[User]
Dwight: "Happy birth moment, Michael."
Michael: "Thank you."
Dwight: "One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]"

[Assistant] Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it… please.


[User]
Dwight: "Here they come."
Michael: "Get in here… everybody."
Dwight: "Come and get it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.


[User]
Kevin: "Hello? Hey."
Michael: "Kevin? Respect the birthday please."
Kevin: "No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you done? …Good. Okay.


[User]
Dwight: "Here we go. Make a wish."
Michael: "Uhhh… blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm… [blows out the candles]"
Dwight: "Yaoo yay! [claps]"

[Assistant] Michael: … I asked for trick candles.


[User]
Dwight: "Yaoo yay! [claps]"
Michael: "… I asked for trick candles."
Dwight: "Pam was supposed to get ’em."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we’ll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven’t had a hug all day.


[User]
Kevin: "Still scary."
Michael: "Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is."
Kevin: "Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine."

[Assistant] Michael: And laughter… also.


[User]
Toby: "I don’t really think people are in the laughing mood."
Michael: "Why are you here? I didn’t even invite you to my birthday party."
Toby: "I work here."

[Assistant] Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn’t speak for everybody and I am your boss, I… think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.


[User]
Kevin: "I can’t relax about it, you know?"
Michael: "Kevin. You heard anything yet?"
Kevin: "No, not yet."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong.


[User]
Carol: "Uhh, no, I… don’t just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson."
Michael: "Oh, these… all your kids?"
Carol: "No just the front two."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?


[User]
Dwight: "Turn it around. Turn it around."
Michael: "Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight."
Dwight: "Number one!!"

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you… Dwight. That’s great. Thanks.


[User]
Dwight: "Let’s get the party started."
Michael: "That’s not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]"
Dwight: "Michael’s birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he’s also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he’s ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it’s my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, here’s the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, “Hey, it’s my birthday. Celebrate me.” A great boss will say, “Hey, it’s my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.”


[User]
Ryan: "I won’t."
Michael: "Good. Great."
Ryan: "Okay, good. I think I’m gonna go."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I think you’re gonna stay.


[User]
Ryan: "Hey. I got the information."
Michael: "Oh, good. Okay. Don’t tell me, tell them."
Ryan: "[turns to camera] “The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God. That’s a piece of cake. That’s a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that’s good.


[User]
Ryan: "[turns to camera] “The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.”"
Michael: "Oh, my God. That’s a piece of cake. That’s a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that’s good."
Ryan: "[looking at camera] “There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry.


[User]
Ryan: "[looking at camera] “There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.”"
Michael: "Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry."
Ryan: "“For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and…”"

[Assistant] Michael: Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, “I have cancer.”


[User]
Ryan: "“For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and…”"
Michael: "Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, “I have cancer.”"
Ryan: "“The skin is the largest organ of the body.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.


[User]
Dwight: "Well, you have…"
Michael: "Uuf, well…"
Dwight: "…because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have…"

[Assistant] Michael: [shakes head] Okay…


[User]
Dwight: "…because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have…"
Michael: "[shakes head] Okay…"
Dwight: "…and I am very proud of being a narc."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where’s my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, ’cause I was half-baked. Smokin’ doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin’ doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!


[User]
Dwight: "No you can’t do that."
Michael: "I can do that, it is my office."
Dwight: "No you cannot. It has to be official, and it"

[Assistant] Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great.


[User]
Stanley: "Where did you get these facts?"
Michael: "Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?"
Stanley: "They are not."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?


[User]
Stanley: "They are not."
Michael: "Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?"
Stanley: "No, I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week.  For the antioxidants."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?


[User]
Toby: "Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael."
Michael: "Yes it is."
Toby: "No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.


[User]
Toby: "No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors."
Michael: "Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair."
Toby: "You can’t do that."

[Assistant] Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.


[User]
Toby: "You can’t do that."
Michael: "I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly."
Toby: "That’s not random."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random.  Okay, you know what? I’m going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one.  Yeah, Pam.


[User]
Pam: "I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs."
Michael: "Really? [Jim shakes his head no]"
Pam: "Uh, hmmm."

[Assistant] Michael: Jim it’s okay. You can t… [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It’s okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he’s doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It’s okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths “I can’t” and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well.


[User]
Pam: "Uh, hmmm."
Michael: "Jim it’s okay. You can t… [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It’s okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he’s doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It’s okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths “I can’t” and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well."
Pam: "Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that."

[Assistant] Michael: The point I’m trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don’t quite hate ’em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.


[User]
Dwight: "No, you will be tested."
Michael: "Yes, I will not be."
Dwight: "You will be. That is the law according to the rules."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I’ve been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn’t planning on going to the bathroom and I don’t even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m all better."
Michael: "So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done."
Dwight: "What kind of filing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just forget it.  Just the urine.


[User]
Dwight: "What kind of filing?"
Michael: "Just forget it.  Just the urine."
Dwight: "That goes directly to the tester."

[Assistant] Michael: Just. I need your urine.


[User]
Dwight: "That goes directly to the tester."
Michael: "Just. I need your urine."
Dwight: "Like in a cup?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes in a cup, we’re not animals, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "Like in a cup?"
Michael: "Yes in a cup, we’re not animals, Dwight."
Dwight: "For what purpose?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s none of your business.


[User]
Dwight: "For what purpose?"
Michael: "It’s none of your business."
Dwight: "Then I refuse."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.


[User]
Dwight: "Then I refuse."
Michael: "Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring."
Dwight: "Are you serious?"

[Assistant] Michael: I need clean urine for the lady.


[User]
Dwight: "Are you serious?"
Michael: "I need clean urine for the lady."
Dwight: "But that’s illegal."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes


[User]
Dwight: "But that’s illegal."
Michael: "Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes"
Dwight: "Not my urine."

[Assistant] Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.


[User]
Dwight: "Not my urine."
Michael: "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens."
Dwight: "Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, just look. Look. Just… just fill up the cup.


[User]
Dwight: "[salutes] Thank you, Michael."
Michael: "No. Oh. Uh…[awkwardly salutes]"
Dwight: "I need to go over some details with you."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you.


[User]
Ryan: "Thank you."
Michael: "That is… who makes that?"
Ryan: "Um, I don’t…"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?


[User]
Toby: "Well, good.  We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]"
Michael: "Are those all the other complains?"
Toby: "Mmm-Hm."

[Assistant] Michael: I would like to see those please.


[User]
Toby: "Mmm-Hm."
Michael: "I would like to see those please."
Toby: "I… I can’t do that."

[Assistant] Michael: You can’t do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.


[User]
Toby: "I… I can’t do that."
Michael: "You can’t do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file."
Toby: "That… [shakes head and places hand over the file]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby’s resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right… is that it?


[User]
Pam: "[notices Angela’s intense concern] Um… let’s move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?"
Michael: "All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let’s do it! And [looks through the file]… okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next."
Pam: "Wait, what did it say?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh… [reading]”Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn’t she do that at home?” [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don’t we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?


[User]
Pam: "Wait, what did it say?"
Michael: "Uh… [reading]”Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn’t she do that at home?” [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don’t we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?"
Pam: "I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I’ve been really nice to her… and I haven’t told anyone. And what the hell?!"

[Assistant] Michael: “Ryan never returns my calls.” Ugh, join the club.


[User]
Phyllis: "I guess so…"
Michael: "Okay, well… all settled, then."
Phyllis: "[whispering to Angela] I don’t like you."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, Ryan.  You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?


[User]
Dwight: "Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years."
Michael: "Mm-hmm."
Dwight: "I deserve this. You know I do!"

[Assistant] Michael: [picks up Dwight’s I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you’re a security threat?


[User]
Jim: "[laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it."
Michael: "[reading] “This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” [flips to another paper] “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.”  Gah. “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”"
Jim: "That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just… took ’em all out."

[Assistant] Michael: [reading] “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers’.”


[User]
Jim: "That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just… took ’em all out."
Michael: "[reading] “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers’.”"
Jim: "Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though."

[Assistant] Michael: “By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”


[User]
Jim: "Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though."
Michael: "“By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”"
Jim: "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day."

[Assistant] Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I’ve never had one. They sound awful.


