[User]
Jim: "Oh, I told you. I couldn’t close it. So…"
Michael: "So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?"
Jim: "Actually, you called me in here, but yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it’s done.


[User]
Pam: "Uh, yeah. Just a fax."
Michael: "Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There’s a special filing cabinet for things from corporate."
Pam: "You haven’t told me."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.


[User]
Jan: "[on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great."
Michael: "Corporate really doesn’t really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello.  I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because… well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not. But, um… Yeah."
Jan: "Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um… Me no get an agenda.


[User]
Jan: "Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?"
Michael: "Um… Me no get an agenda."
Jan: "What? I’m sorry?"

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t get any agenda.


[User]
Jan: "What? I’m sorry?"
Michael: "I didn’t get any agenda."
Jan: "Well, I faxed one over to you this morning."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? I didn’t… [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?


[User]
Pam: "Uh, yeah, the one…"
Michael: "Why isn’t it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what’s the problem, Pam? Why didn’t I get it?"
Pam: "You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother’s, and… It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn’t work great with faxes.


[User]
Jan: "Michael, don’t panic."
Michael: "No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent."
Jan: "No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don’t panic. We haven’t made… We haven’t decided."

[Assistant] Michael: All the alarm bells are kind of going… ringie-dingie-ding!


[User]
Jan: "No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don’t panic. We haven’t made… We haven’t decided."
Michael: "All the alarm bells are kind of going… ringie-dingie-ding!"
Jan: "I’ve spoken to Josh in Stamford. I’ve told him the same as you and it’s up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other."

[Assistant] Michael: OK. No problem.


[User]
Jan: "I’ve spoken to Josh in Stamford. I’ve told him the same as you and it’s up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other."
Michael: "OK. No problem."
Jan: "This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing."

[Assistant] Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn’t wish that on Josh’s men. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?


[User]
Todd Packer: "Hey, you big queen."
Michael: "Oh, that’s not appropriate."
Todd Packer: "Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, I don’t know what you mean.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?"
Michael: "Uh, I don’t know what you mean."
Todd Packer: "I’ve been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God! Oh! That’s… horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first."
Michael: "Assistant to the Regional Manager."
Dwight: "OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m about to tell everybody. I’m just about to tell everybody.


[User]
Dwight: "Please, OK? Do you want me to tell ’em?"
Michael: "You don’t know what it is. [Laughs]"
Dwight: "OK. You tell ’em. With my permission. Permission granted."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t need your permission.


[User]
Dwight: "OK. You tell ’em. With my permission. Permission granted."
Michael: "I don’t need your permission."
Dwight: "Go ahead."

[Assistant] Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.


[User]
Dwight: "Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager."
Michael: "Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything."
Dwight: "Uh… yeah I got a ’78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It’s now worth three grand."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s his profit.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it’s so relaxed. I’m a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That’s sort of one of the rules."
Michael: "What is that?"
Dwight: "That is my stapler."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.


[User]
Pam: "You got a fax."
Michael: "Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first."
Pam: "What? Why?"

[Assistant] Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing.


[User]
Pam: "What? Why?"
Michael: "Why? Well, theft and stealing."
Pam: "Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?"

[Assistant] Michael: Post-it Notes.


[User]
Pam: "Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?"
Michael: "Post-it Notes."
Pam: "Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?"

[Assistant] Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know,  you’ve made a profit… margin. You’re gonna run us out of business, Pam.


[User]
Pam: "Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?"
Michael: "50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know,  you’ve made a profit… margin. You’re gonna run us out of business, Pam."
Pam: "Are you serious?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. I am.


[User]
Pam: "Are you serious?"
Michael: "Yeah. I am."
Pam: "I can’t believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you’re firing me."

[Assistant] Michael: But the best thing about it is that we’re not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and… Just clean out your desk. I’m sorry.


[User]
Ryan: "Uh, Shemp."
Michael: "Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita."
Ryan: "Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, comedy’s kinda my thing. Watch this, here’s Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I’m Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]


[User]
Pam: "Oh, yeah."
Michael: "Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh… I check the jewels every month. This time… You know, it’s a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So… What’s, um… What you eating?"
Pam: "Smoked turkey."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.


[User]
Oscar: "All right."
Michael: "Did you have a good weekend going there?"
Oscar: "It was fine."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar—


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great."
Michael: "Come on people, let’s get ’em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!"
Mr. Brown: "Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this’ll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don’t look at you as another race.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this’ll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance."
Michael: "You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don’t look at you as another race."
Mr. Brown: "Uh, see this is what I’m talking about. We don’t have to pretend we’re color-blind."

[Assistant] Michael: Exactly, were not…


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity."
Michael: "Let’s celebrate."
Mr. Brown: "Right. OK."

[Assistant] Michael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let’s celebrate diversity. Right?


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Right. OK."
Michael: "Celebrate good times. Come on! Let’s celebrate diversity. Right?"
Mr. Brown: "Yes, exactly. Now here’s what we’re going to do. I’ve noticed that…"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? Here’s what we’re going to do. Why don’t we go around and everybody… everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Mr. Brown."
Michael: "Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that."
Mr. Brown: "Well, it’s my name. It’s not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I’ve noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it’s the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK."

[Assistant] Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I’m white and Chris is black?


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Well, it’s my name. It’s not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I’ve noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it’s the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK."
Michael: "How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I’m white and Chris is black?"
Mr. Brown: "So we’re going to reenact this with a more positive outcome."

[Assistant] Michael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "So we’re going to reenact this with a more positive outcome."
Michael: "I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off."
Mr. Brown: "Well, let’s have someone who wasn’t involved in the reenactment."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, I will play guy listening.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Wait a second."
Michael: "[Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!"
Mr. Brown: "Stop it!"

[Assistant] Michael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look ’em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge."
Michael: "[Clears throat] I don’t think I can sign this."
Mr. Brown: "I can’t leave until you do."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so… I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so… Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?


[User]
Mr. Brown: "We both know that I’m here because of the comments you made."
Michael: "Here’s the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of… racial awareness and it’s probably more advanced than you’re used to. That’s probably throwing you off a little bit."
Mr. Brown: "Um, it’s not throwing me. I need your signature."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn’t be embarrassed."
Michael: "Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don’t."
Mr. Brown: "Don’t worry about dating."

[Assistant] Michael: I won’t.


[User]
Toby: "Hey, we’re not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]"
Michael: "Get out."
Toby: "I’m sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let’s go. Let’s do it. Come on. Let’s have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um… thanks for coming in. Um… Diversity… is the cornerstone of progress as I’ve always said. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s take a look at the tape.


[User]
Oscar: "What part Native American?"
Michael: "Two fifteenths."
Oscar: "Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn’t make any sense."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you know what, it’s kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let’s get this popping. Come on. Who’s going? Who’s going? Let’s go here. Oscar, right here. You’re on.


[User]
Oscar: "My parents were Mexican."
Michael: "Wow. That is… That is a great story. That’s the American Dream right there, right?"
Oscar: "Thank… Yeah…"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?


[User]
Oscar: "Thank… Yeah…"
Michael: "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?"
Oscar: "Mexican isn’t offensive."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.


[User]
Oscar: "Mexican isn’t offensive."
Michael: "Well, it has certain connotations."
Oscar: "Like what?"

[Assistant] Michael: Like… I don’t… I don’t know.


[User]
Oscar: "Like what?"
Michael: "Like… I don’t… I don’t know."
Oscar: "What connotations, Michael? You meant something."

[Assistant] Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty…


[User]
Oscar: "What connotations, Michael? You meant something."
Michael: "No. Now, remember that honesty…"
Oscar: "I’m just curious."

