[User]
Jim: "Why don’t we head in your office to talk?"
Michael: "Oh what a week, God.  We said… I know there were certain things we said…"
Jim: "Michael, look I’ll just be honest with you.  Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion.  I actually think that talk went really well.  And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed."

[Assistant] Michael: Hmmm, that’s weird, that’s weird… it’s kinda weirding me out.  Did you know that Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, look I’ll just be honest with you.  Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion.  I actually think that talk went really well.  And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed."
Michael: "Hmmm, that’s weird, that’s weird… it’s kinda weirding me out.  Did you know that Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy."
Jim: "Michael, did you say anything?"

[Assistant] Michael: Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.


[User]
David: "So, what, you’re changing your mind about Jim?"
Michael: "Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on]  Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job."
David: "Michael, it seems like you’re cutting in and out… This is not what you said earlier."

[Assistant] Michael: Wha… here’s the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.


[User]
David: "Michael, it seems like you’re cutting in and out… This is not what you said earlier."
Michael: "Wha… here’s the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him."
David: "Well, it doesn’t change what you showed me in Jim’s file."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, nnnn, that… that was an anomaly.  That file had been falsified.  Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.


[User]
Jim: "How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job."
Michael: "I never recommended you because I didn’t want to lose you and I didn’t want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don’t wanna lose the baby."
Jim: "So instead, you screwed me?"

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what she…


[User]
Erin: "David Wallace is calling."
Michael: "Kind of in the middle of something here."
Erin: "Should I tell him you’ll call him back?"

[Assistant] Michael: I, yeah… no, I’ll tell him myself.  Let’s both.


[User]
David: "Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?"
Michael: "No, it’s just us."
David: "Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, oh, well here he is right now.  [Michael knocks on desk]  Come in.  [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer]


[User]
Dwight: "Okay people,  listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed…"
Michael: "Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make… whoa do you have an announcement?"
Dwight: "I’m… I was making it."

[Assistant] Michael: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.


[User]
Dwight: "Jim won’t sign my expense report."
Michael: "That is not– okay– that is day-to-day."
Dwight: "No, that is huge."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re trying to trick me.


[User]
Dwight: "No, that is huge."
Michael: "You’re trying to trick me."
Dwight: "This has to do–"

[Assistant] Michael: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.


[User]
Jim: "Okay, maybe we should talk specifics."
Michael: "Let’s do."
Jim: "Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."

[Assistant] Michael: N– well, to be fair, Jim… James… Jimothy… To be fair, Jimothy, the– ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?


[User]
Jim: "Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "N– well, to be fair, Jim… James… Jimothy… To be fair, Jimothy, the– ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?"
Jim: "I am."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn’t about planets…


[User]
Jim: "Yes, I agree."
Michael: "Because it’s a big universe, and we’re all just little, tiny specks of dust."
Jim: "I just think that maybe they’re eating large amounts of the day."

[Assistant] Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it’s light out, you wake up, it’s dark. That’s the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.


[User]
Jim: "How about this? I think our goal should be we don’t have meetings unless they’re absolutely essential."
Michael: "Alright. No more meetings this week."
Jim: "Really? You just agreed to that?"

[Assistant] Michael: I can be very suprising.


[User]
Jim: "[walks in, see’s Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office] Okay, I thought I saw people missing."
Michael: "Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each."
Jim: "Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?"

[Assistant] Michael: Stanley, you don’t need to answer that.


[User]
Jim: "Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people’s time with meetings like these."
Michael: "What do you mean by “these people”?"
Jim: "Michael, this is a conference room meeting."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, this is a conference room meeting."
Michael: "Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room."
Jim: "That’s not what I meant."

[Assistant] Michael: Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.


[User]
Jim: "That’s not what I meant."
Michael: "Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want."
Jim: "I disagree."

[Assistant] Michael: What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time]


[User]
Jim: "I disagree."
Michael: "What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time]"
Jim: "Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no, you don’t need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.


[User]
Jim: "Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?"
Michael: "No, no, no, you don’t need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people."
Jim: "That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager."

[Assistant] Michael: That is not what Wallace told us.


[User]
Jim: "That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager."
Michael: "That is not what Wallace told us."
Jim: "That’s exactly what Wallace told us."

[Assistant] Michael: That is not the way I heard it.


[User]
Jim: "Alright, thanks alot, David."
Michael: "Talk to you later– [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn’t let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this."
Jim: "You don’t have to lie."

[Assistant] Michael: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don’t see you anymore.


[User]
Jim: "Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?"
Michael: "No, we can do it during the day. It doesn’t have to be that dramatic, Jim."
Jim: "Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options."

[Assistant] Michael: Jim, don’t take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?


[User]
Jim: "Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options."
Michael: "Jim, don’t take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?"
Jim: "It’s hard to tell so far."

[Assistant] Michael: You use your brain too much.


[User]
Jim: "It’s hard to tell so far."
Michael: "You use your brain too much."
Jim: "I’m sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"

[Assistant] Michael: Sometimes the smartest people don’t think at all.


[User]
Jim: "I’m sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"
Michael: "Sometimes the smartest people don’t think at all."
Jim: "You just came up with that."

[Assistant] Michael: As I was saying it.


[User]
Jim: "You just came up with that."
Michael: "As I was saying it."
Jim: "Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro– everyone gets a little bit."

[Assistant] Michael: [in nerdy voice] Con– you look like a nerd.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro– everyone gets a little bit."
Michael: "[in nerdy voice] Con– you look like a nerd."
Jim: "Con– no one gets as much as they did last year."

[Assistant] Michael: Pro– you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.


[User]
Jim: "Con– no one gets as much as they did last year."
Michael: "Pro– you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds."
Jim: "Pro– no favoritism."

[Assistant] Michael: Con– you unzip your pants, and you find that there’s a calculator down there.


[User]
Jim: "You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen."
Michael: "That will not go over well."
Jim: "I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. ‘Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us…"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I’m gonna kill myself.


[User]
Jim: "I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. ‘Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us…"
Michael: "Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I’m gonna kill myself."
Jim: "I’m not gonna let you stop me from thinking."

[Assistant] Michael: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.


[User]
Jim: "Look, you have a lot of strengths."
Michael: "Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are."
Jim: "I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well."

[Assistant] Michael: Ha! That– I am not known for that!


[User]
Jim: "I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well."
Michael: "Ha! That– I am not known for that!"
Jim: "But there is a reason why I’m here!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!


[User]
Jim: "But there is a reason why I’m here!"
Michael: "Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!"
Jim: "No, it’s because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Well, why don’t you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don’t you enliven me?


[User]
Jim: "At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it’s an unpopular decision."
Michael: "Okay, here’s a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!"
Jim: "But maybe I’m here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I’ve been sitting out there, and I’ve been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don’t you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it.


[User]
Jim: "But maybe I’m here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I’ve been sitting out there, and I’ve been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table."
Michael: "Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don’t you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it."
Jim: "[leave the conference room to address everyone]"

[Assistant] Michael: [to the camera] This had better be terrible.


[User]
Jim: "Rank each person individually?"
Michael: "Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best."
Jim: "[sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he’s a temp and doesn’t count, so let’s get started. [starts to write on a piece of paper]"

[Assistant] Michael: Are you making a–


[User]
Jim: "He’s not a part of this. You know that."
Michael: "Just wanted to draw a picture of him."
Jim: "Okay, your move."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick?


[User]
Jim: "Okay, your move."
Michael: "Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick?"
Jim: "Here we go."

[Assistant] Michael: I… will skip a turn.


[User]
Jim: "Here we go."
Michael: "I… will skip a turn."
Jim: "Okay, you’re gonna still have to play that bean. You know that."

[Assistant] Michael: I need more time.


[User]
Jim: "Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I’d say I’m about a four."
Michael: "Oh, what are you usually?"
Jim: "Six. You?"

[Assistant] Michael: Usually a ten, but I’m feeling like a zero.


[User]
Jim: "Six. You?"
Michael: "Usually a ten, but I’m feeling like a zero."
Jim: "I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know.


[User]
Jim: "I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?"
Michael: "I know, I know."
Jim: "We tried to find the fairest way to do it."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, we did.


[User]
Jim: "We tried to find the fairest way to do it."
Michael: "Yes, we did."
Jim: "I just– what?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, nothing. I just… I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office]


[User]
Jim: "[Michael give Jim a “World’s Best Boss” mug] Thank you."
Michael: "You’re welcome."
Jim: "What’s in here?"

[Assistant] Michael: Gin. [toast, sip]


[User]
Andy: "What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]"
Michael: "Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. You stole my joke. Don’t steal my joke."
Andy: "No… I didn’t steal your joke."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes. I said that yesterday.


[User]
Dwight: "For instance, Pam’s cousin, Jocelyn Webster."
Michael: "There’s… a name."
Dwight: "Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.


[User]
Dwight: "She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike."
Michael: "Is that all you have on her?"
Dwight: "Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re an idiot.


[User]
Dwight: "What? No way!"
Michael: "Those glasses are super dark."
Dwight: "Oh. God."

[Assistant] Michael: Alright. We need some tunes, I think.