[User]
Dwight: "So, you going to transfer Jim or not?"
Michael: "Maybe, I haven’t decided yet. Let’s get to work."
Dwight: "I want an answer by tomorrow."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Oh… actually, tomorrow’s not good. How about later in the week?


[User]
Photographer: "I can’t. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos."
Michael: "Well… that’s… what, a computer camera, right?"
Photographer: "You mean digital?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’ll take like two seconds.


[User]
Photographer: "You mean digital?"
Michael: "It’ll take like two seconds."
Photographer: "20 bucks."

[Assistant] Michael: Ugh… All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter.


[User]
Photographer: "One, two, three… smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile."
Michael: "We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts."
Photographer: "Alright, I’m just gonna take it on three…  whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]"

[Assistant] Michael: Good, let’s check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We’ll take one more.


[User]
Jim: "I… I didn’t know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting."
Michael: "[off camera] Okay, good. Check that out."
Jim: "You know, it was one day."

[Assistant] Michael: [off camera] That’s terrible.


[User]
Jan: "I thought that you were their fearless leader."
Michael: "I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez."
Jan: "[laughs] I think you can handle it."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, come on. Come on.


[User]
Jan: "[laughs] I think you can handle it."
Michael: "Oh, come on. Come on."
Jan: "I think so, Michael…"

[Assistant] Michael: You know, it’d be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.


[User]
Jan: "I think so, Michael…"
Michael: "You know, it’d be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break."
Jan: "Goodbye, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we’ve remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.


[User]
Oscar: "Again? We do that every year."
Michael: "Well, they need our money. They don’t have cookies like the Girl Scouts."
Oscar: "It’d be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don’t like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.


[User]
Darryl: "Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse."
Michael: "It’s Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place."
Darryl: "Except my warehouse."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, actually, it’s my warehouse.


[User]
Dwight: "Actually, it’s owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease."
Michael: "Why are you here?"
Dwight: "When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection."

[Assistant] Michael: Not. I said, not that.


[User]
Pam: "Carol Stills."
Michael: "Do I know a Carol Stills?"
Pam: "Your realtor."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it


[User]
Carol: "[on phone] Hello, Michael?"
Michael: "Hi, Carol. How you doing?"
Carol: "I’m great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.


[User]
Carol: "I’m great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance."
Michael: "Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place."
Carol: "Oh, great."

[Assistant] Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It’s okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.


[User]
Carol: "Oh, great."
Michael: "Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It’s okay. At Christmas, the tree helped."
Carol: "Oh, good, I’m glad. Can I drop it over later?"

[Assistant] Michael: Actually, I’m sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.


[User]
Carol: "Oh, good, I’m glad. Can I drop it over later?"
Michael: "Actually, I’m sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night."
Carol: "Oh, great."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, it’ll be good. You know what? Why don’t you come by? Bring the papers, I’ll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.


[User]
Carol: "Oh, great."
Michael: "Yeah, it’ll be good. You know what? Why don’t you come by? Bring the papers, I’ll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink."
Carol: "To the casino thing?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. It’ll be fun. What do you…[phone rings] What do you…


[User]
Jan: "Okay, then. I will see you tonight."
Michael: "Okay, sounds great."
Jan: "Bye-bye."

[Assistant] Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just…


[User]
Carol: "I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn’t be a problem."
Michael: "Problem. Good."
Carol: "And I’ll bring the papers, too."

[Assistant] Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great.


[User]
Billy: "That’s my girlfriend."
Michael: "Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet."
Billy: "She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili’s. She was my waitress."

[Assistant] Michael: Chili’s is great.


[User]
Toby: "I’ll call."
Michael: "What are… That’s insane."
Toby: "I have good cards."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn’t that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don’t be stupid. Just take it back.


[User]
Dealer: "No, I’m sorry. He can’t, sir. He’s gone all-in."
Michael: "Okay, all right, whatever."
Dealer: "Flip them."

[Assistant] Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]


[User]
Jan: "So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud."
Michael: "Thank you."
Jan: "And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming.


[User]
Dwight: "The planet Caprica."
Michael: "Where the hell is that?"
Dwight: "It’s from Battlestar Galactica."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, all right.


[User]
Toby: "I mean for real."
Michael: "Yeah, I know."
Toby: "No, I mean he’s attracted to other men."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, a little too far, crossed the line.


[User]
Toby: "No, I mean he’s attracted to other men."
Michael: "OK, a little too far, crossed the line."
Toby: "OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual.  Yeah, he told me this morning.  And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion."

[Assistant] Michael: I would have never called him that if I knew.  You don’t… You don’t call retarded people “retards”.  It’s bad taste.  You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded.  And I consider Oscar a friend.


[User]
Dwight: "Absolutely not."
Michael: "Well, he"
Dwight: "Well, he’s not dressed in women’s clothes, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: [deep sigh] There could be others…  I need to know.  I don’t want to offend anybody else.


[User]
Dwight: "Well, he’s not dressed in women’s clothes, so…"
Michael: "[deep sigh] There could be others…  I need to know.  I don’t want to offend anybody else."
Dwight: "You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I’m sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.


[User]
Dwight: "I really don’t think so."
Michael: "I don’t know, I can imagine her with another woman, can’t you?"
Dwight: "[creepy smile]"

[Assistant] Michael: Do some research.  Find out if there’s a way to tell by just looking at them.


[User]
Dwight: "[creepy smile]"
Michael: "Do some research.  Find out if there’s a way to tell by just looking at them."
Dwight: "Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s ridiculous.


[User]
Dwight: "Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online."
Michael: "That’s ridiculous."
Dwight: "Yeah probably.  He didn’t tell the truth a lot."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Let’s call him and get the website.


[User]
Jan: "No, it’s not possible."
Michael: "Anything’s possible."
Jan: "You know, imagine… you were gay."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Well, I’m not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!


[User]
Jan: "You know, imagine… you were gay."
Michael: "[laughs] Well, I’m not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!"
Jan: "Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now.  Do you understand?"

[Assistant] Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.


[User]
Phyllis: "No, you knew me in high school.  Course, we all thought you were gay in high school."
Michael: "[laughing] Right!  [serious] And I take that as a compliment."
Phyllis: "Well with your ties and your matching socks and —"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I just like to look good OK, so —


[User]
Oscar: "I don’t think I can work here any longer.  This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life."
Michael: "You misunderstand– OK.  You know what, OK.  I uh, I’m gonna put my money where my mouth is.  You ready?  I am going to embrace Oscar.  You might want to watch this Angela, because you can’t catch anything.  Here we go.  We are going to make a statement.  You and I are going to make a statement together.  Oscar is my friend —"
Oscar: "I would rather not."

[Assistant] Michael: …and I just don’t care who sees it, doesn’t bother me!


[User]
Oscar: "I would rather not."
Michael: "…and I just don’t care who sees it, doesn’t bother me!"
Oscar: "No, NO!  I don’t want to touch you, ever consider that?  You’re ignorant, and insulting, and small!"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, um… sorry.


[User]
Oscar: "No, NO!  I don’t want to touch you, ever consider that?  You’re ignorant, and insulting, and small!"
Michael: "All right, um… sorry."
Oscar: "Michael… I’m sorry.  That was a good idea.  Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug]"

[Assistant] Michael: [sobbing] I’m sorry I called you faggie.  You’re not faggie.  You’re a a good guy.


[User]
Jan: "[on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?"
Michael: "I will do my job to the best of my abilities."
Jan: "[under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically."

[Assistant] Michael: I will do my


[User]
Jan: "[on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?"
Michael: "[quietly] No."
Jan: "Well, I know sometimes you are and… that you wouldn’t tell me, so I’m just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you’re finished."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]


[User]
Pam: "No, I didn’t."
Michael: "I, uh… I am going to be a father."
Pam: "What was Oprah about?"

[Assistant] Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.


[User]
Pam: "Or not adopt."
Michael: "Just do it, okay?"
Pam: "Roy’s sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars."

[Assistant] Michael: Um… find out if there’s a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?


[User]
Kelly: "Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power."
Michael: "Sleep with who? Whom, whom… whom?"
Kelly: "My neighbor Alan. They’re going on a date tonight."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.