[Assistant] Michael: …empathy, respect… [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour."
Michael: "Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour."
Mr. Brown: "Does this company have 100 years to erase?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, the country.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Does this company have 100 years to erase?"
Michael: "No, the country."
Mr. Brown: "Oh right, more like 200 years."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate."
Michael: "Well, it’s not ideal but you have to give me some credit ’cause I made it into a word."
Mr. Brown: "Yeah, but it’s not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid."

[Assistant] Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We’re all a family, right? We’re all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally…


[User]
Mr. Brown: "Yeah, but it’s not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid."
Michael: "I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We’re all a family, right? We’re all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally…"
Mr. Brown: "Okay, Michael, I just…"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.


[User]
Dwight: "Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action."
Michael: "[mumbling] Should I… turn, no. Do it again."
Dwight: "Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action."

[Assistant] Michael: Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles… Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don’t laugh; please don’t laugh this time Dwight. You’re… it’s, it’s bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.


[User]
Dwight: "Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action."
Michael: "Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles… Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don’t laugh; please don’t laugh this time Dwight. You’re… it’s, it’s bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one."
Dwight: "Take six."

[Assistant] Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton… Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.


[User]
Pam: "It didn’t have anything to do with race."
Michael: "Okay, all right. Let’s keep on track. Keep on point. Let’s do it."
Pam: "One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time."

[Assistant] Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my… [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She’s not here, but she gets it. That’s what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It’s like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?


[User]
Pam: "Nothing new."
Michael: "Lay them on me. What?"
Pam: "There’s nothing new."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s not what you said earlier.


[User]
Pam: "There’s nothing new."
Michael: "That’s not what you said earlier."
Pam: "Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the… [nods toward camera]"

[Assistant] Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.


[User]
Jan: "So, which health plan have you decided on?"
Michael: "I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works."
Jan: "Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think it was you who didn’t look closely enough at the Gold Plan.


[User]
Jan: "Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?"
Michael: "I think it was you who didn’t look closely enough at the Gold Plan."
Jan: "The Gold Plan? I’m not even on that plan."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’d recommend it. It’s very good.


[User]
Jan: "You know the whole reason that we’re doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan."
Michael: "Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um… It won’t be popular decision around the old orifice."
Jan: "It’s your job. So…"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it’s a suicide mission, you know.


[User]
Jan: "Michael… maybe… I mean…"
Michael: "There, there…"
Jan: "Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time."

[Assistant] Michael: [scoffs] When have you ever done that?


[User]
Dwight: "OK, first, let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?"
Michael: "Ah, none. You’re picking a health care plan."
Dwight: "OK, we’ll table that for the time being. Two, I’ll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine."

[Assistant] Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.


[User]
Dwight: "OK, we’ll table that for the time being. Two, I’ll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine."
Michael: "You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace."
Dwight: "[to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his."

[Assistant] Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.


[User]
Dwight: "[to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his."
Michael: "Nope, you cannot use it."
Dwight: "OK, I take it back, it’s a workspace."

[Assistant] Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.


[User]
Dwight: "OK, I take it back, it’s a workspace."
Michael: "Temporary workspace. You can use it."
Dwight: "Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we’ve talked about that already.


[User]
Pam: "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."
Michael: "[on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How’s tricks?"
Pam: "Where are you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I’m busy, busy, busy. Can’t step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody’s doing. Everybody cool out there?


[User]
Pam: "Where are you?"
Michael: "Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I’m busy, busy, busy. Can’t step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody’s doing. Everybody cool out there?"
Pam: "Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out ’cause the…"

[Assistant] Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I’m getting a call.


[User]
Pam: "Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out ’cause the…"
Michael: "Pam! Whoa, whoa, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I’m getting a call."
Pam: "No you’re not."

[Assistant] Michael: I have to make a call after I finish… my work. You know what? Uh, just don’t let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I’m just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah, you said…"
Michael: "No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don’t you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?"
Dwight: "I can handle that."

[Assistant] Michael: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there’s some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?


[User]
Man On Phone: "You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It’s not really a ride."
Michael: "Its says here that it’s a 300ft drop."
Man On Phone: "It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly."

[Assistant] Michael: So it’s not a free fall?


[User]
Man On Phone: "It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly."
Michael: "So it’s not a free fall?"
Man On Phone: "It’s an industrial coal elevator."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what… you got laser tag or something?


[User]
Stanley: "Oh, thanks."
Michael: "There you go."
Stanley: "This isn’t the big surprise, is it? Because we’ve been having a pretty horrible day."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn’t the surprise. It’s surprising, um… because you didn’t expect it. But you will… you’ll know it when you see it.


[User]
Oscar: "Michael I need to talk to you."
Michael: "Sorry, too busy can’t even come to the door."
Oscar: "[opens door] Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, no… [hurries to get up from chair]


[User]
Oscar: "[opens door] Michael."
Michael: "Yeah, no… [hurries to get up from chair]"
Oscar: "Michael, Michael I… [blinds rustle] … inside."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what. I, um, I’m out the door. I’m going to a meeting. Pam, I’m headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.


[User]
Man On Phone: "Oh, I think we already did our order this month."
Michael: "No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here’s the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride."
Man On Phone: "You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It’s not really a ride."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it says here that it’s a 300ft drop.


[User]
Man On Phone: "You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It’s not really a ride."
Michael: "Well, it says here that it’s a 300ft drop."
Man On Phone: "Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly."

[Assistant] Michael: So it’s not a free fall?


[User]
Man On Phone: "Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly."
Michael: "So it’s not a free fall?"
Man On Phone: "It’s an industrial coal elevator."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh… Do you have laser tag down there or something?


[User]
Man On Phone: "It’s an industrial coal elevator."
Michael: "Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh… Do you have laser tag down there or something?"
Man On Phone: "No, you just look around. It’s a historically preserved coal mine."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s it?


[User]
Man On Phone: "No, you just look around. It’s a historically preserved coal mine."
Michael: "That’s it?"
Man On Phone: "Well, there’s the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There’s also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone]"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, he’s a small client. They don’t really buy much.


[User]
Dwight: "One word."
Michael: "I’ve really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He’s more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] “Hi. I’m Mork from Ork.” Well, I’m Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] “That’s Good morning, Vietnam!” Well, hello to you. You know it would be… God. And you know what, sometimes when I’m watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He’ll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn’t even gotten to it. He doesn’t even know what it is it. So it’s fun, you know it’s fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of… comedically ahead of like what’s going on. Like I’ll watch T.V. and I’ll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone’s gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they’ll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There’s going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there’s like, “Oh you’re… God your butt is fat.” And I knew it. I know it’s like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don’t go there. Um, but other… You know it’s like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No."
Dwight: "Oh, um… Jan wants you to call her."

[Assistant] Michael: We’re all going bowling!


[User]
Dwight: "I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?"
Michael: "There’s no downsizing."
Dwight: "I, but if there were, I’d be protected as assistant regional manager?"

[Assistant] Michael: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "I, but if there were, I’d be protected as assistant regional manager?"
Michael: "Assistant to the regional manager Dwight."
Dwight: "Yeah, so I don’t have to worry?"

[Assistant] Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn’t guarantee it if there’s downsizing, okay?


[User]
Pam: "Okay, umm… that would be Meredith."
Michael: "Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!"
Pam: "But it’s not until next month."

[Assistant] Michael: Um… uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it’ll be a surprise.


[User]
Pam: "But it’s not until next month."
Michael: "Um… uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it’ll be a surprise."
Pam: "You still want to have a party?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!


