[User]
Jim: "Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth."
Michael: "Sucks to be you."
Jim: "Would you like to be our fourth?"

[Assistant] Michael: That would be sublime.


[User]
Julie: "So you work with Pam and Jim?"
Michael: "Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired."
Julie: "[giggles] I should hope not."

[Assistant] Michael: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.


[User]
Jim: "So what do you think?"
Michael: "About what?"
Jim: "About Julie?"

[Assistant] Michael: She’s nice.


[User]
Jim: "So Pam was right?"
Michael: "About what?"
Jim: "About you two hitting it off."

[Assistant] Michael: [removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]


[User]
Pam: "Ok, um, why don’t we just finish the game? Michael, it’s your shot."
Michael: "She can’t talk to us that way."
Pam: "You guys are stripes, I think…"

[Assistant] Michael: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?


[User]
Bar Manager: "Then I am sorry that I didn’t kick you out."
Michael: "I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello."
Bar Manager: "Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir."
Michael: "Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you."
Bar Manager: "Is that how you do it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Is that how you do it?"
Michael: "Yes it is. I am writing a book about it."
Bar Manager: "Really? How much have you written?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve written all of it… in my head.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca’s? It’s a classic."
Michael: "Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it."
Bar Manager: "Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow."

[Assistant] Michael: I own a Chrysler.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow."
Michael: "I own a Chrysler."
Bar Manager: "Shut up."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you shut up.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Stanley Hudson?"
Michael: "No, no."
Bar Manager: "Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s Michael Scott.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here."
Michael: "No, it’s Michael Scott."
Bar Manager: "Michael Scott?"

[Assistant] Michael: He is I.


[User]
Bar Manager: "Michael Scott?"
Michael: "He is I."
Bar Manager: "You just won yourself a lunch."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]


[User]
Andy: "Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there’s only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary’s Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear’s arm at Michael]."
Michael: "She’s kind of a rube."
Andy: "[slams his hand on Michael’s desk] That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I’ll take her to lunch.


[User]
Andy: "[slams his hand on Michael’s desk] That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about."
Michael: "Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I’ll take her to lunch."
Andy: "[taping desk] She’s gonna be so psyched."

[Assistant] Michael: [walks over to Erin’s desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary’s Day.


[User]
Erin: "Just the two of us."
Michael: "Well, Hayworth’s is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I’m…"
Erin: "Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth’s, but…"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, well, we’ll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office]


[User]
Erin: "‘Cause America was discovered."
Michael: "Right. [sighs]"
Erin: "[at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don’t know, I couldn’t keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it’s like… I don’t mean that I didn’t like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn’t have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?"

[Assistant] Michael: An age or month?


[User]
Erin: "[at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don’t know, I couldn’t keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it’s like… I don’t mean that I didn’t like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn’t have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?"
Michael: "An age or month?"
Erin: "Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.


[User]
Erin: "Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven."
Michael: "I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird."
Erin: "How many pillows do you sleep on at night?"

[Assistant] Michael: So how are things going with Andy?


[User]
Erin: "How many pillows do you sleep on at night?"
Michael: "So how are things going with Andy?"
Erin: "He’s the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, let’s see. Um… Andy. Plays the banjo.


[User]
Erin: "He’s the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him."
Michael: "Well, let’s see. Um… Andy. Plays the banjo."
Erin: "Yeah I love that."

[Assistant] Michael: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don’t think he is a snappy dresser.


[User]
Erin: "Why wouldn’t he tell me that?"
Michael: "I don’t know. Probably didn’t want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else."
Erin: "They had sex?"

[Assistant] Michael: They were engaged, so… [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir?


[User]
Erin: "[moans, pulls hair over her face]"
Michael: "What are you doing? What are you doing?"
Erin: "In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody’s looking at you right now.


[User]
Erin: "In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming]"
Michael: "Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody’s looking at you right now."
Erin: "[breathes heavily, groans]"

[Assistant] Michael: [turns to other restaurant patrons] I’ll have what she’s having!


[User]
Andy: "Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself."
Michael: "You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela’s not so great, so.."
Andy: "I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic."

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. No.


[User]
Andy: "Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary’s Day?"
Michael: "Andy, she’s not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn’t tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That’s like.. that’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap."
Andy: "I was going to tell her, just on my own time."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can’t and won’t keep a secret.


[User]
Erin: "Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone."
Michael: "No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?"
Erin: "I can’t trust Andy anymore."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Yep. I’m sorry about that. I feel… I’m sorry I caused that thing.


[User]
Erin: "I can’t trust Andy anymore."
Michael: "Oh. Yep. I’m sorry about that. I feel… I’m sorry I caused that thing."
Erin: "It’s Andy’s fault."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn’t worry about Angela. She doesn’t hold a candle to you, Erin. She’s old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she’s, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don’t think she’s ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.


[User]
Erin: "It’s Andy’s fault."
Michael: "Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn’t worry about Angela. She doesn’t hold a candle to you, Erin. She’s old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she’s, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don’t think she’s ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis."
Erin: "Oh, I like his butt."

[Assistant] Michael: You said butt.


[User]
Erin: "Oh, I like his butt."
Michael: "You said butt."
Erin: "You tricked me!"

[Assistant] Michael: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him:


[User]
Oscar: "Your office is full of genitalia."
Michael: "[clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!"
Oscar: "“That’s what he says?”"

[Assistant] Michael: Damn it. [knock on door] Ah, Angelo.


[User]
Jim: "[explaining PowerPoint to Donna] So, yes, laser printers are more expensive. But they cost less to operate [knocking] So it’s a tradeoff."
Michael: "[barges in] Hi."
Jim: "Hold on one second."

[Assistant] Michael: Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Do you, Donna, by any chance shop at Victoria’s Secret?


[User]
Donna: "Oh. [Michael quickly advances PowerPoint show to last slide which is “SEX” in bold white letters on a black background and then exits the show quickly]"
Michael: "And that’s it. That’s me. That’s who I am."
Donna: "[giggles] Not bad."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, thanks. [softly] You’re not bad, either.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah. [chuckles]"
Michael: "So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right?"
Jim: "What’s that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe wee find some wiggle room?


[User]
Jim: "What’s that?"
Michael: "Maybe wee find some wiggle room?"
Jim: "I don’t… I don’t think so."

[Assistant] Michael: I think we could. [Donna giggles]


[User]
Oscar: "I don’t see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost…"
Michael: "Okay, well sometimes… sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like for tax purposes."
Oscar: "Actually, ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t you run them again?


[User]
Donna: "And, um… you know I just wanted to say it was really… really nice to do business with you."
Michael: "Yeah it was nice to do business with you, too."
Donna: "Thank you. Did I… get everything?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know. I think so.


[User]
Donna: "Thank you. Did I… get everything?"
Michael: "I don’t know. I think so."
Donna: "Yeah, I think so."

[Assistant] Michael: [whispers] Okay. So… Oh, Donna?


[User]
Donna: "No, it’s just in the lot, so…"
Michael: "Thank you so much."
Donna: "You’re welcome. [they hug] You’re… welcome."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm. [Donna giggles]


[User]
Donna: "I don’t have, uh, any other questions. [blind clanking as she leans against door to prevent from Michael kissing her] I’m just gonna… make my way down to…"
Michael: "All right. All right. Bye."
Donna: "Bye-bye!"

[Assistant] Michael: And have a good elevator ride.


[User]
Pam: "Hey, Michael. [Michael is sitting on couch outside his office] How you doing?"
Michael: "I don’t know. I don’t know. Can’t really trust my feelings anymore."
Pam: "You know what, Michael? For what it’s worth… I was wrong, too. I thought she was interested in you."

[Assistant] Michael: She suckered you too.


[User]
Pam: "You know what, Michael? For what it’s worth… I was wrong, too. I thought she was interested in you."
Michael: "She suckered you too."
Pam: "Mm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: Was it the cleavage?