[User]
Josh: "Hey, Michael."
Michael: "Hey, Josh, how ya doing?"
Josh: "Pretty good."

[Assistant] Michael: Good to see you. There he is! There’s the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product… the progidal… my son returns.


[User]
Jan: "What are you talking about?"
Michael: "The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I’m still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention."
Jan: "Step away from me, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.


[User]
Dwight: "This party is going to be awesome."
Michael: "I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic."
Dwight: "Check it out."

[Assistant] Michael: That is crooked on that side.


[User]
Jerome Bettis: "Thanks. I appreciate it, guys."
Michael: "You know what? I’m having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come."
Jerome Bettis: "All right, maybe. If I can."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, cool! Okay, so… can I tell people you’re gonna be there?


[User]
Jerome Bettis: "All right, maybe. If I can."
Michael: "Well, cool! Okay, so… can I tell people you’re gonna be there?"
Jerome Bettis: "No, you cannot."

[Assistant] Michael: So maybe. See ya.


[User]
Jim: "Oh yeah?"
Michael: "Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk."
Jim: "Oh, tell him I say hi."

[Assistant] Michael: I will call him later with that message.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, tell him I say hi."
Michael: "I will call him later with that message."
Jim: "Hey, how is… Toby?"

[Assistant] Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?


[User]
Jim: "Hey, how is… Toby?"
Michael: "Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?"
Jim: "Oh, no, it was… you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to…"

[Assistant] Michael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.


[User]
Jan: "What have you generated, Michael?"
Michael: "I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening."
Jan: "What party?"

[Assistant] Michael: The party I’m having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.


[User]
Josh: "Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now."
Michael: "Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton."
Josh: "I don’t think so."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.


[User]
Josh: "I don’t think so."
Michael: "Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend."
Josh: "Fine! All right."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay! Excellent. Oh…


[User]
Guy: "I thought there was a party in here."
Michael: "This is the party."
Guy: "This is room 308?"

[Assistant] Michael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right.


[User]
Jim: "Wait, wait. I didn’t transfer because of you. You’re a good boss. You’re a great boss."
Michael: "I’m not better than Josh."
Jim: "Michael, it’s not about… I transferred because of Pam."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God. You don’t even know. She’s single now.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, it’s not about… I transferred because of Pam."
Michael: "Oh my God. You don’t even know. She’s single now."
Jim: "No, I just… I heard something about that. It’s just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.


[User]
Dwight: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."
Michael: "Whoa. What are those stains?"
Dwight: "Blood, urine, or semen."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, God, I hope it’s urine.


[User]
Ryan: "[reading checklist] Fun jeans."
Michael: "[points to door] Right there."
Ryan: "Fourth quarter projections for Jan?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me.


[User]
Ryan: "Fourth quarter projections for Jan?"
Michael: "Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me."
Ryan: "Will do."

[Assistant] Michael: Sure you don’t want to come?


[User]
Dwight: "What would you have done? Been manager?"
Michael: "I was going to be a bottle capper."
Dwight: "You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief]"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world.


[User]
Jan: "Hello? [Angela coughs and points to the conference room]"
Michael: "[Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan!  Hope you brought the Milk Duds!"
Jan: "How would a movie increase productivity Michael?  How on earth would it do that?"

[Assistant] Michael: People work faster after…


[User]
Dwight: "No thanks I’m stuffed."
Michael: "No seriously.  You should have an M&M, they’re really good."
Dwight: "…ok. [takes and eats several M&M’s]"

[Assistant] Michael: They’re good, huh?


[User]
Dwight: "…ok. [takes and eats several M&M’s]"
Michael: "They’re good, huh?"
Dwight: "…so good."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey.  I thought you weren’t supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you’ve had a crown put in.


[User]
Dwight: "…so good."
Michael: "Hey.  I thought you weren’t supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you’ve had a crown put in."
Dwight: "They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: Sounds like a good dentist.


[User]
Dwight: "They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so…"
Michael: "Sounds like a good dentist."
Dwight: "Oh, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: What’s his name?


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, yeah."
Michael: "What’s his name?"
Dwight: "[long pause] Crentist."

[Assistant] Michael: Your dentist’s name is Crentist.


[User]
Dwight: "Maybe that’s why he became a dentist."
Michael: "Let me see your teeth.  Let me see ’em.  Let me see ’em."
Dwight: "[reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside]  Ahh.  Aaaah."

[Assistant] Michael: You should… floss.


[User]
Dwight: "[reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside]  Ahh.  Aaaah."
Michael: "You should… floss."
Dwight: "I know…"

[Assistant] Michael: [exhales] Well then… I am glad you’re ok.


[User]
Dwight: "I can’t believe this news.  That— wow."
Michael: "I know.  I told her I didn’t know whether you’d wanna do it… because you’ve always been so loyal to me.  You’ve been my most trusted ally."
Dwight: "You said that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yep, I did.  I did.  But I think… you should do it.


[User]
Dwight: "You said that?"
Michael: "Yep, I did.  I did.  But I think… you should do it."
Dwight: "Well… Gosh, if you think I should.  Then I will."

[Assistant] Michael: [exhales] Perfect, well, we’re settled.


[User]
Dwight: "Well… Gosh, if you think I should.  Then I will."
Michael: "[exhales] Perfect, well, we’re settled."
Dwight: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: All right.  Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I… am assistant regional manager.


[User]
Stanley: "But… why Dwight?"
Michael: "Because, Dwight… never lies."
Stanley: "How does that qualify him to run a branch?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because that’s all it takes.


[User]
Kevin: "Do you have any savings?"
Michael: "No, no, I don’t, but—"
Kevin: "Michael, you might lose your condo."

[Assistant] Michael: I… won’t.   I won’t.


[User]
Dwight: "Not my style."
Michael: "But you said you liked it.  You’ve always admired it."
Dwight: "Well that was before.  I’m thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage.  Plus, that convertible, it’s a ridiculous choice for this climate."

[Assistant] Michael: [Michael finally breaks] Take it back.


[User]
Dwight: "Well that was before.  I’m thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage.  Plus, that convertible, it’s a ridiculous choice for this climate."
Michael: "[Michael finally breaks] Take it back."
Dwight: "[confused] No."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s my car.


[User]
Dwight: "[confused] No."
Michael: "That’s my car."
Dwight: "What did you—"

[Assistant] Michael: THAT’S MY CAR.


[User]
Dwight: "I think the Sebring’s cool.  It’s cool.  The Seabring’s cool.  It has a cassette and it has a CD."
Michael: "Oh do you?  Do you like the Sebring— HOW DARE YOU?!  How dare you, Dwight?"
Dwight: "[Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don’t fire me.  Please."

[Assistant] Michael: Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!


[User]
Dwight: "[Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don’t fire me.  Please."
Michael: "Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!"
Dwight: "[terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!"

[Assistant] Michael: Not.  Good.  Enough!


[User]
Dwight: "[terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!"
Michael: "Not.  Good.  Enough!"
Dwight: "[sobbing] I’ll do anything!  Anything!  I’ll do your laundry for a month!  For a year!"

[Assistant] Michael: I have a laundry machine!


[User]
Dwight: "[sobbing] I’ll do anything!  Anything!  I’ll do your laundry for a month!  For a year!"
Michael: "I have a laundry machine!"
Dwight: "I’m sorry!  I’ll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying]"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m sorry!  I’ll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying]"
Michael: "I don’t know if I can trust you anymore."
Dwight: "You can’t.  You can’t.  But I promise I’ll never betray you again.  What can I do, Michael.  What can I do?  [Michael exhales]  What can I do?  [Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air] What can I do?  What can I do?"

[Assistant] Michael: You can get up.  Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch.  [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace]


[User]
Dwight: "Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay?"
Michael: "It is not your business, Dwight."
Dwight: "If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do."

[Assistant] Michael: What do you know about management, Dwight?


[User]
Dwight: "If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do."
Michael: "What do you know about management, Dwight?"
Dwight: "I know that we need to cut costs.  We could fire Meredith. That’s a big cost."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not firing anyone.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?"
Michael: "Don’t mind if I do.  See you in a minute.  [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley’s desk]"
Dwight: "Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!"