[User]
Oscar: "Donate to the charity?"
Michael: "Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here."
Oscar: "Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m always good… for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you… $25.


[User]
Oscar: "Thank you."
Michael: "No, I’m always good… for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you… $25."
Oscar: "That’s… that’s… that’s very generous."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my gosh, well… Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into… morale. That’s what I say, so…


[User]
Dwight: "Hey, you wanted to see me?"
Michael: "Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?"
Dwight: "I don’t think she’d be missed."

[Assistant] Michael: There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t think she’d be missed."
Michael: "There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend."
Dwight: "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies."

[Assistant] Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.


[User]
Dwight: "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies."
Michael: "I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside."
Dwight: "She had a hysterectomy."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Which one is that again?


[User]
Dwight: "She had a hysterectomy."
Michael: "[laughs] Which one is that again?"
Dwight: "That’s where they remove the uterus."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?


[User]
Dwight: "That’s where they remove the uterus."
Michael: "Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?"
Dwight: "It could be kind of funny."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just… OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I’ll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.


[User]
Meredith: "Uh, I can’t. Um…"
Michael: "Come on. A little bit."
Meredith: "I can’t eat dairy."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It’s so good.


[User]
Meredith: "I can’t eat dairy."
Michael: "Oh, right. God, too bad. It’s so good."
Meredith: "Yeah, it makes me sick."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I’d kill myself. ‘Cause this is way, way too good.


[User]
Jim: "Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar’s charity. What was it? 25 bucks?"
Michael: "Well, you know, money isn’t everything Jim. It’s not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you’ll give more than three dollars next time."
Jim: "Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It’s gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So… God, I can’t even calculate what you’re gonna have to give."

[Assistant] Michael: Is Oscar around?


[User]
Oscar: "Well, that’s what a walk-a-thon is."
Michael: "I know…"
Oscar: "It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, “However many dollars per mile.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um…


[User]
Oscar: "It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, “However many dollars per mile.”"
Michael: "Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um…"
Oscar: "I just think it’s kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn’t what I wasn’t, that wasn’t… No. It-it-it’s not about the money. It’s just… it… it’s the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How’s your nephew? Is he in good shape?


[User]
Meredith: "“Happy Bird-day” Um… “Meredith, good news. You’re not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.”"
Michael: "[under his breath] I don’t know about that."
Meredith: "That was Stanley. “Meredith, happy birthday, you’re the best. Love, Pam.”"

[Assistant] Michael: [pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer.


[User]
Meredith: "That was Stanley. “Meredith, happy birthday, you’re the best. Love, Pam.”"
Michael: "[pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer."
Meredith: "This is from Michael. “Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you’re gettin’ old.


[User]
Meredith: "This is from Michael. “Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”"
Michael: "Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you’re gettin’ old."
Meredith: "No, I… I get it. It’s funny."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, OK, here’s a good one. Um… “Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?


[User]
Meredith: "No, I… I get it. It’s funny."
Michael: "[laughs] You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, OK, here’s a good one. Um… “Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?"
Meredith: "You’re right. You’re right. Yes."

[Assistant] Michael: Divorce. Um… OK, “Meredith is so old…”


[User]
Pam: "[telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please."
Michael: "All righty then, well I see you’re going for the whole bored supermodel thing. “Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?” [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke."
Pam: "I wasn’t really going for anything."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, “Oh, oh-hum.” A beautiful sunset, “No, I’ll catch the next one.” Right? Unicorn walks into the office, “Oh, do you have an appointment?” [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you’re doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you’re not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.


[User]
Pam: "I wasn’t really going for anything."
Michael: "No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, “Oh, oh-hum.” A beautiful sunset, “No, I’ll catch the next one.” Right? Unicorn walks into the office, “Oh, do you have an appointment?” [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you’re doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you’re not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff."
Pam: "Are you being serious?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I’d like you to smile. I’d like to see a big smile.


[User]
Pam: "No one’s calling."
Michael: "I know, somebody will. And we’ll wait."
Pam: "Sometimes there’s a lot of time between the calls."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know, we will wait.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I could tell."
Michael: "I wasn’t smiling that time and they can tell too."
Pam: "That was a good example."

[Assistant] Michael: Thank you. All right, when we get a call I’ll come back and you’ll do the smile.


[User]
Pam: "That was a good example."
Michael: "Thank you. All right, when we get a call I’ll come back and you’ll do the smile."
Pam: "Okay. [telephone rings]"

[Assistant] Michael: Show time! It’s show time!


[User]
Toby: "Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?"
Michael: "No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can’t. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so…"
Toby: "It’s just a birthday card."

[Assistant] Michael: I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you’re ruining it. Toby, come on.  Just, look at that. That’s wrecked. Ass. Get some white out.


[User]
Toby: "It’s just a birthday card."
Michael: "I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you’re ruining it. Toby, come on.  Just, look at that. That’s wrecked. Ass. Get some white out."
Toby: "There’s some right there."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s my white out. Get your own white out. Just… what’s the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin.


[User]
Dwight: "You wanted to see me?"
Michael: "Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?"
Dwight: "I don’t think she’d be missed."

[Assistant] Michael: There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t think she’d be missed."
Michael: "There’s not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend."
Dwight: "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies."

[Assistant] Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.


[User]
Dwight: "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies."
Michael: "I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside."
Dwight: "She had a hysterectomy."

[Assistant] Michael: Which one is that again?


[User]
Dwight: "She had a hysterectomy."
Michael: "Which one is that again?"
Dwight: "That’s where they remove the uterus."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?


[User]
Dwight: "That’s where they remove the uterus."
Michael: "Oh God! Dwight, no. I’m trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?"
Dwight: "It could be kind of funny."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?


[User]
Dwight: "It could be kind of funny."
Michael: "[sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?"
Dwight: "Mmm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: Help me out here.


[User]
Dwight: "Mmm-hmm."
Michael: "Help me out here."
Dwight: "Okay. Hey Meredith, where’s your uterus?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.


[User]
Oscar: "I never suggested…"
Michael: "No, no. I know you didn’t intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don’t it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions."
Oscar: "Michael, if I gave you…"

[Assistant] Michael: No, hey  it’s just kinda uncool, okay? I, just… Play fair, you know, play fair.


[User]
Meredith: "“Meredith, let’s hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.”"
Michael: "Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you’re gettin’ old."
Meredith: "No, I…I get it. It’s funny."

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, Okay, here’s a good one. Um…”Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?


[User]
Meredith: "No, I…I get it. It’s funny."
Michael: "[laughs] You didn’t get the joke. So, that’s cool. That’s, you know what? Actually… I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn’t use. Um… Oh, where’s that? Oh, Okay, here’s a good one. Um…”Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.” ‘Cause Meredith’s been divorced like, twice. Is that right?"
Meredith: "You’re right. You’re right. Yes."

[Assistant] Michael: Divorce. Um… Okay, “Meredith is so old…”


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team."
Michael: "No. And that’s not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior."
Dwight: "Oh, please."

[Assistant] Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game…


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, please."
Michael: "[to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game…"
Dwight: "I apologized for that."

[Assistant] Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you.


[User]
Dwight: "I apologized for that."
Michael: "[to Dwight] I vouched for you."
Dwight: "Michael, I…"

[Assistant] Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.  All right, here’s what I’m going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I…"
Michael: "I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.  All right, here’s what I’m going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar."
Dwight: "I can handle that."

[Assistant] Michael: Good. Excellent, it’ll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we’re going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody’s gonna want to do it and I know everybody’s gonna complain and bitch and I don’t want to have to deal with that.