[User]
Pam: "She doesn’t want you to return the barrette. She’s not interested in you."
Michael: "Yeah, I know. I know."
Pam: "I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: I know. You’re right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]


[User]
Pam: "I’m sorry."
Michael: "I know. You’re right. Thank you. Thanks everybody. [waves, returns to his office, clears throat, turns around and runs out of office]"
Pam: "Michael! [sighs]"

[Assistant] Michael: [runs down to parking lot, sighs]


[User]
Donna: "You were right."
Michael: "About what?"
Donna: "You were right. [Michael leans into Donna’s car to kiss her and they kiss passionately] I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no. No.


[User]
Donna: "You were right. [Michael leans into Donna’s car to kiss her and they kiss passionately] I’m sorry."
Michael: "No, no. No."
Donna: "I’m sor…"

[Assistant] Michael: No… [they kiss again]


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, come on."
Michael: "Get back to work, Dwight. Please."
Dwight: "Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]"

[Assistant] Michael: Ooh! Things with Donna are so… oh-ho-ho! They’re going great. I, uh… we’re just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and… orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I’m actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!


[User]
Kelly: "Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang’s when we have the Great Wall in Scranton."
Michael: "Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, “I wanna go to Mount Pocono,” you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI."
Kelly: "Wait, that’s crazy far. Are you sure she’s not cheating?"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World:


[User]
Pam: "How what?"
Michael: "How do I not make any more of it?"
Pam: "You could start by concluding this meeting."

[Assistant] Michael: All right.  [all stand up to leave] And she won’t say, “I love you.”


[User]
Pam: "Michael, do not let your imagination run amok."
Michael: "Run what?"
Pam: "Amok. It means, don’t let your imagination run out of control."

[Assistant] Michael: Why didn’t you just say that, Pam?


[User]
Pam: "Amok. It means, don’t let your imagination run out of control."
Michael: "Why didn’t you just say that, Pam?"
Pam: "Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, that’s easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It’s stupid. I live in a fantasy world.


[User]
Jim: "You do?"
Michael: "Yes, Jim, I do. And I can’t stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit."
Jim: "But you didn’t believe any of this was true five minutes ago."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what makes it so wrong.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, God, that tickles. What did…"
Michael: "[whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator."
Dwight: "I think I’ve got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]"

[Assistant] Michael: This is you. How much do you charge?


[User]
Dwight: "I think I’ve got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]"
Michael: "This is you. How much do you charge?"
Dwight: "$100 a day, plus expenses."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll give you $50. Money’s no object.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, my God"
Michael: "It’s comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God."
Jim: "You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just… stop beating yourself up."

[Assistant] Michael: I know. Well, I hope you’re right. We’ll see what Dwight says.


[User]
Pam: "No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that."
Michael: "It’s too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok."
Pam: "Michael. Okay, I’m… I’m going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: God, this is so disgusting.


[User]
Pam: "Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you."
Michael: "I know."
Pam: "And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you’re in."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s not true. [Pam stares him down] You’re right, I ruin everything. And I’ve known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.


[User]
Dwight: "Donna, come… Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his “workout” and cannot chase Donna]"
Michael: "You’re back. What happened?"
Dwight: "Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking."

[Assistant] Michael: No, what happened with Donna?


[User]
Dwight: "Put your fingers here."
Michael: "No. No! Are you sure?"
Dwight: "I’m positive. Yeah, oh, and here’s your expense receipts right there."

[Assistant] Michael: Who eats eight protein bars?


[User]
Dwight: "I’m positive. Yeah, oh, and here’s your expense receipts right there."
Michael: "Who eats eight protein bars?"
Dwight: "People who don’t trust egg whites."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.


[User]
Dwight: "People who don’t trust egg whites."
Michael: "Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over."
Dwight: "Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she’s coming over here and she’s furious."

[Assistant] Michael: What? No, she didn’t say that.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she’s coming over here and she’s furious."
Michael: "What? No, she didn’t say that."
Dwight: "You’re right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] “What is with him? He is crazy. I’m coming over there to talk to him.” And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You’ll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael’s office."

[Assistant] Michael: I am not paying for that membership.


[User]
Erin: "Maybe you’d be more comfortable in your own office."
Michael: "No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?"
Erin: "Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s her?


[User]
Donna: "How could you think I would cheat on you?"
Michael: "I didn’t. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind."
Donna: "That’s pathetic."

[Assistant] Michael: Ye… pfff. Well, no. It’s a lie. That’s not what happened. I just like you. I can’t believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.


[User]
Donna: "That’s pathetic."
Michael: "Ye… pfff. Well, no. It’s a lie. That’s not what happened. I just like you. I can’t believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want."
Donna: "When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]"

[Assistant] Michael: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it.


[User]
Donna: "When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]"
Michael: "If you wanna dump me, I totally get it."
Donna: "I told you I like you."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]


[User]
Donna: "I told you I like you."
Michael: "Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]"
Donna: "Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would…"

[Assistant] Michael: …poop my pants.


[User]
Donna: "Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would…"
Michael: "…poop my pants."
Donna: "Have you ever been to Vero Beach?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?


[User]
Pam: "I’m sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related."
Michael: "Well it can wait. It can wait."
Pam: "I lied it’s personal. It’s about me and Jim. We’re… I just… you’re the only person I can talk to."

[Assistant] Michael: Jim is her husband.


[User]
Pam: "No, not… we’re not… we’re not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love…"
Michael: "Good in bed."
Pam: "Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?


[User]
Pam: "You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her."
Michael: "I have to hear it from her."
Pam: "You have to settle down first."

[Assistant] Michael: I need to have her tell me herself. Right?


[User]
Pam: "You have to settle down first."
Michael: "I need to have her tell me herself. Right?"
Pam: "Okay. Okay. Yes."

[Assistant] Michael: I need to have her say…


[User]
Pam: "Okay. Okay. Yes."
Michael: "I need to have her say…"
Pam: "Yeah, but you have to calm…"

[Assistant] Michael: I need to say, “What the hell is that? What the hell is that?”


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, but you have to calm…"
Michael: "I need to say, “What the hell is that? What the hell is that?”"
Pam: "Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture."

[Assistant] Michael: No, God! No, no, oh, my God!


[User]
Pam: "Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture."
Michael: "No, God! No, no, oh, my God!"
Pam: "[in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael"

[Assistant] Michael: [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay.


[User]
Donna: "Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?"
Michael: "I can’t do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?"
Donna: "Oh, Friday doesn’t work."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, really? ’cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It’d be a great, great concert.


[User]
Donna: "Oh, Friday doesn’t work."
Michael: "Oh, really? ’cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It’d be a great, great concert."
Donna: "Shoot. I’m working."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.


[User]
Donna: "Shoot. I’m working."
Michael: "Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by."
Donna: "Well, won’t you be at the concert?"

[Assistant] Michael: Nope, that’s Tuesday.


[User]
Donna: "Well, won’t you be at the concert?"
Michael: "Nope, that’s Tuesday."
Donna: "Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re cheating. You’re cheating on me.


[User]
Donna: "Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday."
Michael: "You’re cheating. You’re cheating on me."
Donna: "How do you know?"

[Assistant] Michael: Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]


[User]
Donna: "What, what do you mean?"
Michael: "The other man. Who’s the guy? Who is it?"
Donna: "It’s you. I’m married."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m the mistress?


[User]
Toby: "Come on, Michael. You’re interrupting."
Michael: "You’re kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?"
Toby: "Please sit down."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? We’re not gonna die of radon, we’re gonna die of boredom.


[User]
Andy: "Did Donna tell you that?"
Michael: "Real sports with Bryant Gumble."
Andy: "So you’re just making a giant assumption. You don’t even know the guy."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.


[User]
Andy: "So… here’s the thing about infidelity."
Michael: "Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy."
Andy: "How does that work?"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he’s an angel? I don’t think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.


[User]
Andy: "How does that work?"
Michael: "Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he’s an angel? I don’t think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him."
Andy: "In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You’re Ali Larter, I’m Beyonce."

[Assistant] Michael: I am Beyonce always.


[User]
Andy: "In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You’re Ali Larter, I’m Beyonce."
Michael: "I am Beyonce always."
Andy: "Not this time."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I am.


[User]
Andy: "Not this time."
Michael: "Yes, I am."
Andy: "This guy’s a high school baseball coach, right? Let’s go check him out, see what a horrible person he is."

[Assistant] Michael: I would love that.