[User]
Dwight: "You know what? I made you a cd…"
Michael: "You did?"
Dwight: "Mmm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: That was nice of you.


[User]
Dwight: "Mmm-hmm."
Michael: "That was nice of you."
Dwight: "This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.


[User]
Dwight: "This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room."
Michael: "Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in."
Dwight: "You’re gonna like this. [Dwight’s voice on the cd] “Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. ‘What’s next?’, you’re probably wondering. Don’t be scared of you’re night in heaven–” [Michael turns off cd]"

[Assistant] Michael: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?


[User]
Dwight: "You’re gonna like this. [Dwight’s voice on the cd] “Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. ‘What’s next?’, you’re probably wondering. Don’t be scared of you’re night in heaven–” [Michael turns off cd]"
Michael: "Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?"
Dwight: "Yeah. It’s practical."

[Assistant] Michael: No. No. That’s not how it works.


[User]
Dwight: "No way. What if I meet someone?"
Michael: "I’m staying in your–  Come on, Dwight."
Dwight: "No. No."

[Assistant] Michael: I would do the same for you.


[User]
Dwight: "Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours."
Michael: "Oh. Thank God."
Dwight: "Oh no. Now that I don’t have a room, can I stay with you?"

[Assistant] Michael: Um… no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can’t. And I’ll tell you why.


[User]
Dwight: "Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael’s hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me."
Michael: "I don’t have a room?"
Dwight: "No you do not."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. ‘Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.’


[User]
Stanley: "Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson."
Michael: "Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?"
Stanley: "Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me."

[Assistant] Michael: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.


[User]
Stanley: "Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me."
Michael: "Not in the same bed. In the other bed."
Stanley: "I got one queen size bed."

[Assistant] Michael: You… are… kidding me.


[User]
Stanley: "I got one queen size bed."
Michael: "You… are… kidding me."
Stanley: "A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not a physics major, Stanley. I’m just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?


[User]
Jim: "Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it’s just going to be blood relatives, I think."
Michael: "[talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives."
Jim: "Pretty sure everyone heard that."

[Assistant] Michael: Didn’t move my lips.


[User]
Dwight: "It’s just for family."
Michael: "Well, who’s that one?"
Dwight: "Isabel Poreba. Oh, I’ve got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2."

[Assistant] Michael: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?


[User]
Jim: "I can’t believe it was me."
Michael: "I know. I can’t believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me."
Jim: "Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?"

[Assistant] Michael: I have not found that to be the case.


[User]
Mema: "I want to go to bed but I can’t. I can’t turn that television off."
Michael: "Oh. Ok. Well… hook you up, there. [turns off tv]"
Mema: "Oh. Thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re welcome.


[User]
Mema: "Oh. Thank you."
Michael: "You’re welcome."
Mema: "It was that horrible Charlie Rose."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Isn’t he terrible? May I? Here’s the thing. Umm… Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It’s not 1890 anymore. It’s modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That’s part of life.


[User]
Mema: "This used to be such a great country."
Michael: "I know."
Mema: "I don’t know what happened to it."

[Assistant] Michael: They’re gonna name the baby after you, you know. They’re gonna call it Mema.


[User]
Mema: "I don’t know what happened to it."
Michael: "They’re gonna name the baby after you, you know. They’re gonna call it Mema."
Mema: "You mean, Sylvia."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, and if it’s a boy they will call it Sylvio.


[User]
Dwight: "What? It’s a casual, social outfit."
Michael: "Looks like you’re going to a fish fry, Dwight."
Dwight: "No. They’re howling at the moon. It’s suggestive to women because of the howling during sex."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. [Dwight howls] That’s not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let’s go. [both howl as they exit]


[User]
Dwight: "I found twins."
Michael: "Oh, my God. Twins. I’m sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you."
Dwight: "Aren’t they magnificent?"

[Assistant] Michael: They’re men, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "Aren’t they magnificent?"
Michael: "They’re men, Dwight."
Dwight: "I love finding a good set of twins."

[Assistant] Michael: Something is wrong with you.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh my goodness."
Michael: "Oh my God.  You’re not going to be able to talk back."
Dwight: "You’ll have Pam to answer to."

[Assistant] Michael: She’ll be sitting home saying, “Jim… take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.”  [Dwight laughs] “And… and clip my toenails.”


[User]
Dwight: "You’ll have Pam to answer to."
Michael: "She’ll be sitting home saying, “Jim… take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.”  [Dwight laughs] “And… and clip my toenails.”"
Dwight: "“Jim… hey why don’t you braid my hair.  I want to watch TV.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Now you sound like Kermit.


[User]
Dwight: "[lays on bed] Really?  I hadn’t noticed.  Too busy knocking boots."
Michael: "[watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that?"
Dwight: "I’m ravenous after a night of love making.  You?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I’m hungry, but I’m not going to make a pig out of myself.


[User]
Dwight: "I’m ravenous after a night of love making.  You?"
Michael: "Yeah, I’m hungry, but I’m not going to make a pig out of myself."
Dwight: "Hey, what was she like?"

[Assistant] Michael: She was cute.  You know?  She was hot.  She was very hot.  She made love like a tiger.


[User]
Dwight: "Hey, what was she like?"
Michael: "She was cute.  You know?  She was hot.  She was very hot.  She made love like a tiger."
Dwight: "Brides side or grooms side?  Or townie?"

[Assistant] Michael: She was from Europe.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh please.  Put a gun in my mouth."
Michael: "No… you’re crazy."
Dwight: "Look.  She’s a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one.  She’s a bumpkin.  Pass."

[Assistant] Michael: She’s– okay.  Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist?  You have to take x-rays.  You have to scrape the plaque off of people’s teeth.  You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they’re not scared when the dentist comes in.  It– it–


[User]
Dwight: "Look.  She’s a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one.  She’s a bumpkin.  Pass."
Michael: "She’s– okay.  Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist?  You have to take x-rays.  You have to scrape the plaque off of people’s teeth.  You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they’re not scared when the dentist comes in.  It– it–"
Dwight: "You should ask her out."

[Assistant] Michael: [stands up and walks away]  I already have my European girlfriend.


[User]
Meredith: "Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet."
Michael: "All right…"
Meredith: "He calls it an upper decker."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don’t know about business, I could fill a book with.


[User]
Erin: "[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He’s the person you should talk to."
Michael: "Oh hi. I’m sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you’re supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?"
Erin: "In your schedule it just says nine til noon is “creative space” and I thought this could be part of that."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.


[User]
Erin: "In your schedule it just says nine til noon is “creative space” and I thought this could be part of that."
Michael: "Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon."
Erin: "You don’t have anything in the afternoon. It just says “free play.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You’re seeing how the sausage gets made.


[User]
Grotti: "God forbid you…  should have a fire in the warehouse."
Michael: "Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up."
Grotti: "Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there’s injury."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.


[User]
Grotti: "You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott."
Michael: "Okay, well."
Grotti: "I can be very very persistent."

[Assistant] Michael: Do your worst. [they shake hands]


[User]
Dwight: "No I disagree. “R” is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it “murder.” And not “muck-duck.”"
Michael: "Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences."
Dwight: "Lock your door!"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not gonna lock my door.  [door closes. Then clicks locked]


[User]
Andy: "That’s how it works!"
Michael: "What am I supposed to do here?"
Andy: "When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back"

[Assistant] Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing.


[User]
Andy: "[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I’d like to officially withdraw my plan."
Michael: "Hold on, hold on! Just-"
Andy: "No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I’m not going alone.


[User]
Waitress: "Okay then. And for you sir?"
Michael: "I will have the gabba-gool."
Waitress: "The… what?"

[Assistant] Michael: The gabba-gool.


[User]
Grotti: "I’m sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down."
Michael: "He’s a good mechanic."
Grotti: "Where were we?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t…


[User]
Dwight: "He was trying to force you to decide on a policy."
Michael: "Okay, okay okay."
Dwight: "So we’re choosing…"

[Assistant] Michael: Yep, all right.


[User]
Dwight: "So we’re choosing…"
Michael: "Yep, all right."
Dwight: "Check out Dental?"

[Assistant] Michael: Put it down.


[User]
Jim: "How did you get this number? Michael, we’re on a catamaran."
Michael: "It wasn’t easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I’m in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier."
Jim: "That sounds bad."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I’m turning to you my friend.


[User]
Jim: "All you’re gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and-  it- and then go to–"
Michael: "Jim? Are you?"
Jim: "And then you’ll be saved."

[Assistant] Michael: What? Wait, I didn’t hear a thing you just said.


[User]
Jim: "And then you’ll be saved."
Michael: "What? Wait, I didn’t hear a thing you just said."
Jim: "Just [drops] and then you’ll be saved."

[Assistant] Michael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!


[User]
Jim: "Just [drops] and then you’ll be saved."
Michael: "No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!"
Jim: "A- ah–"

[Assistant] Michael: No!  Oh my God!


[User]
Jim: "A- ah–"
Michael: "No!  Oh my God!"
Jim: "And you’ll be saved."

[Assistant] Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you’re saying! I can’t understand you!