[Assistant] Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.


[User]
Pam: "Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?"
Michael: "There’s coffee in the kitchen, Pam."
Pam: "But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better."

[Assistant] Michael: [breathless] All right.  Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]


[User]
Creed: "It’s a real shame about Ed, huh?"
Michael: "Yeah.  Must really have you thinkin’."
Creed: "About what?"

[Assistant] Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you’re gonna die.  You knew that.


[User]
Dwight: "Ed was decapitated."
Michael: "What are you doing?"
Dwight: "You said you didn’t know how to say it."

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t… he was driving on the road and he went under a truck.  And that’s when his head was separated from the rest of him.  And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.


[User]
Jan: "[on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael.  I really do.  So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?"
Michael: "You really don’t get it, do you?  You don’t understand these people.  That is the last thing that they would want is a day off."
Jan: "Well, what would you suggest?"

[Assistant] Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue.


[User]
Jan: "[scoffs] I’m not sure that’s realistic."
Michael: "Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him."
Jan: "No, that’s not—"

[Assistant] Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move…


[User]
Jan: "You know what, Michael?  I’ve really tried with you today…"
Michael: "Mm hm."
Jan: "…and I have to get back to work."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh do you?  You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.


[User]
Jan: "…and I have to get back to work."
Michael: "Oh do you?  You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck."
Jan: "So call me when you feel like having a real conversation."

[Assistant] Michael: But Ed truck can’t because he is—


[User]
Stanley: "We do not wanna hear about this."
Michael: "Well, you know what?  I didn’t wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can’t stop picturing it.  He leaves work, he’s on his way home… wham!  His cappa is detated from his head!"
Stanley: "You have just spit on my face."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you know what?  There’s something wrong with you.  There is something wrong with everybody in here.  Because we have lost a member of our family and you don’t wanna talk about it, you don’t wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!


[User]
Stanley: "[throwing ball back] Nope."
Michael: "[returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley.  Come on.  Your turn, you have to go."
Stanley: "I will NOT. [throws ball back]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay… I’m going to toss the ball to Pam.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael.   Michael …"
Michael: "[seeing bird] Oh, God!"
Dwight: "[in disgust] Oh…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God!  Oh my God, come on …


[User]
Dwight: "[in disgust] Oh…"
Michael: "Oh my God!  Oh my God, come on …"
Dwight: "Poor little fella."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh shhhh–oot!


[User]
Dwight: "Poor little fella."
Michael: "Oh shhhh–oot!"
Dwight: "He is a goner."

[Assistant] Michael: No, he’s not.


[User]
Dwight: "[trying to shove bird into a can] Argh… gah!"
Michael: "What are… What are you doing?"
Dwight: "What?  No, this is about the right size."

[Assistant] Michael: No, God, no it’s not!  What is the matter with you?  Is that the beak!?


[User]
Jan: "[on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend."
Michael: "Oh, wow. He…"
Jan: "Yeah. And I know… I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know."

[Assistant] Michael: Does his family know?


[User]
Jan: "Yeah. And I know… I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know."
Michael: "Does his family know?"
Jan: "Yes, they know, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: But I’m the first in the office?


[User]
Jan: "Yes, they know, Michael."
Michael: "But I’m the first in the office?"
Jan: "I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that…


[User]
Kevin: "May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there’s, like, two pieces of him."
Michael: "You think that’s funny."
Kevin: "No. [chuckles]"

[Assistant] Michael: You are disgusting.


[User]
Toby: "Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I’m always available if anyone would like to talk."
Michael: "Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I’ve ever met."
Toby: "Michael, I’m sorry…"

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We’re gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we’re going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?


[User]
Jan: "I don’t care how your day was Michael."
Michael: "Wow. Well. Ok. I don’t care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?"
Jan: "Tell me what you did yesterday."

[Assistant] Michael: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?


[User]
Kelly: "Because they acted all tough and everything…"
Michael: "Uh huh."
Kelly: "But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to…"

[Assistant] Michael: [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?


[User]
Stanley: "No way."
Michael: "Get in the back please."
Stanley: "Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line."

[Assistant] Michael: Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five’s Stanley]. That’s right.


[User]
Pam: "Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks."
Michael: "I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You’re an angel."
Pam: "Hey, why don’t you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I’ll just bring you a pretzel."

[Assistant] Michael: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.


[User]
Pam: "Hey, why don’t you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I’ll just bring you a pretzel."
Michael: "Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown."
Pam: "You know, I just think it’s really important that you be productive today."

[Assistant] Michael: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I’ll be back.


[User]
Pretzel Guy: "We do."
Michael: "Thank God."
Pretzel Guy: "And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M’s, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar."

[Assistant] Michael: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?


[User]
Pretzel Guy: "And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M’s, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar."
Michael: "Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?"
Pretzel Guy: "The Works. You got it."

[Assistant] Michael: All right! Thank you!


[User]
Pam: "These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?"
Michael: "Oh. Koselli. With the Jello."
Pam: "This is a huge sale."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. Right. Good.


[User]
Jan: "What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time."
Michael: "Well, that’s really not the way I roll, because sometimes I’m in the zone, and sometimes I’m in the zoning out."
Jan: "Zoning out?"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I’ll do it.


[User]
Jan: "Zoning out?"
Michael: "Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I’ll do it."
Jan: "If you can account for your time…"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, big if.


[User]
Jan: "If you can account for your time…"
Michael: "Yes, big if."
Jan: "…then maybe corporate can justify your salary."

[Assistant] Michael: A woman spurned.


[User]
Dwight: "Take a good look at this boy…"
Michael: "I always do."
Dwight: "…because you are never going to see him again."

[Assistant] Michael: If you lay a finger…


[User]
Dwight: "…because you are never going to see him again."
Michael: "If you lay a finger…"
Dwight: "Today is Ryan’s first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man."

[Assistant] Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.


[User]
Stanley: "There’s four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough."
Michael: "What makes them so good?"
Stanley: "I do not know."

[Assistant] Michael: I mean, they’re just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.


[User]
Dwight: "I see dead people."
Michael: "Okay. Spoiler… alert."
Dwight: "He was dead the whole time."

[Assistant] Michael: Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What’s the… oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from?


[User]
Carol: "[wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party!"
Michael: "[points at woman] What does that look like to you?"
Carol: "An Indian woman in a sari."

[Assistant] Michael: No one’s even going to notice.


[User]
Carol: "What? Too spicy?"
Michael: "No. These s’mores are disgusting."
Carol: "They’re not s’mores. They’re samosas."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you think they have any s’mores?


[User]
Carol: "Oh, Michael."
Michael: "What do you say?"
Carol: "Can we talk about this in private?"

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t hear you. [laughs]


[User]
Carol: "Can we talk about this in private?"
Michael: "I didn’t hear you. [laughs]"
Carol: "[louder] Can we talk about this in private?"

[Assistant] Michael: [lowers microphone] Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Okay.


[User]
Pam: "Uh… no."
Michael: "Wow. Pam. When Carol said ‘No.’ tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements."
Pam: "Well, you were never really engaged."

[Assistant] Michael: I was in that marriage arena, though.


[User]
Pam: "I kind of thought something would happen tonight too."
Michael: "We’re so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]"
Pam: "What are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: What are you doing?


[User]
Pam: "What are you doing?"
Michael: "What are you doing?"
Pam: "I’m rejecting your…"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m… what? I didn’t


[User]
Kelly: "Um, well, basically, it’s like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there’s a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?"
Michael: "Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less."
Kelly: "Like, an Indian Halloween?"

[Assistant] Michael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?


[User]
Jan: "Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?"
Michael: "Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party."
Jan: "What is Diwali?"

[Assistant] Michael: What is Diwali?


[User]
Jan: "Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea."
Michael: "You do?"
Jan: "Yes, of course. It’s important to celebrate our company’s rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event—"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I dunno about that.


[User]
Jan: "Yes, of course. It’s important to celebrate our company’s rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event—"
Michael: "Oh, I dunno about that."
Jan: "—or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself."

[Assistant] Michael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much.