[User]
Andy: "This guy’s a high school baseball coach, right? Let’s go check him out, see what a horrible person he is."
Michael: "I would love that."
Andy: "Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let’s go check it out."

[Assistant] Michael: I have work to do.


[User]
Andy: "Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let’s go check it out."
Michael: "I have work to do."
Andy: "Oh, really? I thought you were the boss."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can’t wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he’s making me do to her.


[User]
Andy: "Oh, really? I thought you were the boss."
Michael: "Let’s go. [starts walking towards the elevator] I can’t wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he’s making me do to her."
Andy: "[humming Call to Post] Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum"

[Assistant] Michael: All right, Andy, please.


[User]
Andy: "Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!"
Michael: "Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?"
Andy: "[announcer’s voice] And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Can you just– can you just act normal for a second, please?


[User]
Andy: "Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play."
Michael: "You have no idea what you’re talking about."
Andy: "I know it’s like cricket."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t. No, no.


[User]
Andy: "I know it’s like cricket."
Michael: "You don’t. No, no."
Andy: "And it’s–there’s– well, home plate is like a wicket."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t know. You don’t– you don’t know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn’t even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it’s like, “Hey, Donna, why don’t you wash the dishes?” “High-five, Donna.” “Hey, why don’t you bring me my slippers?” “Hi-five. I’m taking all the credit.”


[User]
Andy: "And it’s–there’s– well, home plate is like a wicket."
Michael: "You don’t know. You don’t– you don’t know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn’t even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it’s like, “Hey, Donna, why don’t you wash the dishes?” “High-five, Donna.” “Hey, why don’t you bring me my slippers?” “Hi-five. I’m taking all the credit.”"
Andy: "Seems pretty well liked by the team."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, well, that’s because he’s paying their salary.


[User]
Andy: "Seems pretty well liked by the team."
Michael: "Okay, well, that’s because he’s paying their salary."
Andy: "You do know that high school coaches don’t pay their players."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know, I know. It–I’m–it– that was a euphemism.


[User]
Andy: "Ha. The other guys can go die."
Michael: "[whispers] Okay."
Andy: "Baseball! Go talk to him."

[Assistant] Michael: No. God. You go talk to him.


[User]
Andy: "But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!"
Michael: "No, no, no."
Andy: "Come on, get over here."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m good. Oh, my God.


[User]
Andy: "Come on, get over here."
Michael: "I’m good. Oh, my God."
Andy: "Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach."

[Assistant] Michael: Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.


[User]
Phyllis: "Was there a fistfight?"
Michael: "No. We just talked. He’s very nice."
Phyllis: "And it didn’t change your mind."

[Assistant] Michael: It did not.


[User]
Phyllis: "And it didn’t change your mind."
Michael: "It did not."
Phyllis: "Michael, that’s awful."

[Assistant] Michael: Isn’t it?


[User]
Reporter: "Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?"
Michael: "[sighs] Umm… I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to… the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again."
Reporter: "I’m talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Okay. I was talking about… what do– what? What’s going on?


[User]
Jo: "Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don’t know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving ’em free toner, and we keep ’em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please."
Michael: "Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office."
Jo: "Can you now?"

[Assistant] Michael: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.


[User]
Jo: "[as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It’s a little form, says “I did not do it.”"
Michael: "There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like…"
Jo: "All that’s just birthday information, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.


[User]
Jo: "So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?"
Michael: "We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda."
Jo: "Uh, that’s, uh, Guantanamo Bay."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.


[User]
Jo: "Uh, that’s, uh, Guantanamo Bay."
Michael: "Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can."
Jo: "Well, I guess we’re all right, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I’d prefer it if they died, ’cause it’s not right.


[User]
Andy: "Okay? I, I… didn’t do it."
Michael: "I don’t believe you."
Andy: "I swear on the graves of my parents who aren’t even dead yet."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s a little much. All right, all right, all right.


[User]
Andy: "I swear on the graves of my parents who aren’t even dead yet."
Michael: "That’s a little much. All right, all right, all right."
Andy: "I don’t care, that’s how much I swear!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I believe you, I believe you.


[User]
Andy: "I don’t care, that’s how much I swear!"
Michael: "Okay, I believe you, I believe you."
Andy: "I don’t know who’s giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar."
Michael: "Oh, no, no, no…"
Darryl: "I think she could… sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she… she’s the copy editor at the Trib."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my god. Was she cute?


[User]
Darryl: "All right, this is just messed up."
Michael: "No, you know what’s messed up? This situation all up in here is what’s messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think."
Darryl: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: What do we got?


[User]
Jo: "Let’s just talk."
Michael: "I am not going to tell you anything."
Jo: "Honey, you don’t seem like your normal self."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’m going through a little bit of a rough patch.


[User]
Jo: "Honey, you don’t seem like your normal self."
Michael: "Well, I’m going through a little bit of a rough patch."
Jo: "Mama Jo knew there was something up."

[Assistant] Michael: Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.


[User]
Jo: "Mama Jo knew there was something up."
Michael: "Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down."
Jo: "Oh, I hate that."

[Assistant] Michael: And my new favorite restaurant sucks… I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? … I miss Holly.


[User]
Jo: "Oh, I hate that."
Michael: "And my new favorite restaurant sucks… I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? … I miss Holly."
Jo: "Who’s Holly?"

[Assistant] Michael: Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It’s not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.


[User]
Jo: "When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I’d break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there… and they’d make a Barbie out of me."
Michael: "Hmm, hmm."
Jo: "I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it’s all I’ll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie."

[Assistant] Michael: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.


[User]
Jo: "I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it’s all I’ll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie."
Michael: "You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you."
Jo: "Oh honey, surely you don’t want that."

[Assistant] Michael: I, I surely do, and don’t call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too.


[User]
Jo: "Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there."
Michael: "That was fun."
Jo: "I hope your rough patch ends soon."

[Assistant] Michael: Thanks. Today helped.


[User]
Jo: "I hope your rough patch ends soon."
Michael: "Thanks. Today helped."
Jo: "Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.


[User]
Luke: "You don’t have to yell."
Michael: "Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me."
Luke: "What for?"

[Assistant] Michael: To get some ice cream for everybody. It’s national ice cream afternoon. Great.


[User]
Jo: "Lower yourself, Gabe. I don’t wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won’t fire the boy."
Michael: "You don’t have all the facts."
Jo: "Which are?"

[Assistant] Michael: I love him.


[User]
Jo: "Which are?"
Michael: "I love him."
Jo: "Oh, God. How far has it gone?"

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. He’s my nephew.


[User]
Jo: "Oh, God. How far has it gone?"
Michael: "No. No. He’s my nephew."
Jo: "Well, I got a nephew too. But he don’t work for me. You know why? Cause he’s a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can’t come in my house."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.


[User]
Jo: "Well, I got a nephew too. But he don’t work for me. You know why? Cause he’s a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can’t come in my house."
Michael: "Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool."
Jo: "If you keep him, Michael, I’m gonna hold you accountable for him. You’re on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities."

[Assistant] Michael: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.


[User]
Jo: "If you keep him, Michael, I’m gonna hold you accountable for him. You’re on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities."
Michael: "I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump."
Jo: "Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys."

[Assistant] Michael: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he’ll slow down, and I’ll push him again. That’s the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It’s all about give and take, but mostly it’s about pushing each other.


[User]
Luke: "What? I’m stopping it. That’s what you said."
Michael: "Give me the pointer."
Luke: "So you just want me to move it? You’re being totally unclear here. I’m just gonna go ahead and move it. [points it at Angela’s chest]"

[Assistant] Michael: No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela’s boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.


[User]
Both: "Five, four…"
Michael: "I’m not kidding."
Both: "Three, two, one."

[Assistant] Michael: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.


[User]
Luke: "What the?"
Michael: "That’s what you’re going to do, Luke!"
Luke: "What the hell was that?"

[Assistant] Michael: I had to do that.


[User]
Luke: "What the hell was that?"
Michael: "I had to do that."
Luke: "Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!"

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You’re okay. He’s okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.


[User]
Gabe: "Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst.  You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling."
Michael: "That’s it? Really? That’s nothing. All right. That’s highway robbery."
Gabe: "Good. Well, that’s the spirit."

