I watched Conan."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, I’m gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee.  Do you want some coffee er-


[User]
Dwight: "What’s going on, Michael.  Talk to me."
Michael: "I don’t know, same old stuff.  Same old.  Boss just been ridin’ my ass."
Dwight: "Oh no! Jan!?  What’s goin’ on?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t wanna talk about it.  I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh no! Jan!?  What’s goin’ on?"
Michael: "I don’t wanna talk about it.  I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys."
Dwight: "The most important one of the guys."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s not the point.


[User]
Dwight: "Jim, this is hardly the time."
Michael: "No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time.  This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it’s what it’s all about, just hangin’ out.  Enjoying friends, all being the same.  Worker bees."
Dwight: "And their king bee."

[Assistant] Michael: No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around.


[User]
Dwight: "And their king bee."
Michael: "No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around."
Dwight: "Master bee."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not a master bee.


[User]
Dwight: "Master bee."
Michael: "I’m not a master bee."
Dwight: "Queen bee."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin’.


[User]
Mary-Beth: "I don’t think… he was saying-"
Michael: "Well, you kept-"
Mary-Beth: "He kept saying “shut up”-"

[Assistant] Michael: Going into nuclear something; that’s not where the scene was going.


[User]
Mary-Beth: "We’ve seen you do that character before though.  I mean, you know, that’s cool."
Michael: "Well, it’s, like, well, it’s, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence,  that’s…"
Mary-Beth: "Like Jim Carrey or something."

[Assistant] Michael: Exactly, thank you.


[User]
Mary-Beth: "Like Jim Carrey or something."
Michael: "Exactly, thank you."
Mary-Beth: "Right, well I wasn’t saying that-"

[Assistant] Michael: I appreciate that.


[User]
Mary-Beth: "Right, well I wasn’t saying that-"
Michael: "I appreciate that."
Mary-Beth: "Nah, I know, I just meant that… he shot me, I just-"

[Assistant] Michael: Or Ryan Stiles, something like that.


[User]
Mary-Beth: "Nah, I know, I just meant that… he shot me, I just-"
Michael: "Or Ryan Stiles, something like that."
Mary-Beth: "Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn’t feel safe in this game."

[Assistant] Michael: You shouldn’t have been, ’cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn.  That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that’s a compliment.


[User]
Improv Teacher: "Ok, for the next exercise, let’s everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody?  Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don’t you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head.  Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head.  Ok, stay there."
Michael: "I’ll just throw out some suggestions."
Improv Teacher: "Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael]  Don’t throw out any-"

[Assistant] Michael: They’re in a whorehouse.


[User]
Dwight: "Really shove it."
Michael: "You’ll break it."
Dwight: "Shove it through! Break it!"

[Assistant] Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don’t break the branches, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "I got a splinter."
Michael: "Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?"
Dwight: "I’ve got it leveraged. Push. Straight up."

[Assistant] Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.


[User]
Kevin: "[holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?"
Michael: "A, that’s what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year."
Kevin: "But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That’s what Christmas is all about.


[User]
Jim: "I think I did a pretty good job."
Michael: "Yeah? Who did you have?"
Jim: "Well, I can’t tell you cause it’s a secret."

[Assistant] Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.


[User]
Jim: "Well, there’s a $20 limit, right? So .. ?"
Michael: "Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond."
Jim: "That’s great. Well don’t tell me who it is, cause I can .."

[Assistant] Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.


[User]
Ryan: "[unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod."
Michael: "Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away."
Ryan: "Wasn’t there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t know that.


[User]
Angela: "It sounds mean."
Michael: "Shut it. No, it’s not. Okay, just give it a shot."
Angela: "Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He’s not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here’s the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else’s gift that they’ve already gotten, like the oven mitt.


[User]
Liquor Store Clerk: "It comes to $166.41."
Michael: "All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?"
Liquor Store Clerk: "Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it."

[Assistant] Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up.


[User]
Ryan: "Oh, no."
Michael: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Ryan: "I really did not do anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.


[User]
Dwight: "This is so awesome."
Michael: "Not bad. And if it couldn’t go to Ryan, you are the guy I’d want it to go to."
Dwight: "Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re welcome.


[User]
Todd Packer: "[grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!"
Michael: "No way. Oh, you’re kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!"
Todd Packer: "[rapping] What’s up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.


[User]
Todd Packer: "[rapping] What’s up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]"
Michael: "Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake."
Todd Packer: "Pacman need a drinky."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, let’s fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby’s gonna fix you up.


[User]
Darryl: "That’s okay, Mike."
Michael: "No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it."
Darryl: "All right. Thanks, man."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas.


[User]
Stanley: "I need to know…"
Michael: "Banana fana fo fanley."
Stanley: "What we’re doing."

[Assistant] Michael: Be my mo manley.


[User]
Stanley: "Is this an overnight?"
Michael: "Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn’t it?"
Stanley: "Should my wife tell her boss she’s not coming in tomorrow?"

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe, I don’t know.


[User]
Stanley: "Should my wife tell her boss she’s not coming in tomorrow?"
Michael: "Maybe, I don’t know."
Stanley: "Not maybe. Yes or no."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, no. But… okay, don’t spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.


[User]
Stanley: "Not maybe. Yes or no."
Michael: "Well, no. But… okay, don’t spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack."
Stanley: "In January?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s cheaper.


[User]
Kelly: "Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?"
Michael: "To throw you off the scent."
Kelly: "Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.


[User]
Kelly: "Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit."
Michael: "Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it."
Kelly: "I took the tags off already."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, that’s not my fault, okay? Just.. we’re not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you’re all thinking, “Who is this smart little cookie?” Her name is Brenda… something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.