[User]
Jan: "I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch."
Michael: "I don’t understand."
Jan: "The board voted last night to close your branch."

[Assistant] Michael: On whom’s authority?


[User]
Jan: "I’m very sorry. I don’t relish telling you this. You’ve been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service."
Michael: "You’re welcome."
Jan: "A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages."

[Assistant] Michael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?


[User]
Jan: "A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages."
Michael: "Am I a small number person or a severance package person?"
Jan: "Well, we haven’t made final decisions about personnel yet. But you’re a severance package person."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh… [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don’t really get it ’cause we’re not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.


[User]
Jan: "It’s… it’s about talent."
Michael: "Oh, you gotta be… Josh?"
Jan: "Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company’s future."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?


[User]
Dwight: "Hey stranger."
Michael: "Don’t say that. That just sounds weird. Please."
Dwight: "Sorry. I just feel like we haven’t talked in awhile."

[Assistant] Michael: Well… we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work … while you still can.


[User]
Pam: "Are you okay?"
Michael: "Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life."
Pam: "What did Jan want?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can’t tell you, so…


[User]
Pam: "What did Jan want?"
Michael: "Nothing. Just checking in. I can’t tell you, so…"
Pam: "What can’t you tell me?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make?  We’ll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.


[User]
Toby: "Michael, uh… we shouldn’t be talking about this until all the decisions have been made."
Michael: "You knew about this all along, didn’t you?"
Toby: "Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you."

[Assistant] Michael: Traitor. You are a traitor.


[User]
Darryl: "Hey Mike."
Michael: "Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]"
Darryl: "Look, I heard about the office. Tough break."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know. Well, I’ll land on my feet. Don’t worry about me.


[User]
Darryl: "Look, I heard about the office. Tough break."
Michael: "I know, I know. Well, I’ll land on my feet. Don’t worry about me."
Darryl: "I wasn’t."

[Assistant] Michael: So, you’ll be okay too. You’re a warrior. You’re smart, capable. You’ll find something else and…


[User]
Dwight: "Yes? What is the meaning of this?"
Michael: "Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?"
Dwight: "Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It’s simple dollars and cents."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.


[User]
Dwight: "Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It’s simple dollars and cents."
Michael: "Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings."
Dwight: "Listen, Scott… we’re losing money, okay? It’s not a charity; it’s a business. And it’s a dying business."

[Assistant] Michael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop… stop it! Just, okay. He’s not going to say any of that.


[User]
Dwight: "Listen, Scott… we’re losing money, okay? It’s not a charity; it’s a business. And it’s a dying business."
Michael: "[no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop… stop it! Just, okay. He’s not going to say any of that."
Dwight: "[as himself] Whoa hey, why not?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because he’d be intimidated and I, just… let’s start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?


[User]
Dwight: "[referring to Michael’s ringing phone] who is it?"
Michael: "The office."
Dwight: "Gonna get it?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.


[User]
Dwight: "Nothing. [puts down binoculars]"
Michael: "What if this doesn’t work? What is the office actually goes under?"
Dwight: "Then it was an honor to have worked with you."

[Assistant] Michael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.


[User]
Dwight: "Then it was an honor to have worked with you."
Michael: "[pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go."
Dwight: "My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher."

[Assistant] Michael: That was hilarious. The foam …


[User]
Dwight: "My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher."
Michael: "That was hilarious. The foam …"
Dwight: "Uh,… my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, right. Okay, that’s enough. That’s good.


[User]
Dwight: "Uh,… my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me."
Michael: "Oh, right. Okay, that’s enough. That’s good."
Dwight: "What were your favorite moments?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.


[User]
Dwight: "Stranford is closed! Michael, we’re not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed."
Michael: "We did it? We did it."
Dwight: "We did it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight’s]


[User]
Dwight: "In your face!"
Michael: "We did it!"
Dwight: "Oh, man."

[Assistant] Michael: How did we do it?


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, man."
Michael: "How did we do it?"
Dwight: "I don’t … have no idea."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t understand.


[User]
Dwight: "…before noon…"
Michael: "I’m not…"
Dwight: "…to consolidate power."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not firing somebody on the first day.


[User]
Karen: "…to knit."
Michael: "Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader."
Karen: "Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?"

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm… dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?


[User]
Dwight: "We need to talk!"
Michael: "Not now."
Dwight: "Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?"

[Assistant] Michael: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.


[User]
Dwight: "Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?"
Michael: "I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale."
Dwight: "Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?"

[Assistant] Michael: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?"
Michael: "It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one."
Dwight: "Ok. Who reports to who?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t care! Dwight! You all report to me! That’s all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?


[User]
Dwight: "Ok. Who reports to who?"
Michael: "I don’t care! Dwight! You all report to me! That’s all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?"
Dwight: "And then if I want…"

[Assistant] Michael: Work it out amongst your selves!


[User]
Kelly: "Looks like salmon."
Michael: "Nope. Um… for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo."
Kelly: "I eat beef."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, then… consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.


[User]
Hannah: "Look what’s on his computer."
Michael: "What is that? A squid’s eye or…"
Hannah: "It’s my left breast."

[Assistant] Michael: How did you…


[User]
Andy: "[sings drum beat intro to ‘What is Love?’]"
Michael: "That’s it!"
Andy: "[sings] What is love?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, yes! Okay!


[User]
Andy: "[sings] What is love?"
Michael: "Yes, yes! Okay!"
Andy: "Baby, don’t hurt me."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, here we go.


[User]
Andy: "Baby, don’t hurt me!"
Michael: "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
Andy: "Whoa-oh-oh-oh"

[Assistant] Michael: Scuse me! Scuse me!


[User]
Andy: "Whoa-oh-oh-oh."
Michael: "You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why’s my nose so itchy!"
Andy: "Oh, probably because of all the nose candy."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.


[User]
Dwight: "Very funny, Michael!"
Michael: "Okay! Okay!"
Dwight: "Really funny, Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, all right, I’m on a roll.


[User]
Tony: "Uh… this is difficult, for me."
Michael: "I understand. We’re all friends."
Tony: "No. I mean I can’t physically. I can’t get on the table."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.


[User]
Tony: "No. I mean I can’t physically. I can’t get on the table."
Michael: "Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up."
Tony: "[starts to climb table]"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? I’ll help. I will…


[User]
Tony: "[starts to climb table]"
Michael: "You know what? I’ll help. I will…"
Tony: "No, please. No."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t be shy! Dwight! Let’s do this!


[User]
Dwight: "Do this. Come on. Ready?"
Michael: "Come on. We’re doing this thing! Let’s get up."
Dwight: "On three. One… two… three."

[Assistant] Michael: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I’m under this… I’m under this hock here. I don’t know what I’m grabbing here.


[User]
Tony: "All right. All right. Stop. Put me down."
Michael: "We’ve almost got it. Push it! Push it!"
Tony: "Let me go!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m right in your crack!


[User]
Tony: "Let me go!"
Michael: "I’m right in your crack!"
Tony: "Put me down right…"

[Assistant] Michael: Up and over.


[User]
Tony: "Put me down right…"
Michael: "Up and over."
Tony: "Put me down!"

[Assistant] Michael: Up and over.


[User]
Tony: "Put me down!"
Michael: "Up and over."
Tony: "Put me down right now!"

[Assistant] Michael: You’ve got it.


[User]
Tony: "Put me down right now!"
Michael: "You’ve got it."
Tony: "I’VE HAD ENOUGH!"

[Assistant] Michael: You’ve got it, you’ve got it.


[User]
Tony: "I’VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Michael: "You’ve got it, you’ve got it."
Tony: "PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!"

[Assistant] Michael: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.


[User]
Tony: "I have to go."
Michael: "I don’t understand."
Tony: "I was on the fence about this and… it’s just not a good fit."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, we’ll squeeze you in.


[User]
Tony: "I was on the fence about this and… it’s just not a good fit."
Michael: "Well, we’ll squeeze you in."
Tony: "I can’t work here. I have to quit."

[Assistant] Michael: You can’t quit! On the first day. That’s [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let’s talk about this. What happened? I mean, what… Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he’s… what?


[User]
Tony: "I can’t work here. I have to quit."
Michael: "You can’t quit! On the first day. That’s [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let’s talk about this. What happened? I mean, what… Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he’s… what?"
Tony: "No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It’s just your management style."