[Assistant] Michael: I can do that.


[User]
Gabe: "Good. Well, that’s the spirit."
Michael: "I can do that."
Gabe: "And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Wait, what?


[User]
Toby: "Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I’ve got a chance to do some good here."
Michael: "I know what you want to ask me. “Did your mom ever see you naked?”"
Toby: "We can do this with more privacy."

[Assistant] Michael: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don’t think so. We’re going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That’s the key.


[User]
Toby: "Ok, I can’t count the hour if you don’t talk."
Michael: "No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time."
Toby: "Michael, it’s up to me to check off the boxes, and I can’t do that unless I honestly…"

[Assistant] Michael: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?


[User]
Toby: "We can play something more complicated if you like."
Michael: "This is plenty complicated."
Toby: "So you have played it before?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’ve played it once or twice with Jeff.


[User]
Toby: "So you have played it before?"
Michael: "I’ve played it once or twice with Jeff."
Toby: "Who’s Jeff?"

[Assistant] Michael: Jeff was my mother’s boyfriend, who she married.


[User]
Toby: "Who’s Jeff?"
Michael: "Jeff was my mother’s boyfriend, who she married."
Toby: "So, her husband, your stepdad?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.


[User]
Toby: "So, her husband, your stepdad?"
Michael: "Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though."
Toby: "Did you guys do much stuff together?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn’t able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.


[User]
Toby: "Dogs don’t do that."
Michael: "Right. Why would a dog do that? That’s silly."
Toby: "I don’t know."

[Assistant] Michael: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I’ve never said it out loud, so…


[User]
Toby: "I don’t know."
Michael: "When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I’ve never said it out loud, so…"
Toby: "It’s very important for you to be liked, isn’t it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, lets not get too… This isn’t a counseling session… Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.


[User]
Toby: "It’s very important for you to be liked, isn’t it?"
Michael: "Well, lets not get too… This isn’t a counseling session… Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok."
Toby: "I’m just trying to help you Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: You. Bitch. God! You’re very helpful aren’t you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?


[User]
Toby: "I’m just trying to help you Michael."
Michael: "You. Bitch. God! You’re very helpful aren’t you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?"
Toby: "I just want to…"

[Assistant] Michael: You are good. But you know what? You can’t help people. You couldn’t help your marriage. You lose. I don’t need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can’t help anybody. I don’t need your help! Am I going to make you cry?


[User]
Toby: "You remember that."
Michael: "Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake."
Toby: "Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake… Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet… [mimicking Gabe] “I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I’m here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!” [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let’s do it to it!


[User]
Andy: "We’re the cast of Sweeney Todd:"
Michael: "[cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?"
Andy: "Like a month ago."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? They didn’t call me. Who am I playing? …Andy?


[User]
Andy: "What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You’re all coming to my show tonight, right?"
Michael: "Andy, what time’s the show?"
Andy: "8pm sharp."

[Assistant] Michael: How long is it?


[User]
Andy: "8pm sharp."
Michael: "How long is it?"
Andy: "Hour forty-five."

[Assistant] Michael: Nope, can’t make it.


[User]
Darryl: "Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber."
Michael: "No, Darryl. This guy’s a world-class actor. He doesn’t daylight as your plumber."
Darryl: "No, it’s my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It’s his first play. He didn’t even audition."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you kidding me?


[User]
Darryl: "No, it’s my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It’s his first play. He didn’t even audition."
Michael: "Are you kidding me?"
Darryl: "Shhh. If we don’t listen to the overture, we won’t recognize the musical themes when they come back later."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, I’m sorry. God.


[User]
Shelby: "Enjoy the second act."
Michael: "You enjoy the second act."
Shelby: "Have a refreshment."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar]


[User]
Sweeney Todd: "You’re the guy who booed me."
Michael: "Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn’t one of em."
Sweeney Todd: "No, I saw you, and you were the only one."

[Assistant] Michael: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.


[User]
Darryl: "You didn’t have to boo him."
Michael: "Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn’t think it was indicative of how people were really feeling."
Darryl: "How would you like it if we booed you?"

[Assistant] Michael: That would never happen.


[User]
Darryl: "How would you like it if we booed you?"
Michael: "That would never happen."
Darryl: "Boo! Boo!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.


[User]
Darryl: "Boo! Boo!"
Michael: "Okay. I appreciate the feedback."
Darryl: "Boo! Boo!"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t like that at all.


[User]
Andy: "Stop just saying that."
Michael: "I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse."
Andy: "Thank you. That feels good."

[Assistant] Michael: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.


[User]
Phyllis: "[seeing a large red spot on Michael’s lip] God! Wow!"
Michael: "[shying away] Look, [sighs] It’s a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive."
Phyllis: "That’s no pimple Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: You mean cancer?


[User]
Meredith: "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It’s just a cold sore."
Michael: "It is?"
Meredith: "Yup, just a cold sore."

[Assistant] Michael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don’t have acne. I have a cold sore. I don’t even have a cold. I don’t know how I got it.


[User]
Dwight: "Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it."
Michael: "You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It’s me own damn fault. Woman in every port."
Dwight: "What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por…"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.


[User]
Dwight: "What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por…"
Michael: "Don’t even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her."
Dwight: "You may have…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God! What if I did?


[User]
Dwight: "You may have…"
Michael: "Oh my God! What if I did?"
Dwight: "You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.


[User]
Dwight: "You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes."
Michael: "Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her."
Dwight: "You need to contact every woman you’ve been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It’s the right thing to do."

[Assistant] Michael: There’s no way I’m gonna do that.


[User]
Dwight: "You need to contact every woman you’ve been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It’s the right thing to do."
Michael: "There’s no way I’m gonna do that."
Dwight: "Then I will."

[Assistant] Michael: [makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up]


[User]
Donna: "[on phone] Hello?"
Michael: "Hi Donna. It’s Michael."
Donna: "Michael, I didn’t think I’d here from you. How have you been?"

[Assistant] Michael: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.


[User]
Donna: "Michael, I didn’t think I’d here from you. How have you been?"
Michael: "I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me."
Donna: "Oh no."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t even say it. H-I…


[User]
Donna: "Oh no."
Michael: "I can’t even say it. H-I…"
Donna: "Oh my God."

[Assistant] Michael: …R-P-E-E-S


[User]
Donna: "Oh my God."
Michael: "…R-P-E-E-S"
Donna: "Wait, you’re calling to tell me that you have herpes?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?


[User]
Donna: "Wait, you’re calling to tell me that you have herpes?"
Michael: "No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?"
Donna: "Ummm, no."

[Assistant] Michael: Does your stupid husband have it?


[User]
Donna: "Ummm, no."
Michael: "Does your stupid husband have it?"
Donna: "No! He doesn’t. Are you telling me I have to get tested?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!


[User]
Holly: "[on phone] This is Holly."
Michael: "No this is Holly."
Holly: "No this is Holly."

[Assistant] Michael: No this is Holly.


[User]
Holly: "No this is Holly."
Michael: "No this is Holly."
Holly: "No, this is Michael Scott."

[Assistant] Michael: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.


[User]
Holly: "No, this is Michael Scott."
Michael: "Busted. So what can I do for you Holly."
Holly: "I am calling because, there’s a terrible crash!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed?


[User]
Holly: "A lot of people."
Michael: "Any nuns?"
Holly: "Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa."

[Assistant] Michael: [Dwight looks confused to the camera] Were they in the missionary position? [Holly laughs]


[User]
Holly: "[sternly] Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know."
Michael: "Do what?"
Holly: "You romanticize things."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing ‘Yes you do’] No…


[User]
Holly: "You romanticize things."
Michael: "I don’t romanticize th- [Dwight nodding and mouthing ‘Yes you do’] No…"
Holly: "Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up."

[Assistant] Michael: He had no arms or legs, he couldn’t hear see, or speak… This is how he let a nation.


[User]
Holly: "Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up."
Michael: "He had no arms or legs, he couldn’t hear see, or speak… This is how he let a nation."
Holly: "You made ourselves to be more than we were."

[Assistant] Michael: We were more than we were.