[User]
Dwight: "I can handle that."
Michael: "Good. Excellent, it’ll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we’re going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody’s gonna want to do it and I know everybody’s gonna complain and bitch and I don’t want to have to deal with that."
Dwight: "And that’s why you have an assistant regional manager."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to  the regional manager.


[User]
Dwight: "And that’s why you have an assistant regional manager."
Michael: "Yes it is. Assistant to  the regional manager."
Dwight: "[to camera] Same thing."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s not. It’s lower, so…


[User]
Darryl: "We’re loading at one."
Michael: "Oh, I see, you’re chickening out on me. You’re bailing on me."
Darryl: "No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that’s the busy time."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, well, I’m glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I’m down here it doesn’t seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can’t take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]


[User]
Darryl: "No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that’s the busy time."
Michael: "Oh, well, I’m glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I’m down here it doesn’t seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can’t take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]"
Darryl: "All right, fine, you know what? One o’clock."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, see you at one.


[User]
Dwight: "Can I be team captain?"
Michael: "No, I’m team captain."
Dwight: "Can I be team manager?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.


[User]
Darryl: "Just getting a tea bag."
Michael: "Oh ho, oh, he’s running. He’s running. He’s running, but he can’t hide because you know what? One o’clock, you better bring your ‘A’ game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!"
Darryl: "Why don’t we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley’s."

[Assistant] Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I’m gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.


[User]
Dwight: "[taking off his shirt] OK, we’ll be skins!"
Michael: "Aw, come on Dwight."
Dwight: "What? Shirts on or off?"

[Assistant] Michael: On. Just put it on.


[User]
Dwight: "What? Shirts on or off?"
Michael: "On. Just put it on."
Dwight: "You sure?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don’t you do the uh, jump ball OK?


[User]
Worker: "I’m sorry."
Michael: "Foul! Foul!"
Worker: "I’m sorry. You all right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, that hurts.


[User]
Worker: "I’m sorry. You all right?"
Michael: "Oh, that hurts."
Worker: "Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that."

[Assistant] Michael: What’s your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?


[User]
Worker: "No it wasn’t."
Michael: "[mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I’m just being fair."
Worker: "Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up…"

[Assistant] Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I’m sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that’s just… we’re having a friendly game. It’s a shame. This is a damn shame, but we’re like a family here and that just, that won’t fly.


[User]
Pam: "New pants?"
Michael: "Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing."
Pam: "Abercrombie & Fitch?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.


[User]
Dwight: "In your office? [in Michael’s office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager."
Michael: "Yes, yes. Assistant to  the regional manager."
Dwight: "[to camera] Same thing."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s not. It’s lower.


[User]
Dwight: "[to camera] Same thing."
Michael: "No, it’s not. It’s lower."
Dwight: "It’s close."

[Assistant] Michael: What was that?


[User]
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael’s laughing]"
Michael: "I’m not your lover! I’m am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist."
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] Bergerstein!"

[Assistant] Michael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]


[User]
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] Bergerstein!"
Michael: "Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]"
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] Bergerstein!"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s not a Jewish joke, so don’t worry.


[User]
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] Bergerstein!"
Michael: "It’s not a Jewish joke, so don’t worry."
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!"

[Assistant] Michael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One ‘o clock. Big game, big game.


[User]
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!"
Michael: "[clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One ‘o clock. Big game, big game."
Todd Packer: "[sounds sick on the phone] I can’t make it."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We’re counting on ya. You know you’re playing point guard.


[User]
Todd Packer: "[sounds sick on the phone] I can’t make it."
Michael: "Mmm. No, you said you could man. We’re counting on ya. You know you’re playing point guard."
Todd Packer: "[on the phone] I… I’m not coming."

[Assistant] Michael: No. Hey… I mean, although it’s just for fun, you know we want… I was counting on you man.


[User]
Stanley: "Oh, my ankle!"
Michael: "Stanley, gotta play hurt."
Stanley: "Oh, actually no I don’t Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I just want you know, you’ve been a big disappointment to me today, okay.


[User]
Stanley: "Oh, actually no I don’t Michael."
Michael: "I just want you know, you’ve been a big disappointment to me today, okay."
Stanley: "[in pain] Oh. Go away."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m in. I’m in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We’re playing zone!


[User]
Jan: "What did I just say?"
Michael: "You just said, let me uh… check my notes.  You just said…"
Jan: "Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, hey how is Alan?  Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!


[User]
Jan: "We’ve created an incentive program to increase sales."
Michael: "Uh, huh."
Jan: "At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars."

[Assistant] Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That’s cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?


[User]
Jan: "At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars."
Michael: "Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That’s cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?"
Jan: "Uh, yes. Yes you can."

[Assistant] Michael: Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that’ve been promoted to…


[User]
Jan: "Uh, yes. Yes you can."
Michael: "Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that’ve been promoted to…"
Jan: "No, Michael. No. You can’t win this prize."

[Assistant] Michael: I didn’t mean me!


[User]
Pam: "There’s a person here…"
Michael: "And fries!"
Pam: "There’s…"

[Assistant] Michael: And shake! What? Go ahead.


[User]
Pam: "There’s…"
Michael: "And shake! What? Go ahead."
Pam: "There’s a person here who wants to sell handbags."

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.


[User]
Pam: "There’s a person here who wants to sell handbags."
Michael: "No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction."
Pam: "Okay, I told her you’d talk to her."

[Assistant] Michael: Pam. Pam. Come on, I’m busy. So just tell her to go away.


[User]
Dwight: "So am I."
Michael: "Nobody cares what you think."
Dwight: "Doesn’t matter."

[Assistant] Michael: So uh, you know what? I usually don’t allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It’s yours. All day.


[User]
Katy: "Regular coffee is fine."
Michael: "Nah, it’s not. it’s spppplllibbb"
Katy: "No really it is."

[Assistant] Michael: No, here’s the thing. Y’know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they’re always putting up walls and I’m always tearing ’em down, just breakin’ down barriers, that’s what I do all day.  So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?


[User]
Katy: "No really it is."
Michael: "No, here’s the thing. Y’know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they’re always putting up walls and I’m always tearing ’em down, just breakin’ down barriers, that’s what I do all day.  So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?"
Katy: "Bring it on."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.


[User]
Katy: "Thank you."
Michael: "I have an idea.  Why don’t I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?"
Katy: "Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?


[User]
Katy: "That was on Sesame Street."
Michael: "I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he’d never heard that before he worked here?"
Katy: "No, I don’t believe that."

[Assistant] Michael: I know, it’s unbelievable.


[User]
Katy: "[to Pam] Come back…"
Michael: "Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something.  I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones."
Katy: "Is that from Starbucks?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.


[User]
Katy: "Is that from Starbucks?"
Michael: "Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers."
Katy: "Wow. Is that for the office?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not prying this out of my hands, but don’t tempt me because I’ll give it to you!


[User]
Katy: "Wow. Is that for the office?"
Michael: "Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not prying this out of my hands, but don’t tempt me because I’ll give it to you!"
Katy: "I wouldn’t think of it."

[Assistant] Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It’s a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It’s not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!


[User]
Katy: "Oh, nothing.  My ride just bailed on me."
Michael: "Oh, oh! God. I’m sorry. Is there…?"
Katy: "Oh no, it’s um…"

[Assistant] Michael: Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.


[User]
Katy: "No. I really don’t want to inconvenience you."
Michael: "God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I’m out of here at five sharp."
Katy: "At five?"