[User]
Jim: "And you’ll be saved."
Michael: "No, Jim please, repeat what you’re saying! I can’t understand you!"
Jim: "I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An-  M-  please don’t call again."

[Assistant] Michael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.


[User]
Oscar: "Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it."
Michael: "Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?"
Oscar: "Just- no.  No."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.


[User]
Grotti: "This is Grotti."
Michael: "This is Scott."
Grotti: "Oh! Great. Michael, I’m finishing up your paperwork right now."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?


[User]
Grotti: "Oh! Great. Michael, I’m finishing up your paperwork right now."
Michael: "Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?"
Grotti: "I, I thought you’d be pleased."

[Assistant] Michael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I’m actually kind of PO’d.


[User]
Dwight: "Okay that’s-"
Michael: "And I’m not gonna buy your stupid insurance."
Dwight: "That’s good, let’s wrap it up."

[Assistant] Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?


[User]
Jim: "You’re messing with me."
Michael: "About what?"
Jim: "You did not have sex with Pam’s mom."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, big time.


[User]
Jim: "You did not have sex with Pam’s mom."
Michael: "Oh, big time."
Jim: "What kind of car does she drive?"

[Assistant] Michael: She drives a green camry.


[User]
Jim: "Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God."
Michael: "[laughs] What?"
Jim: "Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?


[User]
Jim: "Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again."
Michael: "I think you’re underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy."
Jim: "No, not more than anything."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-


[User]
Jim: "No, not more than anything."
Michael: "Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-"
Jim: "Don’t call her “the mom.”"

[Assistant] Michael: She’s right on my way home from work.


[User]
Jim: "Don’t call her “the mom.”"
Michael: "She’s right on my way home from work."
Jim: "Then take a different way home, man!"

[Assistant] Michael: I di- alright, I’ll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.


[User]
Pam: "Wow, Botticelli’s, that sounds like a special occasion."
Michael: "Yeah, no, it’s nobody."
Pam: "[laughs] I don’t know. I think Michael has a date."

[Assistant] Michael: [chuckles] Hmm… no.


[User]
Pam: "[laughs] I don’t know. I think Michael has a date."
Michael: "[chuckles] Hmm… no."
Pam: "[laughs] I think you have a date."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t.


[User]
Jim: "Uh, I think we should just drop it… ’cause obviously he doesn’t want to talk about it."
Michael: "[sighs] I don’t deserve this, guys."
Jim: "Yes, you do."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I don’t.


[User]
Jim: "Just take the parrot."
Michael: "[long exhale]"
Jim: "Okay, back to the old grind."

[Assistant] Michael: I was probably going to break up with her anyway.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes."
Michael: "You want me to be happy?"
Pam: "Of course."

[Assistant] Michael: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.


[User]
Pam: "Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? …Who?"
Michael: "It’s okay."
Pam: "No, no, no, no, no.  Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!"

[Assistant] Michael: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.


[User]
Dwight: "There’s an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down…"
Michael: "[sighs] Feels good."
Dwight: "There’s a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down…"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m sleeping with Pam’s mom. Sometimes, dinner.


[User]
Andy: "Trust me it would only make you mad.  [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back]"
Michael: "[in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities."
Andy: "Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?"

[Assistant] Michael: That was a hit job.  If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster.  So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I’m not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people’s needs ahead of our own.


[User]
Kevin: "[to Angela] Shhh…"
Michael: "[on phone] No, no, no, I’ll talk to her.  I will… No… nobody talks to my baby that way… uh ah… yeah, I’ll let you know how it goes.  Alright, by pickle."
Kevin: "Who’s pickle?"

[Assistant] Michael: [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.


[User]
Pam: "Uhh, huh, ho… oooh my God, you are ridiculous!"
Michael: "Do not talk to me that way!  I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out."
Pam: "You are never going to be my father, you get out!"

[Assistant] Michael: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am…


[User]
Toby: "Yeah, sure, what’s up?"
Michael: "Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was… uncalled for, I’m sorry."
Toby: "Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot.  Thank you for saying it."

[Assistant] Michael: Can I sit down for a second?


[User]
Toby: "Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot.  Thank you for saying it."
Michael: "Can I sit down for a second?"
Toby: "Yeah, er… pull up a chair or sit on the shredder."

[Assistant] Michael: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.


[User]
Toby: "Yeah, er… pull up a chair or sit on the shredder."
Michael: "This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation."
Toby: "Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place."

[Assistant] Michael: She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.


[User]
Toby: "Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place."
Michael: "She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here."
Toby: "Ok, I mean, I could talk to her."

[Assistant] Michael: Really?  Would you do that?


[User]
Toby: "Ok, I mean, I could talk to her."
Michael: "Really?  Would you do that?"
Toby: "Yeah… that’s why they pay me the big bucks.  [both laugh]"

[Assistant] Michael: [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You’re a good, good guy.


[User]
Pam: "Mmmmm, yes!"
Michael: "Well, that is not gonna happen!"
Pam: "Then why’d you even offer!?"

[Assistant] Michael: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.


[User]
Pam: "Then why’d you even offer!?"
Michael: "Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy."
Pam: "Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness!  Stop dating my mother!"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what?  I’m gonna start dating her even harder.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness!  Stop dating my mother!"
Michael: "You know what?  I’m gonna start dating her even harder."
Pam: "What’s that supposed to mean?"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what it means.


[User]
Jim: "Mmm-hmm."
Michael: "Do you like TCBY?"
Jim: "Who doesn’t?"

[Assistant] Michael: I can’t believe it’s- I can’t believe it’s yogurt. Uh… it’ll be fun


[User]
Jim: "That is a mistake."
Michael: "You should give them a call. Check that out."
Jim: "Alright. Let’s clear this up. [on phone] Well, there’s actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?"

[Assistant] Michael: Jim’s a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh… why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?


[User]
Jim: "Great. See ya’ then."
Michael: "Wha- what?"
Jim: "They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along."

[Assistant] Michael: Why don’t they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don’t understand.


[User]
Jim: "They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along."
Michael: "Why don’t they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don’t understand."
Jim: "I absolutely don’t understand, either."

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t want you to feel like I’m baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.


[User]
Jim: "Yeah. I’ve spoken to them on the phone."
Michael: "Yeah, well… this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?"
Jim: "Yes, it is."

[Assistant] Michael: …and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.


[User]
Jim: "Yes, it is."
Michael: "…and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that."
Jim: "No thanks."

[Assistant] Michael: They are into style.


[User]
Jim: "No thanks."
Michael: "They are into style."
Jim: "Mmm-hmm."

[Assistant] Michael: They are into appearance. We are selling success.


[User]
Jim: "Mmm-hmm."
Michael: "They are into appearance. We are selling success."
Jim: "…and paper."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again]


[User]
Erin: "Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse]"
Michael: "It’s a fish."
Erin: "They want you to pay for it."

[Assistant] Michael: It could’ve died of natural causes. So…


[User]
Jim: "I think you just gotta ride this one out, man."
Michael: "No, Jim. You don’t understand. Things like this don’t just die. Kids in high school still call me ‘Ponytail’."
Jim: "No, they don’t."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.


[User]
Jim: "No, they don’t."
Michael: "Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail."
Jim: "Maybe if you make fun of yourself it’ll all go away."

[Assistant] Michael: I want to make fun of you right now.


[User]
Jim: "Maybe if you make fun of yourself it’ll all go away."
Michael: "I want to make fun of you right now."
Jim: "Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball."

[Assistant] Michael: No. Don’t do that. You’re not. You’re not stupid.


[User]
Jim: "Guys. Michael can’t handle this and as your boss I’m saying we’re not watching it."
Michael: "No. It’s ok. Watch it. He can’t fire all of you."
Jim: "What are you doing?"

[Assistant] Michael: It’s alright. I can handle it.


[User]
Jim: "[laughing] He’s alright."
Michael: "No. He’s a- yeah, he’s alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit]"
Jim: "Thanks Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: You’re welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh]


[User]
Dwight: "You’re thinking of deer penis."
Michael: "It worked."
Dwight: "Regardless.  That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry.  [holds up tray] Bagel?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t mind if I do.


[User]
Dwight: "Regardless.  That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry.  [holds up tray] Bagel?"
Michael: "I don’t mind if I do."
Dwight: "K. I brought cheese too."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m taking one for my lady friend.


[User]
Helene: "Tell her how you gave it to me."
Michael: "No, that wouldn’t be–"
Helene: "He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning.  What a nice way to wake up."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to– inappropriosity.


[User]
Helene: "Well, thank you.  All of you."
Michael: "Well, it was actually me alone, so– wow look at this place.  Really makes me want to go to Italy some day."
Helene: "Oh you’ll love it.  You can have my guide books.  I think I’m done with those really long plane rides."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. Thank you.  Thanks for lending me the books.


[User]
Helene: "Oh, oh no.  I don’t think so."
Michael: "I am.  I’m definitely going to do it.  I’ve already got the run and the bike thing down.  Just need to learn how to swim.  Come on, you in?"
Helene: "Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out.  It just– doesn’t interest me."

[Assistant] Michael: So it’s a matter of interest.  Good, okay.  It’s not anything you would have ever done.