[User]
Captain Jack: "They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat."
Michael: "But don’t worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight."
Captain Jack: "Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it’s very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We’re gonna get it going in just a few minutes here…"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna…


[User]
Captain Jack: "Okay, Michael, if you don’t mind…"
Michael: "Rock it!"
Captain Jack: "Please, okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: If the boat’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’!


[User]
Captain Jack: "Your company’s employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?"
Michael: "We’re all gonna have a good time tonight!"
Captain Jack: "Why don’t you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Hm? Okay. Yep.


[User]
Brenda: "Yeah. Everybody’s really nice."
Michael: "Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers."
Brenda: "When are you going to start the presentation?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so… right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.


[User]
Captain Jack: "All right, all right, that was great! Now it’s time for the dance contest!"
Michael: "But before that, I have to do my presentation."
Captain Jack: "Nope! Dance contest!"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, we’ll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!


[User]
Captain Jack: "So, what’s this presentation all about?"
Michael: "Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?"
Captain Jack: "Women and children."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.


[User]
Captain Jack: "Women and children."
Michael: "No, no. Salesmen and profit centers."
Captain Jack: "That’s a stupid analogy."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, well, obviously you don’t know anything about leadership.


[User]
Roy: "Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what’s really important, and… Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let’s do it! Come on, Pam!"
Michael: "I don’t want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?"
Roy: "No, it was Captain Jack."

[Assistant] Michael: Well… could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing.  Congratulations. That is great!


[User]
Jim: "What happened to you?"
Michael: "Captain Jack has a problem with authority."
Jim: "Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?"

[Assistant] Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?"
Michael: "He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic."
Jim: "What a night."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it’s nice for you. Your friend got engaged.


[User]
Jim: "What a night."
Michael: "Well, it’s nice for you. Your friend got engaged."
Jim: "She was always engaged."

[Assistant] Michael: Roy said the first one didn’t count.


[User]
Jim: "She was always engaged."
Michael: "Roy said the first one didn’t count."
Jim: "That’s… great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Really? You’re kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan…


[User]
Jim: "That’s… great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so…"
Michael: "Really? You’re kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan…"
Jim: "Yeah, I know."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah, I know."
Michael: "Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute."
Jim: "Yeah. She’s really funny, and she’s warm. And she’s just… well, anyway."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don’t give up.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah. She’s really funny, and she’s warm. And she’s just… well, anyway."
Michael: "Well, if you like her so much, don’t give up."
Jim: "She’s engaged."

[Assistant] Michael: BFD. Engaged ain’t married.


[User]
Jan: "Can we come in?"
Michael: "Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah."
Jan: "Thank you very much."

[Assistant] Michael: Have a seat.


[User]
Jan: "Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?"
Michael: "Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it’s a booze cruise, but it… There’s more to the story than that. It…"
Jan: "A booze cruise? What do you mean?"

[Assistant] Michael: Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme…


[User]
Jan: "A booze cruise? What do you mean?"
Michael: "Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme…"
Jan: "Michael, we discussed the IRS’s regulations."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I don’t even know why I said booze cruise. I don’t even think there’s booze on the boat.


[User]
Jan: "Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible."
Michael: "Of course."
Jan: "We discussed that."

[Assistant] Michael: Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people’s lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat.


[User]
Jan: "Okay, you know, I’m gonna go now, and…"
Michael: "Oh, okay."
Jan: "Good luck, Brenda."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll see you later.


[User]
Jan: "Good luck, Brenda."
Michael: "I’ll see you later."
Jan: "Okay, see you later. And try to be professional."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll call you later.


[User]
Jan: "Okay, see you later. And try to be professional."
Michael: "I’ll call you later."
Jan: "No, that’s all right."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s like…


[User]
Jan: "No, that’s all right."
Michael: "That’s like…"
Jan: "You call me if you need anything, Brenda."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine.


[User]
Ryan: "At home, not on a boat?"
Michael: "Flash cards."
Ryan: "Flash cards. Doesn’t really help me right now because I’m on a boat."

[Assistant] Michael: You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here.


[User]
Pam: "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."
Michael: "Pam! It’s Michael.  Help me!  I need help right now."
Pam: "Michael, what’s wrong?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m hurt, I have hurt myself.  Oh my God!


[User]
Pam: "Michael, what’s wrong?"
Michael: "I’m hurt, I have hurt myself.  Oh my God!"
Pam: "Ok, wait wait wait wait…"

[Assistant] Michael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!


[User]
Pam: "Ok, wait wait wait wait…"
Michael: "Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!"
Pam: "Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?!"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I want you to pick me up.


[User]
Jim: "Hey, whoa, Michael…"
Michael: "Oh God!"
Jim: "It’s, okay, it’s Jim.  Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.


[User]
Jim: "It’s, okay, it’s Jim.  Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened."
Michael: "OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work."
Jim: "You burned"

[Assistant] Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed.  I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.  And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself.  So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill.  Then I go to sleep.  When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again.  Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.  It is delicious, it’s good for me.  It’s the perfect way to start the day.  Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it.  I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m gonna save you!"
Michael: "Don’t… is that Dwight?  I do not want Dwight."
Dwight: "Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t want Dwight!


[User]
Pam: "You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate."
Michael: "Did you explain why?"
Pam: "No, I didn’t mention that you cooked your foot."

[Assistant] Michael: Burned my foot, Pam.


[User]
Pam: "You didn’t have any."
Michael: "Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and…"
Pam: "And do my job?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam.  OW! God!


[User]
Pam: "It’s just that before, you said that you didn’t want any special treatment."
Michael: "I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask."
Pam: "Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I don’t want some aspirin, yeah I’m a little fussy.  Aspirin’s not gonna do a damn thing.  I’m sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.