[Assistant] Michael: My management style? So… didn’t you think ‘Lazy Scranton’ was funny?


[User]
Tony: "No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It’s just your management style."
Michael: "My management style? So… didn’t you think ‘Lazy Scranton’ was funny?"
Tony: "No. Was it supposed to be funny?"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well, don’t bother quitting because you’re fired.


[User]
Tony: "No. Was it supposed to be funny?"
Michael: "Okay. Well, don’t bother quitting because you’re fired."
Tony: "Excuse me?"

[Assistant] Michael: You are fired! I’m sorry, but we don’t have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!


[User]
Tony: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "You are fired! I’m sorry, but we don’t have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!"
Tony: "But there’s nothing in my desk except coupons."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t try to apologize to me, man! It’s too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.


[User]
Dwight: "And I have to say your leadership…"
Michael: "Shut it…"
Dwight: "has brought…"

[Assistant] Michael: Shut it! That’s… [whispers to camera] suck up!


[User]
Dwight: "Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida."
Michael: "What are you talking about?"
Dwight: "[holds up piece of paper] It wasn’t clear on the Google Image search."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, just…


[User]
Dwight: "I had a tickle in my throat."
Michael: "[points at camera] They’re gonna have… You can’t say that, all right?"
Dwight: "I can’t say [clearinng throat noise]?"

[Assistant] Michael: [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight’s an idiot! Did you catch that or did… did the cough cover it?


[User]
Dwight: "I can’t say [clearinng throat noise]?"
Michael: "[clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight’s an idiot! Did you catch that or did… did the cough cover it?"
Dwight: "Sometimes it hurts Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: [cleaing throat] You’re a jerk. Dwight’s a jerk!


[User]
Hannah: "Thank youuu."
Michael: "Ohh. May I?"
Hannah: "Uh, sure!"

[Assistant] Michael: [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I’m a baby! I’m one of those babies from “Look Who’s Talking.” What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What’s a stapler!? I don’t even know, I’m a baby! Hey, Mom, I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.


[User]
Kevin: "Hmm. Martin?"
Michael: "Kuhhhh… you are such a racist."
Kevin: "Wait, why am I a racist?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because you think he’s black.


[User]
Kevin: "Wait, why am I a racist?"
Michael: "Because you think he’s black."
Kevin: "He is black… right? And…"

[Assistant] Michael: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.


[User]
Dwight: "I am cool."
Michael: "Okay, are you cool, really?"
Dwight: "I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m so cool. Tell me what is going on."

[Assistant] Michael: Um… Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!


[User]
Martin: "So… you all wanna know what I was in for?"
Michael: "No. That’s not cool. You don’t have to tell them."
Martin: "Um, I really don’t mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I… got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] That is awesome.


[User]
Martin: "Yeah, in the rec room."
Michael: "Ah. A ten inch black and white?"
Martin: "Actually, our TV was bigger than that one."

[Assistant] Michael: These people don’t realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.


[User]
Jim: "So, not prison."
Michael: "And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office."
Jim: "What’d you do, Prison Mike?"

[Assistant] Michael: I stole. … And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the… president’s son. And held him for ransom.


[User]
Jim: "What’d you do, Prison Mike?"
Michael: "I stole. … And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the… president’s son. And held him for ransom."
Jim: "That is… quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike."

[Assistant] Michael: And I nevah got caught, neither.


[User]
Toby: "Michael. Why’s everyone locked in the conference room?"
Michael: "They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt."
Toby: "Well, you’re going to have to let ’em out. Or… or I will."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.


[User]
Toby: "Well, you’re going to have to let ’em out. Or… or I will."
Michael: "Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so."
Toby: "You know they’re teasing you. I mean… obviously, this is… a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have… we have parties here. They’re teasing you. To be funny."

[Assistant] Michael: [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don’t you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!


[User]
Pam: "Can I help you, Michael?"
Michael: "I’m looking for the toy drive box."
Pam: "It’s behind you."

[Assistant] Michael: OK…  Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it’ll fit, with all these little knickknacks.


[User]
Carol: "[whispers] What?"
Michael: "Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]"
Carol: "Get outta here."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you get outta here.


[User]
Carol: "I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael’s office.]"
Michael: "Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp."
Carol: "What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo]"

[Assistant] Michael: That is my Christmas card. It’s a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings.


[User]
Carol: "But, um, I don’t know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don’t think things are going to work out with us."
Michael: "No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you’re not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica’s largest fresh water pool."
Carol: "What are you talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is.


[User]
Carol: "What are you talking about?"
Michael: "I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is."
Carol: "Oh, no. Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: And it’s all inclusive.


[User]
Stanley: "You can’t cancel a holiday."
Michael: "Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year’s."
Stanley: "What does that mean?"

[Assistant] Michael: Jim, take New Year’s away from Stanley.


[User]
Pam: "I know."
Michael: "It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms."
Pam: "OK, well, why are you laying like that?"

[Assistant] Michael: [moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?


[User]
Pam: "OK, well, why are you laying like that?"
Michael: "[moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?"
Pam: "Like what?"

[Assistant] Michael: Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?


[User]
Pam: "Like what?"
Michael: "Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?"
Pam: "Well.. um I, I don’t…"

[Assistant] Michael: And not that you didn’t want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I’m referring to?


[User]
Dwight: "Why don’t you just buy the whole song?"
Michael: "I don’t have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just… I just want a little taste of it."
Dwight: "Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars ’cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn’t that affect the final… How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie."

[Assistant] Michael: [singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again]


[User]
Ryan: "Ah man, I can’t."
Michael: "Why not?"
Ryan: "I’m not feeling so well. I’ve got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael feels Ryan’s forehead]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, feel better.


[User]
Dwight: "I can’t… I can’t here what you’re saying."
Michael: "Carol used to drink lattes."
Dwight: "[off screen at other end of table] What’re you talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: She would get this little foam mustache…


[User]
Dwight: "[off screen at other end of table] What’re you talking about?"
Michael: "She would get this little foam mustache…"
Dwight: "[still off screen] Carol had a mustache?"

[Assistant] Michael: And I used to say “Hey, got latte?” And she’d say, that’s not funny.


[User]
Dwight: "[still off screen] Carol had a mustache?"
Michael: "And I used to say “Hey, got latte?” And she’d say, that’s not funny."
Dwight: "[off screen] What are you guys talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: She totally got me. She understood that we didn’t have to laugh to enjoy —


[User]
Andy: "Cindy, Cindy."
Michael: "I don’t think… I love it!"
Andy: "I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. [Cindy laughs] C’mon, do it for Michael. He’s had a really long day."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughing] I don’t know what he’s doing.


[User]
Second Cindy: "That rocks."
Michael: "Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it’s yours."
Second Cindy: "Thanks! I, I wanna give you something."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That’s what she said.


[User]
Second Cindy: "I… We’re just gonna take off."
Michael: "I… you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica."
Second Cindy: "No… I have school. [leaves with other waitress and bicycle]"

[Assistant] Michael: You want help? OK… Merry Christmas.


[User]
Jim: "No. She wasn’t."
Michael: "How can you be sure?"
Jim: "Well, for starters, I’ve known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately [looks a watch] three hours ago."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t make fun… You’re making fun of me.


[User]
Jim: "You just had a rebound."
Michael: "I had rebound? Yeah."
Jim: "Yeah. Which, don’t get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it’s over, you’re left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart."

[Assistant] Michael: I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn’t score and I’m not sure who’s actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o.


[User]
Stanley: "Oh, Michael, I’m glad you’re here."
Michael: "Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too."
Stanley: "My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.


[User]
Stanley: "My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised."
Michael: "OK, well payroll is in charge of all that."
Stanley: "They said I should talk to you."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I’m gonna…


[User]
Stanley: "They said I should talk to you."
Michael: "Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I’m gonna…"
Stanley: "I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check."

[Assistant] Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers… mon.


[User]
Pam: "It’s kind of an impoverished country."
Michael: "Yeah… Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three."
Pam: "But you can’t today, we’re doing inventory."