[User]
Helene: "Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out.  It just– doesn’t interest me."
Michael: "So it’s a matter of interest.  Good, okay.  It’s not anything you would have ever done."
Helene: "Hmm… I might have done it when I was younger, but now there’s just other things I’d rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming–"

[Assistant] Michael: Well there’s no jumping in a triathlon.


[User]
Helene: "You want to go snowboarding?"
Michael: "I might."
Helene: "Michael, what are you talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Nothing.  Just life– and doing things– before you die. I don’t know.


[User]
Pam: "Hey. Where’d you go?"
Michael: "Oh, just went to the bathroom."
Pam: "And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?"

[Assistant] Michael: I got thirsty.


[User]
Pam: "And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?"
Michael: "I got thirsty."
Pam: "Okay, weirdo.  Come on.  It’s time for cake."

[Assistant] Michael: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly.  And then I met Helene.  And she is great and she already knows and has done everything  that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it.  But, I think I want to do those things myself.


[User]
Pam: "Michael.  Michael ,it’s okay."
Michael: "No it’s not."
Pam: "I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy.  And that makes me happy."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow.  That just– you’ve really grown.


[User]
Pam: "I have the lowest sales record of anyone here."
Michael: "That’s– no, no– it’s not about numbers, Pam.  It’s about attitude."
Pam: "I have the worst attitude of any person here."

[Assistant] Michael: Do you want the raise or what?


[User]
Pam: "I have the worst attitude of any person here."
Michael: "Do you want the raise or what?"
Pam: "Yeah, I’ll take it. [turns to leave]"

[Assistant] Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam– with this raise there are strings attached.  [Pam sighs]  And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.


[User]
Pam: "Yeah, I’ll take it. [turns to leave]"
Michael: "Hey, Pam, Pam– with this raise there are strings attached.  [Pam sighs]  And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude."
Pam: "You’re bribing me?"

[Assistant] Michael: No!  No– no I am not.  Unless you want me to.  DO you want me to? Cause I will.  I will bribe you.  No.  Your face is saying don’t– unless I haven’t offered you enough… your face isn’t changing.  What is it?  Talk to me face.  Tell me what Pam’s brain is thinking.  Come on!  What do you want? What do you want?  Do you want a million dollars?  Do you want to hit me?  Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or–


[User]
Pam: "I want to hit you.  I’ll do that."
Michael: "[nervous laughter] Oh– okay , what? I don’t– Are you kidding?"
Pam: "No.  Are you kidding?"

[Assistant] Michael: Ye– No.  Alright.  I’ll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just–


[User]
Jim: "And I don’t support her choice to hit you."
Michael: "I don’t either."
Jim: "But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning."

[Assistant] Michael: Mmm-hmm.  I know.


[User]
Jim: "But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning."
Michael: "Mmm-hmm.  I know."
Jim: "I just need some time."

[Assistant] Michael: You gotta do something–


[User]
Jim: "I just need some time."
Michael: "You gotta do something–"
Jim: "I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision."

[Assistant] Michael: How much time do you think you’ll need?


[User]
Jim: "I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision."
Michael: "How much time do you think you’ll need?"
Jim: "No more than a week.  Maybe two weeks."

[Assistant] Michael: Come on, man!


[User]
Dwight: "[walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping] Wait, why are you limping?"
Michael: "I don’t know."
Dwight: "Let’s get some raw meat on that face.  I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs."

[Assistant] Michael: As I watched Pam’s big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.  And guess what?  I have four kids.  And I have a hover-car and a hover-house.  And my wife is a runner and it shows.  And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together.  And I am happy and I am rich and I never die.  It doesn’t sound like much, but its enough for me.


[User]
Andy: "I did stand up comedy once."
Michael: "You did?"
Andy: "Yeah, I killed."

[Assistant] Michael: That sounds like it was hilarious.


[User]
Dwight: "What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?"
Michael: "You’ll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day."
Dwight: "This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin."

[Assistant] Michael: Woo hoo, shout out!


[User]
Dwight: "This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin."
Michael: "Woo hoo, shout out!"
Dwight: "Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal.  I just want to stress that it’s all conjecture.  If there’s any concrete news you will know ASAP."

[Assistant] Michael: Erin, do we have the journal?


[User]
Oscar: "Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things.  Maybe they’re just restructuring to get out of debt."
Michael: "Oh, that sounds awful."
Oscar: "Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh God.  Well, that’s an interesting theory.


[User]
David Wallace’S Secretary: "I’m sorry, Michael, David’s in a meeting."
Michael: "Ah, well maybe you should spy on him.  [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn’t that be hilarious! [laughs]"
David Wallace’S Secretary: "Um, I’ll just have him call you back."

[Assistant] Michael: OK, OK.  Good.  I’ll catch you on the flippity flip.  Bye. [hangs up phone]  He’s busy, he’ll call me back when he’s free.


[User]
Kevin: "[retching sounds coming from the men’s bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in] Michael, are you OK?  Did you throw up in there?"
Michael: "No, I’m just poopin’.  You know how I be."
Kevin: "It smells like throw up in here."

[Assistant] Michael: Crazy world.  Lotta smells.


[User]
Jim: "[Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing]  We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what’s going to happen."
Michael: "OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody.  Anything new on YouTube?  Doesn’t even need to be good.  Oh God, I can’t think, need more Mullins."
Jim: "Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine.  So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they’ll follow along."

[Assistant] Michael: Monkey see, monkey do.


[User]
Jim: "Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine.  So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they’ll follow along."
Michael: "Monkey see, monkey do."
Jim: "That’s it."

[Assistant] Michael: Monkey pee all over you.


[User]
Jim: "That’s it."
Michael: "Monkey pee all over you."
Jim: "That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?"

[Assistant] Michael: We have a monthly staff meeting


[User]
Jim: "Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea."
Michael: "This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it’s about murder."
Jim: "I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t do things like this."

[Assistant] Michael: Tube City, you owe me one.


[User]
Stanley: "What kind of food?"
Michael: "Sandwich platters."
Stanley: "I’m in. [sits back down]"

[Assistant] Michael: Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]


[User]
Creed: "[Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office]  Sorry I’m late, boss.  What’s going on?"
Michael: "[accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect."
Creed: "OK. Hang on just a second.  Let me just settle in and I’ll be right back."

[Assistant] Michael: Very good, very good.  Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away]


[User]
Jim: "[Michael walks in] Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets.  Do you want to-"
Michael: "[accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y’all skedaddled way too soon.  We need to reopen this case."
Jim: "No, you’re not reopening the case.  The case is closed."

[Assistant] Michael: No it ain’t.


[User]
Dwight: "You’re sure it was water, it couldn’t have been acid?"
Michael: "I already declared you, it was too dark to tell."
Dwight: "Stop playing games with me, Crawdad."

[Assistant] Michael: This is not a game, this is my life.  You are out of order, sir.


[User]
Dwight: "Stop playing games with me, Crawdad."
Michael: "This is not a game, this is my life.  You are out of order, sir."
Dwight: "Answer me."

[Assistant] Michael: You are out of order.


[User]
Erin: "Wallace is on the phone.  He’s returning your call."
Michael: "Detective Wallace?"
Erin: "I don’t think so.  I think it’s David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin."

[Assistant] Michael: Aw, shucks, tell him I’m not here.


[User]
Dwight: "I have crossbows."
Michael: "We’ll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?"
Dwight: "OK, I’m ready."

[Assistant] Michael: One, two, three.. [all scream]


[User]
Oscar: "The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there’s no where to get it."
Michael: "Ok, Oscar, I don’t need the whole enchilada just the bullet points."
Oscar: "Those are the bullet points."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, could you condense it please?


[User]
Laurie: "I’m Laurie."
Michael: "Oh, hi."
Laurie: "Thank you for joining us. Come with me."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, thank you and, and please call – continue to call me Mr. Scott.


[User]
Laurie: "Thank you for joining us. Come with me."
Michael: "Well, thank you and, and please call – continue to call me Mr. Scott."
Laurie: "Ok. If you just want to follow me I’ll take you up to the lounge."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys. So –


[User]
David: "So glad you could make it."
Michael: "Thank you."
David: "How was the ride?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.


[User]
Alan: "Alright, guys. You ready?"
Michael: "Rock and roll. [they walk into convention room and are booed by everyone]"
Alan: "Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. [boos from the crowd]"

[Assistant] Michael: [to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.


[User]
David: "What are we supposed to tell them now? Ok? You’ve dug us quite a hole."
Michael: "We tell them the plan, right?"
David: "There is no plan."

[Assistant] Michael: Here’s what we’re gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go. What do we got? We have 15 minutes.


[User]
O’Keefe: "Excuse me?"
Michael: "Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out."
O’Keefe: "Who the hell is this guy?"

[Assistant] Michael: I am the guy who roused that crowd.


[User]
David: "No. No. No. No. No. No. Don’t call anybody, Michael."
Michael: "Well, I’m texting him, so."
David: "Please do not text anybody, now, Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s done. [Oscar, sitting in the lobby, receives a text]


[User]
Oscar: "I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands."
Michael: "That wasn’t what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better."
Oscar: "I think this has gone very well and I thank you."