[User]
Dwight: "No, I didn’t."
Michael: "Yes, you did.  What is wrong with you?"
Dwight: "What is wrong with"

[Assistant] Michael: Where is my cornbread?


[User]
Ryan: "Here you go."
Michael: "Thank you.  Did you get all dark meat like I like?"
Ryan: "Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat."

[Assistant] Michael: Where are the yams?


[User]
Ryan: "Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat."
Michael: "Where are the yams?"
Ryan: "They were out of yams.  I got you creamed spinach."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?


[User]
Pam: "[phone rings] What."
Michael: "Come here please."
Pam: "Tell me before I come there."

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot.


[User]
Toby: "What, what happened?"
Michael: "I fell off the toilet.  I’m caught between the toilet and the wall."
Toby: "What do you need?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ugh, not you.  Someone else.  Get Pam.


[User]
Toby: "What do you need?"
Michael: "Ugh, not you.  Someone else.  Get Pam."
Toby: "I don’t think Pam’s gonna want to come into the men’s room."

[Assistant] Michael: Get Ryan.  He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit.  Bring a wet towel.


[User]
Toby: "I don’t think Pam’s gonna want to come into the men’s room."
Michael: "Get Ryan.  He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit.  Bring a wet towel."
Toby: "Ryan, is, uh, dead."

[Assistant] Michael: No, he’s not.


[User]
Stanley: "I’m not disabled and neither are you."
Michael: "Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?!"
Stanley: "Mailboxes, Etc."

[Assistant] Michael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about.  You people are jerks.  Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.


[User]
Billy Merchant: "Hey everyone, I’m Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I’m the properties manager of this office park"
Michael: "You are so brave. You are so brave."
Billy Merchant: "Thank you. Actually, I’ve been meaning to come by here for a long time…"

[Assistant] Michael: But it’s hard for you! Right? Because you’re in a wheelchair.


[User]
Billy Merchant: "Thank you. Actually, I’ve been meaning to come by here for a long time…"
Michael: "But it’s hard for you! Right? Because you’re in a wheelchair."
Billy Merchant: "No, I just have a lot of properties to manage."

[Assistant] Michael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?


[User]
Billy Merchant: "No, I just have a lot of properties to manage."
Michael: "Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?"
Billy Merchant: "I don’t know, like 30 seconds?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God, that’s three times as long as it takes me.


[User]
Billy Merchant: "This morning?  Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs]"
Michael: "Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny."
Billy Merchant: "Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, that’s good, he still has a sense of humor.


[User]
Billy Merchant: "Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here."
Michael: "Well, that’s good, he still has a sense of humor."
Billy Merchant: "Listen, I’ve actually used a chair since I was four years old.  I don’t really notice it anymore."

[Assistant] Michael: Well they notice it.  Don’t you?  You notice it.  It’s the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn’t it?


[User]
Ryan: "I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!"
Michael: "You did it!  Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin.  Very nice.  Thank you, Ryan."
Ryan: "You are very welcome."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you get the yams?


[User]
Ryan: "You are very welcome."
Michael: "Did you get the yams?"
Ryan: "No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams!"

[Assistant] Michael: [sigh] Ok, I’ll just have the pudding.


[User]
Jim: "We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese."
Michael: "Chuck E. Cheese?  Oh, God, I’m so sick of Chuck E. Cheese."
Jim: "We’re going to the hospital, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, just sayin’.


[User]
Dwight: "You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!"
Michael: "Give it to me Dwight."
Dwight: "No. [takes a drink]"

[Assistant] Michael: Give me the bottle!!


[User]
Dwight: "My eyes!"
Michael: "Stop spraying me!  Gimme the bottle!"
Dwight: "My eyes!"

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name.


[User]
Jim: "It’s Kurt.  Wow, I am so sad that I know that."
Michael: "What do I write under “reason for visit”?"
Jim: "Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nothing.  I wrote “bringing someone to the hospital”.


[User]
Jim: "Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write?"
Michael: "Nothing.  I wrote “bringing someone to the hospital”."
Jim: "So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital."

[Assistant] Michael: No… you know what Jim, this isn’t about me anymore.  I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim]


[User]
Dwight: "Hi Michael!"
Michael: "Hi Dwight."
Dwight: "Ahhh.  Mweehaa"

[Assistant] Michael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?


[User]
Lab Tech: "Ok, no electronics past this point.  Camera, sound equipment…"
Michael: "It’s ok, they’re with me."
Lab Tech: "No metal of any kind."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.


[User]
Jim: "I’ve had a Foreman grill for about six years, I’ve done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I’ve never burnt myself, probably because I don’t use it as a pillow."
Michael: "I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house.  Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few.  Very soothing.  [to the interviewer] Want to try?"
Jim: "You know, that’s probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast."

[Assistant] Michael: Right, I’m gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh.  Bureaucracy and germs.


[User]
Jim: "You know, that’s probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast."
Michael: "Right, I’m gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh.  Bureaucracy and germs."
Jim: "And doctors."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, so, no thank you.


[User]
Toby: "[on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time."
Michael: "Yeah, I’ve been sayin that."
Toby: "Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we’re including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you know I used to be in HR?


[User]
Toby: "Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we’re including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward."
Michael: "Did you know I used to be in HR?"
Toby: "I’m sorry?"

[Assistant] Michael: I used to be in HR.  I was a Hell raiser.


[User]
Toby: "Uh, ok."
Michael: "Right? [laughs]"
Toby: "Uh, great.  Why don’t we move on?"

[Assistant] Michael: Alright. Movin’ on.


[User]
Toby: "Uh, great.  Why don’t we move on?"
Michael: "Alright. Movin’ on."
Toby: "Great.  Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ry-an.  You’re here.  Whatcha got, whatcha got?  Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused.  Where’s Little Man Tate?