[User]
Holly: "You made ourselves to be more than we were."
Michael: "We were more than we were."
Holly: "I don’t know what you’re getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, alright I gotta go.


[User]
Jan: "How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I’d tell you."
Michael: "It’s nice to see you doing so well."
Jan: "Yeah I’m really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. [laughs] We’re loving it, yeah. I’m kind of a supermom."

[Assistant] Michael: Bringing home the bacon.


[User]
Jan: "No! In the beginning we were not good."
Michael: "Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!"
Jan: "Well if there’s anything exciting about it it’s because we both knew it was wrong!"

[Assistant] Michael: Because we work together.


[User]
Jan: "Well if there’s anything exciting about it it’s because we both knew it was wrong!"
Michael: "Because we work together."
Jan: "No, ok. Imagine there’s a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn’t like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn’t like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!"

[Assistant] Michael: Am I the princess?


[User]
Jan: "No, ok. Imagine there’s a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn’t like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn’t like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!"
Michael: "Am I the princess?"
Jan: "No I’m the princess, and the queen."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Ok, so I’m the guy at the station.


[User]
Dwight: "Next stop is Helene. You’re gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I’ll remind you."
Michael: "You know, I don’t know if I trust Jan’s judgment. She…"
Dwight: "Jan knows paper."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.


[User]
Dwight: "Jan knows paper."
Michael: "No, I’m not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there."
Dwight: "Wait, what Holly said?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I don’t…


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, what Holly said?"
Michael: "Yes, I don’t…"
Dwight: "Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know.


[User]
Dwight: "Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay."
Michael: "Got it."
Dwight: "TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’M TRYING! GOD!


[User]
Helene: "It’ll go away in time just don’t touch it."
Michael: "Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?"
Helene: "What did you think we were?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you…


[User]
Helene: "What did you think we were?"
Michael: "Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you…"
Helene: "I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show’s ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly."

[Assistant] Michael: Jerk. [walks off]


[User]
Carroll: "It’s a family room."
Michael: "You put the TV here, you put the family over here."
Carroll: "Michael why are you here?"

[Assistant] Michael: Someone told me that I romanticize relationships


[User]
Carroll: "Michael why are you here?"
Michael: "Someone told me that I romanticize relationships"
Carroll: "You know, we all do that."

[Assistant] Michael: I have herpes.


[User]
Carroll: "You know, we all do that."
Michael: "I have herpes."
Carroll: "What? Did you have that while we were together?"

[Assistant] Michael: I just found out today. It’s, uh, right there.


[User]
Carroll: "What? Did you have that while we were together?"
Michael: "I just found out today. It’s, uh, right there."
Carroll: "Oh! Oh, that’s what you’re talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: Mmhmm, I’m sorry.


[User]
Carroll: "Oh! Oh, that’s what you’re talking about?"
Michael: "Mmhmm, I’m sorry."
Carroll: "Did the doctor check it out?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m between specialists right now.


[User]
Carroll: "Did the doctor check it out?"
Michael: "I’m between specialists right now."
Carroll: "Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date."

[Assistant] Michael: Well I believe in love at first sight.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m gonna need a list of every man you’ve ever had sex with. I’m talking train stations, men’s rooms…"
Michael: "Flower shops, fireworks celebrations…"
Dwight: "Fence with a hole in it.."

[Assistant] Michael: Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park…


[User]
Dwight: "Fence with a hole in it.."
Michael: "Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park…"
Dwight: "The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk’s home."

[Assistant] Michael: An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]


[User]
Dwight: "The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk’s home."
Michael: "An electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up and starts leaving]"
Dwight: "The democratic primaries,"

[Assistant] Michael: Oscar! Think abou- Think! [door slams]


[User]
Pam: "You don’t look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager."
Michael: "[laughing] No, I don’t have time for this. Are you kidding me?"
Pam: "You don’t?"

[Assistant] Michael: No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right.


[User]
Danny: "Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper."
Michael: "Nice to meet you."
Danny: "Three of you guys for one sale."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, well…we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?


[User]
Danny: "Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right."
Michael: "All right."
Danny: "It’s good to see you guys. Nice to meet you."

[Assistant] Michael: Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.


[User]
Steve: "Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company."
Michael: "You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We’re going to deliver to you on weekends."
Steve: "That’s very generous, but-"

[Assistant] Michael: And you know what else we’re gonna do? I can’t believe I’m gonna say this…we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you’d better shake my hand right now.


[User]
Stanley: "We sell better?"
Michael: "Okay. You know what? You clearly don’t care, so why don’t you just leave?"
Stanley: "I would like to stay. This pertains to me."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t you go outside and…take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?


[User]
Stanley: "I would like to stay. This pertains to me."
Michael: "Why don’t you go outside and…take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?"
Stanley: "Why do you always assume I have diabetes?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know, your frame, your build-why don’t you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you’re not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?


[User]
Jim: "A what?"
Michael: "Like the movie."
Jim: "I think you mean The Sting."

[Assistant] Michael: Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They’re bank robbers.


[User]
Danny: "But from where?"
Michael: "A surveillance room next to this one."
Danny: "Okay, so you…set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. And it’s the sincerest form of flattery.


[User]
Danny: "Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here."
Michael: "No, we don’t. Here’s-here’s my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks."
Danny: "What do you mean, my tricks? There’s no tricks, man. I’m just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can’t copy that! [opens door to leave]"

[Assistant] Michael: You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that…I want you to work for me.


[User]
Danny: "What do you mean, my tricks? There’s no tricks, man. I’m just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can’t copy that! [opens door to leave]"
Michael: "You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that…I want you to work for me."
Danny: "Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy."

[Assistant] Michael: So, you will?


[User]
Danny: "Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy."
Michael: "So, you will?"
Danny: "[opening door again to leave] No!"

[Assistant] Michael: Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better…or to be worse or to stay the same?


[User]
Danny: "[opening door again to leave] No!"
Michael: "Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better…or to be worse or to stay the same?"
Danny: "Get out of my way."

[Assistant] Michael: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?


[User]
Danny: "Get out of my way."
Michael: "Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?"
Danny: "I swear to God, I’m gonna hit you. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I’m not-it’s just I’m very upset right now."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know.


[User]
Danny: "I swear to God, I’m gonna hit you. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I’m not-it’s just I’m very upset right now."
Michael: "I know, I know."
Danny: "I’m very upset!"

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?


[User]
Danny: "I’m very upset!"
Michael: "Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?"
Danny: "More freedom."

[Assistant] Michael: I can give you more money-there’s your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there’s your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?


[User]
Dwight: "Can I talk to you about something?"
Michael: "No, you may not."
Dwight: "It’s about this very announcement you just made."

[Assistant] Michael: I said no.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Lame. Why don’t witches wear panties?"
Michael: "Oh, here we go!"
Todd Packer: "Because they need to grip the broom!"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?


[User]
Darryl: "Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you."
Michael: "Yeah. I’m sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man."
Darryl: "I’m just glad we’re gonna try it out."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? We’re good?


[User]
Darryl: "I’m just glad we’re gonna try it out."
Michael: "Really? We’re good?"
Darryl: "Yeah. We’re cool."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl’s hand] Okay.


[User]
Darryl: "Yeah. We’re cool."
Michael: "Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl’s hand] Okay."
Darryl: "What’s under your shirt?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. It’s a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.


[User]
Darryl: "[answers phone] Hello?"
Michael: "Hi, Darryl, come out here, please."
Darryl: "I’m good."

[Assistant] Michael: You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!


[User]
Darryl: "I’m good."
Michael: "You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!"
Darryl: "This is embarrassing, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I bet it is! If you’re gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.


[User]
Dwight: "He went to Gabe behind your back."
Michael: "No, he didn’t go behind my back. He went over my head."
Dwight: "He went over your head to go behind your back."

[Assistant] Michael: What is taking someone from behind?


[User]
Dwight: "He went over your head to go behind your back."
Michael: "What is taking someone from behind?"
Dwight: "No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can’t have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous."

[Assistant] Michael: It was a good idea, though.


[User]
Dwight: "Garbage magnet. [throws magnet] Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don’t need to tart them up with some design. [to Michael] I can’t believe this doesn’t make you mad!"
Michael: "[staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about?"
Dwight: "Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don’t-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That’s inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?