[Assistant] Michael: I can go earlier. ‘Cause I’m the boss. You know, whatever. I’m out of here slaves.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s actually better this way."
Michael: "No it’s not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I’m onto—"
Dwight: "Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it’s against the rules and everything. Because…"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no it’s not against the rules.  She’s not a permanent employee so it’s not.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it’s against the rules and everything. Because…"
Michael: "No, no, no it’s not against the rules.  She’s not a permanent employee so it’s not."
Dwight: "Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much."

[Assistant] Michael: But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.


[User]
Dwight: "Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?"
Michael: "Well, might be a ride home.  Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot…"
Dwight: "Please. Please, I am your inferior and I’m asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?"

[Assistant] Michael: No. I cannot promise you that.


[User]
Dwight: "You cannot promise me, or you won’t promise me?"
Michael: "Listen, Dwight."
Dwight: "Do you love her?"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Dwight, no. I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. I don’t know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]


[User]
Stanley: "Is that from the machine that was in your office?"
Michael: "Ummm-hmmm…"
Stanley: "I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson."

[Assistant] Michael: Very easy to clean.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I gave it to you."
Michael: "Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin’. Just checkin’, double checkin’, checkin’ on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and…"
Pam: "So, can I..? [points to the door]"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?


[User]
Ryan: "No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept."
Michael: "No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I’m not paying for the label. Right here. Give it."
Ryan: "Well, it’s empty."

[Assistant] Michael: Not it’s not, there’s some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out.


[User]
Ryan: "Well, it’s empty."
Michael: "Not it’s not, there’s some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out."
Ryan: "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s over several months, Ryan.


[User]
Katy: "Thank you."
Michael: "Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]"
Katy: "Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.


[User]
Ryan: "What kind do you like?"
Michael: "Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music."
Ryan: "Okay, do you  like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of ’em.


[User]
Ryan: "Okay, do you  like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?"
Michael: "Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of ’em."
Ryan: "Okay. Do you like The Strokes?"

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm hmm. I like ’em.


[User]
Ryan: "Okay. Do you like The Strokes?"
Michael: "Mmm hmm. I like ’em."
Ryan: "Do you like The Hives?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. God. They’re awesome.


[User]
Ryan: "Do you like The Hives?"
Michael: "Yes. God. They’re awesome."
Ryan: "You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.


[User]
Ryan: "You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?"
Michael: "Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great."
Ryan: "Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those."

[Assistant] Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up  with some Fleebulls and some Hive.


[User]
Stanley: "I don’t know where they are, I think I threw them out."
Michael: "Oh, no you di-int."
Stanley: "I think I did."

[Assistant] Michael: W-why did you…


[User]
Stanley: "I think I did."
Michael: "W-why did you…"
Stanley: "Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time.  We ran out last year, remember?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes we should. I… you know what?  I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them.


[User]
Jan: "Really? I’m dropping an atomic bomb on you?"
Michael: "Well, yeah, I mean, what is…"
Jan: "You already had a party on May 5th for no reason."

[Assistant] Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…


[User]
Jan: "You already had a party on May 5th for no reason."
Michael: "No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party…"
Jan: "And you had a luau…."

[Assistant] Michael: …it happens once every billion years.


[User]
Jan: "And you had a luau…."
Michael: "…it happens once every billion years."
Jan: "And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.


[User]
Jan: "And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money."
Michael: "Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N."
Jan: "Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.


[User]
Roy: "[on video] Yes."
Michael: "[on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you’d like to say, on Pam’s behalf?"
Roy: "[on video] Ah, w-we’ll see you next year."

[Assistant] Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!


[User]
Jim: "No, it’s hilarious, you’re right. I just think, um, “world’s longest engagement”, um, we’re all expecting it, you know?"
Michael: "That’s why it’s funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don’t get married, it gets funnier."
Jim: "Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh.


[User]
Dwight: "Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions…"
Michael: "Just don’t, don’t talk-"
Dwight: "…for people’s behavior."

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t talk-


[User]
Dwight: "…for people’s behavior."
Michael: "Don’t talk-"
Dwight: "And it’s-"

[Assistant] Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!


[User]
Stanley: "You said, we could bring our families."
Michael: "I did. And why didn’t ya Stanley?"
Stanley: "I did, my wife’s name is Terri."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’m looking forward to meeting Terri.


[User]
Stanley: "I did, my wife’s name is Terri."
Michael: "Well, I’m looking forward to meeting Terri."
Stanley: "It’s this person who’s hand I’m holding Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.


[User]
Phyllis: "This says “Bushiest Beaver”."
Michael: "What? I told them busiest…idiots."
Phyllis: "It’s, it’s fine."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, we’ll fix it up. You don’t have to display that.


[User]
Kelly: "“Spicy Curry”, what’s that mean?"
Michael: "Um, not everything means something, it’s just a joke."
Kelly: "Yeah, but why’d you give it to me?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know, it’s just…


[User]
Kelly: "Yeah, but why’d you give it to me?"
Michael: "I don’t know, it’s just…"
Kelly: "This is a bowler-"

[Assistant] Michael: I know. It’s ju- they didn’t have any more businessmen. So…


[User]
Kelly: "This is a bowler-"
Michael: "I know. It’s ju- they didn’t have any more businessmen. So…"
Kelly: "Yeah, but everyone else-"

[Assistant] Michael: Just sit down Kelly.


[User]
Jim: "Mmm-hmmm."
Michael: "What do we know about him? He’s an accountant."
Jim: "He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He’s a bowler."

[Assistant] Michael: [talking over Jim] He’s fat. The fat accountant award.


[User]
Dwight: "Michael, I need to talk to you."
Michael: "Here he is."
Dwight: "I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies’ room wall."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? What did they say? “For a good time, call Michael Scott”?


[User]
Dwight: "By any means necessary?"
Michael: "What does that even mean? What are you… What are you talking about?"
Dwight: "It’s the ladies’ room."

[Assistant] Michael: Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don’t tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy.


[User]
Oscar: "I think many people find that character slightly racist."
Michael: "Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me."
Oscar: "Look, I’m just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what… Why do you care?


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah, you know me."
Michael: "[singing] You down with the Dundies?"
Dwight: "The Dundies!"

[Assistant] Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies? You’re all my homies


[User]
Dwight: "The Dundies!"
Michael: "[singing] You down with the Dundies? You’re all my homies"
Dwight: "You know me."

[Assistant] Michael: [singing] You down with the Dundies?


[User]
Dwight: "You know me."
Michael: "[singing] You down with the Dundies?"
Dwight: "Yeah, you know me."

[Assistant] Michael: [singing] Yeah, all the homies


[User]
Toby: "I’m just saying I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award."
Michael: "He’s hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?"
Toby: "Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on."

[Assistant] Michael: [sighing] It was unanimous, Toby.


[User]
Toby: "Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on."
Michael: "[sighing] It was unanimous, Toby."
Toby: "It wasn’t a vote. You decided."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn’t even about what Ryan thinks. It’s about you. It’s about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it.


[User]
Toby: "It wasn’t a vote. You decided."
Michael: "Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn’t even about what Ryan thinks. It’s about you. It’s about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it."
Toby: "Okay, that is not true."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, it is true.


[User]
Toby: "Okay, that is not true."
Michael: "Yes, it is true."
Toby: "‘Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I don’t have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade…


[User]
Manager: "Right now."
Michael: "Don’t wanna forget that."
Manager: "You and your party really need to leave right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili’s?


[User]
Manager: "You and your party really need to leave right now."
Michael: "Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili’s?"
Manager: "You know what? Don’t worry about it."

[Assistant] Michael: Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili’s Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year.