[User]
Ryan: "They were out."
Michael: "Oh come on."
Ryan: "At three different places."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh man.  It’s not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh God.  Oh God."
Michael: "Guh-od."
Dwight: "Oh God."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, I’ll stand near you.


[User]
Jim: "I’m gonna pull the car around."
Michael: "Shh shh shh shh."
Jim: "Do you speak Spanish?"

[Assistant] Michael: No. Do you?


[User]
Jim: "Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?"
Michael: "What’s up-dog?"
Jim: "Nothin’ much what’s up with you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that’s brilliant!


[User]
Kevin: "What does that mean?"
Michael: "What does what mean?"
Kevin: "The thing you just said?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just forget it.


[User]
Dwight: "Oscar is out sick."
Michael: "On a Friday? [Dwight nods]"
Dwight: "Can I do some of the talking?"

[Assistant] Michael: I will do all the talking.


[User]
Dwight: "Ok. First impressions?"
Michael: "He sounded sick."
Dwight: "Which is exactly how you’d wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s exactly what I was thinking.


[User]
Dwight: "Which is exactly how you’d wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick."
Michael: "That’s exactly what I was thinking."
Dwight: "Question? May I investigate?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Drop what you’re doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can’t function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.


[User]
Jim: "I’m going with grape."
Michael: "Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?"
Jim: "Which one?"

[Assistant] Michael: Any of em?  So, uh, what’s the 411? Any news on the “P” situation?


[User]
Jim: "Which one?"
Michael: "Any of em?  So, uh, what’s the 411? Any news on the “P” situation?"
Jim: "I don’t know what you mean."

[Assistant] Michael: P-A-M. P-A


[User]
Jim: "I don’t know what you mean."
Michael: "P-A-M. P-A"
Jim: "Uh, uh, ok."

[Assistant] Michael: No it’s okay, we’re talking code.


[User]
Jim: "I don’t know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room."
Michael: "Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim’s desk], no way, no. Why don’t, why don’t I take you out to lunch? My treat."
Jim: "No, that’s alright, thank you though. It’s, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room.  Have a little picnic order some ‘za. Talk about you know who.


[User]
Jim: "No, that’s alright, thank you though. It’s, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here."
Michael: "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room.  Have a little picnic order some ‘za. Talk about you know who."
Jim: "Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let’s go out. That was a good idea.  Let’s go out."

[Assistant] Michael: I know just he place.


[User]
Dana: "And for you?"
Michael: "Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?"
Dana: "Oh, it’s great. It’s served with our world famous wing sauce."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmmm, sounds yummy.  I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]


[User]
Dana: "Oh, it’s great. It’s served with our world famous wing sauce."
Michael: "Mmmm, sounds yummy.  I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]"
Dana: "Is that what you really want?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m gonna have the gourmet hot dog.


[User]
Jim: "Uh-huh."
Michael: "Never get’s any of my jokes."
Jim: "What about you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Her boobs, definitely.


[User]
Dana: "Here you go."
Michael: "Oh, thank you."
Dana: "And I understand we have a birthday today."

[Assistant] Michael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!


[User]
Jim: "Thank you."
Michael: "Woo! Yeah!"
Jim: "Thanks, thanks Dana."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you very much.


[User]
Dwight: "Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office."
Michael: "Just go to his house and see if he’s sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes."
Dwight: "Including prep time?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just do it.


[User]
Angela: "This is from Hooters."
Michael: "Yeah, it’s a business lunch."
Angela: "Did Toby approve this?"

[Assistant] Michael: No he did not. I don’t need his permission.


[User]
Toby: "I’m not processing this."
Michael: "Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity.  How is that not work related?"
Toby: "He seems fine to me."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re not his friend, you don’t know. He is in love with a girl he works with who’s engaged.  So just cut me some slack. Please?


[User]
Jim: "Umm, what happened?"
Michael: "I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just… I know. I’m just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn’t affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid."
Jim: "Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it’s, you know what. It’s not a big deal."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, I’m fine, no I know, I’m good, I’m good, it’s just.


[User]
Jim: "Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it’s, you know what. It’s not a big deal."
Michael: "Ok, I’m fine, no I know, I’m good, I’m good, it’s just."
Jim: "Look its one day, everything’s gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah I’m good.


[User]
Pam: "Hey, here’s your schedule for next week. Are you okay?"
Michael: "Yeah I’m fine. Look, about you and Jim."
Pam: "Oh, no, that’s, you don’t have to."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I feel it’s my responsibility as your boss slash friend.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, no, that’s, you don’t have to."
Michael: "No, I feel it’s my responsibility as your boss slash friend."
Pam: "No, really, it’s okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so."

[Assistant] Michael: It wasn’t that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.


[User]
Pam: "No, really, it’s okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so."
Michael: "It wasn’t that long ago. It was on the booze cruise."
Pam: "Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I’m done. That’s it. I’m out.


[User]
Dwight: "He totally misses,"
Michael: "No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that’s much harder to do."
Dwight: "Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This’ll be much harder."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no. I don’t want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael’s desk]


[User]
Dwight: "Jack Nicholas."
Michael: "It’s a celebrity tournament."
Dwight: "[golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you see it?


[User]
Dwight: "[golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]"
Michael: "Do you see it?"
Dwight: "Oh, man, it’s really back there."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you feel it?


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, man, it’s really back there."
Michael: "Do you feel it?"
Dwight: "Yeah. I can barely…"

[Assistant] Michael: [mug falls off Michel’s desk and smashes on the floor] God… damn it, Dwight! That’s great.


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah. I can barely…"
Michael: "[mug falls off Michel’s desk and smashes on the floor] God… damn it, Dwight! That’s great."
Dwight: "Should I clean out my desk?"