[Assistant] Michael: O-kay. Oh… hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?


[User]
Oscar: "I think this has gone very well and I thank you."
Michael: "O-kay. Oh… hey, hey. [follows Oscar into the hall] What are you doing?"
Oscar: "Michael, I didn’t ask to come up here."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow, man. That –


[User]
Oscar: "For me."
Michael: "For me, too. You embarrassed me."
Oscar: "You -[Oscar walks away, Michael goes back in the room]"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, that was a waste of a text. Let’s get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don’t seem to have a plan so I’m thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.


[User]
Andy: "Is it serious? [Michael stares]  Wow.  Andy’s a wittle scared."
Michael: "Okay, right there is the problem.  There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk."
Andy: "Why would people say that?"

[Assistant] Michael: I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard]  Can you read that back to me?


[User]
Andy: "“Crazy diarrhea happening right now?”  Cause things can get real adult real fast."
Michael: "You are also on record as saying “wittle-ittle,” “footy-wutties,” “nummies,” “jammies,” “make boom-boom,” “widiculous,” and “wode iwand.”"
Andy: "Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes.  Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across?  Well if I do, Andy’s sowwy."

[Assistant] Michael: You can’t be a baby in the office.  It makes me look like I hire babies.


[User]
Andy: "Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes.  Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across?  Well if I do, Andy’s sowwy."
Michael: "You can’t be a baby in the office.  It makes me look like I hire babies."
Andy: "Well if I we’re complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, who said that?


[User]
Andy: "Well if I we’re complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying."
Michael: "Okay, who said that?"
Andy: "I don’t-just people.  For the record, I think it’s pretty fantastic."

[Assistant] Michael: [Elvis voice] Well, thank you… thank you a lot.  And for what it’s worth I think your baby voice is tops.


[User]
Andy: "I don’t-just people.  For the record, I think it’s pretty fantastic."
Michael: "[Elvis voice] Well, thank you… thank you a lot.  And for what it’s worth I think your baby voice is tops."
Andy: "[baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis."

[Assistant] Michael: [as Elvis] You’re welcome, baby.


[User]
Erin: "There’s about 30 news alerts for “Nip Slip.”"
Michael: "For what?"
Erin: "“Nip slip.”"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh okay.  I don’t know how those got on there…


[User]
Jim: "Hey.  What’s up?"
Michael: "What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?"
Jim: "Did you murder someone?"

[Assistant] Michael: Worse than that.


[User]
Jim: "I think she’s okay."
Michael: "Is that what we’re going for now?  “okay?”  We used to go for “pretty good.”"
Jim: "Great.  Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better.  I’m not in this for the trophies, but…


[User]
Jim: "Great.  Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program?"
Michael: "Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better.  I’m not in this for the trophies, but…"
Jim: "You’re not in it at all, because you can’t be employee of the month, you’re a manager."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, technically, I’m a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.


[User]
Jim: "You’re not in it at all, because you can’t be employee of the month, you’re a manager."
Michael: "Well, technically, I’m a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month."
Jim: "It would look bad.  Sorry."

[Assistant] Michael: It would look good, on my mantle.


[User]
Pam: "Michael, why did you promise that?"
Michael: "To change lives."
Pam: "No Michael, why would you promise that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, okay.  Call the school, cancel.  I can’t go through with this.


[User]
Mikela: "Mr. Scott?"
Michael: "Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?"
Mikela: "I’m good."

[Assistant] Michael: Good to see you.  Where’s your saxaphone?


[User]
Mikela: "I’m good."
Michael: "Good to see you.  Where’s your saxaphone?"
Mikela: "It’s in the music room, Mr. Scott."

[Assistant] Michael: Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.


[User]
Mikela: "I’m sure you remember this place."
Michael: "Oh, yeah."
Mikela: "Do you want to go in?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, not at all.  Nope, come on.


[User]
Teacher: "Let’s put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott."
Michael: "All right.  Wow.  Um, I am never going to forget today.  Not a chance.  I don’t think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today.  Who here has done something stupid in their lives?  Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between “A” gym and “B” gym, that sort of thing?  Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay.  Well, me too, I’ve done something stupid which I would like to share.  Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go?"
Teacher: "Oh, no.  We’re okay.  It’s a double period"

[Assistant] Michael: Ah.  All right.  I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable.  But you know what’s invaluable is intuition.  You know what that is?  That is the ability to know when something is about to happen.  Does anybody out there have intuition?  Know what’s gonna happen next?  Nobody?  Okay, you’re going to make me say it.  All right, I am so proud of all of you.  Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and… I’m sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?


[User]
Lefevre: "Hey, Mr. Scott."
Michael: "Erin, can you give us a second?"
Lefevre: "That was messed up what you did."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry.


[User]
Lefevre: "That was messed up what you did."
Michael: "Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry."
Lefevre: "Who does something like that?  Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn’t come through like that?"

[Assistant] Michael: What can I do?


[User]
Lefevre: "Who does something like that?  Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn’t come through like that?"
Michael: "What can I do?"
Lefevre: "You can pay for my college."

[Assistant] Michael: I can give you an extra laptop battery.  Not everyone took one.  How about this?  If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?


[User]
Lefevre: "You can pay for my college."
Michael: "I can give you an extra laptop battery.  Not everyone took one.  How about this?  If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?"
Lefevre: "They’re expensive."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?


[User]
Lefevre: "They’re expensive."
Michael: "Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?"
Lefevre: "It’s about $1,000."

[Assistant] Michael: Really? Wow.  That’s over $200 a year.


[User]
Lefevre: "It’s about $1,000."
Michael: "Really? Wow.  That’s over $200 a year."
Lefevre: "No, $1,000 each year."

[Assistant] Michael: For-okay, okay here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each.  I’m going to date them one year apart.  Now, you are to use one check a year.  And please call me before you cash the check?  Cause I’ve got monies to move around.


[User]
Lefevre: "No, $1,000 each year."
Michael: "For-okay, okay here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each.  I’m going to date them one year apart.  Now, you are to use one check a year.  And please call me before you cash the check?  Cause I’ve got monies to move around."
Lefevre: "Okay. Okay.  Make it out to my mom, Rosa."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s a lot of zeroes.


[User]
Erin: "No, there’s financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy."
Michael: "You’re what, like, 12?"
Erin: "The principal told me that 90% of Scott’s Tots are on track to graduate, and that’s 35% higher than the rest of the school.  So I think if you hadn’t made that promise, a lot of them would’ve dropped out.  Which is something to think about, I think."

[Assistant] Michael: I think you’re doing a great job.


[User]
Pam: "Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!"
Michael: "Heeeeeere’s Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam’s’ pregnant tummy]"
Pam: "Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis."

[Assistant] Michael: What the hell is going on?


[User]
Jim: "Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it."
Michael: "Take it back. That is absurd."
Jim: "No, I’m not gonna do that."

[Assistant] Michael: No? No! Jim! Come on!


[User]
Jim: "No, I’m not gonna do that."
Michael: "No? No! Jim! Come on!"
Jim: "I think she’s doing a good job."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn’t it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!


[User]
Jim: "I think she’s doing a good job."
Michael: "It’s insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn’t it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!"
Jim: "I’m not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can’t be Santa."

[Assistant] Michael: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.


[User]
Kevin: "Michael it’s me, Kevin. Phyllis says I’m too big for her lap."
Michael: "Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well."
Kevin: "When can I sit on your lap?"

[Assistant] Michael: Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It’s a struggle] Oh my God.


[User]
Kevin: "When can I sit on your lap?"
Michael: "Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It’s a struggle] Oh my God."
Kevin: "That’s really comfortable. [Michael gasps]"

[Assistant] Michael: What would you like for Christmas little boy?


[User]
Kevin: "That’s really comfortable. [Michael gasps]"
Michael: "What would you like for Christmas little boy?"
Kevin: "I don’t know. I didn’t know you were gonna ask me that."

[Assistant] Michael: What did you think was going to happen?


[User]
Kevin: "I don’t know. I didn’t know you were gonna ask me that."
Michael: "What did you think was going to happen?"
Kevin: "I didn’t know. Nobody’s ever let me sit on their lap before."

[Assistant] Michael: All right, just say “some toys” please.


[User]
Kevin: "I didn’t know. Nobody’s ever let me sit on their lap before."
Michael: "All right, just say “some toys” please."
Kevin: "Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don’t want to mess up on this list."

[Assistant] Michael: Damn it Kevin, come on.


[User]
Kevin: "Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don’t want to mess up on this list."
Michael: "Damn it Kevin, come on."
Kevin: "What about if I tell you the things I don’t want?"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!


[User]
Kevin: "What about if I tell you the things I don’t want?"
Michael: "Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!"
Kevin: "I didn’t even get to tell you what I wanted!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn’t have to go through this again.


[User]
Ryan: "Whoa, whoa."
Michael: "Come on, come on."
Ryan: "I’m doing something over here."

[Assistant] Michael: Ahhh… Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here!


[User]
Ryan: "I’m doing something over here."
Michael: "Ahhh… Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here!"
Ryan: "What are you talking about?"