[User]
Kevin: "I am so sorry."
Michael: "Oh, you’re sorry?"
Kevin: "I just thought-"

[Assistant] Michael: What did you just thought?


[User]
Darryl: "I’m not mad. Are you mad?"
Michael: "You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating."
Darryl: "Well, I’m sorry if it seems that way to you."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, that might help. If you said “I’m sorry” in front of everybody.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, this is a bad idea."
Michael: "What’s a bad idea?"
Pam: "Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?"

[Assistant] Michael: NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine.  I’m not Darryl. And thank God I’m not Darryl.


[User]
Gabe: "You’re right, we don’t need a hat."
Michael: "I am not budging on the hat issue."
Gabe: "Okay. We’re going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.


[User]
Gabe: "Okay. We’re going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period."
Michael: "Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe."
Gabe: "Okay, why don’t we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo."

[Assistant] Michael: Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we’ll give her a call.


[User]
Jim: "It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather."
Michael: "Are you talking to me?"
Jim: "[whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn."

[Assistant] Michael: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.


[User]
Pam: "I’m sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I’m so sorry."
Michael: "[normal voice] I’m not the godfather."
Pam: "Okay, thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: [clears his throat] So who is the godfather?


[User]
Pam: "Okay, thank you."
Michael: "[clears his throat] So who is the godfather?"
Pam: "Our friend, Seth, and his wife there."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Old friend, like, you’ve known him since kindergarten?


[User]
Pam: "Our friend, Seth, and his wife there."
Michael: "Okay. Old friend, like, you’ve known him since kindergarten?"
Pam: "No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They’re a great couple. You should meet them later."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I have plenty of friends, so… all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.


[User]
Pam: "No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They’re a great couple. You should meet them later."
Michael: "No, I have plenty of friends, so… all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show."
Pam: "Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that’s not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.


[User]
Male Church Member: "Oh, no, after you."
Michael: "No, I insist. After me."
Male Church Member: "[laughs] I’m gonna use that one. Have a good lunch."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. You too.


[User]
Dwight: "Greg, hello, it’s Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold."
Michael: "[overhearing Dwight’s conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey."
Dwight: "I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you kidding me? Stop it.


[User]
Guy: "Are you coming?"
Michael: "If you’ll have me, yes."
Guy: "Heck, yes."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right.


[User]
Phyllis: "Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?"
Michael: "Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them."
Phyllis: "Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?"

[Assistant] Michael: Tell them that I’m in a meeting.


[User]
Andy: "Good-bye, Lackawana County."
Michael: "How long till we get to Mexico?"
Andy: "Well, two days minus how long we’ve been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more."

[Assistant] Michael: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?


[User]
Andy: "Well, two days minus how long we’ve been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more."
Michael: "Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?"
Andy: "I don’t know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or…"

[Assistant] Michael: Why aren’t they building it themselves?


[User]
Andy: "I don’t know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or…"
Michael: "Why aren’t they building it themselves?"
Andy: "They don’t know how."

[Assistant] Michael: Do we know how? I don’t know how. You know how?


[User]
Andy: "They don’t know how."
Michael: "Do we know how? I don’t know how. You know how?"
Andy: "Well, Carla knows."

[Assistant] Michael: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?


[User]
Andy: "Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?"
Michael: "Oh, God, you know what? I’m gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday."
Andy: "And the Christmas party."

[Assistant] Michael: And Cinco de Mayo.


[User]
Andy: "And the Christmas party."
Michael: "And Cinco de Mayo."
Andy: "Nah, no. We’ll be back before that."

[Assistant] Michael: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven’t even started. Now we’re those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.


[User]
Andy: "It doesn’t matter."
Michael: "We could go back and forth all day. It’s not gonna solve anything."
Andy: "If we went to Mexico, we’d probably screw everything up anyway."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don’t. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?


[User]
Erin: "Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?"
Michael: "Is anyone still at the church?"
Erin: "No, actually most of them went to go see a movie."

[Assistant] Michael: What? Shut up.


[User]
Erin: "No, actually most of them went to go see a movie."
Michael: "What? Shut up."
Erin: "Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith’s minivan."

[Assistant] Michael: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.


[User]
Erin: "Uhh. It’s just that it’s our first party together so…"
Michael: "MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I’m a very busy man. I don’t have time for your TV show."
Erin: "[sad] Okay, sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m joking.


[User]
Erin: "[sad] Okay, sorry."
Michael: "I’m joking."
Erin: "Wait which one?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m joking. I’m kidding around! I’m not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I’m not busy at all, I’m not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I’m a total Gleek.


[User]
Erin: "Wait which one?"
Michael: "I’m joking. I’m kidding around! I’m not actually angry. [Erin laughs] I’m not busy at all, I’m not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I’m a total Gleek."
Erin: "Good me too!"

[Assistant] Michael: You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. [Jim makes a face] I am coming to your party.


[User]
Kevin: "Hey, you going tonight?"
Michael: "Yes, I am. Are you?"
Kevin: "Yeah! You gotta go to the boss’s party!"

[Assistant] Michael: What? No Gabe is… Gabe is not the boss.


[User]
Kevin: "Yeah! You gotta go to the boss’s party!"
Michael: "What? No Gabe is… Gabe is not the boss."
Kevin: "No he’s not the boss."

[Assistant] Michael: Why did you just say he was the boss?


[User]
Kevin: "No he’s not the boss."
Michael: "Why did you just say he was the boss?"
Kevin: "‘Cause, you’re the boss!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeeee… Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?


[User]
Gabe: "[takes remote] It’s a little loud…"
Michael: "Actually I think it’s not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! [takes remote, raises volume] There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!"
Gabe: "[lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation."

[Assistant] Michael: Well some of us are trying to have a…


[User]
Gabe: "[lowers volum] Some of us are trying to have a conversation."
Michael: "Well some of us are trying to have a…"
Gabe: "I’ll just turn the captions on."

[Assistant] Michael: [grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume.


[User]
Gabe: "I’ll just turn the captions on."
Michael: "[grabs different remote from the table] Well I will turn up the volume."
Gabe: "That’s for the other box."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay…  Heeeere’s what we’re gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!


[User]
Gabe: "Let’s go ahead and wash our hands."
Michael: "Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?"
Gabe: "Yep! Waste not right?"

[Assistant] Michael: So these are pizza dogs, they aren’t pigs in a blanket per se.


[User]
Gabe: "Erin you don’t have to…"
Michael: "You know what Erin you do have to."
Gabe: "Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be."

[Assistant] Michael: [grimacing] That’s what she said. [leaves]


[User]
Daryl: "[Michael walks into disarray of people’s reactions to the TV going out] Where you been?"
Michael: "I just went out for a walk."
Daryl: "Cable’s out."

[Assistant] Michael: What? Really? That stinks!


[User]
Erin: "[Michael is outside fixing the cable box] You did this?"
Michael: "No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah."
Erin: "Why don’t you like him?"

[Assistant] Michael: What is there to like? He’s just, he’s a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?


[User]
Erin: "Why don’t you like him?"
Michael: "What is there to like? He’s just, he’s a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?"
Erin: "I care if"

[Assistant] Michael: Why? I’m not your father. [Erin looks sad] All right.


[User]
Erin: "What? [confused]"
Michael: "Go to your room young lady!"
Erin: "[slowly getting it] Uhm, I’m not going to my room."

[Assistant] Michael: You listen to me. You listen good. You are are


[User]
Erin: "[slowly getting it] Uhm, I’m not going to my room."
Michael: "You listen to me. You listen good. You are are"
Erin: "You listen to me. You are"

[Assistant] Michael: As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.


[User]
Erin: "You listen to me. You are"
Michael: "As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say."
Erin: "I hate your roof!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh do not raise your voice to me!


[User]
Erin: "I hate your roof!"
Michael: "Oh do not raise your voice to me!"
Erin: "I’ll raise it how I want! I’ll raise the roof!"

[Assistant] Michael: Gahh, I will pull this car over!


[User]
Ryan: "Hey, I’m WUPHF."
Michael: "[wearing Ryan’s glasses] I’m Facebook."
Ryan: "What’s up Facebook?"