[Assistant] Michael: [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won’t be necessary.


[User]
Dwight: "Should I clean out my desk?"
Michael: "[pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won’t be necessary."
Dwight: "Don’t be fooled by the phrase “dust bunnies.” They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed."

[Assistant] Michael: Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away.


[User]
Dwight: "Don’t be fooled by the phrase “dust bunnies.” They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed."
Michael: "Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away."
Dwight: "If they’re the worker bees, you’re the Queen bee."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I am the King bee,


[User]
Dwight: "If they’re the worker bees, you’re the Queen bee."
Michael: "No, I am the King bee,"
Dwight: "Queen’s higher."

[Assistant] Michael: No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee.


[User]
Ryan: "People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss?"
Michael: "Keep. I will finish that later."
Ryan: "It’s from ’99."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I know when it’s from, Ryan.


[User]
Ryan: "It’s from ’99."
Michael: "Yeah, I know when it’s from, Ryan."
Ryan: "18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.” Michael wrote, “Judd?”"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don’t believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody’s feelings got hurt.


[User]
Jim: "Wow. Thanks."
Michael: "You’re welcome."
Jim: "No, you what, seriously, you should have it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it’ll be hysterical.


[User]
Jim: "No, you what, seriously, you should have it."
Michael: "No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it’ll be hysterical."
Jim: "Oh, tomorrow, that’s gonna be tough ’cause I already laid out my outfit, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You’d better try it on, make sure it fits.


[User]
Pam: "Mm-hm."
Michael: "Did you get lucky?  Oh!  Boink!"
Pam: "Roy and I just got back from the Poconos.  I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January."

[Assistant] Michael: I am Pam.  Spicoli guy.  Oh, God.  Names, numbers.  Okay. [walking into office] Whoa!  God!  Yuck, yuck.  Yuck.  Yuck!


[User]
Pam: "I don’t know."
Michael: "There is stink in there, my God!  What is… what is that?"
Pam: "[looking at pile on Michel’s carpet] Oh… I don’t know."

[Assistant] Michael: Is it a bird?


[User]
Pam: "[looking at pile on Michel’s carpet] Oh… I don’t know."
Michael: "Is it a bird?"
Pam: "No, I don’t think it’s a bird."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, God!  How could that happen?  How could… right in the middle of the carpet.


[User]
Kevin: "What’s goin’ on?"
Michael: "Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office."
Kevin: "[taking a look] I don’t think that’s vomit."

[Assistant] Michael: Check it out.


[User]
Kevin: "Oh, that’s ridiculous."
Michael: "What is it?"
Kevin: "Michael. [tapping on door]"

[Assistant] Michael: What is it?  No, just tell me what it is.


[User]
Dwight: "[coughing] It’s still stinky."
Michael: "That is worse."
Dwight: "She probably scrubbed it"

[Assistant] Michael: [while in his reeking office]  I am a big Fear Factor fan.  I’m a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape.  Um… [clearing throat]   I can’t stand it [gets up to leave], I can’t stay in here another second.  No!


[User]
Jim: "But there’s definitely a desk open in the back."
Michael: "[reluctantly] Yeah …"
Jim: "…which I guess I’ll be taking."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no!  Seriously, I don’t mind sharing.


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah! [laughing]"
Michael: "Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]"
Dwight: "Should we help ’em pick up their stuff?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no.  We don’t do that.  We don’t do that.


[User]
Dwight: "It is so on!"
Michael: "God, this is gonna be fun."
Dwight: "Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!"

[Assistant] Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring.  Very good, nice doing business with you.  Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah!  Read it and weep.  Oh!  Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis’ forehead]  Look at me, Phyllis!  Oh, what is that?  That’s my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]


[User]
Darryl: "That was definitely not dancing."
Michael: "You know what, guys?  It’s none of your concern.  It was official business, so just…"
Darryl: "Paper business."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, paper business.  Is this done?


[User]
Creed: "Sure.  He hired me.  How’s he doing?"
Michael: "How would I know?"
Creed: "I thought you might."

[Assistant] Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.


[User]
Creed: "I thought you might."
Michael: "My biggest fear is turning into him."
Creed: "Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs]  I wasn’t talking literally, Creed.  Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy?  Why am I talking to you?


[User]
Ed: "Yeah.  Should we go upstairs?"
Michael: "Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don’t wanna be up there right now."
Ed: "So, what’s the problem with my pension?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, no, no, no.  You’re good.  It was clerical.  You’re good.  Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.


[User]
Ed: "So, what’s the problem with my pension?"
Michael: "Oh, no, no, no.  You’re good.  It was clerical.  You’re good.  Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me."
Ed: "Well, what was done?"

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t get a good look at… it, but it smells horrible.


[User]
Ed: "You can’t expect to be friends with everybody."
Michael: "Well… s-sure I can."
Ed: "No.  They’ll always think of you as a boss first."

[Assistant] Michael: Not necessarily.  You can love a boss like you do a father.


[User]
Ed: "No.  They’ll always think of you as a boss first."
Michael: "Not necessarily.  You can love a boss like you do a father."
Ed: "I’m not sure that ever happens."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, okay.  Different management styles.


[User]
Ed: "I’m not sure that ever happens."
Michael: "Well, okay.  Different management styles."
Ed: "Why can’t your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?"

[Assistant] Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office.  I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.  But now, no.  I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did.  I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends.  Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”


[User]
Packer: "[laughs uproariously]"
Michael: "Are you kidding me?  Oh!"
Packer: "Special delivery!"

[Assistant] Michael: That was Packer!  Oh, you’re… you are dead.  You are dead, my friend!  That is hilar… Oh, God!  Of course it was you.