[Assistant] Michael: Inventory’s at the end of December.


[User]
Pam: "But you can’t today, we’re doing inventory."
Michael: "Inventory’s at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn’t do it without you, so we postponed."

[Assistant] Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.


[User]
Packer: "Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked."
Michael: "Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay."
Packer: "You took the ice queen? I don’t buy it."

[Assistant] Michael: Well I’m looking at a photo, right now. And I’m telling ‘ya, could be in Maxim.


[User]
Packer: "Well, no. I got nothing."
Michael: "Check it again. Hit refresh."
Packer: "Yeah, Mike, still nothing."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at… [reading computer screen]


[User]
Packer: "Yeah, Mike, still nothing."
Michael: "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at… [reading computer screen]"
Packer: "Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?"

[Assistant] Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where’s Darryl?


[User]
Dwight: "What’s it of?"
Michael: "Not important."
Dwight: "Unless you’re willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, forget it.


[User]
Toby: "Hey I need to talk to you right now."
Michael: "Not now, not ever."
Toby: "About you and Jan."

[Assistant] Michael: Aww, none of your business.


[User]
Toby: "About you and Jan."
Michael: "Aww, none of your business."
Toby: "Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you’ve entered into an intimate relationship."

[Assistant] Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.


[User]
Toby: "Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you’ve entered into an intimate relationship."
Michael: "That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops."
Toby: "Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife… we don’t talk now."

[Assistant] Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.


[User]
Toby: "Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife… we don’t talk now."
Michael: "This is probably the icebreaker you need."
Toby: "You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR."

[Assistant] Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv.


[User]
Toby: "You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR."
Michael: "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv."
Toby: "All right, if you’re having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?


[User]
Pam: "[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it’s Jan on the phone for you."
Michael: "Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I’m not here. Tell… tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat."
Pam: "He’ll call you back. OK, great."

[Assistant] Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael’s office] There’s an emergency in the warehouse."
Michael: "There an accident? Somebody hurt?"
Dwight: "No, it’s… involves the photograph."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.


[User]
Roy: "[starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done."
Michael: "All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]"
Roy: "That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!"

[Assistant] Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman—


[User]
Pam: "What are you doing out here?"
Michael: "Island living. You know?"
Pam: "Jan called. She’s coming in later to talk to you."

[Assistant] Michael: Did she say what it’s about?


[User]
Jan: "I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means… lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself."
Michael: "OK, yeah."
Jan: "This is the kind of thing, you know? I am… attracted to you. I, I don’t know why, I… but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that’s what Dr. Perry thinks."

[Assistant] Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I…


[User]
Jan: "This is the kind of thing, you know? I am… attracted to you. I, I don’t know why, I… but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that’s what Dr. Perry thinks."
Michael: "Who is Dr. Perry? I…"
Jan: "This is the point, OK? You’re wrong for me. In… In… every way. But I still find myself wanting to… be with you."

[Assistant] Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.


[User]
Jan: "This is the point, OK? You’re wrong for me. In… In… every way. But I still find myself wanting to… be with you."
Michael: "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well."
Jan: "Good, good."

[Assistant] Michael: So, umm… thanks for coming by. So, I, uh…


[User]
Jan: "Good, good."
Michael: "So, umm… thanks for coming by. So, I, uh…"
Jan: "Well, good, OK. Thank you… for taking the time…"

[Assistant] Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate – [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]


[User]
Jan: "Well, good, OK. Thank you… for taking the time…"
Michael: "Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate – [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]"
Jan: "Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo."

[Assistant] Michael: Jan, you… complete… me.


[User]
Dwight: "Hello, you’re back."
Michael: "Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office."
Dwight: "While you were gone…"

[Assistant] Michael: Me had an i-rey time.


[User]
Dwight: "While you were gone…"
Michael: "Me had an i-rey time."
Dwight: "While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up."

[Assistant] Michael: Dwight, please, please.


[User]
Dwight: "While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up."
Michael: "Dwight, please, please."
Dwight: "He turned over my…"

[Assistant] Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let’s don’t… Don’t harsh my mellow, mon.


[User]
Dwight: "He turned over my…"
Michael: "I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let’s don’t… Don’t harsh my mellow, mon."
Dwight: "I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell."

[Assistant] Michael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.


[User]
Dwight: "Come on. Come on."
Michael: "Okay. Well, Jan’s email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott."
Dwight: "Try Dwight."

[Assistant] Michael: Her passwords aren’t going to be Dwight, Dwight. That’s stupid. Okay.


[User]
Stanley: "There is a butterfly on this. Why?"
Michael: "It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don’t remember in which direction."
Stanley: "So it’s either worth $15 bucks or $65,000."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, good luck with that.


[User]
Andy: "Ph. D. Doctor of Sales."
Michael: "Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you."
Andy: "Well, it is very gracious of you to accept."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.


[User]
Andy: "Hey boss. Got a minute?"
Michael: "Yes, Andy."
Andy: "I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?"

[Assistant] Michael: He didn’t say.


[User]
Andy: "I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?"
Michael: "He didn’t say."
Andy: "That’s weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That’s not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, you are remembering it wrong.


[User]
Dwight: "Hey, we nailed the sale!"
Michael: "Where were you this morning?"
Dwight: "I overslept. Damn rooster didn’t crow."

[Assistant] Michael: Why do you lie, liar?


[User]
Dwight: "I overslept. Damn rooster didn’t crow."
Michael: "Why do you lie, liar?"
Dwight: "I am not a liar."

[Assistant] Michael: You are lying right now.


[User]
Dwight: "Stay out of this, you!"
Michael: "I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing."
Dwight: "Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company."
Michael: "Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard."
Dwight: "That’s what she said."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t. Don’t you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.


[User]
Andy: "The cost of doing business."
Michael: "Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman…"
Andy: "Was the top salesman…"

[Assistant] Michael: I said ‘was’.


[User]
Andy: "Was the top salesman…"
Michael: "I said ‘was’."
Andy: "[chuckles] Addition by subtraction."

[Assistant] Michael: What does that even mean? That is impossible.


[User]
Andy: "[chuckles] Addition by subtraction."
Michael: "What does that even mean? That is impossible."
Andy: "Mmmm. Yeah you’re right."

[Assistant] Michael: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody’s spirits.


[User]
Pam: "Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?"
Michael: "Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning."
Pam: "Oh, that wasn’t the night crew. That was Dwight."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.


[User]
Andy: "Which is like, “Right on.” And Pam was like “blah blah blah” and you were like “Yeah, psht.” Nailed it."
Michael: "Oh, no."
Andy: "Oh, no."

[Assistant] Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy… just… there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.


[User]
Andy: "Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football – Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we’ll hit the tiz-own."
Michael: "No. I don’t want to do any of that."
Andy: "Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that."

[Assistant] Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You’re going to drive me crazy.


[User]
Dwight: "Same old."
Michael: "Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did."
Dwight: "Oh my God, she told you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.


[User]
Dwight: "[scoffs] The boss isn’t funny."
Michael: "Oh, well."
Dwight: "I don’t get to wear my ties."

[Assistant] Michael: No. I’m sure.


[User]
Dwight: "What if he’s a murderer?"
Michael: "He’s not going to be a murderer."
Dwight: "Maybe that’s how you die."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?


[User]
Dwight: "Maybe that’s how you die."
Michael: "You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?"
Dwight: "I want to do this."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay.  From the top.  Ready?  Three-


[User]
Packer: "What happened?"
Michael: "Oh God-"
Packer: "Quick somebody help!  Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no!


[User]
Packer: "I have a full day of sales calls."
Michael: "You should get out of them."
Packer: "[Breaks pencil.]"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s the only time he can do it.  2:30 to 3:15.  It’s going to be great.  We’re going to be doing some darts, we’re going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie.  Going to be very delicious.


[User]
Packer: "[Breaks pencil.]"
Michael: "It’s the only time he can do it.  2:30 to 3:15.  It’s going to be great.  We’re going to be doing some darts, we’re going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie.  Going to be very delicious."
Packer: "And what kind of stripper did you get?"

[Assistant] Michael: I did not order a stripper.


[User]
Packer: "And what kind of stripper did you get?"
Michael: "I did not order a stripper."
Packer: "You didn’t order a stripper?  Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, not personally, no.