[Assistant] Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven’t heard anything back.


[User]
Ryan: "Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company."
Michael: "Your kidding?!"
Ryan: "We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way."

[Assistant] Michael: You and me.


[User]
Ryan: "We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way."
Michael: "You and me."
Ryan: "New Investors are key, though. That’s actually why I came in today."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t you work here full-time?


[User]
Ryan: "[chuckles] Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven’t invested yet."
Michael: "Mm-Hmm."
Ryan: "Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you."

[Assistant] Michael: That does sound fun to me.


[User]
Ryan: "WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you’re at spring break, Daytona Beach."
Michael: "Here we go."
Ryan: "Everyone’s like, “Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?” Or, Uh, “Hey, what’s up with that helicopter? It’s Ry from WUPHF!”"

[Assistant] Michael: “It’s Ryan the WUPHF guy!”


[User]
Ryan: "Everyone’s like, “Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?” Or, Uh, “Hey, what’s up with that helicopter? It’s Ry from WUPHF!”"
Michael: "“It’s Ryan the WUPHF guy!”"
Ryan: "“Yo, Ry from WUPHF!”"

[Assistant] Michael: “He’s up there.”


[User]
Ryan: "“Yo, Ry from WUPHF!”"
Michael: "“He’s up there.”"
Ryan: "“What’s he dropping?! Wow, what’s falling on us, man?!” WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!"

[Assistant] Michael: Look at that! He threw ’em on the ground!


[User]
Pam: "Hi, Michael."
Michael: "Can’t talk, saving the planet."
Pam: "Oh, we don’t recycle."

[Assistant] Michael: We Don’t? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?


[User]
Pam: "Oh, we don’t recycle."
Michael: "We Don’t? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?"
Pam: "I’m sure no one asked you to do that."

[Assistant] Michael: [throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years.


[User]
Pam: "I’m sure no one asked you to do that."
Michael: "[throws the sack of garbage onto the floor] Eight Years."
Pam: "Listen, I know you really like Ryan–"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I won’t even consider it.


[User]
Pam: "Listen, I know you really like Ryan–"
Michael: "No, I won’t even consider it."
Pam: "Michael, I… [sits down] I hate to say this, but… you know this special bond that you’ve always felt with Ryan, where, like, you’re best friends or you’re his mentor or something?"

[Assistant] Michael: Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, I… [sits down] I hate to say this, but… you know this special bond that you’ve always felt with Ryan, where, like, you’re best friends or you’re his mentor or something?"
Michael: "Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor."
Pam: "Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he’s taking advantage of you."

[Assistant] Michael: I think you are wrong.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he’s taking advantage of you."
Michael: "I think you are wrong."
Pam: "And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about."

[Assistant] Michael: You may be right. I may be crazy.


[User]
Pam: "And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about."
Michael: "You may be right. I may be crazy."
Pam: "Don’t."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m just saying that I think I agree with your point.


[User]
Pam: "Don’t."
Michael: "I’m just saying that I think I agree with your point."
Pam: "Yeah, but in a jokey way where you’re gonna start singing."

[Assistant] Michael: I thought it might make me feel better.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, but in a jokey way where you’re gonna start singing."
Michael: "I thought it might make me feel better."
Pam: "Okay. Go Ahead."

[Assistant] Michael: [singing] But it just may be a lunatic… [stops singing] No.


[User]
Ryan: "Michael, how’s it going, bro?"
Michael: "Good, good, bro."
Ryan: "Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there."

[Assistant] Michael: Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?


[User]
Ryan: "Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there."
Michael: "Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?"
Ryan: "I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money."

[Assistant] Michael: Nine days, though. That’s, like…


[User]
Ryan: "I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money."
Michael: "Nine days, though. That’s, like…"
Ryan: "Look, I know I’ve tapped you so hard."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.


[User]
Ryan: "Look, I know I’ve tapped you so hard."
Michael: "Yes, you have tapped this. Hard."
Ryan: "[laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You–people, people don’t give you enough credit."

[Assistant] Michael: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.


[User]
Ryan: "[laughs] Oh, you are funny, Michael. You–people, people don’t give you enough credit."
Michael: "Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo."
Ryan: "Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don’t seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower."

[Assistant] Michael: So you would think that’s a good idea for me to do?


[User]
Ryan: "Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot–"
Michael: "Mm-Hmm."
Ryan: "Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so…


[User]
Erin: "According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese."
Michael: "So much for keeping our secrets up high."
Erin: "What’s America gonna do?"

[Assistant] Michael: I know what we’re going to do. We’re going to put our best minds on it.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, China’s agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet ‘cha, but still agrarian."
Michael: "In terms of land, not population."
Oscar: "Come on Michael. You can…"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no you’re wrong about this.


[User]
Oscar: "Come on Michael. You can…"
Michael: "No, no you’re wrong about this."
Oscar: "Where are you getting this information?"

[Assistant] Michael: I got it from NewYorkTimes.com


[User]
Andy: "This guy doesn’t just wanna win. Y’know, he want’s to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!"
Michael: "Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?"
Andy: "I’m like a quarter of the way through."

[Assistant] Michael: Is it going to be worth it?


[User]
Oscar: "Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I’ve been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated."
Michael: "Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?"
Oscar: "We have missiles too."

[Assistant] Michael: Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that’s just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.


[User]
Oscar: "Actually, we’re in a mild recession right now. I’ll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan."
Michael: "How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?"
Oscar: "Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy’s heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I’d say that’s far more relevant. Wouldn’t you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t… I…


[User]
Oscar: "Don’t worry about the coffee, its on me."
Michael: "Yeah, I figured that."
Oscar: "Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat."

[Assistant] Michael: Wait. You forgetting something?


[User]
Toby: "Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I’ll be taking a leave of absence starting next week."
Michael: "Uh, because you’ve been on the Lam? Because the ‘boring police’ have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?"
Toby: "Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!


[User]
Toby: "I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let’s just say I’ll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]"
Michael: "That was the worst joke ever."
Toby: "Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.


[User]
Toby: "Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch."
Michael: "What? What?"
Toby: "Yeah, uh, she’ll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know."

[Assistant] Michael: Hold on, Holly’s coming back here?


[User]
Angela: "No, don’t throw those out!"
Michael: "No, we have to cancel the party."
Angela: "We can save that."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, we’re gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.


[User]
Andy: "I bought these."
Michael: "I know."
Andy: "These cookies are fine."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s not. They’re not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, Michael, wait we don’t have, we don’t have the budget for another party."
Michael: "Well then everybody’ll chip in, it’ll be fine."
Pam: "I honestly think you’re idealizing people here again, Michael. I don’t think that’s gonna happen."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, I’ll pay for it. I’ll pay for the party. It doesn’t matter. This is way too important. People, Holly’s coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.


[User]
Angela: "Maybe I’ll bring my boyfriend. I’ll invite him."
Michael: "Okay. Sure."
Angela: "I mean, unless there’s any chance there could be press at this party."

[Assistant] Michael: You never know about the press.


[User]
Angela: "I mean, unless there’s any chance there could be press at this party."
Michael: "You never know about the press."
Angela: "Well, I only ask because he’s a senator."

[Assistant] Michael: Could he help us with some parking tickets?


[User]
Angela: "Well, I only ask because he’s a senator."
Michael: "Could he help us with some parking tickets?"
Angela: "I don’t think that’s appropriate."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, then he’s not a senator.


[User]
Holly: "[weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn’t Michael Scott. You old bastard."
Michael: "[imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I’d see your face around these parts, you old bastard."
Holly: "Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard."

[Assistant] Michael: [as Curly] Why, you’re some sorta wise guy, huh?


[User]
Holly: "Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard."
Michael: "[as Curly] Why, you’re some sorta wise guy, huh?"
Holly: "[as Curly] I most certainly am."

[Assistant] Michael: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!


[User]
Holly: "Oh, it’s so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It’s like a party for limousine drivers."
Michael: "Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party."
Holly: "Oh, it’s fabulous. I love what you did."

[Assistant] Michael: Isn’t it wonderful? We love it here. Don’t you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.