[Assistant] Michael: Just sit down!


[User]
Jim: "Hey hey hey. Everything okay?"
Michael: "Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!"
Jim: "Can I just talk to you for a second?"

[Assistant] Michael: Whoop! Okay, what?


[User]
Jim: "Can I just talk to you for a second?"
Michael: "Whoop! Okay, what?"
Jim: "You can’t yell out “I need this, I need this” as you pin down an employee on your lap!"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!


[User]
Toby: "Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is."
Michael: "Oh the Anti-Christ!"
Toby: "You can’t, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you’re saying?


[User]
Dwight: "We don’t have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package]"
Michael: "[on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what’s Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?"
Dwight: "Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part]"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh yes. It’s space garbage. Dwight’s gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts…


[User]
Angela: "It’s fabric! I really wanted this."
Michael: "[on microphone] That’s fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet."
Angela: "Andy, is this you?"

[Assistant] Michael: [on microphone] No!


[User]
David: "Yes Michael, what is so urgent?"
Michael: "David, guess who I’m sitting here dressed as."
David: "I’m not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up."

[Assistant] Michael: I’ll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.


[User]
David: "Listen, I shouldn’t tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house."
Michael: "What does that mean?"
David: "I’ll be fired."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, can’t Alan protect you?


[User]
David: "I’ll be fired."
Michael: "Well, can’t Alan protect you?"
David: "Alan will be out too. All of us."

[Assistant] Michael: All of us?


[User]
David: "Alan will be out too. All of us."
Michael: "All of us?"
David: "Goodbye Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh my God.


[User]
Jim: "Michael, wait. So they said we are sold?"
Michael: "David’s gone. Alan’s gone. We’re all gone."
Jim: "Okay. We haven’t gone under. We’ve been sold and that can mean many different things."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not – no offense Meredith.


[User]
David: "Hey Sweetie, what is it?"
Michael: "It’s not sweetie, it’s Michael Scott."
David: "What the hell?"

[Assistant] Michael: Stephanie could you hop off please?


[User]
David: "Hello everyone."
Michael: "David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned."
David: "You weren’t supposed to tell anyone Michael."

[Assistant] Michael: Well I think we’re past that now.


[User]
David: "Look. They’re buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works.  So congratulations."
Michael: "We’re not fired?"
David: "No! No, and congratulations."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It’s a Christmas miracle!


[User]
Phyllis: "No Bob, we worked it out."
Michael: "You called Bob?"
Phyllis: "I’m sorry,"

[Assistant] Michael: Come on! Phyllis!


[User]
Computron: "Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better."
Michael: "No, Computron, actually I think Cooper’s is the best. You’re gonna love it."
Computron: "Are you calling me wrong?"

[Assistant] Michael: [sighs] Oh, my God.


[User]
Toby: "I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t want to lie and I DON’T want to tell the truth."
Michael: "Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin’? Whatcha guys talkin’ about?"
Toby: "Well, Eric’s just going over some stuff."

[Assistant] Michael: Stuff. I love stuff.


[User]
Toby: "Well, Eric’s just going over some stuff."
Michael: "Stuff. I love stuff."
Toby: "It’s, uh, it’s HR stuff."

[Assistant] Michael: HR stuff? [pulls up a chair] HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. [pointing to Eric’s notes] What is that? What kind of stuff is that?


[User]
Eric: "Talkin’ bout, uh –"
Michael: "Talkin’ bout, uh, what?"
Eric: "Waste is next."

[Assistant] Michael: Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?


[User]
Eric: "Waste is next."
Michael: "Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?"
Eric: "No, waste of time and resources."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, time and resources.


[User]
Dwight: "Impulsivity and inattention to detail."
Michael: "Hey, hey. I have opened a box, which should not have been opened…"
Dwight: "Terrible mistake."

[Assistant] Michael: And distributed things which should not have been distributed.


[User]
Pam: "Oh, Michael."
Michael: "Alright, relax. We can do it. We just did it. So we can do this again. Erin, scissor me please. [Erin tosses open scissors across Jim and Pam]"
Pam: "No, don’t!"

[Assistant] Michael: [fumbles] Thank you. Oh! Got it. Ok.


[User]
Pam: "What do you want us to do?"
Michael: "Why do I have to explain everything?"
Pam: "Because we’re usually not on the same page."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [starts round of applause]


[User]
Gabe: "Actually, that’s Nick. He’s your new IT guy. Uh, he’s setting up a site blocker. Mostly blocking the inappropriate sites.  And then there are the time-wasting sites like Twitter, YouTube. We are blocking those as well."
Michael: "Mm, nope. Don’t like that."
Gabe: "Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment."

[Assistant] Michael: We’ll still get to use the little cups, though, right?


[User]
Gabe: "Ok, did everyone get one? With these bottles, we eliminate the need for plastic water bottles, which are the scourge of the environment."
Michael: "We’ll still get to use the little cups, though, right?"
Gabe: "Little cups? Like paper or plastic or… ?"

[Assistant] Michael: I don’t know what they’re made of.


[User]
Gabe: "Oh, I don’t get that sense at all from you, so…"
Michael: "Well, you should have a little. But it’s great that you don’t, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes, but I’m – I’ll be honest, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of ’em."
Gabe: "Which ones?"

[Assistant] Michael: All of them.


[User]
Gabe: "Which ones?"
Michael: "All of them."
Gabe: "Well, I wish that I could do something, but it’s kind of policy, you know? Above my pay grade. You know?"

[Assistant] Michael: So maybe we should call. We should call someone. I could help. I’m good with bosses. Call one of the higher-ups?


[User]
Jo: "Turn me around. Now. [Michael starts to leave, Jo whistles] Hey, Buddy. Is it something I said?"
Michael: "Hello. No. My name’s Michael Scott. Hello."
Jo: "Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you."

[Assistant] Michael: Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent.


[User]
Jo: "Oh, hello, Mr. Scott. Pleased to meet you."
Michael: "Nice to meet you. We are very excited about the merger with Sabre. I think you have a great accent."
Jo: "Aw, thank you. I’ve been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and –


[User]
Jo: "Aw, thank you. I’ve been working on it since I was a little girl. To, um, to what do I owe the pleasure of this videochat?"
Michael: "Well, I am little concerned with all of these changes, to be quite frank. I think we have done things a certain way here at Dunder Mifflin for quite some time, and –"
Jo: "Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson’s snowball company, so you’ll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok. I feel very strongly that you can’t just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because… he knows. He’d know what to do.


[User]
Jo: "Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin, it was my grandson’s snowball company, so you’ll excuse me if I prefer that you all adapt to the way that we do things."
Michael: "Ok. I feel very strongly that you can’t just come in here and change everything that people have been doing forever. Is Christian Slater back there? Because… he knows. He’d know what to do."
Jo: "So listen, why don’t you tell Gabe if by the end of the day you can’t handle the changes."

[Assistant] Michael: I have already told him, but I will tell him again if you think that will help.


[User]
David: "No, you kidding? Come on in. Come on."
Michael: "You sure?"
David: "You look great."

[Assistant] Michael: You look great too.


[User]
David: "You look great."
Michael: "You look great too."
David: "You hungry? I’m just having lunch."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, yeah, that sounds good.


[User]
David: "I don’t know. I mean, what can you do?"
Michael: "Exactly. What are you thinking?"
David: "I, I – It’s a tough one."

[Assistant] Michael: It is a tough one.


[User]
David: "I, I – It’s a tough one."
Michael: "It is a tough one."
David: "I don’t have any ideas for you there."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. But one would be good.


[User]
David: "No. No, no, no. That’s the -that’s the vacuum noise."
Michael: "Oh, okay."
David: "You-you don’t like it."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I think it is-


[User]
David: "Oh, Michael."
Michael: "Bye now."
David: "Thank you for coming."

[Assistant] Michael: Thanks for having me.


[User]
Dwight: "Could it be under “affirmation?” Cause you have thousands of those."
Michael: "No. [to hotel employee on phone] We’re trying to look it up right now."
Dwight: "You [i]did[/i] get the e-vite to my barbeque!"

[Assistant] Michael: Um, come on.


[User]
Hotel Employee: "Yeah, how may I help you Mr. Scott?"
Michael: "Alright, I would like to cancel my reservation, please."
Hotel Employee: "There is a cancellation fee for this, sir."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, put it on my card.


[User]
Jo: "That’s right, darlin’, now you’re the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what’s going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What’s that? Some company I’ve never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars?"
Michael: "No, we know. Texas!"
Jo: "Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm’s reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we’re gonna take that arm, and we’re gonna start selling printers."

[Assistant] Michael: I could manage my way around that.


[User]
Jo: "Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm’s reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we’re gonna take that arm, and we’re gonna start selling printers."
Michael: "I could manage my way around that."
Jo: "They’re the easiest-to-use printers on the market."

[Assistant] Michael: I will try to manage my excitement!


[User]
Oscar: "Michael. Reading."
Michael: "What are you reading?"
Oscar: "The Atlantic."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can’t keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again.


[User]
Oscar: "The Atlantic."
Michael: "Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can’t keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again."
Oscar: "I should step into sales myself."