[User]
Packer: "You didn’t order a stripper?  Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?"
Michael: "Um, not personally, no."
Packer: "Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101.  If you don’t get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t get a stripper here.  Sexual Harassment.


[User]
Packer: "Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101.  If you don’t get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard."
Michael: "I can’t get a stripper here.  Sexual Harassment."
Packer: "Just get one for the girls too.  That evens it out.  You know, separate but equal."

[Assistant] Michael: So that’s what that means.


[User]
Ben Franklin: "Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin."
Michael: "Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?"
Ben Franklin: "Knickers in fact, yes!"

[Assistant] Michael: He’s in his knickers.  Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.


[User]
Ben Franklin: "Knickers in fact, yes!"
Michael: "He’s in his knickers.  Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever."
Ben Franklin: "Well, actually, I never was president."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.


[User]
Ben Franklin: "Well, actually, I never was president."
Michael: "Yes, but, Ben Franklin was."
Ben Franklin: "Ah.  I’m here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers."

[Assistant] Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower.  Bow chicka bow.


[User]
Ryan: "Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?"
Michael: "No.  Yes."
Ryan: "Oh gross."

[Assistant] Michael: But I got all the foot off of it.


[User]
Elizabeth: "Mmm, what’s that?"
Michael: "You smell like Tide detergent.  Do you use Tide detergent?  Ha ha ha!  I have a girlfriend so…"
Elizabeth: "I bet she’d be jealous. [Rips off shirt]"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be.  You know what, okay, excuse me.  Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music.  This is wrong, this is wrong!  This is wrong!  I have a girlfriend.  And you are engaged and I’m sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay.  Shame on you.  Go back to work!


[User]
Jan: "Uh when, when did, when last night?"
Michael: "No, today at work."
Jan: "You went to a bachelor party at work?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. I kind of arranged it.


[User]
Jan: "I’m closer to firing you."
Michael: "That is so sweet.  You are the best GD girlfriend in the world.  Do you know that?"
Jan: "I’ll talk to you later."

[Assistant] Michael: You are.  You are.


[User]
Phyllis: "Thanks, Michael. That’s sweet. Same as when you said it outside."
Michael: "How you doin’? You excited."
Phyllis: "Yes, very."

[Assistant] Michael: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?


[User]
Phyllis: "That wasn’t me."
Michael: "Okay… umm… I’m sure that Bob… Wow. That is… that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah… Are you set on that hairstyle?"
Phyllis: "I thought it was…"

[Assistant] Michael: Here, let me…


[User]
Phyllis: "I thought it was…"
Michael: "Here, let me…"
Phyllis: "Michael… No."

[Assistant] Michael: Just cover up that bald patch.


[User]
Phyllis: "It’s beautiful. Why don’t you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet."
Michael: "I’m already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back."
Phyllis: "It’s fish."

[Assistant] Michael: I will take care of that.


[User]
Bob Vance: "Oh okay. That’s enough."
Michael: "is a guy that…"
Bob Vance: "Thanks, Michael. Give me…"

[Assistant] Michael: he works… Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn’t say anything when Phyllis’ dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.


[User]
Bob Vance: "Thanks, Michael. Give me…"
Michael: "he works… Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn’t say anything when Phyllis’ dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay."
Bob Vance: "Give me the microphone."

[Assistant] Michael: No. I’m not going to…


[User]
Bob Vance: "Give me the microphone."
Michael: "No. I’m not going to…"
Bob Vance: "Give me… Give me the microphone, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. All right.


[User]
Bob Vance: "Give me… Give me the microphone, Michael."
Michael: "Ok. All right."
Bob Vance: "You’re out of here!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Yeah. You’re out of here! You’re… Yeah. I hate you!


[User]
Dwight: "I can’t let you in, Michael."
Michael: "Dwight, just…"
Dwight: "No, it’s Bob and Phyllis’ orders."

[Assistant] Michael: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I’m not even going to dance one song.


[User]
Uncle Al: "Phyllis and you will be great together."
Michael: "We are great together. We are a great team."
Uncle Al: "The Celtics were a great team."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don’t want this to ruin her honeymoon.


[User]
Uncle Al: "The Celtics were a great team."
Michael: "Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don’t want this to ruin her honeymoon."
Uncle Al: "Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn’t know!"

[Assistant] Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.


[User]
Phyllis: "You found Uncle Al!"
Michael: "Yeah. Yeah. He’s kind of a weirdo."
Phyllis: "Thank you, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re… You’re welcome.


[User]
Ryan: "Y-You understand nobody’s graduating."
Michael: "Yeah, I know, I know. I’m just saying if they did throw their hats I’ve got a great line for that: “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.” … That was a pretty good line."
Ryan: "…It doesn’t apply."

[Assistant] Michael: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you’re such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!


[User]
Ryan: "…It doesn’t apply."
Michael: "I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you’re such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!"
Ryan: "Quit it!"

[Assistant] Michael: We have fun.


[User]
Business Student #2: "What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?"
Michael: "…I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you’ll come back."
Business Student #2: "Has anyone ever come back?"

[Assistant] Michael: …We don’t want them back, ’cause they’re… stupid.


[User]
Business Student #1: "But there’s five Goliaths, there’s… Staples, Officemax…"
Michael: "Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators… mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we’re learning in business school?"
Business Student #1: "But in the big picture…"

[Assistant] Michael: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can’t you understand that? No, you can’t. You’re too young. Ryan… has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he’s a tease. Well you know what? He doesn’t know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!


[User]
Ryan: "…It wasn’t personal."
Michael: "Business is always personal. It’s the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things."
Ryan: "Pack my–?"

[Assistant] Michael: You heard me, pack your things.


[User]
Ryan: "Look, I’m sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and… of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don’t have to fire me."
Michael: "Fire you? No, no no. You are moving… to the annex."
Ryan: "To the annex? Where… Kelly is?"

[Assistant] Michael: A good manager doesn’t fire people. He hires people and inspires people. … People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.


[User]
Pam: "What do you mean?"
Michael: "I don’t see a… price."
Pam: "Um… you wanna buy it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there’s my… window, and there’s my car! That your car?


[User]
Pam: "Um… you wanna buy it?"
Michael: "Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there’s my… window, and there’s my car! That your car?"
Pam: "Uh-huh."

[Assistant] Michael: That is our building… and we sell paper. … I am really proud of you.


[User]
Jim: "Those are the books that sum up the other books."
Michael: "So no?"
Jim: "What are you reading?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I’ve kept a diary of all my sales.


[User]
Jim: "What are you reading?"
Michael: "Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I’ve kept a diary of all my sales."
Jim: "Oh, that could be interesting."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s just mileage mostly, but there’s one chapter that I call wisdoms. I’m going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, that could be interesting."
Michael: "No, it’s just mileage mostly, but there’s one chapter that I call wisdoms. I’m going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are."
Jim: "[clears throat] I am ready."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t do what I say, say what I do.


[User]
Jan: "Let’s just blow this party off."
Michael: "That’s what she said."
Jan: "Am I on speaker phone?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, yes you are.


[User]
Jan: "…and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica."
Michael: "Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I…"
Jan: "Still on speaker?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ummm… I don’t know.


[User]
Dwight: "You dressed exactly like the servants."
Michael: "Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me."
Dwight: "Wait. I don’t think yours will fit me."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t care. Oh, wow. Here. Don’t put my jacket. Don’t give me that.


[User]
Jan: "I’m sure that it’s catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It’s a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR."
Michael: "Awesome. I’m going to frame mine. I could frame yours too."
Jan: "You realize this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company."

[Assistant] Michael: Over our love.


[User]
Jan: "You realize this is a legal document that says you can’t sue the company."
Michael: "Over our love."
Jan: "I’ve never told you that I love you."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t have to, Jan. This contract says it all.


[User]
Jan: "What’s this over the “i”?"
Michael: "It’s a heart."
Jan: "Why is this so hard? That’s what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?"

[Assistant] Michael: I love this woman!


[User]
Jan: "It’s nice."
Michael: "You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas."
Jan: "I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh yeah, they don’t allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis… there. But it’s fun. It’s an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.