[User]
Dwight: "Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?"
Michael: "Um, I…"
Dwight: "Consider it?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah… maybe. Maybe. Well, we’ll see. Because I… I don’t know if it’s… [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!


[User]
Todd Packer: "What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!"
Michael: "Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!"
Todd Packer: "[makes laser gun noises]"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.


[User]
Todd Packer: "bleep, bleep. What’s up, Halpert?"
Michael: "Uh oh."
Todd Packer: "Still queer?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!


[User]
Todd Packer: "We’re talking blonde incompetent."
Michael: "Oh, yeah."
Todd Packer: "Like 10 words a minute… talking."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, to be fair… blondes, brunettes, you know, there’s a lot of dumb people out there.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Like 10 words a minute… talking."
Michael: "Well, to be fair… blondes, brunettes, you know, there’s a lot of dumb people out there."
Todd Packer: "They are women, right?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh! Wow! I didn’t say it! I didn’t say it!


[User]
Todd Packer: "They are women, right?"
Michael: "Oh! Wow! I didn’t say it! I didn’t say it!"
Todd Packer: "I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?"
Michael: "Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um… Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]"
Todd Packer: "[to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let’s go."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.


[User]
Toby: "The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy."
Michael: "No, no, Toby. No."
Toby: "It’s really not a big deal, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: It is a big deal. It’s a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!


[User]
Toby: "on our policy."
Michael: "What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?"
Toby: "Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones."

[Assistant] Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s a joke.


[User]
Toby: "I can go over it with you."
Michael: "I know, I know. It’s good. It is not over. It is not over til it’s over."
Toby: "It’s over."

[Assistant] Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn’t because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we’re losing? Seriously?


[User]
Angela: "Email forwards."
Michael: "Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?"
Angela: "I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you’ll have bad luck."

[Assistant] Michael: Give me a break. Umm… Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl’s outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?


[User]
Toby: "Well, that would be…"
Michael: "At home? And I told everybody everything about it."
Toby: "Okay, I’m lost."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well, then let’s act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be… Okay! We’ll use the doll. Pam. Pam?


[User]
Jan: "You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What’s the problem?"
Michael: "The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can’t say anything."
Jan: "Well, that… that’s true in a way. You can’t say anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Where’s the line? Where’s the line, Jan.


[User]
Jan: "Well, that… that’s true in a way. You can’t say anything."
Michael: "Where’s the line? Where’s the line, Jan."
Jan: "Do you need to see the video again, Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’ve seen the video.


[User]
Jim: "Does that include ‘That’s What She Said’?"
Michael: "Mmmhmm. Yes."
Jim: "Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!


[User]
Todd Packer: "There he is."
Michael: "Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]"
Todd Packer: "There he is. Good one."

[Assistant] Michael: You would have done the same. You just didn’t think of it first.


[User]
Jan: "Mike… Michael. Please. I… I… really."
Michael: "It’s… That’s…"
Jan: "That’s not my sense of humor."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O’Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.


[User]
Phyllis: "I’m the same age as you, Michael."
Michael: "I don’t know about that."
Phyllis: "We’re in the same High School class."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September’s a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There’s a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.


[User]
Phyllis: "You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to…"
Michael: "I’m not worried."
Phyllis: "…report you to HR."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what? The only thing I’m worried about… is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.


[User]
Pam: "He said what?"
Michael: "Good morning, Pam."
Pam: "Good morning, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: What’s going on?


[User]
Pam: "You look real thin."
Michael: "I don’t get what you mean."
Pam: "You just… You look good. Your shirt looks… You look real good."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, you said I looked thin, so what does… Does that mean I’m like thin weird or thin handsome or… [laughing]


[User]
Pam: "You just… You look good. Your shirt looks… You look real good."
Michael: "Well, you said I looked thin, so what does… Does that mean I’m like thin weird or thin handsome or… [laughing]"
Pam: "Thin handsome, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]


[User]
Pam: "We’re not dating."
Michael: "No, but I’m saying hypothetically if we were dating…"
Pam: "We’re not dating, I’m engaged."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.


[User]
Pam: "We’re not dating, I’m engaged."
Michael: "Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out."
Pam: "I would say no."

[Assistant] Michael: You say yes, and we go out.


[User]
Pam: "I would say no."
Michael: "You say yes, and we go out."
Pam: "I would drown myself."

[Assistant] Michael: And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.


[User]
Ryan: "I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit."
Michael: "Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan."
Ryan: "What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don’t you take a couple hours. The office is yours. “Home Alone,” “Risky Business.” Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.


[User]
Ryan: "What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?"
Michael: "Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don’t you take a couple hours. The office is yours. “Home Alone,” “Risky Business.” Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do."
Ryan: "I’m just going to take a nap in my car until work starts."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.


[User]
Dwight: "You should go."
Michael: "Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough."
Dwight: "Uh huh."

[Assistant] Michael: Sign the papers at the condo.


[User]
Dwight: "Uh huh."
Michael: "Sign the papers at the condo."
Dwight: "You have your lawyer there?"

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, I don’t need one.


[User]
Dwight: "You have your lawyer there?"
Michael: "Uh, I don’t need one."
Dwight: "Can I be your representative?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t need a representative.


[User]
Dwight: "I think I should be there."
Michael: "No, No."
Dwight: "I’m good. I can make sure things are up to code."

[Assistant] Michael: No. Dwight. I’m fine.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m good. I can make sure things are up to code."
Michael: "No. Dwight. I’m fine."
Dwight: "Please, I’m always the guy you rely on at work."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, this isn’t about work. This is closing on a condo, it’s completely personal.


[User]
Dwight: "Please, I’m always the guy you rely on at work."
Michael: "Well, this isn’t about work. This is closing on a condo, it’s completely personal."
Dwight: "So you’re taking a personal day?"

[Assistant] Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.


[User]
Dwight: "So you’re taking a personal day?"
Michael: "Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work."
Dwight: "Please, I’ll make you proud."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.


[User]
Dwight: "Please, I’ll make you proud."
Michael: "Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come."
Dwight: "Yes! As your representative?"

[Assistant] Michael: As my associate.


[User]
Dwight: "Yes! As your representative?"
Michael: "As my associate."
Dwight: "Same thing."

[Assistant] Michael: No it is not.


[User]
Dwight: "Same thing."
Michael: "No it is not."
Dwight: "I have been Michael’s #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that’s the way they talk in movies.


[User]
Pam: "Have a great time."
Michael: "We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?"
Pam: "Yeah, I changed them to your new address."

[Assistant] Michael: Good. The Small Business Man?


[User]
Pam: "Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription."
Michael: "How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?"
Pam: "[shakes head]"

[Assistant] Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don’t just read Cracked.  Thank you.


[User]
Dwight: "What kind of shocks you got on this baby?"
Michael: "I don’t know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?"
Dwight: "[tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down."

[Assistant] Michael: What? No, Dwight. It’s fifty degrees outside.  Don’t… please…


[User]
Dwight: "[tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down."
Michael: "What? No, Dwight. It’s fifty degrees outside.  Don’t… please…"
Dwight: "But then no one can see us."

[Assistant] Michael: I… Just… Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.


[User]
Dwight: "But then no one can see us."
Michael: "I… Just… Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner."
Dwight: "Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator."

[Assistant] Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh. Terrible idea."
Michael: "I’m putting my bed right over here."
Dwight: "No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee.


[User]
Dwight: "No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed."
Michael: "Well, then I will get a warrantee."
Dwight: "Warrantees don’t cover it, plus they’re a rip-off."

[Assistant] Michael: Well then I won’t get a warrantee.