[Assistant] Michael: Why, is there an untapped gay market?


[User]
Oscar: "I should step into sales myself."
Michael: "Why, is there an untapped gay market?"
Oscar: "Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales."

[Assistant] Michael: …Where did you get that information.


[User]
Jim: "No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons."
Michael: "No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people."
Jim: "Why would you do that?"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m turning myself in right now!


[User]
Jo: "You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I’m gonna defer to your judgment."
Michael: "Thank you."
Jo: "I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You’re gonna be the new manager of this branch!"

[Assistant] Michael: Great! That’s great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.


[User]
Erin: "Michael, I’m worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk."
Michael: "How is that possible?"
Erin: "Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space."

[Assistant] Michael: No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen.


[User]
Erin: "Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space."
Michael: "No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen."
Erin: "You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he’s manager."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael’s phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales.


[User]
Jim: "Well, the grass is always greener."
Michael: "Yeah. Except there’s no grass out there. It’s just a farty dirt patch."
Jim: "Well, it’s what you wanted."

[Assistant] Michael: I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here.


[User]
Jim: "Well, it’s what you wanted."
Michael: "I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here."
Jim: "For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I’m not really sure what we do."

[Assistant] Michael: We make a poster that says “Happy Opposite Day!” and she sees it on the way out… Nah, that’s stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black.


[User]
Erin: "Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that?"
Michael: "Oh, it smells good in here."
Erin: "Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator."

[Assistant] Michael: Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova?


[User]
Pam: "No, not yet, Michael."
Michael: "We can do…"
Pam: "Oh, wow, it’s almost time for ultra feast!  Where’s Kevin?"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh.  What?  You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?


[User]
Jim: "Hey, are you kidding me?"
Michael: "Are you kidding?"
Jim: "If anyone can do this, you can do this."

[Assistant] Michael: You can do this.  You can do this.


[User]
Jim: "If anyone can do this, you can do this."
Michael: "You can do this.  You can do this."
Jim: "Pam, I’m scared.  I’m real scared."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m scared, too.


[User]
Jim: "A really awesome baby."
Michael: "We’re going to have a baby."
Jim: "So let’s have it at the hospital."

[Assistant] Michael: Let’s do that.


[User]
Jim: "So let’s have it at the hospital."
Michael: "Let’s do that."
Jim: "How are we doing on contractions?"

[Assistant] Michael: Two minutes apart.


[User]
Pam: "I don’t want to have my baby here."
Michael: "You’re not going to.  You know where you’re going?"
Pam: "The hospital."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes, you are.  And you know what you’re going to have?


[User]
Pam: "The hospital."
Michael: "Yes, you are.  And you know what you’re going to have?"
Pam: "A baby."

[Assistant] Michael: Yes!  We’re going to the hospital and we’re going to have a baby.


[User]
Phyllis: "This is ridiculous.  We just can’t wait here."
Michael: "I think it’s going to be any minute now."
Phyllis: "But you don’t know that.  I mean, we could be here another half an hour."

[Assistant] Michael: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?


[User]
Phyllis: "But you don’t know that.  I mean, we could be here another half an hour."
Michael: "Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?"
Phyllis: "I have an ice cream cake in the car."

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, my God.  Go, go, go!  Are you insane?  Alright.


[User]
Erin: "I’m so sorry if I gave you the impression I’m into Kevin, but I’m not.  I like Andy."
Michael: "Okay.  This is going to kill Kevin."
Erin: "I’m sure he’ll be fine."

[Assistant] Michael: I’m not so sure.  Kevin has an enormous heart.  Literally, he has an elephant heart.  He had a transplant when he was seventeen.  Had some problems, blah blah blah.


[User]
Kevin: "Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael."
Michael: "Lynn was as hot as Erin."
Kevin: "Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you."

[Assistant] Michael: This isn’t about me, and that is debatable.  And I have a personality, where as you…  Yes, Andy?


[User]
Jo: "Oh good morning sweetheart."
Michael: "Morning, honey-pile."
Jo: "I’m sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?"

[Assistant] Michael: It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by.


[User]
Jo: "I’m sorry but is that a gift I see in your hands?"
Michael: "It is. This is a little something for you to remember your time here in Scranton by."
Jo: "[pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal?"

[Assistant] Michael: Yes it is!


[User]
Jo: "[pulls out glass cube with coal.] Is that a lump of coal?"
Michael: "Yes it is!"
Jo: "Have I been that naughty?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.


[User]
Jo: "Have I been that naughty?"
Michael: "No, no no- that is a good gift actually. Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal."
Jo: "Err, thank you very much. We, we don’t get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I’m used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you’ve ever tasted."

[Assistant] Michael: Mm, that sounds great, actually.


[User]
Jo: "Err, thank you very much. We, we don’t get to see much coal in Tallahassee, I’m used to alligators, and some of the worst Chinese food you’ve ever tasted."
Michael: "Mm, that sounds great, actually."
Jo: "Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, you got a place to stay."

[Assistant] Michael: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters. And I don’t care if you’re a loser, or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in!


[User]
Jo: "Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody’s mind? I’m leaving tonight, this is your last chance for a while!"
Michael: "Oh no! Say it’s not so, Jo, we’re gonna miss you, we’re gonna miss you so much!"
Jo: "Yes, well okay. Florida ain’t that far away."

[Assistant] Michael: Well, I am heading down there.


[User]
Jo: "Yes, well okay. Florida ain’t that far away."
Michael: "Well, I am heading down there."
Jo: "Well, anytime now."

[Assistant] Michael: How about July 4th weekend? [Reveals paper ticket]


[User]
Jo: "Oh honey you didn’t buy a ticket?"
Michael: "I did!"
Jo: "Oh honey. I’m not home, very often. And uh, me and my relatives, they take up the guesthouse. I think you should check with my office, before you book any dates, okay?"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats on a bunch of different flights, but there are a couple of flights that only have two tickets left, so I think we should pull the trigger and –


[User]
Jo: "No, that’s very generous of you, but I’m all set."
Michael: "No is not an option."
Jo: "Yes it is."

[Assistant] Michael: All right. Well if you need me, I’ll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.


[User]
Jo: "Yes it is."
Michael: "All right. Well if you need me, I’ll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no."
Jo: "How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?"

[Assistant] Michael: [laughs] I’ll be over there.


[User]
Daryl: "Not bad, huh?"
Michael: "A real Hoop Dreams story you got there. Oh man, you seem to have caught Jo’s eye. How’d you make that happen?"
Daryl: "I impressed her with my good ideas."

[Assistant] Michael: Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?


[User]
Daryl: "I impressed her with my good ideas."
Michael: "Hm mm. Seriously, how did you do it?"
Daryl: "I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there."

[Assistant] Michael: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?


[User]
Daryl: "I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there."
Michael: "How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something, in terms of a past injustice?"
Daryl: "Now Mike, I have to ask you to leave, so that I can learn about this tiny television."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. All right.


[User]
Jo: "Hey there."
Michael: "Hey there. So I think I’m done. Gonna head out. Unless you want to chat. Like we were doing earlier."
Jo: "Well there’s chatting time and there’s working time. I’m still on working time."

[Assistant] Michael: Mm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so.


[User]
Jo: "Well, if you feel like you’ve done a solid days work…"
Michael: "Right. What?"
Jo: "Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you’ve done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home."

[Assistant] Michael: Mm. mm. Oh well.


[User]
Jo: "Well I mean, if you can put your name on this day, and be proud of the amount of work you’ve done, then, by all means, you should toodle on home."
Michael: "Mm. mm. Oh well."
Jo: "Anything else I can help you with?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, no, no. That’s super-clear-ish. [Exits, closes door, takes off coat.] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Hey what’s up, Butt-plug?"
Michael: "How you doing stud? You already there?"
Todd Packer: "Dude, I’ve been here since three! I’ve boot and rallied twice."

[Assistant] Michael: How’s the lady situation?


[User]
Todd Packer: "Dude, I’ve been here since three! I’ve boot and rallied twice."
Michael: "How’s the lady situation?"
Todd Packer: "Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance."

[Assistant] Michael: Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late.


[User]
Todd Packer: "Fat and ugly. You might actually have a chance."
Michael: "Ah damn. That sounds great. Unfortunately I am stuck here, because my boss is making us work late."
Todd Packer: "Oh here’s what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, borrow some balls and come meet me!"

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Maybe next year.


[User]
Gabe: "You never know with Jo. Sometimes we’re here til midnight. Sometimes she doesn’t show up for three days."
Michael: "Why does she do that? Why doesn’t she just tell you what your schedule is?"
Gabe: "Yeah, that would be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. Wouldn’t have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But uh, I’m young, right?  I will date when I’m dead! [Laughs]"

[Assistant] Michael: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six. Single. Tied to my desk. No life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would’ve turned thirty. That’s just – that’s just depressing.


[User]
Jim: "Is he you?"
Michael: "[laughs] I am flattered. That’s Johnny Depp."
Jim: "Where did you take that?"

[Assistant] Michael: In my condo complex.


[User]
Jim: "Where did you take that?"
Michael: "In my condo complex."
Jim: "Oh my God, that’s right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton."