[User]
Holly: "Oh, it’s fabulous. I love what you did."
Michael: "Isn’t it wonderful? We love it here. Don’t you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk."
Holly: "[in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they’re both loaded. [makes gun noises]"

[Assistant] Michael: What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?


[User]
Holly: "That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn’t seen any of the Toy Story movies."
Michael: "You’re kidding me. Ahh!"
Holly: "No. I know. I was like, “What? Are you serious?”"

[Assistant] Michael: What a douche bag!


[User]
Holly: "No. I know. I was like, “What? Are you serious?”"
Michael: "What a douche bag!"
Holly: "Get a life!"

[Assistant] Michael: Get a… yeah! Good riddance.


[User]
Holly: "Now he’s the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever."
Michael: "Good for him."
Holly: "Next day I found him in my bed."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? That’s creepy. How did AJ get in your house?


[User]
Holly: "Next day I found him in my bed."
Michael: "Really? That’s creepy. How did AJ get in your house?"
Holly: "We live together."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, you do?


[User]
Holly: "We live together."
Michael: "Oh, you do?"
Holly: "He had a little note pinned to him that said, “You’ve got a friend in me.”"

[Assistant] Michael: [fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman’s the best.


[User]
Dwight: "Wait, what girlfriend?"
Michael: "I haven’t told you about her."
Dwight: "I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that’s pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, “Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.”


[User]
Holly: "You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I’d get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?"
Michael: "When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, “Michael, I love you, but I can’t do this.” But then, with this other guy, you don’t have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me."
Holly: "Michael, I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: And we did this whole stupid party for you.


[User]
Aj: "Just now. Hey, Michael."
Michael: "Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome."
Aj: "Pleased to see you. Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: Good trip down?


[User]
Aj: "Pleased to see you. Thank you."
Michael: "Good trip down?"
Aj: "Yeah, it was great."

[Assistant] Michael: Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, wait!"
Michael: "Oh, hey, hey, no, don’t run. You’re gonna slip."
Pam: "That’s good advice."

[Assistant] Michael: Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.


[User]
Pam: "That’s good advice."
Michael: "Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died."
Pam: "That’s a sad story."

[Assistant] Michael: [voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.


[User]
Pam: "That’s a sad story."
Michael: "[voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married."
Pam: "Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything’s gonna be okay."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s not. It’s not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.


[User]
Kelly: "Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You’re re-gifting this to me."
Michael: "No, that’s not… no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you."
Kelly: "Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt."

[Assistant] Michael: [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That…


[User]
Jada: "A horse."
Michael: "A horse."
Jada: "A pool."

[Assistant] Michael: You, are you sure you don’t want a pony? You want a real horse?


[User]
Erin: "Gummi bears and gummi worms."
Michael: "Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin."
Erin: "Ukulele’s happy?"

[Assistant] Michael: Sad, something to break.


[User]
Erin: "Thank you! And two bottles of scotch."
Michael: "Both sad."
Erin: "And did you get the tickets?"

[Assistant] Michael: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly’s favorite. I hope she doesn’t call us up on stage. That would suck. “Hey, you think you can do my job better?” I don’t know. “What’s your name?” Michael.


[User]
Video Michael: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe."
Michael: "I’m trying!"
Video Michael: "I said breathe!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m trying!


[User]
Video Michael: "Shut that off!"
Michael: "I’m not listening to music!"
Video Michael: "Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin’ good! You’re lookin’ good. [roping Michael in] Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I’m pulling you back! Michael dance off!"

[Assistant] Michael: Go! Oh, that’s nice.


[User]
Holly: "I got it for Christmas. I’m so out of my league here."
Michael: "[imitating E.T.] E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?"
Holly: "[imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone."

[Assistant] Michael: [imitating E.T.] Why?


[User]
Holly: "[imitating E.T.] Holly misses old phone."
Michael: "[imitating E.T.] Why?"
Holly: "[imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception."

[Assistant] Michael: [imitating E.T.] Bummer.


[User]
Holly: "[imitating E.T.] New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception."
Michael: "[imitating E.T.] Bummer."
Holly: "[imitating E.T.] Bummer."

[Assistant] Michael: [imitating E.T.] Reese’s Pieces.


[User]
Pam: "I’m not… I’m not going to have…"
Michael: "Do you love him now?"
Pam: "No! Just talk to her."

[Assistant] Michael: No. She’d just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. [disgusted voice] Oh, hi friend! Blegh.


[User]
Phyllis: "I’ll talk to her, Michael."
Michael: "You think she’d talk to you?"
Phyllis: "Why wouldn’t she?"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s true. She’s really nice. She’d talk to anybody. Why don’t you bring Erin to balance you out?


[User]
Pam: "Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that’s fine."
Michael: "Is it?"
Pam: "Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I’ll be down to one glass of iced tea a week."

[Assistant] Michael: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.


[User]
Creed: "Well, I can’t, I don’t know how."
Michael: "You’re just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what’s going to be on your tombstone?  Loser."
Creed: "My tombstone’s already made, thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: Just do a cartwheel!


[User]
Kevin: "All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?"
Michael: "Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. [reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out] Oh, God! You guys are pathetic."
Kevin: "Can I get some candy, or something?"

[Assistant] Michael: No! You can’t have any candy!


[User]
Holly: "Yes, Michael?"
Michael: "[imitating E.T.] Not Michael, E.T."
Holly: "What’s up?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.


[User]
Holly: "What’s up?"
Michael: "Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there."
Holly: "Oh, no, Michael, I don’t want to talk about it with you. I mean, I’m fine, I just… I don’t want to talk about it."

[Assistant] Michael: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.


[User]
Kevin: "You were super mean."
Michael: "It was insensitive and I am sorry."
Kevin: "It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn’t be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again."

[Assistant] Michael: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies… I… care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.


[User]
Kevin: "It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn’t be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again."
Michael: "I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies… I… care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line."
Kevin: "Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re right. And I hope that we can still be friends.


[User]
Creed: "Yes, sir."
Michael: "You know what? I’m going to stay here as long as it takes."
Creed: "I really appreciate it, Boss."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s about you. It’s about you. Go!


[User]
David: "You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that."
Michael: "Oh no no, I’m not picking on you at all. You’re English, correct?"
David: "Yeah big time, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m working on an English character. Would you mind gi…  It’s called Reginald Pooftah.


[User]
David: "Herrow! Herrow!"
Michael: "I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!"
David: "You can’t do that these days. You can’t."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. And people don’t understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.


[User]
David: "You can’t do that these days. You can’t."
Michael: "No, no, no. And people don’t understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality."
David: "No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That’s what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s good. Pleasure to meet you.


[User]
David: "Where are you working?"
Michael: "Dunder Mifflin."
David: "Any jobs now?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, not right now.


[User]
David: "Any jobs now?"
Michael: "No, not right now."
David: "Just let me know."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. See you around.


[User]
David: "Just let me know."
Michael: "All right. See you around."
David: "All right."

[Assistant] Michael: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.


[User]
Holly: "Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian."
Michael: "Ugh. You’re the fifth person to tell me that today."
Holly: "Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.


[User]
Holly: "What do you do in your free time?"
Michael: "[as Mikanos] Practice Olympics."
Holly: "Mmm. Do you like movies?"

[Assistant] Michael: [as Mikanos] I like the musical “Grease”, or as we call it, “home”.


[User]
Holly: "Mmm. Do you like movies?"
Michael: "[as Mikanos] I like the musical “Grease”, or as we call it, “home”."
Holly: "We have to try this out on somebody."

[Assistant] Michael: [as Mikanos] Hello.


[User]
Holly: "[with accent] It’s a very strong coffee with milk from a goat."
Michael: "[laughs] I can’t believe-ee. It’s a miracle. She can talk!"
Holly: "No more brain damage."

[Assistant] Michael: No more brain damage!


[User]
Andy: "Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so…"
Michael: "[as Mikanos] Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I’m going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it’s a secret, and I’ll tell you. [exits conference room] [normal voice] All, you have to close right now."
Andy: "Yeah, I mean, I’m getting to it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you’re not. You’re getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.


[User]
Andy: "Yeah, I mean, I’m getting to it."
Michael: "No, you’re not. You’re getting past it. You have to close. You can do it."
Andy: "Yeah, yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Andy, what’s the problem?