[User]
Packer: "Special delivery!"
Michael: "That was Packer!  Oh, you’re… you are dead.  You are dead, my friend!  That is hilar… Oh, God!  Of course it was you."
Packer: "Sit on the throne, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh.  [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah!  Oh my God.  It was Packer!


[User]
Dwight: "You’re the one who trained me, Michael."
Michael: "Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?"
Dwight: "You most certainly did not."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I did not.


[User]
Dwight: "You most certainly did not."
Michael: "No, I did not."
Dwight: "What can I do better?"

[Assistant] Michael: Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke.


[User]
Dwight: "What can I do better?"
Michael: "Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke."
Dwight: "I’m not good at jokes."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you know a joke?


[User]
Dwight: "I’m not good at jokes."
Michael: "Do you know a joke?"
Dwight: "My cousin Mose told me a joke."

[Assistant] Michael: Call a client right now.


[User]
Dwight: "I will."
Michael: "Strike while the iron’s hot. A joke always works."
Dwight: "[on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please."

[Assistant] Michael: Just sell it.


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please."
Michael: "Just sell it."
Dwight: "[on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I’m calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can’t think? A nun who has a beet for a head. … No, I’m Catholic, too."

[Assistant] Michael: Give me the phone.


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I’m calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can’t think? A nun who has a beet for a head. … No, I’m Catholic, too."
Michael: "Give me the phone."
Dwight: "[on the phone] I understand."

[Assistant] Michael: Give me the phone.


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] I understand."
Michael: "Give me the phone."
Dwight: "[on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I…"

[Assistant] Michael: Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line.


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I…"
Michael: "Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line."
Dwight: "[on the phone] Humor works in…"

[Assistant] Michael: The old one two. Let’s do it.


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] Humor works in…"
Michael: "The old one two. Let’s do it."
Dwight: "[on the phone] …crazy ways. I’m going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It’s Howard Gruber."

[Assistant] Michael: [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he’s a little… Little dim. He’s the janitor’s brother, so…


[User]
Dwight: "[on the phone] …crazy ways. I’m going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It’s Howard Gruber."
Michael: "[on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he’s a little… Little dim. He’s the janitor’s brother, so…"
Dwight: "That’s not true."

[Assistant] Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can’t even find their way to work? That is Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "That’s not true."
Michael: "[on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can’t even find their way to work? That is Dwight."
Dwight: "[whispering] He’s my best customer."

[Assistant] Michael: [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper.


[User]
Dwight: "[whispering] He’s my best customer."
Michael: "[on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper."
Dwight: "But that’s my sale. This is my sale, Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I’m glad it timed out that way.


[User]
Jan: "Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So…"
Michael: "[knocks] Hey, what’s going on?"
Jan: "Michael… I thought we agreed you wouldn’t be here."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah… I… You know what… I… I… I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.


[User]
Jan: "Michael… I thought we agreed you wouldn’t be here."
Michael: "Yeah… I… You know what… I… I… I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say."
Jan: "What are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Hold… Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today’s woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads…


[User]
Jan: "You are not allowed in this session."
Michael: "And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so…"
Jan: "Now you’re really not allowed in this session."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’m their boss, so I feel like…


[User]
Jan: "Now you’re really not allowed in this session."
Michael: "Well, I’m their boss, so I feel like…"
Jan: "I’m your boss."

[Assistant] Michael: [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or…


[User]
Jan: "I’m your boss."
Michael: "[stands up] Anybody want any coffee or…"
Jan: "We’re fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please."

[Assistant] Michael: Women in the workplace… yeah, translation “I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.” Oh! Sorry. ‘Women of the workplace.’ About what? I don’t know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!


[User]
Jan: "I don’t know what you’re doing here, Michael,"
Michael: "Just having a little ‘guys in the workplace’ thing."
Jan: "… but it’s very destructive."

[Assistant] Michael: Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?


[User]
Jan: "… but it’s very destructive."
Michael: "Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?"
Jan: "Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: We have nowhere else Jan. This…


[User]
Darryl: "Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today."
Michael: "Oh… well… okay… yeah, you know what? I don’t think… You.. You’re… My job sucks compared to this. I don’t think you’d like it up there."
Darryl: "The experience…"

[Assistant] Michael: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?


[User]
Darryl: "Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now."
Michael: "I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m fine."
Darryl: "Look, would ya… look."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, oh, oh!  We’ll get somebody to clean that up.


[User]
Darryl: "So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin."
Michael: "OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh…"
Darryl: "Uh uh uh. Don’t shush me."

[Assistant] Michael: I… That was just…


[User]
Darryl: "Uh uh uh. Don’t shush me."
Michael: "I… That was just…"
Darryl: "That bothers me too."

[Assistant] Michael: I was breathing.


[User]
Jan: "Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I’m sure that all of you have felt that before…"
Michael: "[knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna… Can I help you? Um… I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points…"
Jan: "What? A union! What…"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t get hysterical.


[User]
Jan: "What? A union! What…"
Michael: "Don’t get hysterical."
Jan: "I’m not…"

[Assistant] Michael: Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.


[User]
Jan: "The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think… the… pros… are… here?"
Michael: "Don’t talk to me that way please. Just… they’re going to want to hear this from you."
Jan: "You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out."

[Assistant] Michael: But we’re bonding down there!


[User]
Jan: "You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out."
Michael: "But we’re bonding down there!"
Jan: "That’s too bad."

[Assistant] Michael: I mean I just don’t want to have to tell them something they’re not going to want to hear.