[Assistant] Michael: I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie.


[User]
Jim: "Oh my God, that’s right. I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton."
Michael: "I am flipping out, man. I mean, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie."
Jim: "Sure. That they should do one."

[Assistant] Michael: [feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim – where, where do I find the Black Pearl?


[User]
Jim: "Sure. That they should do one."
Michael: "[feigning accent] Hey, Jim, Jim – where, where do I find the Black Pearl?"
Jim: "Who’s that?"

[Assistant] Michael: Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.


[User]
Jim: "Who’s that?"
Michael: "Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim."
Jim: "John Dillinger."

[Assistant] Michael: No. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.


[User]
Jim: "John Dillinger."
Michael: "No. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow."
Jim: "Captain Crunch."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it’s not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you’d seen Roger Clemens?


[User]
Jim: "Captain Crunch."
Michael: "Okay, okay. Screw you, Halpert. You know, it’s not easy getting excited about stuff. Remember how you felt when you thought you’d seen Roger Clemens?"
Jim: "At the Yankees game. Yeah."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Well, it wasn’t him.


[User]
Jim: "At the Yankees game. Yeah."
Michael: "Yeah. Well, it wasn’t him."
Jim: "I had a little better reason to believe that… You’re right. You’re right. Well, you’re not right, because Johnny Depp…"

[Assistant] Michael: I know, I know.


[User]
Jim: "I had a little better reason to believe that… You’re right. You’re right. Well, you’re not right, because Johnny Depp…"
Michael: "I know, I know."
Jim: "…in your condo complex."

[Assistant] Michael: I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman.


[User]
Jim: "…in your condo complex."
Michael: "I know! It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M Shulman."
Jim: "M. Night Shulman?"

[Assistant] Michael: [speaking at a staff meeting] First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost, so please, try not to lose anything until we find it. Ah, pet day. If you don’t have a pet, please don’t feel like –


[User]
Dwight: "Sorry, Michael, I got calls to make."
Michael: "I would like your undivided attention, please."
Dwight: "You couldn’t handle my undivided attention."

[Assistant] Michael: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it’s kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was:


[User]
Dwight: "When I was asking about the leads."
Michael: "M-hmm."
Dwight: "… is there any news on the leads?"

[Assistant] Michael: Is that all you have to say to me?


[User]
Jim: "Oh, sorry, wait one second."
Michael: "Stop sexting Pam. I’m trying to congratulate you."
Jim: "This is actually a big potential sale, so…"

[Assistant] Michael: You writing your memoirs over there?


[User]
Jim: "This is actually a big potential sale, so…"
Michael: "You writing your memoirs over there?"
Jim: "You writing your name over there?"

[Assistant] Michael: Well, it’s a pretty big check.


[User]
Jim: "You writing your name over there?"
Michael: "Well, it’s a pretty big check."
Jim: "That’s good. You know, with the kid."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. Don’t gloat. Here’s the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people.


[User]
Jim: "That’s good. You know, with the kid."
Michael: "Okay. Don’t gloat. Here’s the thing. This kind of money can corrupt people."
Jim: "Alright, here we go. [taps page] Michael…"

[Assistant] Michael: I’m just saying, that –


[User]
Darryl: "I know who did that."
Michael: "You saw who did this and you didn’t stop them?"
Darryl: "Didn’t have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control."

[Assistant] Michael: The sales department smashed my sandwich.


[User]
Darryl: "Didn’t have to see. It was sales. I can feel it. They are out of control."
Michael: "The sales department smashed my sandwich."
Darryl: "Yes. All of ’em. Together. It’s a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them."

[Assistant] Michael: You don’t get it.


[User]
Darryl: "Yes. All of ’em. Together. It’s a conspiracy. Listen to me, Mike, you gotta do something about them."
Michael: "You don’t get it."
Darryl: "You need to get back on top."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s what she said.


[User]
Gabe: "[on phone] Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out."
Michael: "Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just – imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice-cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice-cream cone."
Gabe: "Michael, I don’t want to incentivise murder. But – we’ve tried to make it clear that our policy emphasises sales staff –"

[Assistant] Michael: They act like I have no power.


[User]
Jim: "So I’m going to go ahead and save you some time, and tell you that no-one’s going to go along with this. But you knew that, right?"
Michael: "Mm-hmm."
Jim: "Alright. So why don’t you just give me my share of the leads, and I’ll start making some calls?"

[Assistant] Michael: Okay. [passes Jim some index cards]


[User]
Jim: "Ahh, these aren’t leads. What are they?"
Michael: "Oh, right, those are clues. And within each clue is a lesson. You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead. The leads are scattered all over the industrial park. I am trying to make your kids respect you. Because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don’t respect the father who doesn’t respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?"
Jim: "I don’t think you understand –"

[Assistant] Michael: I do understand it.


[User]
Jim: "I don’t think you understand –"
Michael: "I do understand it."
Jim: "[holds up card] This one’s a map."

[Assistant] Michael: Or is it?


[User]
Darryl: "That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump. Wish I could go."
Michael: "You can."
Darryl: "I can’t. You know that."

[Assistant] Michael: Okay fine, I get it. I’ll just go by myself.


[User]
Dwight: "[looks around dump] This place has gone to hell."
Michael: "You know, Dwight, there was a time when you’d be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me."
Dwight: "Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak."

[Assistant] Michael: Yeah. Sometimes the acorn just stays the acorn. If you don’t believe me, look in my gutters.


[User]
Dwight: "Oh, why, because I have a shot at a $100k commission?"
Michael: "Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent."
Dwight: "Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes."

[Assistant] Michael: No, I’m talking about your personality, Dwight.


[User]
Dwight: "Hey. There is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes."
Michael: "No, I’m talking about your personality, Dwight."
Dwight: "When I first met you, I had a lot of job offers. And I had an offer from Ivan Schartsky. The Ivan Schartsky. And if I’d assistant managed him –"

[Assistant] Michael: Assistant to the managed him –


[User]
Dwight: "Okay? Because they promote from within. Instead I had to follow you – you, going nowhere."
Michael: "You think you would have done better without me? Really?"
Dwight: "I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs."

[Assistant] Michael: Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend – I shouldn’t have been hanging out watching karate movies with you –


[User]
Dwight: "I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs."
Michael: "Wow. Ohhhkay. Man. When I think about all the time I wasted being your friend – I shouldn’t have been hanging out watching karate movies with you –"
Dwight: "Kung-fu movies!"

[Assistant] Michael: You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies –


[User]
Dwight: "Kung-fu movies!"
Michael: "You know what, I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars, finding my soul-mate, finding my wife, making babies –"
Dwight: "Nice babies you’re making with the floozies at the bars."

[Assistant] Michael: That’s my wife you’re talking about, man.


[User]
Dwight: "Nice babies you’re making with the floozies at the bars."
Michael: "That’s my wife you’re talking about, man."
Dwight: "Your made-up wife? Who doesn’t exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!"

[Assistant] Michael: If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.


[User]
Dwight: "Your made-up wife? Who doesn’t exist? [Michael picks up a piece of metal and hurls it at Dwight, who sidesteps] You watch it!"
Michael: "If I wanted to hit you, I would have hit you."
Dwight: "Don’t do it [lobs something at Michael]"

[Assistant] Michael: No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!


[User]
Dwight: "Don’t do it [lobs something at Michael]"
Michael: "No no. You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, Dwight. [they throw volleys of rubbish at each other] No, time out, time out. [Michael inspects a box, then hurls it at Dwight] Time in!"
Dwight: "No! [lunges for a large wooden spool]"

[Assistant] Michael: Don’t even think about that [Dwight begins rolling it towards Michael, as he reaches him Dwight kicks it and falls backward. The spool comes to a halt in front of Michael, and Michael pushes it towards Dwight.]


[User]
Dwight: "Hey [holds up an old sweater] You know who’d like this? Phyllis. Purple, much?"
Michael: "Yeah, she does – she loves purple. [Dwight sniffs it] Does it stink?"
Dwight: "Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]"

[Assistant] Michael: Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That’s it. And the caption would read:


[User]
Dwight: "Yeah [puts it back in the bath tub]"
Michael: "Know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. That’s it. And the caption would read:"
Dwight: "Hope – grows."

[Assistant] Michael: In the dump.


[User]
Dwight: "Not counting the last one, 25."
Michael: "Count the last one."
Dwight: "Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!"

[Assistant] Michael: Oh, new record!


[User]
Andy: "A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?"
Michael: "Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time."
Andy: "I’m sorry, I meant later."

[Assistant] Michael: Ok, yes. Sure.


[User]
Andy: "I’m sorry, I meant later."
Michael: "Ok, yes. Sure."
Andy: "For happy hour?"

[Assistant] Michael: No, I got that.


[User]
Andy: "For happy hour?"
Michael: "No, I got that."
Andy: "Trying to get a head count."

[Assistant] Michael: I am in.


[User]
Andy: "Trying to get a head count."
Michael: "I am in."
Andy: "All right, yes! It’s a deal."

[Assistant] Michael: It’s a deal.