[User]
Dwight: "Warrantees don’t cover it, plus they’re a rip-off."
Michael: "Well then I won’t get a warrantee."
Dwight: "Shh Shh."

[Assistant] Michael: So that’s the problem, is solved. What?


[User]
Carol: "Michael, this is the unit you saw and…"
Michael: "Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles."
Carol: "Who told you that?"

[Assistant] Michael: As far as I can tell, I’m the best-looking person here.


[User]
Carol: "Is this a financial thing? If it’s a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom."
Michael: "No, no, no."
Carol: "That’s some extra income for you."

[Assistant] Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.


[User]
Dwight: "I don’t even know what to say."
Michael: "I’m thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we’ll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you’re, you know, you’re gone."
Dwight: "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"

[Assistant] Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?


[User]
Dwight: "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?"
Michael: "What the hell is a terrarium?"
Dwight: "It’s a fish tank for snakes and lizards."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.


[User]
Dwight: "Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?"
Michael: "We take separate cars."
Dwight: "Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?"

[Assistant] Michael: Why would we do that?


[User]
Dwight: "You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm.  We paid it off early."
Michael: "Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst."
Dwight: "People love beets."

[Assistant] Michael: Nobody likes beets.


[User]
Dwight: "People love beets."
Michael: "Nobody likes beets."
Dwight: "Everybody loves beets."

[Assistant] Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I’d love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.


[User]
Dwight: "Everybody loves beets."
Michael: "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I’d love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet."
Dwight: "Let’s get this roof going."

[Assistant] Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight’s arm]


[User]
Jim: "These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You’re on the top one.  [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]"
Michael: "I don’t really know what to say. Um, I’m not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment."
Jim: "And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal."

[Assistant] Michael: Get up here, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "What are the specs?"
Michael: "Oh, okay. I’ll tell you. Let’s see here. Three bedroom, two bath…"
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] Nice."

[Assistant] Michael: …contemporary townhouse. Two car parking…


[User]
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] Nice."
Michael: "…contemporary townhouse. Two car parking…"
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] Yes."

[Assistant] Michael: …wall-to-wall carpets…


[User]
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] Yes."
Michael: "…wall-to-wall carpets…"
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] God, what a steal."

[Assistant] Michael: …all fixtures included. Yes, this is… This is looking good.


[User]
Dwight: "[talking over Michael] God, what a steal."
Michael: "…all fixtures included. Yes, this is… This is looking good."
Dwight: "Does it have a deck?"

[Assistant] Michael: I think it does.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s time."
Michael: "Are we ready?"
Dwight: "That’s it."

[Assistant] Michael: Are we gonna do it?


[User]
Dwight: "Seal it off."
Michael: "What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?"
Dwight: "Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God. Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation."
Michael: "Oh, my God. Dwight."
Dwight: "Seal it off with drywall so you don’t hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids’ room.


[User]
Dwight: "Seal it off with drywall so you don’t hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time."
Michael: "You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids’ room."
Dwight: "Kids? You don’t even have a girlfriend."

[Assistant] Michael: I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I’m gonna get married and I’m gonna have kids.


[User]
Dwight: "Kids? You don’t even have a girlfriend."
Michael: "I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I’m gonna get married and I’m gonna have kids."
Dwight: "Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not gonna date a 55-year-old woman.


[User]
Dwight: "Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?"
Michael: "I’m not gonna date a 55-year-old woman."
Dwight: "Just a possibility."

[Assistant] Michael: No, it’s not. Just shut up.


[User]
Dwight: "Just a possibility."
Michael: "No, it’s not. Just shut up."
Dwight: "If you fall in love with her."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re an ass. Shut it.


[User]
Dwight: "If you fall in love with her."
Michael: "You’re an ass. Shut it."
Dwight: "I smell mold."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you don’t.


[User]
Dwight: "I smell mold."
Michael: "No, you don’t."
Dwight: "Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here.


[User]
Ryan: "Ah, well, I’m interested in business."
Michael: "Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?"
Ryan: "Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company."

[Assistant] Michael: That is ridiculous.


[User]
Ryan: "That’s actually a test prep book."
Michael: "…for Phone. What?"
Ryan: "That’s a test prep for business school."

[Assistant] Michael: Um, oh, thinking about business school?


[User]
Ryan: "No, not yet."
Michael: "Uh huh."
Ryan: "Just started."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Quiz me.


[User]
Ryan: "Just started."
Michael: "Yeah. Quiz me."
Ryan: "I… wouldn’t even know where to start."

[Assistant] Michael: Come on, egghead. Let’s do it.


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn’t need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks."
Michael: "Okay, Dwight."
Dwight: "Self taught. You didn’t even go to college."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, Dwight? You don’t need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know… Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then… then you’d know what you’re talking about.


[User]
Dwight: "Self taught. You didn’t even go to college."
Michael: "You know what, Dwight? You don’t need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know… Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then… then you’d know what you’re talking about."
Dwight: "[scoffs] Come on. I’m studying with the master, huh?"

[Assistant] Michael: For instance, why don’t you go to business…


[User]
Stanley: "Come on people, you know the rules of the game now."
Michael: "Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?"
Stanley: "Okay. It’s called Who Would You Do?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I’m falling asleep. What, uh… . Where are we? Where are we here?  Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?


[User]
Ryan: "You got to… you got to give it to me again."
Michael: "Okay. Alright."
Ryan: "Now I have it."

[Assistant] Michael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir…


[User]
Dwight: "[coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing."
Michael: "Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don’t teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school."
Dwight: "That’s exactly what I said."

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?


[User]
Dwight: "That’s exactly what I said."
Michael: "Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?"
Dwight: "Were you absent?"

[Assistant] Michael: Toaster Oven 101?


[User]
Dwight: "I’m Michael’s number two. He’s one, I’m two. He’s Alpha, I’m Beta. He’s A, I’m B. It’s easy. Whatever Michael is, I’m one less."
Michael: "Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four:"
Dwight: "Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule.


[User]
Dwight: "That is so cool."
Michael: "Mmm-hmm."
Dwight: "Plus you can go, “Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five.”"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m not trying to trick him. I’m trying to be a good mentor. So…


[User]
Dwight: "Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot."
Michael: "No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan."
Dwight: "You could ask for an extension."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it.


[User]
Sherri: "[on phone] Jan Levinson’s office."
Michael: "Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning."
Sherri: "Oh, she’s in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I’m gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it’s best to wait till the end of the day.


[User]
Sherri: "Oh, she’s in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go."
Michael: "Well, I’m gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it’s best to wait till the end of the day."
Sherri: "I just need the name of who you’re planning to let go."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know… yet. I will have to call her back.


[User]
Sherri: "Mm-Hmm."
Michael: "I’ll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri."
Sherri: "Hey, I’m still here."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay! I’m sorry.


[User]
Pam: "Mm-hmm."
Michael: "Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do."
Pam: "Why did you put it off until Halloween?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because it’s very scary stuff.


[User]
Pam: "Why did you put it off until Halloween?"
Michael: "Because it’s very scary stuff."
Pam: "I think it’s gonna put a damper on the party a little."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re worried about the party? There’s a man’s life at stake here.


[User]
Pam: "I think it’s gonna put a damper on the party a little."
Michael: "You’re worried about the party? There’s a man’s life at stake here."
Pam: "So it’s a man?"

[Assistant] Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance… and who you think deserved to be fired – who would that be?


[User]
Pam: "So it’s a man?"
Michael: "No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance… and who you think deserved to be fired – who would that be?"
Pam: "I just answer the phone."

[Assistant] Michael: And… sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.