[User]
Jan: "That’s too bad."
Michael: "I mean I just don’t want to have to tell them something they’re not going to want to hear."
Jan: "I don’t want to…"

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we’ve been through…


[User]
Jan: "I don’t want to…"
Michael: "Ok. Come on Jan. After all we’ve been through…"
Jan: "Michael! Michael! Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: We have a history…


[User]
Jan: "Don’t say another word."
Michael: "I won’t"
Jan: "Get yourself down stairs."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m just saying we have something… Ok. Whatever.


[User]
Jan: "Did you take care of the situation?"
Michael: "Yuh, yuh, yes! I… I have essentially…"
Jan: "Excuse me."

[Assistant] Michael: I have essentially. Yes. I’ve taken some…


[User]
Pam: "Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh… hold, please."
Michael: "Oh! I don’t know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring."
Pam: "You did?"

[Assistant] Michael: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I’m a little overwhelmed.


[User]
Dwight: "I will stay here and run things on this end."
Michael: "Ok, good."
Dwight: "Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you’re in New York?"

[Assistant] Michael: I probably will, why do you ask?


[User]
Josh: "Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake]"
Michael: "Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam."
Josh: "You know Dan Gore from Buffalo."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]


[User]
Craig: "What’s up buddy?"
Michael: "You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?"
Craig: "Guilty, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: So what’s going on? What I miss?


[User]
Craig: "She ain’t my boss dude. I don’t work for that bitch."
Michael: "Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that’s not. Cool it."
Craig: "What? You like Jan? How can you"

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe because she’s my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She’s… we hooked up and…


[User]
David: "Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great."
Michael: "Yes, thank you."
David: "But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch’s performance, so do you have that information as well?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm… [hands over report]


[User]
Jan: "NO, NO I’m not, I’m not, I just… I just don’t know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we’re all gonna get fired."
Michael: "No you’re not."
Jan: "Yeah, Michael – the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can’t believe that you told everybody and we didn’t even sleep together."

[Assistant] Michael: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So…


[User]
Jan: "Yeah, Michael – the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can’t believe that you told everybody and we didn’t even sleep together."
Michael: "Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So…"
Jan: "Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It’s over. Do you understand?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. I’m sorry. I will fix this. I’ll talk to him. I’ll talk to David.


[User]
Jan: "Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It’s over. Do you understand?"
Michael: "Yes. I’m sorry. I will fix this. I’ll talk to him. I’ll talk to David."
Jan: "Surely, you cannot be serious?"

[Assistant] Michael: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley. Airplane.


[User]
David: "You understand this is a very serious situation."
Michael: "No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here’s the deal. It’s my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]"
David: "You made a joke?"

[Assistant] Michael: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]


[User]
David: "You made a joke?"
Michael: "I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]"
David: "Well I don’t need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss…"

[Assistant] Michael: I know. It was borderline at best and… And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I’m really sorry. It will never happen again.


[User]
Jan: "Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice."
Michael: "Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again."
Jan: "Oh, no, it’s OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine’s Day."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]


[User]
Receptionist: "Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there."
Michael: "Great. Thank you."
Receptionist: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, here’s the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, “Oh there’s nothing between us and stop talking about it.” And “Border-line harassment when you call me at home.” But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine’s Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see.


[User]
Jim: "Can we not?"
Michael: "No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don’t like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted."
Jim: "Still want that."

[Assistant] Michael: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys… Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.


[User]
Dwight: "Fumble! Yaaah!"
Michael: "Hey, Dwight."
Dwight: "Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!"

[Assistant] Michael: You all right Ryan?


[User]
Dwight: "Ha! I don’t get it."
Michael: "Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?"
Dwight: "Well, it’s not really a big speech. You still coming right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um… And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.


[User]
Dwight: "I can’t do this."
Michael: "That’s because you’re incapable of doing it because you don’t know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there’s no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time."
Dwight: "Oh, okay."

[Assistant] Michael: But I can teach you enough so that you don’t embarrass me or the company.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, okay."
Michael: "But I can teach you enough so that you don’t embarrass me or the company."
Dwight: "Okay, deal! I’ll do whatever you say. No questions asked."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay, deal! I’ll do whatever you say. No questions asked."
Michael: "Well, if you have a question, you should ask me."
Dwight: "I’ll try and think of one. When…"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t. Don’t try and think of a question to humor me. Just… try not to be such an idiot.


[User]
Dwight: "Saleswoman has a vagina."
Michael: "It’s a joke, Dwight. It’s not a Sex Ed class."
Dwight: "But I’m right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, you’re right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman… is boobs!


[User]
Dwight: "But I’m right?"
Michael: "Yeah, you’re right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman… is boobs!"
Dwight: "Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?"

[Assistant] Michael: I do. Both of them.


[User]
Dwight: "Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?"
Michael: "I do. Both of them."
Dwight: "Could I have a copy of one of them?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn’t matter what you say. It just matters that you’re saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.


[User]
Stanley: "You said we were getting bonuses."
Michael: "All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let’s go. Let’s do it."
Stanley: "Cancel wallpaper."

[Assistant] Michael: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can… and did… twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We’re all going to go around the room and we’re going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.


[User]
Dwight: "Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened?"
Michael: "I got thirsty. How’d it go?"
Dwight: "It was amazing. I wish you would have been there."

[Assistant] Michael: You would not believe what happened here.


[User]
Dwight: "It was amazing. I wish you would have been there."
Michael: "You would not believe what happened here."
Dwight: "What? Something happened?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.


[User]
Dwight: "And what a lot of people don’t understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera."
Michael: "That’s it? You’re going to end with “etcetera”? Okay, what’s this big organizational system that…"
Dwight: "Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?"

[Assistant] Michael: That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.


[User]
Dwight: "Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?"
Michael: "That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries."
Dwight: "It is?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s your delivery…


[User]
Dwight: "It is?"
Michael: "It’s your delivery…"
Dwight: "What is?"

[Assistant] Michael: Our biggest worry.


[User]
Dwight: "What is?"
Michael: "Our biggest worry."
Dwight: "I don’t follow."

[Assistant] Michael: My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That’s why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t follow."
Michael: "My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That’s why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]"
Dwight: "Oh, God!"

[Assistant] Michael: See, I have your attention now, don’t I? You’re scared, but now you’re ready to learn.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, God!"
Michael: "See, I have your attention now, don’t I? You’re scared, but now you’re ready to learn."
Dwight: "Well, that didn’t go well."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We’ll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.


[User]
Phyllis: "I would like to toast to the good fortune I’ve been having lately…"
Michael: "[shouting] Louder!"
Phyllis: "I, uh, I met a man and I’m totally in love, and that’s a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts…"

[Assistant] Michael: Good. Good, good, good. That’s good. Now see, that’s not so hard, right? All right. Who’s next? Who are we going to… Ryan. Ryan’s next.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I’m so in love with her."
Michael: "You’re weird."
Dwight: "No, no, no. It’s totally normal, ’cause she’s not a Cylon or anything. She’s just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don’t know. There we go.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy]"
Michael: "Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w—"
Pam: "Oh, Michael. You can’t be nasty today. [whispering] ‘Cause of the… [points to ‘Welcome Daughters!’ sign]"

[Assistant] Michael: … Oh, God is that today?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, Michael. You can’t be nasty today. [whispering] ‘Cause of the… [points to ‘Welcome Daughters!’ sign]"
Michael: "… Oh, God is that today?"
Pam: "I reminded you last night."

[Assistant] Michael: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid’s environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I’m going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in “Raw,” and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” both great movies, but, still.


[User]
Pam: "Don’t you think you should say something?"
Michael: "They’re cool."
Pam: "Michael, I think that as the boss you should really—"

[Assistant] Michael: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I’m Michael Scott, and… I… am in charge of this place… ahh, what’ll make you… understand… I am… like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.


[User]
Sasha: "Ooh! [picks up train whistle]"
Michael: "Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I’m the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I’m sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?"
Sasha: "Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously]"

[Assistant] Michael: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu…camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]


[User]
Dwight: "[plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat… a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid.  This is a very special story, it’s called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs— are you listening, Sasha? Right? And ‘ere they dream when he’s about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!"
Michael: "Dwight! Dwight!"
Dwight: "There’s a photo…"

[Assistant] Michael: What the hell are you reading to them?


[User]
Dwight: "There’s a photo…"
Michael: "What the hell are you reading to them?"
Dwight: "These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these—"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don’t want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.


[User]
Dwight: "[standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement…"
Michael: "Don’t!"
Dwight: "…from the 1930’s…"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of— you know what? They’re going to have nightmares, so why don’t you just shut it?


[User]
Dwight: "…from the 1930’s…"
Michael: "Don’t! Don’t! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of— you know what? They’re going to have nightmares, so why don’t you just shut it?"
Dwight: "I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighing] Why don’t you just leave? Okay?


[User]
Toby: "Believe me, she has enough toys… she doesn’t need your watch."
Michael: "Thank you."
Toby: "Is everything okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.


[User]
Toby: "Is everything okay?"
Michael: "You have to ask me that because you work for human resources."
Toby: "Uh… it’s true…"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s more to life than notches just on my bedpost.


[User]
Pam: "Happy birthday Michael."
Michael: "Oh ho ho! What?"
Pam: "I said happy birthday."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you! That’s really nice.


[User]
Dwight: "Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!"
Michael: "Ohh, god."
Dwight: "Birthday hug!"

[Assistant] Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please.


[User]
Dwight: "Birthday hug!"
Michael: "No no no, no, new suit, please."
Dwight: "That suit is amazing."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually— no, Bulgaria.


[User]
Dwight: "That suit is amazing."
Michael: "Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually— no, Bulgaria."
Dwight: "Mmm. Maybe I should get one."

[Assistant] Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.


[User]
Dwight: "Mmm. Maybe I should get one."
Michael: "Good luck. One of a kind."
Dwight: "Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?"

[Assistant] Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it.  They’ve been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.


[User]
Dwight: "Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?"
Michael: "Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it.  They’ve been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday."
Dwight: "Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the…"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t! Nope! Please, don’t want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.


[User]
Dwight: "Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the…"
Michael: "Don’t! Nope! Please, don’t want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise."
Dwight: "Let’s get the party started. [Begins ‘raising the roof’]"

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s get the party started.  Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]


[User]
Jan: "Hello, Michael."
Michael: "Hey, you."
Jan: "I’m… returning your call, you said it was urgent."

[Assistant] Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.


[User]
Jan: "I’m… returning your call, you said it was urgent."
Michael: "It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday."
Jan: "Well, today’s not my birthday, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Really? ‘Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.


[User]
Jan: "…Happy birthday, Michael."
Michael: "Thanks. [grins]"
Jan: "Am I on camera?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]


[User]
Toby: "Who brought in donuts?"
Michael: "Somebody got donuts for my birthday!"
Toby: "Happy birthday!"

[Assistant] Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.


[User]
Toby: "Happy birthday!"
Michael: "You didn’t know it was my birthday."
Toby: "I… guess I forgot."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].


[User]
Delivery Woman: "Hi, delivery for Michael Scott."
Michael: "Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman’s pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a… is that alright?"
Delivery Woman: "Uh… s-sure."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughing] Okay. I’m so nervous.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s ‘For the Longest Time,’ by William Joel. It’s you favorite song."
Michael: "Yeah, well, it’s on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything."
Dwight: "I probably care more than she does."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re making it worse. I bet Luke Perry’s friends don’t treat him like this [points to James Dean poster].