[User]
Pam: "I just answer the phone."
Michael: "And… sometimes you just let it go to voicemail."
Pam: "You’re costume is fantastic! [laughs]"

[Assistant] Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]


[User]
Pam: "You’re costume is fantastic! [laughs]"
Michael: "I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]"
Pam: "Oh no, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.


[User]
Kelly: "Why is that?"
Michael: "“Bend It Like Beckham.”"
Kelly: "Oh, like … the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect.


[User]
Kelly: "Oh, like … the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?"
Michael: "[laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect."
Kelly: "Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don’t really play soccer or anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I don’t really have two heads. So…


[User]
Dwight: "Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela."
Michael: "It’s not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale."
Dwight: "One of the warehouse guys."

[Assistant] Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?


[User]
Dwight: "One of the warehouse guys."
Michael: "[turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?"
Dwight: "Who is he saying?"

[Assistant] Michael: You’re right, I didn’t even think of him.


[User]
Dwight: "Who is he saying?"
Michael: "You’re right, I didn’t even think of him."
Dwight: "No, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, that’s actually a really good idea.


[User]
Dwight: "No, Michael."
Michael: "Yeah, that’s actually a really good idea."
Dwight: "No, not me."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah… I could.


[User]
Dwight: "No, not me."
Michael: "Yeah… I could."
Dwight: "Not Dwight."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not saying that’s what he said.


[User]
Dwight: "Not Dwight."
Michael: "I’m not saying that’s what he said."
Dwight: "I know that’s what he said."

[Assistant] Michael: [listening to his head] What?


[User]
Dwight: "I know that’s what he said."
Michael: "[listening to his head] What?"
Dwight: "Tell him, not Dwight."

[Assistant] Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.


[User]
Dwight: "Tell him, not Dwight."
Michael: "That is not a very nice thing to say about him."
Dwight: "Tell him to stop."

[Assistant] Michael: Are you kidding?


[User]
Dwight: "Tell him to stop."
Michael: "Are you kidding?"
Dwight: "Quiet, you."

[Assistant] Michael: I agree. He’d land on his feet.


[User]
Dwight: "He wouldn’t listen to me"
Michael: "Ahh, come on."
Dwight: "If you want to fire him, you’re going to have to tell him yourself."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I’m certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just… [waves Dwight away]


[User]
Dwight: "And I turned it down."
Michael: "What?! That would’ve solved all my problems."
Dwight: "Out of loyalty to this company…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, you idiot.


[User]
Dwight: "Out of loyalty to this company…"
Michael: "Oh, you idiot."
Dwight: "… so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially."

[Assistant] Michael: If you left, I wouldn’t have to fire anybody.


[User]
Dwight: "… so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially."
Michael: "If you left, I wouldn’t have to fire anybody."
Dwight: "But then you wouldn’t have me here."

[Assistant] Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would’ve worked out so well. Can you get it back?


[User]
Dwight: "But then you wouldn’t have me here."
Michael: "Big deal. Oh, it would’ve worked out so well. Can you get it back?"
Dwight: "It’s in Maryland."

[Assistant] Michael: You can call. Can you call ’em?


[User]
Dwight: "It’s in Maryland."
Michael: "You can call. Can you call ’em?"
Dwight: "I can’t. I… I suppose I coul… no. They never really made me an offer anyway."

[Assistant] Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, I really didn’t mean to…"
Michael: "Help. Me."
Jim: "I’m sorry?"

[Assistant] Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, are you firing Creed?"
Michael: "No, no, no. That’s just the first thing… came… in head."
Jim: "We should switch seats in order to…"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, that’s a good idea.


[User]
Jim: "We should switch seats in order to…"
Michael: "Yes, that’s a good idea."
Jim: "Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I’m really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it’s purely budgetary. It’s not personal…"

[Assistant] Michael: Aaaahh! I’m gonna kill myself!


[User]
Jim: "That’s an overreaction."
Michael: "Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they’re saying this has to be done by the end of the month."
Jim: "Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you…"

[Assistant] Michael: I… this is Creed.


[User]
Jim: "Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought."
Michael: "And I’m very angry, and I want…"
Jim: "[picks up the phone] Michael Scott here."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m gonna kill you. I’m going to kill you for firing me.


[User]
Jim: "[picks up the phone] Michael Scott here."
Michael: "I’m gonna kill you. I’m going to kill you for firing me."
Jim: "Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth…"

[Assistant] Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just… yeah.


[User]
Creed: "What are you telling me?"
Michael: "I… we’re gonna have to… You… you want something better."
Creed: "No, I don’t. I wanna stay right here."

[Assistant] Michael: No, you wanna leave.


[User]
Creed: "No, I don’t. I wanna stay right here."
Michael: "No, you wanna leave."
Creed: "No, I wanna stay here."

[Assistant] Michael: Why… why are you making this so hard?


[User]
Creed: "No, I wanna stay here."
Michael: "Why… why are you making this so hard?"
Creed: "Um, I think there’s a misunderstanding, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I think you’re right.


[User]
Creed: "Um, I think there’s a misunderstanding, Michael."
Michael: "I think you’re right."
Creed: "Can I go?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, of course  you can’t go. We haven’t even started this horrible process of… okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you’re a great guy, and I like you, you’re… you’re, goodbye.


[User]
Creed: "Let’s call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days."
Michael: "What old days? What are you talking about?"
Creed: "Did you start the paperwork yet?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s right here on the desk, yeah.


[User]
Creed: "Did you start the paperwork yet?"
Michael: "It’s right here on the desk, yeah."
Creed: "You don’t have to do this, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t, I can’t…


[User]
Creed: "You don’t have to do this, Michael."
Michael: "I can’t, I can’t…"
Creed: "Undo it!"

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t change anything. This is the way…


[User]
Creed: "Undo it!"
Michael: "I can’t change anything. This is the way…"
Creed: "No, you have the power to undo it."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t… okay, just listen.


[User]
Creed: "No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You’re they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you’d see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You’re a fine man."
Michael: "Don’t…"
Creed: "Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one’s gonna miss him. Good, good, good."

[Assistant] Michael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?


[User]
Devon: "Creed’s an idiot, you know that."
Michael: "Well, he…"
Devon: "No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, maybe I did.


[User]
Devon: "No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time."
Michael: "Well, maybe I did."
Devon: "Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man."

[Assistant] Michael: Huh. No! I can’t, no. I can’t go back. I would look like an idiot.


[User]
Devon: "So you might not look like an idiot?"
Michael: "No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and…"
Devon: "This is unbelievable!"

[Assistant] Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.


[User]
Kid: "I’m a bumble bee."
Michael: "You look great! And you’re a princess?"
Kid: "A fairy princess."

[Assistant] Michael: A fairy princess. You’re very… .


[User]
Kid: "A fairy princess."
Michael: "A fairy princess. You’re very… ."
Kid: "I’m a lion."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your… Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that’s all yours. That’s all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.


[User]
Toby: "Michael, do you have the name of the employee you’re letting go? I’d like to start working on out-placement."
Michael: "Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it’s you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can’t say that I’m sorry. It’s a relief."
Toby: "I don’t report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York."

[Assistant] Michael: You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you’re not doing your job. Why don’t you just resign?


[User]
Toby: "I don’t report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York."
Michael: "You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you’re not doing your job. Why don’t you just resign?"
Toby: "They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative."

[Assistant] Michael: Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have.


[User]
Toby: "They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative."
Michael: "Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have."
Toby: "I know, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?


[User]
Creed: "No, no. I had some, thanks."
Michael: "[slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?"
Creed: "Fifteen years, I think."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, that’s right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement.